Chapter 36

SEBASTIAN

I stumbled down the stairs and into the dining room where my family gazed at me with amused eyes.

"Goodmorning son," my mother chirped, taking a sip of her tea.

"Morning," I replied, pecking her cheek and taking a seat beside Jackson.

"You look like you've been through hell, what're you up to buddy?" Jackson asked, munching on his toast.

I simply groaned and leaned my head on my hand. One of the staff came and asked me what I wanted for breakfast, it didn't take long before she returned with a plate of toast and scrambled eggs.

"Scrambled eggs? That's different, you normally ask for eggs sunny side up, what's going on son?" My father reaches over to my mother's plate and steals a slice of toast, getting lightly slapped in return.

"Nothing," I mumbled as I shovelled my breakfast down my throat as quickly as I could before returning to my room to get changed.

I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I let my eyes wander, trying to ignore the feeling in my chest. I let out a sigh as I glanced at my phone, only to make that feeling worse.

I forgot that was my background, I just couldn't let that picture go, could I?

I could feel myself smile as I recalled that day. There I was, sitting beside Audrey, holding her in my arms as we looked at each other. I remembered how much I smiled that day, how happy I was that day.

But that's all gone now, isn't it? You don't have her anymore. You can't even talk to her anymore. What do you have?

I sat up abruptly, rubbing my eyes just so the tears wouldn't fall. I let out a groan, hoping to choke back the sob. I can't do this. I have to respect her wishes.

You try to do the right thing and yet you are miserable, why even do that to yourself? Why let yourself be happy in the first place if you know how horrible it feels to have it taken away from you? Why did you let her in? Why did you love her?

"Knock knock, may I come in?" A soothing voice calls out behind my door, breaking my train of thoughts.

"Yeah, what's up?" I try to look normal as she comes in, closing the door behind her.

She takes a seat next to me on the edge of the bed. "You are my youngest son, and you are in pain. I can see that very clearly, please, tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing wrong, I'm fine really." I make eye contact with her only to be hit by what felt like an emotional hammer.

Her eyes were pleading as she took my hands in her own. "Sebastian, it's okay to let people in. Please, I can't help you if you don't let me in."

"And us too." My father added, joining us on the bed as Jackson takes a seat on the floor.

"What's wrong little brother, you look more devastated than when Nana died."

I tried to speak but nothing would come out, I couldn't. My heart wouldn't let me, it writhed in pain as it clenched in my chest. It's pounding began filling my ears.

"Is it Audrey?" My father quietly asked.

I still couldn't say anything so I just nodded. My head felt like it was running a mile a minute.

"Did she finish her case?" It was my brother this time.

Once again, I nodded. As I remembered everything that happened, the letter, the trip, not seeing her in ages, what we used to have, I never realised it was so hard to breathe.

"And you only realised..." My mother didn't even have to say anything else as I nodded, choking back another sob.

"It's okay son," my father put his arm around my mother as she held me, "It's okay to let it out. We won't judge you, we would never judge you, not in this family. We love you and we are here for you."

It's good that he said that because I couldn't hold it back any longer. At first, there were only trickles, then it soon became streams. I tried to be as quiet as I could but my mother just told me it was okay and that I could be as loud as I want to. And my heart listened.

"We know honey, we know." She stroked my hair as she held me.

"We knew it when you came home before the ball for Rachel's debut. We saw how happy you were and we knew. I wish I could say this was a crush and that you'd get over it quickly but it's not. You are so in love with her, you are in love with everything about her and I can't blame you. Even back then, your heart knew." His voice was soft and soothing, he stood up and handed me his phone.

On the screen was a picture of my cousin's graduation two years ago, we smiled with our arms wrapped around each other as he stood there victorious. It was the person in the background that caught my eye, there she stood in a pristine white dress, her long auburn hair flowing in curls down her back, the smile on her face a mirror to the one on my own screen.

It was Audrey.

"Go to the next picture."

And so I did. I could remember this like it was yesterday when a mortarboard landed in front of me. I picked it up confused when I heard a soft voice behind me.

"Hi, sorry, that's mine." I turned around to see what must be the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

I was so taken aback at the time, I tried to talk to her normally but inside I was freaking out. Next thing I knew she was gone. This picture was of us at that moment when I was handing her the mortarboard, even then you could see it.

How could I have forgotten? How could I have forgotten her?

But deep down I knew I never did. When I looked around the cafeteria seemingly for no reason, when I was anxious to go outside into a sea of students or when I was excited on my first day of university and it felt like I was waiting for someone.

I was looking for her.

I was always looking for her.