Beautifully Broken

"Carly.."

"Carly.."

"Carly.."

"CARLY!" I heard a man's voice.

"CARLY!!" he repeated. Why am I hearing a different voice?

I was brought back to reality when I felt something touched my shoulder. "Carly?" his voice is now soft unlike the one I was hearing earlier.

I looked at the man who took my attention and without noticing the tears started streaming down my face. I wiped those tears immediately using my forearm upon seeing the sympathizing look from Dax's face. Dax is my Muay Thai instructor and I was a regular in this gym for two months now ever since I started this as a workout.

"Carly... you are staring at the punching bag..." his shoulders slumped. "Why don't you take a rest first?" I can sense the worry in his tone.

I forced a smile. "I'm okay Dax" I shrugged my shoulders which made him remove his hand from it. I started punching the bag giving out all my strength. I punched it repeatedly and did some kicks just like when I forcing myself into the surgery room while I was stopped by several people from entering.

I stopped from what I was doing and looked up. I placed both of my gloved hands on the sides of my waist. I was gasping for air after giving my all on the punching bag. As I looked down, sweat and tears were one by one falling down from my face. I wanted to cry and let it all out but I know I can't, not right now. It feels as if my heart wants to explode but I have to keep it all inside.

I headed for the chair on the side, removed my boxing gloves and raised my both feet on the chair. I placed both of forearms on above my knees and my forehead above it. Tears were streaming down my face and no matter how hard I keep telling myself to stop, it won't stop.

I felt a towel on my head and a sudden embrace from someone I know. This time I finally let it go and allowed myself to cry. I wanted to cry like there's no tomorrow. I wanted to cry until I have no more tears left. But I know these tears were endless.

"It's okay Carly, let it all out. We're here for you..." Letty said while tapping my shoulders . Dax and Letty were husband and wife and they also owned this gym.

I wanted to shout but no voice is coming out from throat. I wanted to get lost and put an end to this misery. What bothers me the most is on how I can start my life again.

I took the towel from head and wiped my face from crying. My eyes were swollen again and again from crying everyday. Dax handed me the water and I finished it slowly.

I heard Letty's whisper to his husband where she said, "Dy, let's bring Carly to her home. I don't want her to wander at this time of the night." I can sense the worry in her voice. How long has it been since I started to become like this? Weeks? Months? I lost track of time. It's like my world has stopped from turning. I wanted to move, I wanted to continue where I left off but I'm stuck somewhere. I can't move. I can't find myself to move on.

"Okay My, we'll bring her home. Let's arrange everything and close the gym" Dax answered.

This has been my daily routine. I go to this at seven in the evening and finish my workout routine before nine but today I arrived at nine o'clock and waited for the members to finish their workout and stared into nothing the whole time. I feel like a lost soul right now where I just felt my feet bringing me into this place.

One by one I arranged my things and by the time I was finished I was called by the couple that it's time to go. Letty led me on to their car. I sat there quietly by the window while looking at each lamp post that passes us by.

"Carly, we're here" she said. We are already in front of our two storey house.

"Thank you Dax and Letty" I smiled a little and then went out of their car. I wanted to wait for them before going in but they waited until I went in before leaving.

I looked at our house. I know Mom and Dad weren't around and only my brother is present. I know he's already asleep and it's a good thing so that he won't ask anything or would check on how I am. I don't have to lie tonight how good I am. I don't have to force myself to look happy. They won't see me cry and tell me every time that I'm crying for nothing.

I know that even though I'll have one liter of tears he's not coming back to me...

He won't wipe these tears anymore...

3-30-2018