Chapter 35: A Moment of Weakness.

I was on the bridge. My legs crossed, head laying on my hand as I stared out at the sight before me. Our comm officer was rattling off codes and designations as we closed on our destination. A massive space station carved out of an asteroid. There was a constant flurry of smaller ships flowing around, the whole asteroid like an active hive as ships and freight moved.

We weren't even the largest of the ships patrolling the asteroid. A massive ship, a capital class ship led a massive fleet. I could almost feel their weapons and systems lock on us as we got close to the asteroid. The asteroid itself was covered in defenses and smaller hangars. It was by far the most protected of the stations I've seen yet.

With a slight turn our ship's course was adjusted as we were guided to our docking section. A jutting mass from the asteroid almost like a tumor was our destination. I could overhear the crew discussing with the various ship captains of our newly gained fleet on a rotation for docking rights. A parking space for ships to simply float about was just off the asteroid, ships held together through a simple tether system.

In a way it felt poorly put together, slapdash at best. Yet, it carried an inherent intent the other stations I had visited lacked. There was a clear concise understanding of where ships could and should go. The authorities worked with our crews to help settle us in and figure out the mundane work, such as docking fees and price of fuel.

It was with bated breath that we watched and waited. The final click rumbling through the ship as we successfully docked. Everyone exhaled a breath, grins present on all their faces as they began to excitedly talk.

"So, cap you coming aboard this time?" The helmsman asked. Perhaps before I would have turned him down, unwilling to mingle with… Lesser folk, I suppose. But combined with my innate curiosity on what amenities the station may hold, and the suggestions of the Doc for me to seek out new experiences and broaden my horizons…

"Sure thing." I could see him stiffen up a little at that. "That's great!" He tried to sound cheerful as he gave me a quick rundown of the rules. He kept this up as we made our way to the hatch and walked through the tunnel leading to the station proper. Only stopping when we entered the terminal area, much like a modern airport.

"Just please don't blow anything up, yes?"

"Don't worry helmsman I already have a chaperone. Right Doc?"

He seemed slightly less concerned as we slowly separated. He still shot glances to me in worry as he walked away, Navigator at his side, practically dragging him away. I tapped my ear to double check that the new version of scouter that the armorer had made was still working.

"Sorry, was a bit busy with the armorer on finalizing your equipment order."

Apparently, she and armorer hit it off due to them both excelling in material sciences or something. Since then, they both have been working in a frenzy to open the order for my new expanding suit. It'd be nice not to have to worry about my clothes disintegrating if I decide to go monkey.

Either way, I was happy to get my boots back. My feet were inordinately happy to once more be placed in those comfortable confines. I could almost hear those little piggies of mine squeal in joy. My attire was rather simple really. Shirt, jacket, cropped to show off my delicious abs and fitted to show my musculature along with a pair of pants for the sake of decency.

I took the moment to stretch, noting all the eyes watching me, measuring me up. I looked to the directory, the list expansive, yet also not. For a station it was large. A food court, a market, a park, apparently. A bar district followed by various hangars for ships. My eyes roved the board twice and thrice trying to decide on my destination…

Food would be nice… Maybe a few drinks…

"What do you think Doc?"

"I don't much care. I'd honestly be much happier back on the ship."

"Well, too bad. The safest place for you is by my side."

"I can't exactly argue that…"

"Right? So, food or ale?"

"Haa…" She sighs.

"You have a dedicated chef, don't you?"

"So, drinks?" She didn't reply, but I figured that was right. I made my way to the bars, following the various signage leading me on. While walking I noticed monitors hanging above. Each one had various planets and sectors news channels on display from RON and DEPP. I watched them as I walked idly curious only to stop at a particular monitor.

The headline read, Conclusion of the investigation into the Pirate raid.

The pictures looked familiar. Something about it made me stop.

"Next up is the head investigator for S8920815125 on the state of the investigation on the tragedy that occurred just a little over a year ago."

The image changed to a tired looking individual. They looked absolutely exhausted, and yet… oddly relieved. Probably from finally having the investigation closed if it really did take this long.

"Thank you. From what our sources have determined, the Pirates in question, a crew known as The Black Suns, have lost two of their three frigates due to the heroic efforts of the local planetary defenses. We also believe the local defense forces managed to rebuff the pirate landing parties."

"And the significant damage to the planet?"

"Likely caused by the orbital laser provided by the former senator malfunctioning due to improper maintenance."

"And what of the gulch? The massive loss of life?"

"As we said it was caused by the malfunctioning of the orbital laser."

Pictures flicked by. Showing the devastated surface of the planet. A massive scar cutting along the planet, shearing through the thin crust and revealing a plated underlayer. Likely the base of the ventilation system. The caverns outer shell…

"And what about stories of a giant monster? A scream that echoed and rattled within the few survivors' skulls?"

"Nonsense, obviously."

"Of course, but what of the senator? Will he face his crimes in court?"

"He will. The senator has shown an incredible lack of understanding and care for the people under him. Even hiring pirates with a weapon capable of crippling, if not destroying the fragile planet for the sake of political gain."

"Are we certain it was really for political reasons?"

"Yes. The orbital laser was setup and aligned to fire down on the headquarters of his political rival, Fera the new senator of that sector."

A new picture showing the familiar woman.

"We believe he was unaware that destroying one of the planetary pillars would have destabilized the already failing planet and caused it to implode. As such he is being tried for planetary genocide. A minimum sentence of being executed with the possible inclusion of having his brain fired."

He then went on for the specifics of his crimes, blah blah blah… Not much importance to me, though… knowing I was essentially squeaky clean after depopulating an entire planet's surface made me feel, strange. It was fairly obvious somebody was covering for me, I mean, the idea that not even a single photo or video of the incident was captured seems, out there.

Fera also seemed to be doing well as she was brought onto the program. She went into great detail about her plans and stuff…

"And what about the rumors?"

"Rumors?"

"Rumors that you're gathering up veterans of the previous wars to carve out your own little kingdom?"

She huffed at that.

"I am merely doing my work to expand this sector's habitability. While also improving RON overall as one of the greatest galactic civilizations in the universe. I suspect the reason Veterans are flocking to my territory is because unlike many of my fellow senators I do not lean into political propaganda that demonizes our brave men and women that have given their lives for us to continue living our own lives in peace and not under the imperial tyranny of CHET or the totalitarian regime of DEPP."

"Ah, of course… of course."

"Now was there anything else?"

"Mm… We heard you were the owner of a fighting ring, is that true?"

"Indeed, it's how I earned my money."

"What's your thoughts on one of your title fighters, The Bruiser visiting other sectors to gain qualification to enter the galactic tournament?"

"I think he should do his best, and I support him wholly."

"And what of your missing champion Rettas, The Super Saiyan? Any idea if she will join the tournament?"

Oh, a tourney?

"That, if I know her. She wouldn't avoid a chance to fight the strongest fighters in the galaxy."

"Make a note of that doc, we'll see if we can't get an invite."

"Duly noted, though, I'm sure your instructor knows more about that. It may be wise to ask him about the tournament in question."

"Mm… it might be…" I trailed off, the news cutting to commercial as I stared and thought. The tournament sounded both annoying, and interesting. Either way, that was for the future now. I turned and began making my way down the hallways, Doc deciding to cut in.

"So, how did that make you feel?"

"Really? Now?" I ask while looking around, catching the curious gazes.

"Naturally, unless you'd rather do this someplace quieter." There was a barb there, just a little bit of a bite.

"I don't get embarrassed." I reply back ignoring the gazes. "After all, I will be a Super Saiyan." I would do it. Grasp that power in my hands.

"A fine sentiment, so how does it make you feel? Knowing that you aren't being hunted for what happened? About what you just learned?"

I almost gave a perfunctory answer but held it back. I took a nice breath in and out to cool myself off. My anger was a tool, my emotions a strength, not a liability.

"I feel, odd."

"Odd?"

"It's like… I expected more? No… did I want more? No…"

"You sound unsure."

"I am… Killing so many people didn't really bother me. Nor did the knowledge I was the cause of so much mayhem. But it's like… I expected some blowback. Something, ya know? It feels… not good, not bad? But… mostly, I think… Should I be allowed to get away scot-free?

"Perhaps I may be able to help?" I highly doubted that, but I let her continue.

"You are conflicted because you feel that killing so many people should bother you. You're conflicted because you wish for someone to blame you or admonish you for your actions. But, seeing as nobody has, you're unsure if you should be blaming yourself or not. Or if you should simply accept that nobody appears to care, is that right?"

I stopped at her words… Her words resonated with me, even if it wasn't entirely true, no, it was somewhat true. I didn't want to go monkey. It just, sort of happened, but that was an excuse, it had happened, I deserved punishment or to feel guilt, something. But still, to not be blamed? To have it brushed under the rug like this? It also made me feel… empty. Like, having expected something, only for nothing to come. An emptiness that made me crave for something anything, even as I felt the weight above me grow. Threatening me like clouds portending rain. Still, I considered her words. Considered how I felt.

In the end, I couldn't do anything about it. And I felt the weight on my shoulders decrease, ever so slightly, but it did little to the guillotine hanging above my head. That ever-present notion that there would be some kind of backlash or judgement for my actions.

That lack of control was a feeling I had felt in my last life, and something Rettas had felt her whole life. It wasn't an aimlessness, no, I t was akin to a boat in the storm. Unable to escape, at the mercy of the winds and the waves. A traveler in the desert during a sandstorm, a person on the beach watching as a tsunami hits. A prisoner awaiting execution.

A feeling of a lack of control. Like life is a river, dragging us along with no oars or boat to keep us above water. Struggling just to breathe as the rapids drag us under and beat us against the rocks. Rettas had power, power I could use to grasp and push myself against the current of life, but still, it wasn't enough to help me out of the river entirely, to fly above it into the sky free and clear. In that fight, when I had fought Doc's creation. For a fleeting moment I thought I had found my answer. No, it was understanding, per se, but more of… a connection. A connection between me and something else. That link though, that connection I sought had an insurmountable divide that prevented me from ever fully understanding the monkey, the beast inside me. It had, like the evil ki, whispered to me. Told me that in it, I could find the power I sought. The strength I needed.

But that divide prevented me from seeking the answer I sought. An insurmountable wall, a barrier I could never hope to breach. Or, so it seemed.

I could, perhaps, just browbeat them into submission. Force my way through the divide in essence and bring them to my side. Or perhaps completely subsume them. Make them nothing more than a puppet as I take control, forgoing the divide as I force us to meet in the middle. I didn't want that. I didn't want to just connect or get them on my side, I wanted to meet the beast on its side, A strange thought process, I know, but… it felt right. In the end, I wasn't any closer to the answers I sought. Not anytime soon.

Regardless, I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't more of what I needed for that connection I so sincerely desire. My desire was killing me even as I felt the rivers of life trying to push me down. But I couldn't let go. Even as I slowly drowned under the currents I wouldn't let go. The more I pushed the more my body and soul were battered. But still… Still! I couldn't stop! I wouldn't stop! Not until I reach what it is I desire, the answer I seek.

I needed power, I wanted control. I wanted friends, I wanted to live how I pleased! But… do those things necessarily care over? Is what I'm doing even matter? Are any of these things connected to what I truly desire? Can I even do it? Did I have what it takes, truly to do so?

"Rettas? Rettas?"

I blinked, Doc's voice coming in over the sound of rushing water, her voice for an instant overlapping with one so familiar, a soft smile… No… I wiped my face with my arm, ignoring the dampness.

"What?"

"You blanked out for a good few minutes."

"Just thinking about what you said."

"And?"

I bit my lip, afraid.

"I'm afraid." I admitted. Carving open the wound. "Afraid that I can't hold on. That, I may never actually get my answer." I kept it vague, but I think she understood.

She stayed silent as I took a shaky breath.

"I understand. There is little I can do to truly dispel those feelings. I can't simply say these things happen, after all, a planetary massacre isn't exactly a common event. Nor will I lie to you and say there isn't any possible retribution for your actions. At best, I can only offer a bit of advice. C'est la Vie, such is life. We cannot change the course of the world with our own power, nor can we see the future. And for the time being, regardless of what you feel Rettas, you do not yet have the power to shrug off whatever may come with impunity.

As such, all I can say is get stronger. Pursue your goals and consider not what lies behind you. Forward is the path you must walk."

It felt awful. No, I felt stupid. She was right. My fears were not entirely groundless, but they wouldn't matter. Not if I can become a Super Saiyan, not if I can attain enough power to prevent retribution. The answer was simple, but… How can I truly walk that path ever onward when I didn't even know my own true goals. What was it I wanted? What was it I wanted when I made that deal with the Director? And if I couldn't even figure out what it is I wanted, how could I expect to be the best? How could I expect to stand at the top if I couldn't master myself?

"Am I… Weak?" I asked despite myself. A thread of weakness fills my voice, almost inaudible. Yet, it was like a knife to my heart just voicing those words. My whole psyche shook. I could feel, hear the voices just behind me, the eyes boring into me. I would break, shatter… Only that lie I spouted over and over keeping me up. I was strong. I was invincible. I was Rettas, born for greatness. Created to be the very best. But… What if I wasn't? What if, beneath that gold veneer, was nothing more then rotted wood. The remnants of the pathetic woman I was before. That broken doll I had left forgotten in the recesses of my mind as I took up my new life with such vim and vigor.

I didn't know what the doc would say. What words she would say, but… I didn't have to wait long.

"You're not wrong."

I felt something crack, my breath hitching.

"True strength isn't just measured in physical might. But also in strength of will, will I have found to be more than sufficient for your cause. You are a young woman, far from her home planet, in a an unfamiliar galaxy and possibly universe. You're species isn't registered in any books or research journals. You are effectively the only one of your kind. To have even gotten this far as you are, a lesser woman would have cracked. Broken. You, you however continue to excel and push yourself. "

I gripped my hands, my eyes shut. My teeth grit.

"But, it's a good thing you're not even a Super Saiyan, isn't it?" My eyes flew open, my vision blurred. "What?" I croaked out.

"I mean, you're still young, aren't you? Barely an adult and yet still so strong, but you're nowhere near the top. Not yet. But that's why I am here. That is why your instructor is here. Why so many are willing to fall under your captaincy. You have potential, a future brighter than any of us could imagine. Which is why we are talking like this, why we discuss this. Even a millennia old monster still has feelings and emotions and even they may not fully understand themselves. And what of you? A young Saiyan?

How many years do you have before you? Decades? Centuries? You have time to build your foundation, and it's better now than later. And despite being the only member of your species here, that doesn't mean you don't have allies willing to help you along. So, whenever you hit a wall, whenever you find yourself stuck, don't be afraid to rely on those around you. At least until you find your footing and truly step out into the world.

How does that sound?"

I let her words sink in.

"Fuck you…" I said with a sniffle, wiping my eyes and the snot from my nose. She laughed as I cursed her out again. She'd essentially said I was weak and that was a good thing, but… I couldn't disagree. She was right. A caterpillar takes time to become a butterfly. And I was going to be a very big butterly. No matter what.

"Now I need a fucking tissue." I swear and curse as my nose is stuffed. Distracting her from my very clear ugly crying.

"Well, lucky for you, it seems we have trouble to distract you." I looked up as I finished wiping down, snot and tears soaking my jacket sleeve, a pair of thugs were blocking my way. I could sense their ill will from here. The wide grins on their faces as they look at me. They were tall, clearly had some bionics or something threaded through their body like artificial muscles.

I wasn't strong, not yet, but that doesn't make me a weakling. These two had misunderstood my tears as weakness, blood in the water for them to prey on. Doc was right, I wasn't perfect, not yet. Perfection needed to be built step by step. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I was going to be greater than even Rome. What of these two chumps? Barely even a footnote.

"The hell do you two morons want?" I bite as they continue blocking my way, my voice stern despite my likely red and puffy eyes. They share a look, "We saw you having your little breakdown. Thought you might like some, company." They even had the perfect stereotype for a mook laugh.

"Truthfully, I could use some company." I cracked my knuckles. "Specifically, a punching bag." They grinned wider at my first part before blanking on the second part. "Oi, do you know who we are you fu-"I didn't let him finish,

I kicked him and his body went flying. Before anyone could even blink, he slammed into the wall. I controlled my strength so as not to mist the piece of shit. Instead, he was embedded into the wall. He was still alive, barely.

"Aniki!" Really? I considered as the man turned to me, one of his arms turning into an energy cannon. With a casual ease I deflect the sudden onslaught of energy blasts shot out of it. I walk forward through the swarm, smacking them aside, ignoring the screaming cries as the deflected blasts impact stalls and the wall. He cries out, "DIE DIE DIE!" Like some idiot with each shot. Only stopping when I grab his gun arm and crush it. He stares, speechless, his pupils rapidly dilating. Likely a panic attack… Ignoring that I rip off his shirt and kick him away. He slams into the wall and goes unconscious. His ripped shirt now a convenient hanky for my stuffed nose.

I sigh and stretch, the sudden appearance of a punching bag chasing away my negative emotions. I felt suddenly so much better, ignoring the hypocrisy of my actions. I committed violence to suppress my own fear of retribution. Ironic. I looked back to the mess behind me and decide it's not my problem as I continued my walk, only to be stopped by a massive figure and a team of guards behind him.