16. Heaven.

We made our way home while the Salvatores were occupied with Mariella and the wolves.

"Fine by me," I said to the others. "I'll be out of it for 72 hours after I've had enough to drink. So don't mind me, carry on with whatever you want to do. I'm not trying to control you or anyone else, just myself."

Taylor asked, "What's your guess? Will this take long or be short?"

I looked at him. He was one incredibly attractive person who had been interested in me for years. So, it wouldn't be too difficult to add some sweetness to my life if I needed it.

"We've managed to get two out, but now Annaliese knows I mean business, so things will be tougher from this point on. We'll see on Valentine's Day just how much tougher," I explained.

He nodded, gazing at me adoringly. Then he said, "If you have any particular needs after you wake up, I'm more than willing to be your partner."

I smiled at him and replied, "I may be in the mood, but not that much. Most of my actions were meant to shake things up, but we'll see. Time will tell us what we can do or what I'll need. I can't be certain just yet."

He nodded again, still looking into my eyes with adoration. Soon, Mimosa approached him, kissed him, and took him with her. They were more than ready to have some fun with the boys. Mimosa had no problem using him and Tim as well. She was a creature of lust, while I was a creature of love. It's ironic when you think about it. I'm a killer. I have been for most of my supernatural life. Mariella has been more of a creature of love, of lust, than me. But it's just who I am, and I have to deal with it.

I walked into the blood room, my head pounding and feeling numb. Number one's emotions were seeping into my mind, but I let him come. I went from one shelf to another, collecting the most potent blood I could find. I also had a notebook where I wrote down my mixtures. I wanted to keep a record so I would know what combinations I had tried. In my current state, I might not remember exactly what I had put in there, so this needed to be done before I started drinking. I had also prepared suitable mixtures in the fridge for the other vampires, on their designated shelves. They would have to drink strong blood as well.

I knew, as the Hive Queen, just how far I could push them. I could sense them so clearly, that it made me wonder if Damon had ever sensed them this way. Being the Pack Leader was a whole different experience. I had no idea what it felt like to be connected to pack members. The pack was more of a loose concept, each individual with their own ideas and needs. But the hive, that was different. It was us, our cause, our life. It made me feel less like an individual and more like I belonged to something greater than myself.

Little did I know, my life was about to take a big turn in a few days. After preparing my mix and writing it down, I poured all the contents into a big jug, creating my blood mixture. This time, I made five liters of it, intending to drink as much as possible to make myself stronger. I sat down, poured the first glass, and quickly drank five glasses in succession. The slight buzz in my head made me hum Spice Girls' "Say You'll Be There" in no time. The blood was getting me buzzed.

Feeling relaxed, the buzz eased the headache. Or maybe I just didn't care about it as much. I wasn't thinking much about anything else except for my hive, my sense of belonging. It was something I had longed for - to be a part of something bigger than myself. And it felt wonderful.

It wasn't just about my power over the hive. It was about us, not just me. I wasn't alone anymore. I didn't have to do everything by myself. We were in this together. Of course, as the jug got emptier, my thoughts became more melancholic. I've never been one to become cheerful when drunk, whether it's alcohol or blood. I'm one of those who gets bitter, almost depressed, the more intoxicated I become.

Time passed, and the jug slowly emptied, my mind becoming more and more intoxicated with blood. Holding my glass, I found myself talking to myself as I saw the figure of number one almost standing before me, leaning against the wall in this mental space of mine.

"I need to be strong, you know, so that you can once again have a happy ending with Mariella. I shouldn't dwell on what I don't need. It's not my life. I'm not supposed to be selfish. I don't have Wulfe to remind me to think about myself, so I am free to save others. It's just what I have to do. There's no room for my personal feelings. I can never be a princess and ask someone to take the hit for me," I said, looking at Damon.

He dryly replied, "You are completely intoxicated by blood. Do you know that? It won't be long until you pass out. Why do you insist on taking the hit, baby? There are others who can do it for you. Maybe someday you'll realize that there is someone who allows you to be a princess and takes the hits for you. Whether it's me or Wulfe or Magnum, I have no idea. But my love, you won't see the future if you keep on drinking. It won't be long now."

Shaking my head, I said to the apparition, "No, I'm not that weak anymore. I am strong. I may be blood-drunk, but I'm not passing out yet. Nope, not this girl. It takes a lot more to knock me out cold. And I'm getting stronger, but also lonelier. I have no idea where or what I'll be after this, but I do know that I might be stronger than Wulfe. So it's up to me to control myself, even though it's a lonely idea. I've never been one to seek power. How ironic, really."

I suddenly realized that I was sitting in a dark room filled with blood, talking to myself. But then again, I had the hive. Did I already see Damon in the hive, or was this just something my mind conjured up?

I said, "Christmas was wonderful, although a sex vacation would have been the cherry on top. But alas, I have to work. You had to have vampire heat and then mess things up with Annaliese, so no sex vacation for me. Well, at least I have Anaconda. He's as amazing as always. At least I got to have some, even if it was rough sex. But then again, I also have Taylor and Tim, if I want to test drive them too. I don't really need you. I'm the freaking hive queen. I can choose. If I'm not a priority for others, there are still those who want me, those who prioritize me. I just have to remember to look."

Damon admitted, "Yeah, I realized I messed up. I just wanted to experience the vampire heat again, and it somehow clicked for me. I also enjoyed Christmas, but I always seem to ruin things with you. We were having a great time, and then I had to go and mess it up. And what do I get in return? No sex vacation, not even at the beginning."

I looked at him, pointing my finger drunkenly, and said, "You, you will have a sex vacation with Mariella. Probably for as long as it takes me to free as many of our pack from Annaliese. And then, after I've done all the hard work and sacrificed everything, you'll swoop in and kill her, making it look like you did the deed. It's the same as it was with Damien. I do all the work, and you get the credit. You probably want to destroy my hive, do something to prevent me from having a hive or being queen. You've never tolerated me being powerful. You'll probably keep me drugged until you've drained me completely."

My voice slurred as I continued drinking and talking to myself. Bitterness filled my voice as I recalled the past, how I got rid of Damien, how it was all my doing, and what I destroyed. I questioned my choices, wondering if I sabotaged my own love for myself.

I muttered to the empty air, "I destroyed myself. I did the hard work, I destroyed our love. But you had to go and kill him. And that year, I never told you much about it. I kept it a secret. I only told Wulfe, because he's impartial. He won't see me as weak or a victim, but as his unicorn."

I paused, allowing the weight of my words to sink in. "Do you know what it felt like to be tethered to Damien, who looked like you but was rotten? How he used me, fed me, fucked me, touched me, and talked to me. Those two original sorcerers and their son, looked like Samuel and Bran, but they weren't them. They took Bran and Samuel out of their bodies and put them in those pendants. They hit me with spells, corrupting me. Damien kept me in his arms, drugged and in pain, while they tortured me. Looking like you, feeling like you, but smelling awful. Brainwashing me with drugs more or less all the time."

I continued, my voice filled with pain and anger. "And remember how I asked Bridgette to change the past, so Mariella seemed like the victim, not me? So you wouldn't have to face your choices. Do you remember how many times you chose her over me? I did it so you won't have an idea what I went through, how bloody broken I was, and a long time."

I didn't think, I just let the memories flow from that year. The pack knew what had happened, but I had never shared the details. And there I was, drunk as a skunk, reminiscing about the most monstrous year of my life. It had been the worst time and after that; it took so much out of me trying to fake it till I made it. They learned the truth in time, but it again broke them and drove them away from me. But I had Colin, Magnum, Wulfe, and my new fleas then. 

It all happened because Mariella manipulated Damon, and even the Salvatores and others, making them all fall in love with her. The original sorcerer had the idea of impregnating Mariella and having her babies as their new offspring, but I ended up being the one affected. I discovered that someone was targeting her, although I had no clue what I was stumbling into when I got caught.

They resurrected Damien and bound his life force to me, making him look like Damon and smell like a wet dog. The plan was to resurrect Damien and link him to Mariella, but I got mixed up. This worked out well for Damien, but the sorcerers couldn't get from me what they wanted. The whole time, the pack thought I was on vacation with Magnum or working, but they never asked or tried to find me, not even Charles.

Then the sorcerer and his son cast spells, making me witness and listen to the pack berate and hate me, planning awful things, like Mariella suggesting that Damon use me as a stress toy. They manipulated the past again, making me look bad and making it seem like I almost had a relationship with Nick and didn't want to be the alpha female. Meanwhile, I was pregnant with Damien's babies, almost at full term.

Only my desperation unlocked the spell Bridgette had put in my mind, so I remembered her. She saved me. Bridgette got rid of them and Damien, making the past year seem like I was just working at the hospital. The pack wasn't angry with me, and Bran and Samuel were exposed, but I made Bridgette make it seem like they were targeting Mariella instead of me. In our alternate past, I was too busy to help.

I made Bridgette do it because I couldn't face Damon. I was too traumatized to let him even touch me. So it was easier to get him to be upset with me for not helping mariella than to face him. I just could not tolerate him. I wasn't sure if he was Damon or Damien. It took Colin, Wulfe, Bridgette, and drugs to help me get through it. Even then, it took time for me to tolerate his touch. I never told him about my recovery or my fears, and I never told the pack either. All the Salvatores were scary for me for a long time. Even number two. My trauma plagued me for a long time. 

Dark thoughts kept plaguing my mind, but somehow they lost some of their power as I talked to myself and went through shed sessions, reliving the tortures I had gone through that I hadn't even told Wulfe about. I felt exhausted, but I kept on drinking. I was all the time purging my mind, my vampire alpha power, now my mark, night black stripe in my hair visible as my alpha power was slowly cleaning, it was nowhere near clean but at least some of it went away already.

Damon's apparition told me, "Keep doing whatever the hell you're doing, baby. This is it! Come on, put some oomph into it. I can get in faster. And that year, I had no idea. I might be able to get it out of your mind, baby. I will help you. I will talk to Wulfe so he can help me. I've been a fool with you for so long, and I have so many regrets."

His voice was soft, filled with a multitude of emotions that, in my drunken state, convinced me that I had conjured the perfect version of him in my mind. A version that truly desired me, all of me.

I had no idea what I was truly doing, as I cleansed my vampire alpha power. I was in a state of blissful relaxation, with Damon constantly entering my hive to keep me grounded and prevent me from passing out. As I purged those painful memories, I unintentionally presented them to Damon, empowering him. Memory after memory, my vampire power cleansed, simultaneously feeding Damon with my burdens and granting him an incredible boost. At times, my head throbbed intensely, but I stared into the glass of blood in my hand, pouring a little more and drinking until the ache was barely felt.

He spoke to me intermittently, and so I continued to drink, occasionally hearing his comments on my memories. Yet, in my intoxicated state, I couldn't truly fathom his presence or the fact that he could see deep into the core of my dark, hollow soul. I bared myself in a way I had never done before, believing it to be a mere figment of my imagination rather than Damon bonding with me in an entirely new way.

I began to feel drained, and exhausted, but I persisted in drinking, knowing that I had to consume as much as I could. After downing that five-liter jug, I mixed more, unsure of the contents but selecting the black-coded bags, indicating the strongest concoction. I poured them into my jug until it was full and drank. This was now our power.

Gasping after a few sips, I felt my intoxicated state deepening. I attempted to speak, but my mouth felt clumsy and my words slurred.

I managed to utter, "So many regrets, so many losses, never again," referring to the deaths of Jake and Rob.

Once again, I revealed the raw truth, allowing the pain to consume me, propelling me forward. I let the memory unfold, both of their last moments. I again felt that soul-searing pain of losing them. Unbeknownst to me, I was unknowingly granting Damon a power that felt like rocket fuel compared to his usual abilities. It provided him with the strength to break free from Annaliese's influence and swiftly merge with our hive.

Damon reassured me, "Yes, you're almost finished. It won't be much longer, baby. Keep drinking, keep feeling. I'm almost there."

I slurred my words in response. "At least I won't strip for you. I may be nearly incapacitated, but I'll keep my clothes on. I'm not that lustful."

Panting, I yearned for this sensation to fully blossom and overwhelm me.

He gazed at me and asked, with a voice that was furiously calm, "Why do you constantly frigging yourself, your hand moving rapidly on your own?"

After experiencing a powerful orgasm, I withdrew my hand and replied, "It is my body, my choice. If I want to have some fun, I have every right to do so. I want to feel. Something else than pain and loneliness."

The aftershocks of the orgasm caused me to shudder and moan.

He smirked and said, "Believe me, one day I will make you strip for me when you're drunk and willing, and I'll let the whole pack see it."

I looked at him, taking a sip from my glass, and corrected him, "It's not a pack, it's my hive. I am the queen. If you misbehave, I might just make you a drone."

He stared at me and declared, "My love, you have no idea. Soon there will be a king in our hive, and the king always comes before the queen. Remember that."

I responded, my vision becoming blurry as I drank some blood, "Oh, now you're quoting song titles. I know my Roxette songs. Sometimes I feel vulnerable, being the queen of rain. But then again, if someone takes me on a joyride, that's mostly physical fascination. It's almost unreal. But in the morning, it's nice to have a simple breakfast like milk toast and honey, so I don't feel like fading away like a flower. It must have been love."

Damon smiled and said to me, "Keep drinking. You're almost there, and soon I'll join you. Then we can start planning to take Annaliese down. You know, baby, I'll protect you too. She can hurt you as well."

I looked at Damon and mumbled, "I'm not Lilah. I won't die. I'm unkillable. You'll be with Mariella, not me. Wulfe will be upset, and I'll lose him too. But I'll get by. If I let you go, it won't hurt...maybe. Or maybe I'll just feel incomplete. I'm such a fool, once again."

He smiled wearily and told me, "Drink up, faster. Go on, the next glass. Fill it to the brim and gulp it down."

I was exhausted, my vision blurring. I continued to operate my hand repeatedly until darkness engulfed me completely. Slumped slightly in the chair, I dropped the glass as I passed out, unaware of any dreams, only surrounded by darkness as my power settled in. With my hair remaining white, with my black stripe telling my alpha status, my vampire side remained dominant at all times. I was the queen of my hive.