Stop Blaming Yourself!

Once the day of the war arrives, all the men get ready early in the morning.

Only I am left with nothing to do, I stroll around the camp and try to be useful... Fixing some reins, handing out weapons, reassuring the younger soldiers and so on.

Some of the men from my old squadron pass by me, one looks in my direction with sad eyes -Miss Ying...- and his companion drags him away -Let's just go, we can't do anything about it- they both sigh and pass over me not even greeting me. Looking at them I feel even more pitiful, afterall I am being labelled as a traitor... And those taking my side have been mocked and received the cold shoulder by those who hate me.

I start polishing my sword to keep myself busy and try out a few moved to warm up muscles, I see Shun and his group riding their horses close by. Shun looks at me with a hint of disappointment and leaves just like that

-Look at those little...- come Qin Luo's voice -It's ok, no need to call them names. I told you that I understand them quite well afterall- I say turning toward him -So, are you all set?- he nods and then shakes his head -Actually no now that I think about it-

I rise an eyebrow and he smiles, reaching an hand toward my hair... He brings the black locks to his lips while staring into my eyes -You really want to be dragged to trial with me, don't you?- his smiles widen as he kisses my hair -I would go to the underworld with you-.

...

As the men slowly march away, I walk in the opposite direction and head toward the infirmary. I wear half armor and tie a few weapons around my body for precaution...

Once I reach the big tend, all the soldiers have left. Only Xu Lei's squadron can be seen in the distance, he turns around and nods toward me so I reciprocate, allowing him to move on with the plan. Once he receives my order he looks straight ahead and gallop away -Good luck- I whisper.

After a few seconds spent looking at the empty horizon I turn on myself and enter the infirmary... I can't help but be anxious, having to delegate my work to someone else and not be there to protect the men, nor supervisionate the situation, is really triggering me in all the wrong ways.

-Oh Miss Ying, do you need assistance or stitches?- asks a guy, he's quite short and puffy cheeked... He resembles Nan in a way, especially when looking at me with those wide eyes while waiting for a reply. I get taken aback for a moment and he tilts his head -Is something the matter?- -Uhm, no. I'm alright... I'm just here to pay a visit to someone-

He lights up at my words and his eyes sparkle -Oh it must be He Rang! He's been asking about you nonstop these days! Follow me, this way-.

After rising a veil he enters one last room where a few improvised bed are placed close to eachother... I remember this room, I saw many men dying under these sheets... Yet most of the beds are empty as for now -Has everyone been discharged?- I ask him as we walk through them -No sadly... Most of them died or have been sent back after loosing a few pieces- he replies coldly, clearly wanting to avoid the topic -Oh there he is, enjoy you chat Ying Tongjun-.

I approach the bed and seat beside it, He Rang seems to be sleeping lightly and wakes up as soon as I get closer. He blinks a few times and then smiles -Oh finally you've come... I thought I wouldn't have seen you anymore haha- he laughs with a hoarse voice -Why is that?- he chuckles -As if in don't know you've been feeling guilty and taking all the blame... In your little contorted head you probably thought you weren't allowed to come greet me as a punishment-

I clench my jaw, not being actually able to debate that and he bursts out laughing -Happy to know I'm finally starting to know you! But still... You're wrong, look!- he tries to stand up but I rush to him and grab his arms -You aren't supposed to walk yet, lay down in bed please- he laughs more -It's ok, I'm not seriously injured. I'm healing well!-

-Just because your injury is in a stable situation that doesn't mean you're safe. Why you think they haven't sent you back yet? Moving around with that will cause trouble, one wrong move and you will end up in critical condition... If you were to lacerate the tissue and hurt the arteries neerby the...-

-Lai'Er, I know. I know I'm in bad shape, I was just trying to make you feel better- he stops me and seats back down -Stop feeling guilty for me, please?- I look at his pleading eyes and reluctantly agree -Fine, let's change the topic now-

-So, how did everything go with Xu Lei? He told me he was to take your role for the next battle- I nod I'm agreement -Good, I managed to give him it all- his face contorts -All...? Don't tell me you- -Yes, I'm sorry. But I had no other choice- I reply firmly

He joins his hand over the thighs -Qin Luo was worried exactly about this but said you reassured him. You told him you had a way to defend yourself if something happened here at the camp...-

-I lied or he would have never allowed Xu Lei and the others to proceed with the plan. I had to give all my powers to him or he won't make it back... He's barely alive and what he might face there can kill him once and for all. Still, I'm still a trained soldier so I can use my physical abilities if needed-

-Lai'Er... The enemy's too unpredictable, you're risking too much this time. Hope you know that. If we lose you, we lose the war- his tone is serious, he might be dumb on the surface but he knows very well what the current situation is and how a single move could change the outcome of everything else -You should have asked Qin Luo to stay with you. And don't start the "I don't want to rely on somebody else" shit! You can be the most powerful and empowered human but there are times when we need help anyway... Looks at me, I currently need help for something as stupid as walking, can't you use a little help in defending your life?-

I look to the ground -If I have to resort to begging for help... I have someone who can help me, but that's gonna be my last card to play- he looks confused -You don't mean... That man, do you?- I nod -Well then, make sure to stay close by to some temple or whatever... Since you said he's a sort of Deity. Let's just not tell Qin Luo... I know this isn't relevant when a life's at stake but, you know- he scrapes his neck awkwardly

-I'll make sure to rescue you too when the time comes. That's the least I can do-

He nods a couple of times while pondering my words -Anyway, how's it going with the guys? I mean, your friends under General Wu- I end up scoffing at his words

-I guess we can't help but touch sensitive topics today... They're taking their distance from me, I do understand them for being mad but still... I wasn't expecting Shun to react this way. He's always been the understanding type, ready to shoulder everyone's blame with a smile and help others. Yet, this time he seems to have been angered by me, actually he looks kind of disappointed too...

Maybe, after being on the battlefield for so long he became scared. You will eventually realize that this is how our lives are here, we die and we loose friends... And he's afraid I might be the cause of many of these losses- I finish my sentence with a soft voice -But I don't blame him anyway- I known that I have caused many deaths.

-He will eventually soften, don't worry Lai'Er. Just focus on cleaning your name from the false accusations for now and get back on your feet- I shot my head up -Oh please, don't give me that look... We all know you're depressed as hell. You probably keep thinking "oh it's all my fault, I should take my distance and stop endangering my friends... I'm cursed blah blah blah"- he mocks me before bursting out laughing -Tell me I am right, I need to hear those words-

A smile have been stolen from me by his funny speech that resembles my thoughts so much -Mhn, that's true- -See? You wanna play mysterious but there's no need to! Now throw away the depressed ChangLai and ger back on that battlefield. It's waiting for you-