Chapter 76

"My precious love, I am so sorry. So, so, sorry for the things I said to you. I did not mean them. Not like that. I was hurt that you had made me feel like I had failed you. It is a fear of mine, my greatest fear, to fail you. When you said it was only ice cream, I was so hurt that you had done that. Please forgive me. I was cold to you, and you did not deserve it." He gently ran his thumb over my cheek, wiping away tears that was just replaced with more. "I am so sorry for hurting you this way, for shutting you out, to cause you to do that, to hurt yourself in that way. My heart stopped when I saw you lying there. I was a fool and please, give me a chance to make this up to you? I know I will never be able to truly fix it, but please give me the chance to try. I never meant to make you feel you were alone."

I looked shocked. I was expecting hate and instead he was asking for my forgiveness. I felt Bucky turn my face towards him. 

"I'm sorry Doll. I never should've asked you to leave, and I never should've left you alone. Shutting that door was the stupidest thing I could've ever done. I will never forgive myself for it. I was hurt and didn't think in the moment about how it would affect you. I had just wanted time without anyone in my head. But I should have asked you for it, not just shut you out." He swallowed and tears fell down his cheeks. "We both died a little when we saw you, saw what you had done. I knew it was our fault because we didn't think. We just reacted. And we destroyed you in the process, the one thing we prize above everything else."

Loki whispered to me. "You gave me your heart, warned me I had the power to destroy you. But I didn't listen. And I broke your heart. Broke you. I have never in my life hurt anyone the way I hurt you, to hurt you so much that you tried to take you own life." His voice broke. "If Wanda had not noticed that you had shielded so tightly that you disappeared, we would have been too late. Our foolish pride cost us your love. And it almost cost you your life. We broke your trust in us, in everyone. You had grown so much and then we broke you.

To have watched how little you interacted with anyone, never coming outside even though it's similar to your favorite place. I had thought bringing you here would help you heal. But you wanted no one, spoke to no one. You had closed yourself off from everyone. But then Thor reached you. He told us how you started to talk and to smile again. I was happy that he could help you heal. I am sorry that I was not the one who could, but then I was the one that put you there. I have no right to ask but please try to find it in your heart to forgive me. I still love you, Ariane. I never stopped and I will never stop."

Loki bowed his proud head and just cried. Bucky whispered, "I love you too. Always and forever, remember? And I meant it. I never stopped loving you. And I won't stop."

I gazed at them. They both looked so broken. They were proud men, and here they were humbling themselves in front of me. I covered my face with my hands and just cried. They still loved me. And I still loved them. This had hurt us all badly. But because of love we would repair it. I heard them shift and I knew they wanted to hold me but were holding back. They didn't know if it would be welcomed.

I raised my head and uncovered my face. I looked at them, just seeing them. They each had pain in their eyes, but I also saw love in their eyes. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened them and whispered. "I love you too."

I watched as joy filled their faces. I couldn't believe how those four words changed them so much. 

"Oh, my love." Loki started to reach for my hand but stopped, unsure if I would allow it or not. I reached out and took his hand. He raised it to his lips and then just held it. I reached my other hand out to Bucky. He laced his fingers with mine. I sat there, just holding their hands. I tightened my grip on their hands. 

"I never stopped loving you. Ever. But when you shut me out, when you left me, my world ended. I became nothing again. Unwanted. Unloved. Not even worth caring if I left naked or not. That alone told me that I'd lost everything. That I'd lost you.

And I was so tired of being nothing. I got in the water because, through my own inexperience and stupidity, I lost the two people that meant so much to me. Had caused you to turn away from me and leave me. I deserved to hurt from the water, but I couldn't feel it. I hurt too much inside. My heart was shattered, my soul broken. I'd seen the dagger on my way to the shower. I grabbed it because it was yours Loki, something of you because those daggers are so much a part of who you are. But as I sat there, looking at my life, seeing nothing but darkness and pain, pain received and so much pain given. It seemed all I did was hurt people. 

I didn't see that life as something worth keeping anymore. I was so broken I couldn't even begin to pick up the pieces. I'd found myself in a dream that I'd woken up from and found I was still alone. I was tired of being alone. Tired of being worthless and not being good enough for people to want to keep me. So, I cut my wrists as deep as I could. I shielded so Wanda wouldn't know and stop me. I already knew you wouldn't register what was happening. You didn't even notice when I removed the doors. 

I didn't want anyone to find me. I wasn't meant to be saved. But you did and I figured it was from guilt. I knew you didn't love me anymore so it couldn't be that. I didn't want to wake up, but I did. And I knew that I held so much pain, so much agony, that if I spoke it would all come out. So, I didn't talk. I stopped believing that anyone cared for me or could care for me. It made seeing everyone awkward. 

Then Thor came. He didn't say anything to me, just held me and cried. It made me say something, seeing Thor cry. He held me as I cried out my pain. I felt comforted when he held me. He stayed with me that night and for the first time since I woke up, I slept without nightmares filled with the past and present."

Bucky and Loki looked so ashamed. Loki closed his eyes and then looked at me, eyes filled with pain. 

"I put you through hell. I know my brother is in love with you. You might be shielded tightly but he is not, and I do not think he was even trying to be. I know he kissed you several times, that you kissed him. That part of you desires him. And that is no more than what we deserve. He is more worthy of your love. 

But I also know you refused him. Ariane, why? He offered you the love you always craved. Pure and unselfish. But you wouldn't act on it. Dare I even hope it's because you still want us?"

I looked at him and then Bucky. I saw the hope in their eyes. They seemed to hold their breath, waiting for my answer.

"Thor told me he loved me the second night he stayed with me. He wanted me to know because he was also physically attracted to me. And yes, the temptation was there. Someone who I felt safe with, loving me. Yes, part of me wanted him. But I couldn't. I still loved you both. And I knew you wanted to see me. I couldn't make any decisions until I did, until I knew if you wanted me still or not. Because I still want you. I want you both. I miss what we had so much. But I'm scared. I'm scared to take that chance, to recreate those doors and reopen them.

You both rejected me in the cruelest way you could have, in the most intimate way we had for just us. So yes, I'm scared to open up, scared to trust again. But I miss you."

Both moved as one and enveloped me in a hug and just held me, crying. I froze. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I was now unsure of myself. I questioned my every movement, terrified of hurting someone. I had lost a large part of myself.