56. Chapter 56

AN: Quick note for those of you who read What I'm Here For and Still Here. I have started posting the third instalment, Here We Are. I'm on chapter 5, but have received a few comments lately citing surprise at having realized.

Hope you like this chapter. It was...challenging, but I think I'm happy with it.

It was quiet.

The pure silence that existed in this place when no one was talking seemed oxymoronic. There was no chatter of other people drifting down the familiar hallways of the hospital. There were no footsteps. No machines hummed, beeped or alarmed. The hospital was usually full of activity; chatter, movement, noise. It had been a constant, the life of the hospital, something Meredith had grown accustomed to.

But now, in the utter lack of noise, the silence screamed at her, louder than anything before.

It didn't smell like the hospital either. The normally sterile smell of the halls had morphed into...nothing. She inhaled, but there was nothing. Her hair no longer smelled of the lavender Derek loved. Her scrubs didn't smell like detergent.

And her touch felt duller, like she couldn't feel anything properly.

It felt like her essence was fading away, deserting her. All that was left was sight and sound.

"I don't want to be here," she whispered.

The man sitting across the hall from her, his slumped position mirroring her own, nodded. "I get that."

Meredith lifted her eyes, meeting those of the man who had once captured the heart of her roommate. "Are you...always here."

Denny shrugged in a away that told her he couldn't tell her. "This is your afterlife, not mine."

"I don't want to be here," she repeated, closing her eyes. "How did I get here?"

"How do any of us get here?"

She released a breath of air, fighting not to whimper. "Are you actually going to answer any of my questions?"

He smiled supportively. "There's only so much I can tell you. You called me here for a reason."

"Izzy never told me you were Mr. Cryptic."

"You know why you're here," he offered. "You don't need me to tell you."

Derek inhaled a shaky breath into his aching chest as he stared through the paned glass at his girlfriend's mother. He didn't trust himself to enter the room again, not after Addison had practically had to drag him out when she caught him yelling at the amnesic woman. And as much as his ex-wife was right about one thing – that Ellis Grey was a black hole – she was wrong about another – that this wasn't Derek's fault.

If only he had taught her to swim.

There had been so many chances. That morning he was fishing, when she first told him she didn't swim. The many times they had wandered down to his pond. The time they went camping with their friends. He could still remember making lewd comments about skinny dipping in the river by their campsite, and making love to her by the lake they found in the middle of the forest. He had been so intent on ravaging her that he had forgone getting in the water.

It had been his decision.

She had left it up to him, had told him straight out that she was up to going in the water if he was. And he had decided it was too cold. He alone had decided to delay their first swim lesson. Maybe if things had been different she would have been able to get to the dock. He would have lost out on one intimate experienced with her, but it would have gained him the lifetime he was about to lose.

With a heavy sigh, Derek turned away from Ellis. In his mind there were two people at fault for what happened to Meredith. Ellis and himself. Ellis had failed miserably in being there for her daughter. She had never been affectionate, had never shown up when she was needed, had never taught her daughter anything constructive about life.

She had never fought for her daughter.

Derek would never stop fighting for her. He loved her far too much to let her fight this on her own.

With the realization of what he had to do in the very front of his mind, Derek turned on his heel and rushed for the elevator that would take him to the ER floor. He wasn't going to take no for an answer anymore. He needed to be in that room. Meredith needed him. He had promised her they would get through the day together.

The elevator doors closed with a bang, preventing him from hearing the flatline sound out across the cardio floor just moments after his exit.

Time didn't seem to exist in this lifeless place Meredith found herself in. She could have been sitting on the cold, hard floor of the hospital hallway for an eternity for all she knew. Except that the floor was neither cold nor hard like it should be.

She didn't want to be here.

She glanced upward at Denny and frowned as she watched his expression change briefly.

"What is it?"

He held up a finger for a long moment, before opening his eyes. "Izzy."

This sparked hope in Meredith. "You can see her?"

"No." He shook his head, his eyes moist. "But sometimes...when we're in the same place at the same time...I can almost feel her."

"Almost?"

"It's all you get here. Just a whiff of a loved one. And then they move on."

"That's not enough," she breathed. "I had plans. Derek and I...we had plans. We have plans."

"So did I."

"No. No!" She cried. "This cannot be happening. I fought. I..."

Denny nodded. "You remember."

Meredith closed her eyes and shook her head as she remembered the water. The cold. The pain. The despair. "I don't want to be here," she repeated for the umpteenth time. "I fought so hard."

"That's not always enough. Some people can't be saved."

"But..." She trailed off, unable to voice another word. She was a doctor. She knew the hard truth about who could and could not be saved.

"It's not always enough to fight," Denny repeated. "But sometimes others will fight for you, too."

"Will that be enough?"

He shrugged again. "That's why we're here."

"I don't understand."

Denny offered a dark, ominous look. "We're waiting."

Her lower lips trembled ever so slightly. "For what?"

He didn't respond with words, but his eyes told her everything she needed to know. They were waiting for her to die, for everyone to stop fighting for her, or... Or they were waiting for a miracle.

All eyes flew to him as he pushed through the swinging door of the trauma room, but he barely noticed. All he saw was the woman he loved. Vulnerable and exposed, hooked up to so many monitors, that all seemed to say the same thing in a different way; she wasn't responding.

"Derek-" Burke began, only to be cut off.

"Shepherd, get out," Richard boomed.

Derek shook his head, standing his ground. "No. I need to be here."

"Derek, we've had this conversation."

"I love her," he stated, moving to stand by her head, his hands reaching to run through her hair. "I'm not going anywhere. I won't get in the way, but I need to be here."

Richard tightened his jaw and looked away.

Bailey stepped in, trying again. "Derek, you...shouldn't be here for this. She wouldn't want you here for this."

"Yes. Yes, she would. I need to be here. I promised her."

"Derek..."

"You owe me this," he stated. "There was a bomb in the OR next door, and I refused to evacuate to save your husband's life. You don't have the right to ask me to leave now." Derek pulled an empty stool over and sat, showing that he was intent on staying. He reached for Meredith's cold, clammy hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm here," he whispered, pressing his lips against her forehead. "I love you so much."

Richard approached him quietly, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure this is the last way you want to see her? Because she might not-"

Derek shook his head, cutting Richard off before he could finish. He couldn't stand the thought of hearing the rest of that sentence. "I promised her," he whispered, meeting the older man's eyes. "I promised her forever. I...I promised her a lifetime. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But..." He trailed off as his voice cracked and a new batch of tears found their way to his red eyes. "But if this is the end of her lifetime, then I need to be here. I'll fight tooth and nail for her, but if she doesn't come back from this, I need to be here for her."

Richard didn't say anything, but nodded and looked away quickly. And across the small trauma room, Bailey was ignoring his eyes too, hers suspiciously reflective.

Clutching tightly to her hand, Derek leaned his forehead against hers, willing heat and life into her body. "She feels warmer."

"We've got her temp up," Bailey said gently. "But her heart's still not beating."

"Just give her time."

"It's been three hours."

"How many doses of epi has she had?"

Bailey avoided his eyes again. "Too many."

"Have you tried shocking her?" The silence he was met with was his answer. If this was any other patient, they would have called time of death ages ago.

But this wasn't any other patient.

"I can't be here!" Meredith exclaimed. Her chest felt like it was shrinking, crushing the ever-so-important organs within it. "This isn't right. It isn't fair! I...Derek. I can't... I'm not ready to..." Her eyes welled. "It can't be like this. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"I know."

"Just a whiff of him isn't enough."

"I know that too."

"What can I do? How can I get back?"

Denny sighed. "You're running out of time."

"I'm what?" She asked, as the water flooded the hallway. With a strangled cry she leapt to her feet. "No. I'm not ready. This can't be happening." And she ran from the water.

The center of the surgical floor, normally filled with people, now only held the few people Meredith had apparently called to help her. "I can't breathe," she stammered, doubling over, her arms around her middle as she gasped for air.

"This will pass," Bonnie said.

"You just have to let go," her mother's old scrub nurse added, "And everything will be better."

The pain that was ripping through her chest was strong, but Meredith couldn't let herself 'let go.' It sounded too much like 'giving up.' There could still be a chance. She had people who would fight for her. Derek would fight for her. She just needed to hold on a little longer.

"Just give her time," Derek whispered, returning his forehead to Meredith's. "I love you," he whispered.

She was stronger than this. She had to be stronger than this. She couldn't overcome such a horrible childhood, only to succumb to something like this. She deserved better.

And he would be better for her, if only he got the chance.

He just needed another chance.

The heart monitor blipped, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Is that V-fib?" Bailey called.

"Charge the paddles!" Richard demanded.

With a breath of hope, Derek released his grip on Meredith's hand and pulled away, watching silently as Meredith's limp body rose with the shock, only to fall back down, just as limp. It made bile rise in his throat.

The monitor went back to displaying a flat line, and the room seemed to breathe out as one.

"Damnit," Richard mutter, dropping the paddles back onto the table with an ominous clanging. And even though he only uttered the one word, the whole room could hear the under tones. This isn't working. We're going to lose her. Maybe we already have...

"She's fighting," Derek whispered, returning to her side. "She's not giving up, so you can't either."

"Derek, it's been hours. She should have responded by now."

He shook his head desperately. "She can fight this."

"Derek," Richard said calmly. "We need to start accepting the possibility that she won't-"

"No!" Derek shouted. "No. I won't ever give up on her. I know her. She can fight this. She's overcome so much-" His voice cracked, but he continued. "She can overcome this too. She has to."

Before anyone could respond, the door was pushed open, revealing a shaky Cristina Yang. She met Derek's eyes quickly, her gaze telling him she had overheard his protests. They shared a look of understanding, knowing they were the two people in the world who knew Meredith best.

"Cristina," Bailey whispered. "You shouldn't be here."

For the first time, Cristina completely ignored her resident, her eyes still trained on Derek's as she approached the bed, her hands clutching onto Meredith's feet. "Try again," she whispered.

"We've tried too many times already," Richard said gently.

Derek shook his head angrily. "If you won't fight for her, there are a ton of people in this hospital who will."

"This has nothing to do with-"

Bailey cut him off, her voice wavering. "One more round of ACLS drugs."

With a sigh, Richard turned away from Derek and nodded. "One more."

With his heart clenched painfully in his throat, Derek lowered his head, and buried his face in the crook of Meredith's neck, disheartened by the lack of lavender wafting from her still damp hair. "You can do this," he whispered against her lifeless skin. "I need you. I can't do this without you. Please fight for me. Please," he begged. "Just a little harder."

There was silence as Bailey administered the drugs.

The heart monitor continued to display a low, flat rhythm.

No one spoke.

No one moved.

Derek could barely breathe as he shut his eyes tight and tried not to cry anymore. This couldn't possibly be the end. He needed her in a forever kind of way.

He needed her.

There was a long, pregnant pause, where she should have responded, but didn't.

Derek could feel the mood falling around him. They were accepting defeat. They were giving up. Even Cristina.

This couldn't be happening.

He couldn't lose her.

Not like this.

Not now.

If he lost her in fifty years it would feel too soon.

He needed her. Forever.

She was his life. She gave him meaning. She had saved him. It had felt like he was drowning when he had moved to Seattle. But she had saved him.

And he hadn't saved her. Derek had failed her.

He released a painful, shaky breath, still holding onto the smallest glimmer of hope for a miracle. She was so strong. If anyone could fight this, she could.

'Come on, Mer,' he pleaded silently. 'Please. Fight. For me.'

A blip appeared on the heart monitor.

And then another.

And another.

"Sinus-brady," Bailey said in awe.

"She's really back?" Richard asked.

Burke moved forward, stethoscope in hand as he listened to her chest and nodded. "She's back."

Cristina looked frozen in place, her face a mask of nothingness.

But Derek cried openly, pressing his lips to Meredith's cheek and forehead. "Good job, Mer. I knew you could do it."

He felt frozen and numb and oblivious all at the same time as people fluttered around checking and rechecking leads and vitals and monitors. Derek barley noticed any of it, still focusing on the whole love of his life having a heartbeat thing.

It wasn't until a hand fell on his shoulder that he looked up.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded absently. "Thank-you, Miranda."

She nodded back. "Maybe this makes us even now."

He almost laughed, knowing he would probably feel indebted to the woman for the rest of his life, regardless of the fact that he had saved her husband.

"But Derek, keep in mind..." She sighed. "Just because her heart is beating doesn't mean everything is okay. She was deprived of oxygen for a long time..."

He nodded. "I know."

"I just don't want you to get too..."

"What? Too attached? Too hopeful? Too late."

"Derek..."

He inhaled a shaky breath. "I know better than anyone the risks to her brain. But I just need to focus on the fact that she's warm and her heart is beating for right now."

"Okay." She squeezed his shoulder again and left him alone for a long period of time, not that Derek had any sense of time right now. All he was aware of was Meredith.

000

"Derek," Bailey called, pulling him from his reverie. "I need you to step back for a second. I'm going to extubate her."

He glanced up, surprised to see that it was just Bailey and Cristina left in the room with him. "You need to see if she'll breathe on her own." It wasn't a question.

She nodded. "It's time."

With a shaky breath, Derek pushed his stool back a foot, still clutching onto Meredith's hand and keeping to his promise to not get in the way.

Bailey worked silently as she peeled of the tape holding the breathing tube in place, and expertly removed the tube.

There was only a slight pause before Meredith's chest continued to rise and fall steadily on its own, allowing Derek to breathe easier. "She's breathing," he murmured, more to himself than anyone else.

"She is," Bailey responded. "That's a good sign." She offered Derek a supportive smile before quietly leaving the room.

Left alone with only his unconscious girlfriend, and his girlfriend's mute best friend, Derek found himself able to sit back and feel like time was moving normally again. With one hand still clutched to Meredith's, his free hand ran along her cheek and forehead, his fingers brushing through her stiff hair. Her colour, not blue anymore, was still very pale. Her skin was clammy.

But she was alive, and right then, in that very moment, that was all that mattered in Derek's life. Everything ceased to exist for him, other than the fact that Meredith's heart was beating and she was breathing on her own.

Several more minutes passed in silence, Derek still running his hand along Meredith's face, as if convincing himself she was real, and Cristina still clutching to Meredith's feet, as if they were the only thing keep her standing.

Eventually, Derek sighed and turned to Cristina, offering a wry smile. "I don't think I've ever been that scared in my entire life."

Cristina's eyes flickered towards him, and her mouth opened. But no sound came out. She was at as much a loss as Derek as to what should be said. Her eyes told him she had been scared too, but would never admit it in front of him. The walls that had fallen during their brief fight together for Meredith were slowly being rebuilt. She was an individual who didn't like being vulnerable. And that was okay. Derek understood; he was the same way. And so was Meredith.

He and Meredith were learning to let each other in, to be vulnerable in front of the other person. And he assumed Cristina was the same with Burke, and maybe Meredith.

Derek nodded, acknowledging the continued silence between them, and motioning that it was okay. There wasn't anything to be said. And for a moment, Cristina looked like she was going to speak.

But then the faintest wisp of a sound came from Meredith's lips, and Derek's attention was back on her.

"Mer? Meredith? Did you try to say something?"

Her eyelids fluttered, but did not open. Her lips parted just slightly, and a small moan came out.

"I'm here, Mer. It's okay. You're okay." He squeezed her hand and stood so he could look down at her, taking in her entire face.

"Your brain works, Meredith," Cristina added, appearing on Meredith's other side. "Your brain works, so you can speak."

"...ouch..." she mumbled, but it was enough.

Derek choked back a sob as tears welled in his eyes. "There you are," he murmured, coaxing her to open her eyes. The sparkling green of her irises made his heart clench, and pushed his tears over the lower lids of his eyes. For a moment her gaze wavered, but then her eyes found his and stayed.

"Hey," he whispered.

She swallowed, and then her lips parted again, "Hey," she whispered back. Her eyes closed for a long moment, but when they re-opened, she found the strength to offer him a small smile.

"God, Meredith, I love you so much," he whispered hoarsely, dropping his head to lean his forehead against her chin, his nose buried in the crook of her neck. "Thank-you for coming back to me."

Meredith slowly brought her free hand upwards to nestle in Derek's hair, offering him as much comfort as she could muster. "...love you..."

After a long moment, Derek lifted his head and grabbed her free hand, kissing every digit.

She closed her eyes for another long moment, before turning her gaze towards her best friend. Derek dropped her far hand, but kept a firm grasp on the close one, unable to give her and Cristina any more space. He doubted he could physically survive as further away from her.

"Uh, welcome back," Cristina offered. "I, uh..." she paused, glancing towards Derek for a moment. "I'm getting married to Burke," she blurted. "Which shouldn't be on your list of priorities right now, but in case you hear it..." She trailed off and swallowed hard, her emotions getting the best of her. "You are the one person I wanted to tell."

Meredith offered her a tiny smile. "Happy...for you."

Cristina nodded and stepped back. "I'm, uh, going to go tell Bailey you're awake. Because she'll want to know. And the Chief. And...everyone." And she hurried from the room.

Regardless of her reason, Derek was grateful to be alone with his girlfriend. His living, breathing, talking girlfriend.

"Derek," she murmured, and he almost fell over at the sound of his name coming from her lips. His legs suddenly felt weak and he sat, still leaning close over her.

Meredith carefully turned her head toward him. "Thank you...fighting...for me."

Derek ran a hand across his face and through his hair. "I'll always fight for you."

"I tried...wasn't enough...needed...you..."

He didn't understand, but he squeezed her hand. "You have me, Meredith. You will always have me. I..." His throat suddenly felt raw. "I can't live without you."

She squeezed his hand in response.

Derek took a deep breath. "Do you...remember what happened?"

"Got pushed...fell..." she whispered. "Couldn't... Too strong... Cold..."

His emotions overwhelmed him, and he shut his eyes tight, willing himself not to cry. But she squeezed his hand again, and he opened his eyes to meet hers. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. I...I let you down. I promised...I promised to teach you and I failed you. I'm so sorry."

She took a breath and gently shook her head. "No. Derek. You...never...fail me..." She offered him a small, reassuring smile. "You saved...and you fought...for me."

His heart clenched at the way she was using any strength she had to comfort him. "How do you know it was me that saved you?"

"It's always you," she said simply. Her eyes shone to make their point, but then closed for a long moment.

"You saved me," he whispered. "And I won't ever let you down again."

Her eyes fluttered open, her lids still drooping. "...didn't..."

Derek leaned closed and kissed her softly on the lips. "Sleep," he told her. "We have the rest of our lives to discuss this."

"...kay..."

He pressed his lips to her warm forehead. "I love you, Meredith, more than anything else in the world."

Meredith's eyes fluttered open once more. "...love you too...Derek...so much..."

He smiled. "Get some sleep. You need it."

She met his eyes. "Stay...with...me...?"

Derek kissed her again, just as softly. "Absolutely. I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes drooped shut again, her breathing even. "...good..."

Derek smiled to himself as he allowed his mind to relax just a bit. Meredith was alive. She was breathing. Her heart was beating. She was talking, able to carry out a conversation. And she loved him.

His hand found her cheek again, running along her warm skin. "I'm here, Mer, and I'll be here when you wake up."

As he ran his hand through her hair, he caught the smallest hint of a smile across her lips.