41. Chapter 41

Derek sighed in relief as he finally pulled into the driveway of the house he had called home for the better half of a year. It had been a long week going into the hospital without his girlfriend, especially now that he had to deal with the sudden appearance of his former best friend who had, apparently, taken it upon himself to torture Derek at every opportunity.

The plastic surgeon knew no boundaries; cornering Derek in his office, conference rooms, scrub rooms, the bathroom... He kept demanding that Derek talk to him, that he be given an opportunity to explain. All the while Derek had to remind himself over and over that he had promised Meredith he wouldn't hit Mark again.

And now, with the news his ex-wife had given him today, Derek had been very close to breaking his promise. His fists had clenched involuntarily, and it had been all he could do to vacate the room Mark had most recently cornered him in, thus removing himself from the situation.

He turned off the ignition and stepped out of his car, allowing himself a small smile at the realization that the only other car there was Meredith's. It was still fairly early, so he expected to have a few hours alone with her in the house. George, he was pretty sure, was on until late that evening. And Izzy, although they hadn't convinced her to go back to work yet, had taken it upon herself to go out more and more.

The sight that met him inside was not surprising. It was the fourth day he had come home to find Meredith on the couch, surrounded by text books, newspapers, dishes and pop cans.

"Hey!" She called cheerfully.

He smiled and made his way into the living room, avoided the small obstacle course that led to her, and leaned down for a much needed kiss. "Hey honey, I'm home," he mumbled when they pulled away.

Meredith giggled and swatted at him. "I told you not to say that to me..."

Derek smirked and dropped down beside her. "You've told me everyday not to say that to you, but you've laughed every time I've said it."

She rolled her eyes. "It's funny...to hear you say something like that. But it's too domestic for us."

"Mmm," he agreed, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to breathe her in. It still amazed him just how much she could calm him. "But it is nice to come home to you."

She relaxed against his chest. "Don't get used to it," she warned. "I'm finally back to work tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it," he responded, making his voice sound light even though he really meant it. He missed her when he was at work without her. And he knew she was going stir crazy at home. He had received dozens of text messages from her in the past several days, claiming herself to be bored and enticing him to come home... Some of the messages had been more 'PG' than others. If he hadn't had so many surgeries scheduled that week he would have taken it off to be with her.

"Appendectomies suck," she mumbled into his chest.

He laughed. It was the same thing she had said every day so far. "So I've heard. But I wouldn't know." He patted his lower torso. "I'm good to my appendix."

She rolled her eyes as she muffled a laugh. "Shut up."

With a smile he pressed his lips against the side of her head. "I missed you today."

"You say that everyday."

"Well, today I mean it."

She raised her head off of his chest to meet his gaze, one of her eyebrows raised expectantly. "So, you lied every other day?"

He chuckled. "Of course not. I miss you every day, but today I..." He sighed. "Today I really missed you."

Her upper incisors found her lower lip as she reached a hand through his hair. "You're all tense. Did you...lose your patient?"

Derek shook his head. He had gone into work fearing for his first patient of the day; a young man with a malignant brain tumour they had barely caught in time. "No, he made it through surgery well. One round of chemo should be enough."

"That's great, Derek."

He nodded his agreement.

"So, then why are you all dark and twisty?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Dark and twisty?"

A giggle escaped her lips as she nodded.

He sighed heavily. "Mark and Addison."

Her expression softened and she met his eyes, her hand moving from the back of his head to his cheek. "Mark still stalking you?"

"Yeah. And I was dealing with it, but..." He trailed off and sighed again. "Addison chose today to tell me that that one night with Mark wasn't just one night."

A small gasp left her lips. "Oh, Derek..."

"She said she was in love with him, and that after I left they lived together for months."

"Was...was the time you caught them the first time?" She asked cautiously.

He paused for a moment, going over his earlier conversation with his ex-wife. "I...I think so. Maybe. But...I don't really know anymore." He scoffed, suddenly overwhelmed with anger. "The only reason she ever came to Seattle to get me back was because she caught him with someone else. And I know I shouldn't care. I know it's over. I know I'm better off now, but...but..." He trailed off as the anger morphed into sadness. For a moment it didn't matter that his ex-wife and his ex-best friend's actions had led to him finding the love of his life. For a moment all that mattered, all that he could comprehend, was just how badly he had failed.

"Derek..." She whispered. And then she was shifting beside him and her arms were around him, pulling him close. "You're allowed to care. I'm so sorry."

His mind was screaming at him to pull away, to not cry, and to not destroy her image of him as being perfectly strong. But, as his arms found her small body and his hands found fistfuls of her shirt and his breathing hitched in his chest, he wondered if maybe it was his image of himself that he was trying to preserve. "I just...I thought...but now..." It disheartened him that he couldn't string together more than a couple words. He opened his mouth to try again, but all that came out was a sob.

Meredith held him, silent and comforting, for several moments, letting him calm himself before she finally spoke. "It wasn't your fault, Derek," she told him, and the tone of her voice alone made him want to believe it. "What they did to you, both of them, was not your fault. Even if your marriage wasn't what it should be, that was no excuse for them. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I wasn't there enough," he countered, unable to control the emotional waver in his tone. "I was absent. She told me, and I know I was."

Meredith pulled back suddenly, her eyes fierce as she met his. "So? You were absent. Big deal. It takes two to let a marriage fall apart, Derek. Not just you. And maybe you were equally at fault for your marriage not being what it should, but she chose to jump into bed with Mark. And that was not your fault."

He found himself nodding along to her words, taken by the intensity of her gaze.

"She chose to do what she did," Meredith repeated. "So, she made her own bed, or whatever."

Derek couldn't help the hint of a smile that took over his lips at her attempt to use a well-known saying, but the smile was short lived. "She cheated on me, and then she lived with him for months. And then, when he cheated on her, she followed me here and tried to get me back, after I had just gotten my life sorted out again. What kind of a person does that?"

Meredith was silent for a moment before she responded. "A desperate one, maybe?" She sighed. "I know I've never lost you, but I was close once, and-"

"You weren't close," he cut in.

She smiled at him. "Fine, but I was at the point where I was telling myself I may lose you. And that...that's not a good feeling. You're a good man, Derek. And being with you is...amazing. And maybe she panicked. Maybe she made a mistake, and it just kept getting deeper, and then all she wanted was to get you back? Because she's not a horrible person, Derek."

Tension ebbed away from his as the small smile returned and remained. "Maybe you should have chosen psych instead of surgery."

She swiped a hand at him. "I'm a surgeon."

He laughed and resettled beside her so that she was leaning against him instead of the other way around. "She's not a horrible person," he agreed. "And neither is he. Which is maybe why it hurts so much. And maybe it's why I..."

She met his eyes. "Maybe it's why you blame yourself?"

"When did you get to be clairvoyant?"

She laughed. "Only when it comes to you."

"She came here after spending months with him," he said. "And who knows how long it had been since she had left him. Here I was thinking it had been months since he had touched her, but maybe...maybe it had only been days. And she expected me to take her back. She expected for us to pick up and move on like nothing had happened. What kind of a person does that?"

"A desperate one," she whispered. "She made a series of mistakes and she panicked."

He tightened his arms around her. "I love you. I love you more than I thought was possible. And I've never regretted being with you, Meredith, not for a second. But there's this part of me that wonders how different things would be if I..."

"If you'd picked her?" She whispered.

He nodded. "I can remember feeling so torn. I loved you so much already, but I let the doubt in. I let myself question how it was possible that I felt so much stronger for a woman I had just met than for the woman I had been married to for eleven years. What if I had let her convince me it was infatuation and not love? What if I had taken her back? Would she ever have told me?"

"I don't know," Meredith said quietly. "Maybe you could ask her? Maybe you still need that closure."

"I don't know either," he murmured, leaning his forehead against hers.

She reached for his hand, and gripped tightly. "You know what I do know?"

"What's that?"

"That life would suck if you'd gone back to her. I wouldn't be the same person."

He lifted his forehead away from hers. "Sure you would, Mer. You're so strong."

She shook her head. "No, I wouldn't. So much has happened this year, Derek. And you've been there for me when no one else has. And I..." She trailed off as he voice cracked ever so slightly, and when she continued, her voice was an octave higher. "I think I've changed...in a good way...because of you. I've done things, taken steps, that I never thought I'd be capable of. I'm growing, or whatever. And that's due in a large part to you."

He warmly at her. "Yeah, well, I've changed too; because of you. Just promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"If I ever...get absent or...distant with you, hit me over the head until I stop and listen to you. Because I never want to be distant with you, Meredith. Losing Addison like that was one thing, but even the thought of losing you that way..." He swallowed hard. "It kills me."

She leaned in suddenly, her lips finding his in a long, hard kiss, filled with emotion. When she pulled back her eyes were filled with an intensity he had rarely seen from her. "That will never happen, okay? I promise you, Derek. What Addison did to you?" She shook her head. "Won't ever happen again. I love you, and I'm in this. There won't ever be anyone else." She grabbed his hand and lifted it so that his palm rested over her heart. "You are the only one who gets to touch me, okay?"

"Okay," he managed to mumbled, before he leaned in to kiss her just as she had for him. "Just, promise me that you'll tell me if I'm being absent?"

"I promise. And promise me you're going to stop stressing."

He smiled as he felt a weight life off his chest. "I promise."

The corner of her lips quirked upwards. "Really?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't question your promise, but you're questioning mine?"

She shrugged. "It's easier to promise to do something than to stop doing something. I just don't want you stressing over something like that."

"I promise to do my best to stop stressing," he repeated, emphasizing a few choice words.

She was still staring at him through narrowed eyes, so he kissed her again. And then again. And again. When he finally pulled back, both were breathless.

He brushed his thumb across her swollen lips before combing back her long, silky hair. "Derek..." She moaned his name, leaning in again.

Derek's lips found her neck, and he expertly manoeuvred them so that she way lying across the couch under him. "I need you," he breathed into the soft, skin of the crook of her neck.

Her fingers found his hair, where she could direct his movements.

Her skin tasted vaguely of the lavender body wash he had bought her the month before and he moaned her name as he felt himself begin to respond. Eventually his lips ran out of bare skin and he pulled away long enough to pull her Dartmouth tee over her head. He lowered himself back down over her, but she stopped him, her lithe fingers pulling at the hem of his shirt.

"You too," she murmured.

He laughed at her insistence and quickly helped her in removing his own shirt.

She pulled him back down and merged their lips once more, the sensation of skin against skin sending chills trough his body.

When he finally came up for air again, he couldn't help but smile down at her, so perfect and trusting and his. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she said, still panting.

"You're beautiful," he murmured, running his hand down her torso, and over the small pink scar from the week before.

She breathed under him, her hand finding the back of his head and pulling him down to her again. "I'm all yours," she whispered when their lips were millimetres apart.

"Me too," he responded huskily. "All yours. Forever."

"Forever," she breathed into his mouth as their lips finally met again.

000

"You okay?" Derek mumbled into her hair as they lay together on the couch, only the thin throw covering them. It had been the first time they had had sex since her surgery the week before, and although he had been careful, he needed to make sure she wasn't in pain.

"Mmm, perfect," she murmured.

He smiled. "You are perfect. I was asking if you were okay?"

She giggled and turned to face him. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

He pretended to think, realizing her abdomen was fine and that she was baiting him now. "That's a good question," he finally responded. "There's no reason you wouldn't be fine after that. I am very good, you know..."

"And very cocky about it," she retorted.

He smirked. "Not right now, but I can be again soon..."

"Derek!" She swiped at his chest. "You're so bad."

He did his best to look offended. "I thought we were just saying how good I am?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No, you were saying how good you were."

"Hmm," he mumbled as he pressed his lips lazily against hers. "I don't seem to remember any complaints on your part..."

"Mmm," she agreed. "No complaints here."

"Thank-you," he whispered, and he didn't have to explain for her to know exactly what he was talking about.

She smiled tenderly at him. "I'm here too, Derek," she whispered. "You've been amazing being here for me so much, and making me talk...letting me learn how to talk. I've never had this before, and it was scary, but now it's...it's only scary sometimes, like when I realize it's not scary anymore, which sounds stupid, but makes sense in my head. Anyway, you've been here for me for so much, but I'm here for you too, Derek. It's not just a one way street or whatever. I love you. And I'm going to expect you to talk more from now on, okay?"

"You're cute when you're bossy." Even though he knew it would have consequences, he couldn't help saying it. Because she really did look cute, adorable even, the way her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed as she made her demands.

She swiped a hand across his chest. "I'm being serious."

He forced back a laugh. "That's fine. You're allowed to look cute while you're being serious. I happen to think you're always cute," he mumbled as he pressed his lips against her forehead.

She grumbled something incoherent under her breath at him.

Derek couldn't help but laugh, long and hard, feeling the tension of the past day and week drift away. "I love you so much, Meredith," he finally managed to say. "I love you and when I'm with you everything else seems so much better."

"Good. Me too."

He smiled widely before pecking her on the lips. "I'll do the talking thing too," he told her. "I know I'm not good at it, when it's me that needs to talk, but I..." He trailed off, unable to explain his misgivings about it.

"I'll still love you," she said wryly. "You're allowed to not be perfect, Derek. In fact, if we're going to do the whole forever thing, I'm going to have to insist that you're not always perfect, because I have issues and I can't be the only pathetic one in this relationship; it's not good for the ego."

"You're not pathetic."

"Neither are you. And I won't think you are if you need me sometimes."

Part of his wanted nothing more than to shake off the conversation and make a joke and promise himself to never show his weakness in front of her again. But the look in her eyes tugged at his heart and he couldn't help nodding at her. "Okay," he agreed quietly, his voice uncharacteristically vulnerable. After spending so much of his life trying to be the strong one, the unflappable one, he was surprised to feel relief at not having to be the picture of strength and fine-ness. And one look in her eyes told him that it was okay, and that maybe he wasn't the only one who had grown up with the incessant need to not ever be vulnerable.

She brushed her fingers through his hair and smiled at him. "It's a little scary, isn't it?"

He nodded, his throat suddenly dry.

"It gets easier," she reassured. "You made it easier. And I'm going to do the same thing, okay?"

"Okay."

Her smile changed, and he knew she could recognize the uncertainty in his voice. He may be the one who had done the long term relationship thing before, but he had never done this. He had never allowed himself to be truly vulnerable before, at least not with another person. There was a forest near his mother's, and in the months and years following his father's death, when the family had struggled with the loss, finances and sticking together, Derek would take a break from being the perfect rock of a brother and son, and he would hike deep into the trees until he was too far from anyone to be heard. And he would yell. He would yell and scream and cry and take out all of his emotion on nature. And then he would gather himself together and trudge back home, where he would smile and help out around the house and be there for his mom and his sisters. Because they had needed him.

He had always believed being unflappable made him strong, but now he wondered if it had made him weak. It had kept him away from people. It had made him too independent.

"Does it get easier?" He finally asked.

She nodded. "It does. I'm always here to listen, Derek. You don't have to be everything for yourself and everyone else anymore."

Tension swarmed his thoughts, and he resisted the urge to bite down on his lower lip- just one of the many habits he had picked up from her. "But I like being there for you. It makes me feel..."

She nodded. "I get it. And I'm not saying you can't be there for me, Derek. In fact, I love that I have someone...someone who wants to be there for me. But I want to be there for you, too. No, I need to be there for you too. And of you don't let me then you're...not allowing me to experience one of the fundamental human relationship supportiveness...things, or whatever."

His lips curled into a smile as he as reminded of just how lucky he was that he had found this woman. "So, you're guilt tripping me into this 'fundamental human relationship supportiveness things?'"

She nodded. "Exactly."

A chuckled escaped his lips. And then another. And then he was pulling her close as he laughed, and all the tension ebbed away. "Oh," he finally managed to speak. "I love you, Mer. I...I just love you, so much. Don't ever change."

She settled herself close against him, her nose buried in the crook of his neck. "I don't plan on it."

He smiled, revelling in the calmness of knowing he would spend the rest of his life with the woman in his arms. He would make it work. They would make it work. Together. He wouldn't keep himself distant from her. He wouldn't become absent. He would learn to be open with her, to tell her things. Derek smiled and nuzzled her cheek as he ran his hands down her still-naked body. "As long as you're you, I think I can handle this," he murmured.

She shifted and pulled away to meet his gaze. Her eyes were sparkling like a million stars on a dark night; his own personal light in the dark. "Good. Now I won't have to call you pathetic anymore."

He rolled his eyes at her mocking. "You were high."

"And yet I was surprisingly insightful."

He resisted the urge to kiss her again, but instead pressed his lips against hers. They had the rest of their lives to continue that particular debate...even though he was pretty sure he would lose in the long run. But he loved her enough that he was okay with being pathetic sometimes. Because she still loved him. Her eyes still sparkled when she looked at him. Her lips still curled into a smile when he made her laugh. She still leaned into his touch and gazed at him with all the trust and love and wonder he could ever hope for. After months of telling her she was perfect to him he realized that just maybe he was perfect to her too.

AN: Blame the delay on the unknown waters that is Derek Shepherd's mind. After spending so much time in Meredith's Derek needed some focus before things shifted to the next section of season three stuff, leading to the drowning arc...

Happy Turkey Day to my fellow Canadians!