Self Doubt

I feel something cold on my forehead. I open my eyes, the haze in my mind starting to fade. I'm still on the couch, with what I think is a cold pack on my head. I can actually focus now, the dizziness fading away slowly. I also don't feel as hot anymore, though I'm still warmer than usual.

I hear whispering. Turning my head in the direction of the noise, I see Cam and Lawrence talking in the doorway of the living room. They look pretty serious. Though I can't hear what they're saying, I know it's nothing good. Lawrence glances over and sees that I'm awake. He hits Cam on the arm and points in my direction. Cam turns around and rushes to my side. I can feel how worried he is, as well as see it on his face, in his eyes.

"I'm sorry" I whisper, unable to talk properly. My throat still burns, having been overworked when I was trying to breathe earlier.

Cam shakes his head. "No, don't be sorry." He kneels on the ground beside me and takes my hand. He gently kisses my knuckles. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have left you for so long this soon."

Oh, poor Cam. My heart aches for him. I can't help but think how unlucky he is, stuck with a mate like me. Useless and incompetent, unable to even be alone for a few hours. The thought brings tears to my eyes. I'm frustrated with myself.

Cam runs his hand over my check, gently brushing away a tear that slipped out. Damnit, I must look so weak. I turn my head away, ashamed of myself. I hear Cam sigh.

"Do you want to lay down in the bedroom," he asks.

I nod my head. I really want to be alone right now, to be honest. Cam pick me up, treating me as if I was made of glass and would break at any moment. Unable to help myself, I rest my head against his chest. I will admit, being close to him is making me feel better physically. The heat from earlier is completely gone now, and other than a little weakness in my legs and aching lungs, I feel fine. But having to have him carry me like this all the time hurts my pride.

When we reach the bedroom, Cam sets me on the bed then takes my running shoes off for me. He looks like he wants to stay by my side, but he must be able to tell that I want to be alone, because he says "I'll give you some time. I'll be right outside, so yell if you need anything." He leans down and kisses me on the forehead.

When he leaves the room, I turn on my side and let my tears flow. All I can think about is how I wish things were normal. Cam and I could have a normal relationship, because I'd be a normal vampire. But no, some jackass decided not to finish what he started and left me weak and feeble. I swear, if I ever see him, I'm going to kill him.

After several hours, Cam enters the room again. I don't turn to look at him. I can't bear him seeing me like this. He sits behind me, on the edge of the bed. Placing a hand on my hip, he rubs it in a calming gesture.

"I know you're not feeling any better..." he starts. "But is there anything I can do to help? I hate seeing you like this."

I flinch at his last sentence. Yeah Cam, I hate being like this myself. "Can you punch the bastard who made me in the face as hard as you can for me? I'd love to be the one to do it, but I'm too weak."

Cam chuckles. "I'm working on it, I promise. I was going to wait until I had something more solid to tell you, but I will say that we have a lead we're working on."

A lead, huh? That actually does make me feel a bit better. "What happens when you find him?"

Cam's voice goes serious. "He gets put on trial. With a long history of behavior like this, he'll most likely get the death penalty."

Wow, that was more excessive than I thought it was going to be. But in the back of my head, I couldn't help but think he deserved it. I mean, he ruined my life. It was only right, wasnt it? And Cam said that this wasn't his first offense. The guy must be a scum bag. Still, the human part of me still thought it was too much.

Cam puts pressure on my hip, forcibly turning me over. "I promise to you, my love, this man will pay for what he's done to you. I swear on my life."

With his words, I feel the anxiety in my chest fade. Did our bond give him power over my emotions? His presence is like a balm on my heart. I want to ignore him, but I just can't. I need him.

Sitting up, I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his neck. He's so warm. I don't want to let go, and he won't make me. He wraps his arms around my waist and holds me tightly. We stay like that for a while.

Cameron let's me fall asleep in his arms. His tight grip and warm touch lull me into a deep, necessary sleep. When I wake up, he's still next to me. With a sigh, I sit up. I'm feeling pretty loose after sleeping next to Cam. It's so weird how our bond works.

I need a bath. I think I have just a few things to work through. Getting up, I walk to the bathroom. Starting the water, I put my favorite stuff in it, making the water rich and soothing. I even top it off with a bit of bubble bath. That's right, I'm going fancy with it.

Sinking into the warm water, I close my eyes and relax. So many things to sort through. I wish I could talk to Cam about this stuff, but I just can't bring myself to. What if I disappoint him and he regrets being with me? No, I can't let that happen. I have to work out my issues on my own. I've got to be strong in at least this way. Cam said that they had a lead on my creator. What does that mean for me? Will I have to see him? Will I have to testify at his trial? Honestly, If I lay eyes on him, I'll probably hit him. He messed up so much for me. The only good thing to come from any of this was that I met Cam.

Speaking of Cam, I hate that I rely on him so much. There has to be a way for me to be okay without him for any length of time. I need to find out more about this bonding thing. But where can I get that info? Vampires are pretty hush hush, so they don't let anyone in on their secrets unless they turn. There's no books on it as far as I'm aware. It's all oral, passed down from master to fledgling, generation after generation. If I ask Cam, would he tell me? Probably not. The only person who I can think of who will tell me the truth without holding back is the cactus, Lawrence.

He has to give me a check up soon, maybe I can ask him about it. I don't think he'd lie to me. That's it then. In order to get stronger, I need to talk to Lawrence.

I sink further into the tub, bubbles surrounding my head like a halo. Maybe this will all work out. I want Cam to be able to have faith in me. I want to hold my own. The question is how quickly can I get to that point?