Finding Forever

“Why do you keep canceling your appointments?” Dr. Ronald Carew asked from his plush leather-backed chair. The shrink, a man in his early forties, Leo Winthrop guessed, wore his usual attire of an elegant navy suit, this one accompanied by a powder blue dress shirt and navy tie.

Leo, himself, was seated in a comfortable chair pointed toward a window overlooking the scenic ocean in Sutter’s Bay. He did not wear a suit but rather black jeans and a black T-shirt. Bouncing his right leg, Leo shrugged.

“What sort of answer is that?” Dr. Carew persisted.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“Yes, but prior today you had canceled four appointments.”

He shrugged again and switched to bouncing his left leg. Though he could have looked out the window if he wanted, Leo kept his head down, his hair hanging in his eyes. He just wanted this session to be over. Hadn’t wanted to be there at all.

“Why did you come today, Leo?”

“For Galaxy,” he muttered.

“If you aren’t here because you want to be, how much help do you think I can be?”

“None. But I don’t think you are anyway.”

Dr. Carew sighed. “Would you rather be referred to another psychiatrist? One you are more comfortable with?”

He snorted. “I’m not comfortable with any. You’re no better or worse than the others.”

“How many have there been, Leo?”

“You’re the fifth one. You’ve lasted the longest.”

“Did you open up to any of them?”

Leo shrugged.

“Leo, look at me.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to say, screw you, but he didn’t. Instead he raised his head in the doctor’s direction, but didn’t move the hair out of his eyes.

“What happened to you was not your fault,” Dr. Carew said softly

He was flying, soaring through the skies with the other geese, looking down on the people below, who were no bigger than tiny ants from where he and his friends were. He could see for miles, the waves on the water, the mountains in the distance, the green hills.

“Leo!”

“What?”

“You’re not listening to a word I’ve said,” Dr. Carew said, sounding aggravated.

“Are we done here?”

“You have to talk to someone about this, Leo. Even if it’s not me, there has to be someone.”

He shook his head. “No, there doesn’t have to be anyone.”

“We still have fifteen minutes left in the session. Forgetting the other for a moment, you aren’t experiencing any severe depression, suicidal thoughts?”

“I might kill myself if I have to come back here again.”

Dr. Carew frowned. “That’s not funny, Leo.”

Leo nodded. “Okay, I agree. Sorry. I’m not thinking of killing myself and I’m not depressed. I don’t need any meds.”

“I’ve been thinking of prescribing an anti-anxiety drug for you.”

His jaw tightening, Leo glared from under his bangs. “Well think again. I had enough drugs given to me when I was hospitalized and I’m not taking them again.”

“You don’t want to end up back in a hospital, do you?”

“Are you threatening me?’

The shrink sighed. “You know very well I am not. I’m merely pointing out possible consequences of you refusing reasonable treatment options.”

“It’s not reasonable to me, and, anyway, I’m not anxious.”

“Fine, Leo. For now. I want to see you in here again in two weeks.”

Leo rose. “We’ll see.”

“Tell you what, you agree to keep seeing me and I’ll drop the talk of drugs for now.”

He almost pointed out, any of it, all of it, was his choice. He couldn’t be committed without his own permission unless he was a danger to himself or others and he didn’t think Galaxy would do that to him.

But instead of arguing, Leo said, “All right. Two weeks.”

He burst through the office doors and to the outside like his ass was on fire. Leo paused to inhale the cool sea air. He brushed the hair off his face and let the breeze caress him. Instantly the heaviness, the feeling of doom, disappeared.

Leo loved Sutter’s Bay. As far as he was concerned Galaxy’s decision to move them to the seaside town had been downright brilliant. He hadn’t bothered taking his car today; the shrink’s office wasn’t too far from home, and since there was no rain in the forecast, Leo had simply brought his skateboard, a throwback to his high school days.

Now he sailed down the street’s slight hill, but not toward home. Leo’s intended destination was Stone Beach, the quietest, most isolated beach in Sutter’s Bay. He’d been there dozens of times.

Hair flying behind him, Leo felt freer than he had since he’d awakened that morning. What did he need shrinks for? Or anyone really? He was far better off alone. He made the turn when he got to the street that would take him past the florist shop, St. Jude’s, and Galaxy’s boyfriend’s restaurant.