Chapter 32

35: Coffee Talk

Christmas and New Year’s crawl by. I spend both alone, catching up on my reading, building puzzles on the coffee table, and watching a few movies. The New Year brings more lonesomeness, quiet time, and irritation. I don’t want to be left alone. I don’t like the constant self-entertaining. Bottom line, I had something good with Jory…something unbelievably amazing…something that felt right…and I unfortunately blew it. I had friends in Ben and Zoe, and blew that, too. What the fuck was I thinking? Why was I greedy and deceptive and irresponsible and selfish and out of control? Couldn’t I just be an ordinary boyfriend to Jory and not fuck things up?

My shame is crushing. By mid-January, when Vanmer’s weather is at its coldest, in the single digits, I become a hermit, lost in the apartment. The only time I leave is to go to the center, spend eight to ten hours working, and return home. I receive no visitors, no e-mails or phone calls from the trio.