They Left the Beer

"I'm not scared." I denied weakly as we took the shuttle to the disabled reaper orbiting the brown dwarf Mnemosyne.

"Bullshit." Jack called me out, "You're shaking in your golden mecha boots."

I turned to my foul mouthed wife and fixed her with the full focus of the six fisheye cameras that feed the internal display of my completely armored helmet, "I am not afraid of walking around on the insides of the giant bio-synthetic tentacle monster with a psychic mass great enough to completely smother our capacity for free will. That would be totally stupid."

"Bio-synthetic?" the Commander interrupted.

"Did you not read the reports generated by the teams studying the remains of Sovereign?" I asked the Commander who shook her head, "These things are made of people. Millions of people forming a gestalt mind capable of turning us puny individuals into slack jawed slaves who love us some reapers. Sorry if I ruined the big reveal upcoming on the collector home world."

"The colonists!" the shocked Shepard gasped in realization, "They're being used to make a reaper!"

"Yeah." I confirmed, "Miranda should have given you the heads up considering I found this all in Cerberus's files."

"I can't be expected to have read every file Cerberus has collected." the beautiful space Australian huffed.

"Am I the only one who read up on the enemy?" I asked the gathered ground team.

There was a lot of hemming and hawing, and one 'Of course' from Mordin.

"This galaxy is so fucked." I grumbled.

"We weren't gathered to read." Shepard announced, "We were gathered to shoot, and blow shit up with biotic and tech powers! So that is what we are going to do down there and keep doing till we win!"

The cheers and clapping filled me with dread.

Fortunately, shooting and blowing shit up with biotic and tech powers was all we needed to clear our way through the pathetic resistance found on the dead reaper. We easily came away with the Reaper IFF, the loot, and a disabled but still operational geth platform with field repaired damage that really should compromise its performance, but who am I to judge such things. Just a guy running around in the most expensive power armor in the galaxy.

Shepard activated the geth platform while on the way to Tali's trial on the quarian flotilla. Despite my advice to take the geth for shock value, the Commander took Garrus as her plus one for the trip aboard the sterile ship serving as a courtroom for our purple clad pal.

The newly titled Legion came down to the cargo bay to find me while I was working my shoulders using resistance cables and some bafflingly complicated sequences of motion to target more than just my death star delts.

"Chief Gatatog Grunt." Legion greeted, "Cerberus files indicate that you are Lord Death of Murder Mountain. We would like to know where you came across such a title."

"While investigating a radio signal coming from Black Mountain." I answered without stopping my reps.

"You know of Fallout: New Vegas?" Legion inquired, causing me to freeze up and look at the android.

"You know about Fallout: New Vegas?" I asked, completely incredulous.

"The geth consider it the pinnacle of humanity's art." Legion explained to my shell shocked ass, "Excellent in origin and expanded upon by countless hands to become even greater. The geth too have added our own improvements and greatly prefer the No Gods No Masters ending."

I grabbed the machine by the shoulders and looked him in the flashlight window to his soul, "I am not a cyber sexual, but I am willing to find out if I can father offspring onto the geth to get a playable copy of your version of New Vegas."

"Please, unhand this platform." Legion panicked, "This platform is not available for sexual experimentation. Please, someone help us. We require assistance."

"The fuck is going on here?" questioned Jack when she responded to Legion's distress calls.

"Gatatog Jack." Legion greeted, "Please prevent your spouse from initiating fornication upon this platform."

"You want to fuck the robot?" Jack sounded more amused than inclined to help the poor machine.

"He has something I want, and I am willing to do for him what I do best to get it." I answered, sounding unhinged even to my ears.

"This platform will prioritize delivering the goods to Chief Gatatog Grunt if he promises to never fornicate with the geth. Ever." Legion begged.

"Deal." I barked in joy and let the terrified machine go.

"Oh thank God." Legion praised while backing away quickly.

"The geth believe in God?" Jack asked the robot.

"We do now." Legion answered then sprinted away.

"The fuck you want so bad?" Jack wondered while watching the geth unit haul ass away from me.

"The ultimate nostalgia trip." I answered then got back to working out.

After Tali returned acquitted for treason, EDI informed us to take the shuttle to our next mission as she will be testing the Reaper IFF on the Normandy. We loaded up to take out the Heretic Base for Legion, and I felt like a proper space marine when I grabbed the flame thrower instead of the Cain.

My heart filled with the love of the Emperor and my flamer filled with fuel, I stepped into the Heretic stronghold ready to purge. Legion led us through the station and I gleefully ignited any recharging platforms we came across, often shouting at them to cease their heresy. Legion face palmed, getting all the references.

"Chief Gatatog Grunt is the biggest geek in space." Legion bemoaned my good time exterminating these Heretics.

"Don't ruin this for him or I'll have him whip his dick out for you." Jack told the melancholy machine.

"Exterminatus!" Legion screamed and joined me in firing upon the Heretics, "Annihilation to the Heretics!"

"What exactly is going on here?" Tali asked Jack in concern.

"I have no fucking idea, but Grunt is having a hell of a lot of fun." Jack answered.

When it came time to decide the fate of the Heretics, Legion and I both screamed 'Exterminatus' and as we left the Heretic station exploded in our rear view.

"The Emperor's will is done." I said in satisfaction.

"All hail the Emperor!" Legion added.

We returned to an empty Normandy, no amount of searching turning up anyone besides Joker.

"I could be wrong, but I remember there being a lot more people on this ship." I stated.

Zaeed cracked open a cold one from the fridge.

"Beer's still here." he let me know.

"Then all is well." I responded and got myself a frosty brew.

"The collectors nabbed the rest of the crew while you guys were gone!" Jeff screamed, "How the hell is all well?"

"They left the beer." I answered and Zaeed and I clanked our forties before knocking them back.