Should I tell him? (1)

"Back then, I don't know how to say it to you," Jinxing sighed, "Right after that white day, all seniors suddenly became very busy due to incoming Gaokao."

"Maybe Xiao-Ge didn't remember it, but I often came to the library to peek on you," Jinxing admitted. His cheeks reddened slightly, "Do you remember when you are busy studying in the library every day, you often get homemade snacks and lunch?"

***

Young Jinxing was hiding behind a book rack, watching his male god, Feng Xiaojun, busy studying many subjects with a thin smile on his face. Jinxing couldn't help but feel awe towards his male god. 

'He is studying so much but didn't seem to get tired nor stressed out. If I remember correctly, Senior Feng always topped the rank in the whole school, right? I bet that is because he studies so hard every day!'

Jinxing stared at the lunchbox in his hand. He cooked the lunch for Senior Feng today as well. In fact, he cooked for Senior Feng at least thrice a week. But he never wrote his name, nor he wanted to show his love for Senior Feng publicly.

Because he knew that Senior Feng was really popular. If he got entangled with a boy, that would be trouble for Senior Feng. Jinxing only wanted to show his love and admiration towards Senior Feng, not to destroy his future.

Thus, when Senior Feng closed his book and went to the bathroom, Jinxing always put the lunchbox beside Senior Feng's book and left hurriedly. Usually, Senior Feng would eat everything and left the lunch box in the same position, and he would write a note for Jinxing.

'Thank you. May I know your name?'

Jinxing felt that his heart was about to explode whenever he got the note from Senior Feng. Senior Feng was really busy with much important stuff, and Gaokao, of course. Jinxing didn't want to disturb him.

Besides, knowing so many women flocked around Senior Feng, he doubted that Senior Feng would ever see him romantically. Since Senior Feng seemed to be straight as a pole.

***

"Xiao-Ge, I know that you studied hard every day, so I don't want to disturb you. I saw you reading many books, even books mostly for our teachers, you read everything. I have nothing but admiration for you," Jinxing said gleefully.

Jinxing stared at his Xiao-Ge with his hot gaze, full of love and admiration.

Meanwhile, Xiaojun was screaming in his heart. He recalled his days in high school when he was acting like a cold and indifferent male god because he was trying hard not to squeal at every strong student in the sports club, or the cute nerd in chess and math club, or the handsome underclassman that happened to be a school idol, just like him.

'Well, I did become number one school idol though…' Xiaojun recalled his restrained life in high school and his Gaokao experience.

To be frank, Xiaojun aced in study effortlessly since elementary school and ranked second in the national Gaokao. He could get the first place, but he got tired because he binged reading one BL fanfiction the night before Gaokao started. Hence, he got sleepy and didn't try at all for the last few questions. 

'I think I remembered Jinxing back then. But he is completely different appearance-wise…' 

Xiaojun remembered his days spending every break in the library. He intentionally took as many books from the library as possible, then slipped the BL manga in the middle, then continued binging on BL books without worry.

Yes, Xiaojun never actually study even during Gaokao.

Xiaojun felt so wrong being worshipped by Jinxing, though he didn't know that person back then was Jinxing. Jinxing back then was a scrawny, short boy. He wore thick prescription glasses and always looked down for an unknown reason. It made him quite bland and forgettable. 

'Should I tell him that I never studied in my life? Eh… I feel like being praised for something I don't do feels wrong… yet so right, ehehehe.'

Jinxing pushed the beef stew towards Xiaojun again and said, "Please dig in. You might remember me after eating it!"

"Okay…"

Xiaojun used a chopstick to take a piece of meat and eat it. He closed his eyes and immediately remembered this same taste that he had ten years ago. It was tender and juicy. He looked at Jinxing with stars in his eyes, "Ah, you really are that guy in High school! I love your cooking so much!"

Jinxing's cheek reddened, and he lowered his gaze in embarrassment, "Uhm… I'm glad that Xiao-Ge loves it!"

Xiaojun devoured everything. It had been a while since he ate something homecooked. 

Since he lived in an apartment alone, he decided to just order food from the nearest restaurant daily to save time. 

Xiaojun smiled full of satisfaction when he ate Jinxing's beef stew. And when he finished the plate, he held Jinxing's hand eagerly, "Please cook for me again in the future!"

Jinxing's face was as red as a tomato. He nodded shyly. Like a little girl in love, Jinxing took a deep breath and confessed;

"Um… Xiao-Ge."

"Yes, Xiang?" Xiaojun smiled. 

"Well, I know this might be sudden, and you may feel disgusted. But it's been in my heart for ten years already…"

"I've been in love with you since high school, and that feeling never disappears. In fact, it grows stronger every year passed. Xiao-Ge, I know that you are a straight man. You won't love a man."

"But I want to say… I love you, Xiao-Ge."

"It's okay if you don't love me back because you are straight. But let me stay around you, alright?"

'Maybe… someday you can open your heart for me, Xiao-Ge. I will try my best to make you realize how good I am!' Jinxing thought optimistically.

"…"

'Should I tell him?' Xiaojun considered.