Chapter 21

"Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity. Scared of my own ceiling, scared I'll die of uncertainty. Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety. Don't know what's inside of me."

---

When someone calls you out on something, as if they know you better than you think you know yourself, there is a strong urge to deny the claim, to refuse and show that you know just what you are doing, what you are feeling.

But when you are called out on something you know is true, how do you react?

Kim gapes at me, John's stare doesn't leave me and I do not reply, because while I cannot refute it, I find myself unable to admit it, for admitting that I'm fighting the bond only makes me realise how hard I am losing.

"Is there a reason? Did our son do something?" Kim trails off, her voice uncertain, as if she cannot believe it, cannot believe that I am unwilling to love Kyle.

I would explain that I simply cannot love, but I don't think they will understand, so I shake my head.

"There's nothing wrong with him, ma'am."

He's perfect.

He's perfect in his own way, in the way he doesn't strive to be perfect, the way he is content with who he is in a world so obsessed with the idea of perfection.

He's too perfect for someone like me.

"What's holding you back?"

John scares me, the same way an unwelcome visitor scares an unsuspecting host. His expression remains unreadable, his gaze sharp, and I cannot help the feeling that he sees something within me, something I am trying to hide from the world, from myself.

What is holding me back? Is it the fear of loving, of being hurt, or is it that I simply do not wish to be loved?

I have long forgotten the warmth of love, the high of loving someone, the comfort of knowing that I am loved, but I have not forgotten the hurt that followed, that always followed.

John nods, as if he has found his answer somewhere in my gaze.

"Fear is what you make of it, Nicholas. You will find that the more you give in to it, the stronger it gets."

Aiden comes back down to the kitchen and the topic is changed before I can tell him my name is Nick.

---

Lunch is ready, and I am in Kyle's room, the three of us having our meal in seclusion from the crowded dining table filled with pack members. I know the crowd doesn't bother them, but I am not yet ready to meet the pack and their questioning glances.

"This is so not fair," Aiden whines from his seat in-between me and Kyle and we both look to him with a raised brow, mentally prepared for his rant, "how are you Wilsons so good at cooking? And I can't even marry any of you because Kim and John are married and I'm not gay so I can't have Kyle and I already have a mate- I wonder if Sylvia is any good at cooking?"

I roll my eyes, turning back to my own plate of food. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother listening to his rambling, when it is evident he doesn't know what he's talking about half the time. Aiden's train of thought changes tracks so rapidly it's hard to keep up, so I don't bother trying.

Kyle is clearly exasperated too, and I look away as soon as he catches my gaze. It is as if he is constantly pulling my attention towards him, and I fear I am becoming obsessed.

"You will find that the more you give in to it, the stronger it gets."

What if I don't want to fight it, what if I don't ever want to fight it? I've been numb for so long I do not wish to feel again, because happiness doesn't last and I am sick of being hurt.

Chris always told me it was worth it - to love and to be loved even if it doesn't last, because the best things don't last forever, but they are small infinities worth living in, risks worth taking, and I saw that.

I saw the way he lived in the moment in the short infinity he shared with Tyler, the way he lived as if nothing in the world could ever bring him down, but I also saw the crack in his heart the day they were separated, a crack that would never mend, that could only be hidden and the scar covered as he looked for someone else to fill the hole left in his chest.

I saw love for the vicious cycle that it is. It is a drug, an addiction, and nobody can ever get enough of it no matter how great the consequences.

I am familiar with the craving, maybe not for love, but for the relief of a blade, or the relief from the hellhole I am forced to call my life. The craving never stops, no matter how long you have refused the urge, no matter how much you wish for it to go away.

It is always there, like a nagging voice in the back of your mind, a reminder of the relief you are denying yourself.

'Sober' is just another word for 'thirsty'.

I chance a glance at Kyle, and he is still staring at me so intently I feel myself drowning in his gaze, yet it is not the kind of drowning that sips away at your life, leaves you breathless and unable to scream. It is the kind of drowning that makes you not want to scream, the kind of drowning you let yourself fall into, because letting go is so much easier than trying to stay afloat.

Aiden breaks the moment as he notices the unnerving tension, and takes our empty plates down to the kitchen. We are left alone in the room and I force myself to look at anything but Kyle.

Love doesn't exist, but infatuation does, and somehow I know that my infatuation for Kyle will not fade for a very long time. I just cannot say the same for Kyle's, no matter how trapped he may be in the mating bond.

At this point, I no longer know if I am afraid I will hurt him, or if I am afraid he will hurt me.