the Advice of A Pastor 13 Years Ago

This morning, Donghwa was ready to work. He was neat with the suit he was wearing. The black shirt combined with the dark red suit was compatible with him well.

While I was busy in the kitchen. As I saw him walking out of the bedroom, I greeted him with a smile, "Good morning, I just made toast, don't you want to have breakfast first?"

Finishing my words, I put two plates on the table, with some toasts and chocolate jam, hoping that he would have breakfast with me this morning.

Donghwa smiled and stepped towards me.

When he wanted to say something, his cell phone rang. He then took out his cell phone from his pocket and saw the incoming call for a second, but he didn't answer. He said to me, "Um, I can't have breakfast with you this morning. I have to go right away."

Hearing that, I could only remain quiet without words, faking a smile to mask the pain of the refusal he gave.

I truly wished that we could have breakfast together. Due to his busy schedules lately, he rarely spent the time with me, made me feel gloomy. 

Donghwa would usually leave early, even before I woke up in the morning. So, after our sexual activity last night, I felt a little tired but I tried to get up early, so we could have breakfast together as I thought that he was also in a good mood today. But, he just made me down with the answer.

He walked toward the door, followed by me behind him. He seemed so rushed and his cell phone kept ringing in his pocket. I could hear it, but I chose not to say anything and ignored it.

When he was at the door, he stopped for a moment before he opened it. Then, he turned towards me and then held my face gently. He looked at me while saying, "Take care of yourself. I'll be right back when the project is over."

"..."

"Um, maybe about two weeks ... I'll call you when I arrive."

I didn't respond to him after I heard him saying the words, yet something had distracted me. Seeing that something was wrong with his finger, I tried to stop myself from asking, but still, I couldn't help it.

"Donghwa, did you forget to put on your ring?" When I asked, I tried to say my words as softly as possible as I was afraid that he would get angry when I asked about ... what I should be asking as his lover.

Fortunately, he was in a good mood today, so he replied in a casual tone, "Um, yeah, I forgot to put it on." As he said his words, he fumbled in his pocket, but with a confused look, he continued, "Looks like I forgot to take it on my desk. Don't worry, I won't lose it. I remember putting it in a drawer when I went to the toilet yesterday."

I knew that it was a lie. But, hearing that answer, I tried to accept it and smiled.

Amid the stillness, Donghwa changed the subject all of suddent, "Chunghee, you're bony. Don't get sick while I'm not at home. Look after yourself, babe. If you need anything, call me, or you can call Hoonsik."

Finishing his speech, I was about to say something. My lips opened slightly and the words were already on the tip of my tongue. Yet somehow the phrases swallowed up with no reason, thus I ended up to fake my smile.

After saying that, he kissed my forehead. That simple treatment made me melt as if I forgot how he was out there—wild and forgetful.

Only this time, I heard something that sounded worrying me out of his lips since the last few months. I thought that he had changed already because something fun out there, yet hearing his words just now, I forced myself to think, that nothing had changed; it's just me who had a bad thought of him.

I watched at him walk away until he entered the elevator. Then I closed the door when he was out of my sight.

I sat at the dining table while eating the toast that was getting cold in front of me. In loneliness, I thought about something that was spinning in my head.

Honestly, I truly wanted to tell Donghwa that I had been having a lot of headaches lately. I wanted him to accompany me to have checkup in the hospital, but it didn't seem like it would happen; seeing how busy he was with his works, or even with some of his toys out there.

He said that he was working on a new project, so he often left the apartment and came home late. And even worse, he could hang out there for months without a word for me on pretext of work. I didn't know what kind of project it was, as he had never told me and I had never asked him as well.

However, because of the busyness he said, I felt forgotten. I realized that he had ignored me for quite a while, since these nearly three years, or it was long before these three years.

It made me feel like our relationship was growing apart. It didn't mean that I didn't like his busy life, but it was better to spend as much time as before as we used to do.

Awakening from this thought, I tried to not think about it too far. I got up from the chair, and began to clean this room, and then tidied up our bedroom.

In the bedroom, I saw the bed in silent. And I couldn't help but smile as I thought about Donghwa who was overly excited during our 'nighttime activity' last night. Yet I felt sad at the same time when I thought that Donghwa came to me only for that reason.

I realized that I was into a guy for long ago. It was over nineteen years ago since I turned thirteen years old.

At that time, I believed that I had a crush on my playmate, Kim Daehyun—my childhood friend. I did an embarrassing thing as only I missed him a lot and wanted to see him again.

Our last meeting had been so long. Since I was six years old. Even though Daehyun was two years older than me, he was the best friend I had ever known. For two years we were together, and on my eighth birthday, his family and he left Sokcho and I never saw him again until now.

However, even though it had been a long time, I could still remember the image of his face even though it was faintly in my head.

Since I realized that I was gay, I started to get scared of this feelings. I was afraid that people would avoid me. So from then on, I tried to forget Daehyun and not lost in my feelings.

I once came to a church when I was seventeen, and told this thing to a pastor. The pastor advised me that every human was created in pairs, man and woman. And what I had was a mistake.

The words of the pastor always kept ringing in my head and made my fear grew extreme, so I decided to change myself. However, it didn't take long until I met someone, namely Donghwa.

Donghwa was the first man who made me dare to take the risk. I didn't know what made me fall in love with someone like him, who made me forget about the advice of a pastor 13 years ago. Handsome? I admitted it, but it wasn't a reason why I loved him.

This relationship was taboo and I knew it quite clearly. I could only wait for God's decision.

Would God bless it or even wrath? Somehow God would end it.