My Sins

The old bearded clergy did not utter a word, instead he handed over a crosier to a fellow clergy letting him organise the ceremony, then stepped down the side stairs into the narthex.

A while later, a nun approached Antonius asking him to meet the Ecumenical Patriarch in the quiet chamber for a chat.

It is then that Antonius realised that the ashen goat bearded old man that used to treat Giovanni's injuries back then has became the next Ecumenical Patriarch after the previous one Athanasius II's demise.

That indeed turned out to be a surprise to Antonius because in his memories that old man is no way like an ordinary man serving the churches, more like a radical physician and philosopher who devotes his time on further practical studies instead of pursuing a theological career like climbing up the ladders becoming the next Ecumenical Patriarch.

Antonius is led into the quiet chamber, where the old bearded man, or the new Ecumenical Patriarch, or Gennadius II Scholarius.

It turned even more surprising when Antonius learnt that this new Ecumenical Patriarch before him is only of a mere fifty three years old whereas Antonius thought that he should be a lot older judging by his looks.

Apparently, the Ecumenical Patriarch is pretty annoyed by Antonius' nonsensical and disrespectful act of interrupting a scared sermon, he sat down on that couch, and asked Antonius with that same old gloomy face. "So, Lord De'Ricci, the only reason I did not call the guards to chase you out of the Hagia Sophia for the crime of disruption of a holy incrementation held by the highest patriarch of all Christians, is because the Lord of imperial Wardrobe personally addressed me yesterday telling me that you are coming for me, and you know, it is extraordinarily rare for an Ecumenical Patriarch to offer church services like counselling and confession, but I shall offer it to you, for your heroic deeds of saving a city of faithful Christians from the misguided infidels."

Antonius pulled the char in front of the Ecumenical Patriarch creating an irritating screech on the centuries old ground which made the later frown like the wrinkles on his face are attaching together, then sat down on the chair and apologised. "I am deeply sorry, please forgive me for my sins, I am thoroughly regretful of my actions." After the apologise, Antonius could not control himself after standing there for an age long time and took a big yawn right before the Ecumenical Patriarch's face.

Just as Antonius covered his mouth and went thinking the ashen man shall be frantically mad at him for his action, the old patriarch is surprisingly calm and did not say anything about his disrespectful actions.

"You know what, young man." The old patriarch looks ridiculous when he talks and tries to contain his rage as the ashen goat beard covering his mouth is brought up and forth every time he blows out air. "Since I am the Ecumenical Patriarch now, I cannot treat you the same way last time when I was still a ordinary clergy in the Church of Holy Apostles. Come, young man, I believe that you have issues to consult with me."

"Yes your all holiness, with all due respect I wandered here like a lamb who lost its target of life, coming here to seek guidance." Antonius tried hard to rephrase his words from the vocabulary available from his intellectual knowledge.

"Come, child, stand before the Icon of Christ, lets begin our confession ritual." The Ecumenical Patriarch stood up from the couch and ventured before the icon gesturing Antonius to come.

Antonius followed, standing before the Icon of Christ, with head pressed low by those firm hands of the old Ecumenical Patriarch, closed his eyes and sighed as he feels the Ecumenical Patriarch placing a cloth like thing over his head.

"Oh bless me, my lord, my saviour, my God, bless me with your will and power, for you shall flare up the way of my unrepented spirit, guide me, lead me, pull me out of this iniquitous muddy swamp that sucks my soul deceiving me with doubts over you, my lord… I confess, I weep, I regret, over my scepticism and disbelief of the faith. O my Lord and Saviour, gift me your mercy, grant me the knowledge and will power to solve my doubts… Amen."

The Ecumenical Patriarch Gennadius II's wrinkles squeezed together, this is not how an usual confession ceremony takes place, what Antonius is whispering does not sound like he is confessing his whatever sins to Christ, but instead, it sounds like… He is going to question the God?

With this, the Ecumenical Patriarch stepped up and interfered which usually he is not supposed to do. "Tell me, my child, speak with truthfulness and faith in front of the all holy Christos, address your doubts, for the Lord and I shall answer your doubts."

"O lord, forgive me for my sins, I am not worthy to ask for repentance, as for my filthy hands are draining with blood, from believers to non believers… But O my merciful Lord, I would still wish to ask, if you permit me Lord… Where were you, when the thunderous bolts and projectiles of the infidels came landing upon our head? Where were you, when thousands after thousands of devoted followers of the True Faith are brutally massacred by the Kilij of the barbarians? Where were you, when your followers are lying there whining in agony covering their open wounds, with nothing but their hands, leaves and dirt? Have all of them done any sins that forbids them from receiving the shines and lights of Eden? Do they not deserve salvation?..."

All of a sudden, Antonius rose up his head staring at the Icon of Christ right before him, the cloth covering his head dropped startling the Ecumenical Patriarch beside him, with that, Antonius finally asked the core question that troubled him for so long till today, it made him feel so refreshing as if he has laid off the burden on his shoulders ever since the siege.

"O my Lord, tell me, if you do exist watching over us, why don't you descend your power of salvation upon us? Or… Do you not? If you feel that I am deeply sinful for my doubts, please descend your punishment of lightening, and strike me till death here, and now!"

Nothing happens.