Chapter 4

I debate changing clothes for the third time. I don't know how to act for this, is this a date? Should I wear jeans? Should I wear a dress? Do I even own a dress? I yank my jeans off again and dig through my drawer. I pull out what I think is the only skirt in my possession, it's black and simple, so it should match my shirt. I slide it on and brush it down, it fits ok and hangs just a little above my knee. I adjust my shirt, one of the new ones Jordan got me, and tuck it into my skirt.

A door slams across the house and I hear rummaging in the kitchen. Dad's awake and looking for more booze. I pull my phone out and find Jordan's number, sending him a fast text.

Might be l8, don't worry

I shove my phone under my pillow and get under my covers. I shut my eyes, tightly and start reciting my mother's favorite song in my head.

"Hear that lonesome whippoorwill. He sounds too blue to fly. The midnight train is whining low. I'm so lonesome I could cry."

My door falls open as my dad stumbles through, I fight to keep my breathing level.

"I've never seen a night so long. When time goes crawling by. The moon just went behind the clouds. To hide its face and cry."

I hear my father mutter to himself before he trips back out of the room and slams the door. I start feeling sick and I can't catch my breath. I feel my phone vibrate under my head. I lie still a moment longer out of fear before I sit up. Jordan is calling me.

"H--hello?" I try to stop shaking.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," I take a deep breath, "Yeah, sorry I'm a little behind, I don't like being late and usually I'm not I swear."

"It's fine, hey are you sure you're ok? You sound, panicked. "

"I'm ok. Just, uh, a bit nervous, I guess. I'll be there soon."

"I can still just get you at your place. Your dad doesn't have to even know I'm there."

"Jordan, it's ok. I'll be at the library in ten minutes ok?"

"Fine, I'll see you in a bit."

I hang up and let out a painful breath I didn't even realize I was holding in. I pick up my little, old purse with my phone, charger, and wallet. Carefully I tip toe down the hall with my flats in hand.

I make it to the front door without incident, but the hard part is getting out the door without it squeaking. If it squeaks and my dad is in his office I might not be able to make it to my car before he gets to me. Sliding on my flats, I carefully make sure my purse and belongings are secure before I make a bolt for my car.

With my hand on the knob I do a final check of everything, I make sure I have everything. Probably the third time I've checked my purse, but I can't help it. Once this door opens I can't back out. I feel myself sweating, two seconds, that's all it will take for me to regret even waking up today.

With a deep breath, I pull the door open and run. I ignore the loud squeak of the door as I bolt to my truck and pray I left the doors unlocked.

"Rhea!" I hear a loud angry voice call from behind me.

With my keys in hand, I grab my car door handle and pull. I swing open, letting out a sigh of relief, and hop in quickly. I want out the windshield as my dad falls out of the house, the bottle in his hand spills and covers his vile robe. I lock the driver door, hoping it'll slow him down, and try to turn on the ignition.

After a few sputters pass, the engine turns over. I can feel tears teasing me as I pull out of the driveway as fast as I can.

I bite my lip and keep the tears at bay, today is supposed to be fun for me, I don't want to let him ruin that. I focus on the road instead of the yelling echoing in my ears. If the universe is merciful, my father will be passed out before I go home.

I start muttering lyrics to myself in an attempt to calm down on the ten minute drive, "And the people bowed and prayed... To the neon god they made. And the sign flashed out its warning, in the words that it was forming," a few tears fall from my eyes as my breathing starts leveling out, I let my voice grow bolder and ever so slightly louder, I let myself feel safe again, "And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets, are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls'. And whispered in the sounds of silence."

As I stop at a red light I open the glove compartment and find an old cd in a broken case. I quickly put it in the disc port and press play. A long track of my mother's favorite songs starts playing, of course starting with The Sound of Silence. I lose myself in the words, no noticing myself occasionally singing along as I make my way through town. My tears dry and my wavering voice disappears.

I park by the library and search for Jordan's car. Once I see it, I carefully put the disc back in its case and in the glove compartment. After only another moment of hesitation, I get out of the car. I can see him through the windshield, he's on his phone and hasn't noticed me yet. I consider running inside and maybe reading or doing homework all day but I know there's no point, I don't have my stuff, he has my number, and I would hate myself for blowing him off over a couple nerves... I've never done this.

I keep my head down as I make my way over to Jordan's car. The sound of his car door opening and closing causes me to jump, and in turn blush in embarrassment.

"I was just about to call you. I was getting worried, are you alright? Did he hurt you?" I feel his hand on my shoulder, almost on the curve of my neck.

I shake my head, "I'm ok, he tried to follow me but... I, I'm ok," I don't know what to say. I don't want to tell him I was able to sprint out of the house before my dad could pummel me.

"Good, I'm glad. I don't like the thought of you being hurt. Are you ready? I've got the good radio stations set and I know a great ice cream place in the city I think you'll like."

His arm wraps around my waist and I get tense, I flinch ever so slightly without realizing it. He pauses and looks me over, I feel my heartbeat get faster. Is he upset now? Is he going to be bothered by my reaction?

"Sorry, I should have asked first. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, you let me know if I'm pushing any boundaries and I'll stop. Ok? Rhea?" He opens the passenger side door for me and gives me a cautious smile.

I return it and climb in. He carefully closes the door and comes to join me on his side, "I'm sorry I pushed away like that. I didn't mean t--"

"Don't apologize, please. You didn't do anything wrong, if you don't like something that's alright. I will never hold that against you. Never feel bad for something like that, you're not doing anything bad. I don't want you to dwell on it, today is to help you relax and get away. I want you to try and have fun but we can stop at any point. Ok?"

I nod with a weary grin, and with that he starts the car and we're off. He starts tapping the wheel like he did in my car. He acts like going into the city is no big deal, that the half hour drive is just another task of the day. I never go into the city, gas is too expensive and it's not like I can afford to do anything.

The empty road stretches in front of us and our little town starts to disappear. I watch our town's one main road lead us into the desert where we will eventually find the highway. I lay back against his nice, leather seats and watch the dust fly around us. I close my eyes and think back to when I was little, around six or seven, and my mom would put me in the truck to drive down this road on nights I couldn't sleep. My mind goes back to the dark night, the thousands of bright stars, even the occasional coyote we'd see running through the dust. In my head I hear more of my mom's favorite songs playing, everything from Thank You For Loving Me, I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, Bed of Roses, and Piano Man. I often fell asleep to her singing along.

"He says, 'Son, can you play me a memory, I'm not really sure how it goes. But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger man's clothes'. La la la, di da da. La la, di da da da dum. Sing us a song, you're the piano man, sing us a song tonight. Well, we're all in the mood for a melody, and you've got us feelin' alright," Her voice runs over in my head, always sweet and smoky. She taught me to sing.

"Rhea," I'm stirred from my thoughts as Jordan changes lanes and pulls onto the highway full of cars, "You alright? You zoned out."

"I'm ok, I'm sorry."

He smiles, stretching his hand out to squeeze my knee, quickly retracting it, "Seriously, don't apologize. It's fine, it was nice to see you so relaxed for a minute. You know, you were mumbling something,"My palms sweat and my ears get warm. He chuckles next to me, "I honestly thought it was kind of cute. What were you saying?"

"I... I was thinking about when I was little, my uh," I choke back some tears, "My mom, she used to take me down that road when I couldn't sleep. She'd sing along to these cd's she burned of her favorite songs, one of them was Piano Man."

"That sounds really nice, I can only imagine how comforting it must have been. Music, the desert, the stars, it must have been amazing."

I feel tears run down my cheek, "It really was," I let out a shaky breath, catching his attention.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," His eyes jump between the road and me, "I'm sorry, I should have let it go. I'm sorry Rhea."

I shake my head and give a smile, one I think might actually be real, "It's ok, really. It was nice to remember something nice. It's been a long time since I felt that calm, I haven't thought about that in years."

"You must miss her. I'm sure she misses you too, I don't know who wouldn't miss you."

I glance up at him for a second, watching his gentle smile fade as he turns back to the road, he doesn't mention her again. Instead he starts talking about movies and ice cream and gift shops. He keeps talking to get me to smile, and sometimes it works. He gets excited when a song he likes comes on the radio. I try not to laugh at his excitement as he sings the chorus, something about bodies talking and shadows painting walls. It sounds beautiful and romantic.

I focus on the song, and the cars around us as the city draws closer. Today will be good, today will be fun. Everything is going to be ok. Don't think of dad, just have fun.

My eyes meet Jordan's, and his smile continues to grow. My heart melts.