Hello, all! It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm afraid this isn't a chapter, not a real one anyway. It's kind of a side story I decided to make for shits and giggles, but I hope you all will enjoy it. Thriller Bark is still not coming out the way I want it to and being in college isn't helping with that, but I decided that you all deserved something after all this time. I've had this for a while now for a time such as this, so here it is! If it makes it any funnier, the Marine Captain and his lieutenant in this are me and my best friend respectively.
Bonus Chapter
High Seas Hijinks:
Proof
(Set after Skypia)
"Pirates!" a voice shouted, echoing over the softly-rolling waves of the ocean. "You are under arrest! Surrender peacefully and you will not be harmed! You have my word as Marine Captain Wallace of division 5-17! This is your last warning!"
All activity on the Going Merry slowed to a stop at the announcement, each crewmember glancing at each other in confusion. Coby, who had been placed on rigging duty by Zoro to train his speed and dexterity, eyed the seas around them until his gaze fell upon the Marine ship trailing them. Said ship was completely average for its make and model, the only difference being the dolphin figurehead on the front and the numbers "5-17" painted as background for the Marine logo on the sails.
"Incoming Marines, 6 o'clock!" Coby called down, jumping from the lines and rolling away his extra momentum.
"We know!" Usopp yelled.
"If you do not comply," Captain Wallace's voice called, "then we will be forced to attack! This is your last warning!"
"Don't you just love how they always think they're going to win?" Amy smirked, her umbrella shading her bikini-clad form as she lounged on a beach chair, reading through chocolate recipes from a cooking magazine. "I don't know which is worse, their true confidence or Long-Nose's lack thereof."
"Now now," Gin chuckled, examining his newly-golden-capped weighted tonfa from where he was polishing them on the deck. "They've never met a crew like us before. I'm sure their captain is some sort of big shot in these waters."
"Wake me up when it's dinnertime," Zoro yawned beside him. "Or if you get some booze off of their ship."
"We are running a little low on provisions," Sanji muttered.
"But they have way more cannons that we do!" Usopp fretted.
"So?" Luffy asked even as a cannonball from the Navy ship splashed into the water off the port bow, dousing Zoro. The green-haired man didn't so much as twitch in his sleep.
"That was your last warning!" Wallace's voice yelled.
"Keep it down out there!" Nami shouted from within her map room. "I'm trying to finish my map of Skypia and if you morons make me ruin it, I'll send you all there the hard way!"
"Nami-swan's voice is beautiful when she's threatening us~!"
"Hey, Captain Luffy?" Coby asked, distracting Luffy from whatever he was going to say to the cook. "Would you mind if I tried taking on these guys on my own?"
"Are you crazy?" Usopp gasped.
"Sure thing, Coby," Luffy answered with a shrug. "Why, though?"
"I want to test myself," the rosette answered. "After that stunt Gin pulled in Skypia, I feel like I need to prove myself to the crew, to show that I deserve a place here."
"You don't have to prove anything," Luffy began.
"But I feel like I do," Coby finished. "If not to you, then to myself. Please, at least let me try." Another cannonball hit the water, this time off the starboard side, splashing Usopp.
"That was your final warning!" Wallace repeated.
"So how are you going to get there, Coby?" Grace questioned. "We took down Usopp's giant slingshot during the party after we beat Eneru."
"Captain Luffy will throw me, obviously," Coby scoffed before freezing. "...Why was that sentence way too normal?"
"Here we go!" Luffy cheered, grabbing the hood of Coby's jacket and pulling him toward the mast. Luffy's other arm shot out, grabbing the top of the upper deck, roughly lining up with the Navy ship behind them.
"Wait!" Coby cried. "Wait, wait, waitwaitwa-!"
"Gum-Gum Catapult!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Coby vanished as Luffy rebounded back onto the deck with a thump, the boy's scream echoing through the air. The wind whistled past the rosette's ears as he flew through the air, lucky enough that the patented Straw Hat misfortune® granted him an all-expenses-paid experience to his face meeting the wood of a Navy ship. It was a testament to Zoro's training methods that it was the wood that caved before Coby's face, the boy not even losing a drop of blood
"What the Hell?!" the majority of the marines gaped, staring at the pirate that had quite literally just fallen out of the sky.
"Surrender!" Wallace ordered Coby through his microphone. "This is your final warning!" Captain Wallace was a man of average height with short, light brown hair that rose in the front with a small cowlick from a widows peak. A pair of thick glasses sat on the man's nose, making his brown eyes seem far too large for his face. He had a lanky frame covered in khaki pants and a dark blue shirt with four dolphins arranged in a counterclockwise circle so their tail fins just touched. The tips of the left and right dolphins were covered my the Marine Captain's coat worn as a cape and what seemed to be orange tennis shoes covered his feet. His visible weapons included a bo staff that poked out over his right shoulder and a sword strapped to his hip, and he was using a blue umbrella as a cane, though it didn't appear like he needed it to walk.
That last one might not be a weapon, but you never knew with people like Amy around.
Next to Wallace stood a man who had more meat in his bones than his captain. This man had dark brown hair in a crew cut and dark eyes which stared off into the distance. His Marine uniform was normal save for all the blue being replaced with red. A katana in a black sheath hung at his side, bouncing in time with the tapping of his foot to some rhythm or another from the West Blue.
"Captain Wallace of the 5-17th, I take it?" Coby questioned, making eye contact with the first man.
"Tri-Horn Coby of the Straw Hat Pirates, I believe?" the marine all but parroted. "Are you a sacrifice?"
"Afraid not," the boy responded, growing into his Hybrid Mode and grabbing his swords. "I'm the calvary."
"Get him, men!" Wallace ordered, 20 or so of the marines on the deck pulling out their Marine standard-issue swords and charging.
"Dragon... Twister!" Coby spun, the small gale he created lifting a dozen marine grunts into the air. The rest stopped to stare at their flailing shipmates, awed by the fact that someone could do that.
"Impressive," Wallace noted. "I suppose it will take more skill to take you down. Lieutenant Kenneth!" The man beside him blinked. "Please deal with this intruder."
"When did he get here?" Lieutenant Kenneth gasped. "He's a dinosaur! That's so cool!"
"Slow, isn't he?" Coby commented.
"Not at all," Wallace denied. "In fact, he's quite intelligent. He just gets... distracted sometimes."
"I'll show you!" Kenneth declared. "No pirates will wreck our ship while I'm- Hey, look! A bird!" Lieutenant Kenneth actually looked up as a seagull landed on the mast before turning back to the Zoan. "Where was I? Oh! No pirates will wreck our ship while I'm around!" Pulling his katana from its sheath, Kenneth charged the pirate with an overhead swing.
Coby blocked with his left sword before spinning, smashing the blunt end of its pair into the marine's gut. Kenneth stumbled backwards a few steps, wheezing.
"Ow!" he grunted. "That hurt!"
"Isn't that the point of a fight?" the Zoan replied. "To hurt each other?" Kenneth did not respond and charged once more, this time coming in with a horizontal slash. Coby readied another block.
"Squirrel!" The marine's sudden outburst caught Coby by surprise, allowing the lieutenant's sword to scratch him as the man ran by to the railing of the ship, his eyes dashing around in search of the forest creature. "Wait a second," he blinked. "Squirrels don't live on the ocean!"
"No duh!" Coby nearly yelled. He was used to this crap from his Nakama, not the Marines. Taking a deep breath, Coby shrunk into human form and sprinted across the deck, shoulder checking the Marine Lieutenant before he could bring his sword up. The katana dropped to the deck, impaling the wood as its owner tripped over the railing and tumbled into the sea.
"Lieutenant Kenneth!" the other marines gasped, two of them diving over the side and a third dropping a ladder.
"Hmm," Captain Wallace hummed. "So you defeated my lieutenant. That is quite a feat and I commend you, but you should give up now. This is your final warning."
"Bring it on, marine," Coby stated. "I'm not afraid of you."
"Very well," Wallace replied, throwing his umbrella to the side and unsheathing his sword. It was a broadsword with a blade decorated with twelve symbols of different colors, some of these including a yellow lightning bolt, a green trident, a silver moon, and a golden sun. "If you do not fear me, then you will fear my blade! This is the Sword of the Gods, a weapon known in these waters for felling the likes of the infamous Phredd the Chihuahua and Monty the Python!"
"Are you done yet?" the pirate asked. "It's nearing dinnertime and we need to steal some of your food."
"Fine! Have at thee!" Wallace charged, his sword out as if meaning to stab the younger man. Coby didn't even blink, twisting the sword out of his opponent's hands in less than a second. The so-called Sword of the Gods clattered to the floor.
"Oh come on!" Coby complained childishly. "I thought the captain was supposed to be the strongest member of their crew!"
"So I embellished the tales of my swordplay a little bit," Wallace admitted sheepishly.
"Pointing your sword at your pets does not mean you felled them," a sopping-wet Kenneth supplied, wringing water out of his shirt by the ladder. "And didn't Phredd actually take it out of your- That cloud looks like a den-den mushi! And that one's a snake!"
"I will admit that my swordsmanship may not be at as high a level of your own... and that most pirates around here cower at my boasting and surrender by now... and that it MAY have ended with a stalemate in my duel against the infamous Phredd the Chihuahua... But!" He pulled the bo staff from his back, brandishing the wooden weapon with more confidence, falling into a basic stance with body turned to the right and the bo out and downward. "I have been practicing the art of the bo staff for many years! Wielding wooden weapons is in my roots; the techniques passed down in my family tree for each branch of weaponry!"
"Were all of those puns?" Coby demanded. "What is your family name, Captain Wallace?"
"...Wood..."
"Oh dear Goda," Coby sighed. "Wallace Wood and the Wood family wooden weaponry. And I thought my crew was crazy." He shook his head slowly. "I don't have time for this."
"Then attack me, pirate!" Wallace ordered. "I shall defeat you, for my bo is made of the densest walnut to be found within the Wood family's Family Woods and was crafted by the Wood family's finest and most wizened woodworkers! Now even the Wood family's famed woodpeckers could not peck a single hole through this fine walnut-wood weapon! Surrender now! This is your last warning!" Coby jumped in with a single, overhead slash, forcing the Marine Captain to raise his weapon and defend. Coby smirked.
"Tower Climb!" the rosette yelled, sweeping his free sword up between his opponent's hands, his Sabaku no Kiba slicing through the center of the Wood family's fine wooden weapon like butter. "And return!" Coby finished, both of his swords coming down to remove about eight inches from either end of the remainder of the weapon. Wallace gaped in shock as two pieces of his now-four-piece bo tumbled to the deck. "Are we done here?"
"...Yes," Wallace squeaked, shuffling over to his lieutenant. Putting two fingers in his mouth, Coby let out a sharp whistle, the Going Merry turning to sail toward the Marine ship in response. None of the marines resisted; for a single child pirate to best them all so easily was shameful and embarrassing.
"I told you not to attack the Straw Hat Pirates," Lieutenant Kenneth began. "I don't want to say I told you so, but I told you- Wally, that cloud totally looks like a monkey!"
"So, ah, for the record," Captain Wallace announced to his men, "we fought Straw Hat Luffy, and no one will say otherwise. Right?"
"Yes, sir!"
"At least I managed to scratch him," Kenneth boasted.
"Hey, Wallace," Coby called. "Do you have any booze on the ship? Zoro-sensei gets cranky if he doesn't have his booze."
"Of course not!" Wallace scoffed. "We Wood Family men and women carry not but the finest Wood family white wine from the Wood family winery! We make world-famous West Blue wine from wrangling only the ripest-!"
"I get it," Coby waved off. "What about meat?"
"This ship is stocked with the best of the Wood family's Family Woods' wild warthogs and wilderbeasts! Wondrous-!"
"Aaaaand you're done," Coby cut him off. Wallace opened his mouth to respond, likely with more W-based alliteration, but much to Coby's relief, the Going Merry chose that moment to pull up alongside the Marine ship, allowing Sanji and Gin to climb over the railing.
"He's all yours," the rosette stated with no room for argument, already making his way back to the Merry. "Don't ask him any questions about who he is." As soon as he was able, Coby jumped the railing, landing on the deck of the Merry.
"What's got him in a twist?" Gin questioned. "He didn't even look hurt badly. Whatever. Let's just grab the meat and alcohol and be done with it. Hey, you." He pointed at Kenneth. "Where's the good stuff?" Kenneth shrugged silently, gesturing at the captain beside him. "Come on," Gin ordered, now pointing at the captain. "Spill."
"I am Captain Wallace Wood...!"
Fin
(So this is something that happened when I got really bored while procrastinating and decided to try an SI, but I didn't want to do a whole story. Solution? This. There are several hidden jokes in there than only people that actually know me would understand, but the name, though not my own, is connected and the "enemies" I/he mentioned felling were my pets Phredd (pronounced Fred) and Monty (a ball python). My real name does have to do with wood and you wood not beleaf the amount of puns I've heard and made about it. And then there's the fact that almost all of this was written just so I could make a pun about my username.)