Dies Irae

I'm not sure what happened, but I died. Yep, I did the thing most people don't want to. Do not even ask me what happened to me, that caused my death, because honestly, I do not even remember, I probably wouldn't want to, either.

Sigh…, now as for where I am at. I am not sure as to how to properly describe it, other than foggy and dim. I would love to wax poetic about the view, but there really is nothing there to describe. If this is eternity for me, I would consider this Hell. Nothingness…, and so time passes.

* * *

Essentially, I am not sure how long I have been here at this point. I feel nothing. I have no hunger, no thirst, no tiredness. Exercising is the only thing I have been doing since I got here that seems to pass the time. While it does nothing for my "body", it is still better than nothing.

Knowing what do I mean by "body", is the question that I've puzzled over for a while. Here is the answer. I do not have a visible shape. It is bipedal, at least. As for appearance, either I am invisible, or I am made out of the ether that I am in. It works the way a body does, or at least that what it feels like to me. At least it is something for me to keep myself busy. And since I don't get tired, I just keep on going, and going, and going…

* * *

"3747, 3748, 3749, 3750..."

Always, I'm counting out loud as I'm doing burpees. I have been reps of exercises increasingly up to prime numbers. Current set is up to 3761, if I did the math right. Trying to do the math up to that amount, with out anything to write it out is getting to be troubled. I keep on having to redo the math every time I start a new set, though I am getting faster and faster at doing it. With having to do the math and the exercises, it at least keeps myself from getting lost in the monotony, but dear lord I'm bored.

"3759, 3760, 3761."

I do not know how long I am going to keep doing these sets, but, I will keep on doing them until I can no longer do it. I just need something, or anything, to do. I would have gone insane by now if I was not trying to distract me. While I first I was annoyed by the unending ether, it at least it allows me to go in any direction for however long I like. While there is no change in the scenery, at least I'm not just staying here the whole time. Giving me some sort of sense of difference is better than nothing.

After the burpees, it is on to running. Since running is quicker to get up to the set numbers, I have been doing ten times the amount of the other sets. And then, after that I do a martial arts form that I did when I was still alive. Well, I am not sure if I am remembering the way it was done correctly, but it is what I am doing. I do differentiate the speed that I am doing the form. Sometimes it will be as quick as I can, while not fully caring about how I am doing the techniques, and at other times, I will go at a completely slow pace. At those times, I focus on the technique solely, trying to make sure each part of my body engages to its fullest extent in the technique that I'm doing.

Really trying to do that properly is difficult. But even when I'm going slow or fast, I am getting better. I am removing extra motions, slowly making it more perfect. Now if I only had a camera, or even a mirror, to make actually view what I'm doing, just as a confirmation that I am doing it right.

* * *

Eventually I put meditation into my rotation of sets. How does that even count into exercising? It doesn't. Plain and simple. I mean my body does not the rest, but eventually, my mind needed it. Somewhere in the 6000's, I couldn't keep focused. I kept on losing track and having to start back over on the set. I refused to cheat on my count, and going back to a number that I know I counted previously did not sit right with me.

Sitting and meditating was the most difficult thing I have tried to do yet. Even when I was still alive was something I was never able to accomplish. Now let me clarify something. By meditation, I don't mean sitting and constantly repeating some type of mantra. No, I mean completely empty my mind of everything and think of nothing. It does help that I no portion of my "body" ever feels pain, or get irritated. Also no sense of taste or smell either to distract me. I'm not sure how long it took me to be able to blank my mind, but I finally accomplished it.

Hopefully I can think of other things to add to my repertoire, but at the current, I can't think of anything else to add. I have to tools, or props to encourage my creativeness on trying to do more things. Even having something as a stick would be great. If thought of so, so many things that I could do with it. I could act as if it was a knife, a dagger, or whatever would emulate a weapon of its size. I could work on my dexterity by moving it between my fingers. Work on my hand eye coordination would be something even. Or even learn how to throw it further and further. But alas, I don't have a stick. How sad it is, that I'm excited by something as simple as a stick.

I need…

* * *

Today, or what I would consider today, my sets have gotten into 10, 000's. It is only 34 more than the previous set, but it is a hallmark moment for me. 10,007 of each thing. If I even thought to myself that I would ever be able to do this when I was alive, I would have laughed at myself. It really is remarkable that I could force myself to continue to do this.

* * *

"100,001, 100,002,..."

Did you know, running is the last part of any set I do? Why? It's because it is the hardest thing to keep track of when you are doing ten times the amount of anything else. I'm in the one hundred thousand range when I'm counting now. Restarting my count, over and over, just to make sure I am doing the whole set. And only a few more till I'm done with this, and I'll be able to start all over.

"10,068, 10,069, 10,070."

Eventually I'm done. And I feel proud of myself. I wish I had something for myself to celebrate with. Give me a blade of grass, or a feather, or something. Anything would entertain me, and make me content. I think a grain of sand would be glorious. It would have texture. I would have never thought that I would be yearning just for anything.

"So, just to let you know, you have passed. You've lived years and kept your sanity, at least for the most part. You've proved to Me that you deserve a new life. And to be nice to you, I will let you retain some of your memories. I will let you retain your remembrance of your persistence that gained from here, but nothing else from here. Fare thee well."

Uh, uh, uh… I'm lost. I hear a Voice, or is it really hearing. God damn my inner monologue, it is distracting from me what the Voice said. Did I hear a Voice, or am I finally insane. If either is true, that I'm insane, or that I'm leaving here, I don't care. It means that I'm done here. Existence or insanity here I come.