Unlocked memories 2.0

I need to function so that I am of use.

I have to live so I am grateful and good.

I want to feel so as to stop my heart from growing cold.

Humans are so cold and cruel...

Eyerything blurrs in Front of my Depression.

It's fruits lethal.

Intertwining with my self, never letting go.

I feel like I'm not working properly...

One memory-hazy as hell. Only fractions of images and Feelings.

I'm fighting my exboyfriend. Hurting him with my words, telling him that I will be gone without a trace sometime-on his very birthday.

He Hurting.

Me scarred for life. I had to say it because it's the truth. But my fault was for bringing that up, opening my self and showing him the disgusting me that I am.

He so angry, we so drunk.

He raped me. Anal.

I never gave permission...

I never consented to this.

I always said No to Anal. I told him many many times.

Not like 'any other woman' saying No meaning Yes. Like, every woman on this earth can't tell u directly what they want.

Like everyone is to shy to say no to fucking Anal.

Bitch, please, grow up!

Yes means yes and No means no!

So why did u do this to me? I was drunk, I wasn't able to say or Think anything. He just violated me on the floor. Unclear images, as if I Was not there, looking at myself getting raped.

You did this to me when u were drunk and angry.

How could u do this...

Later, the next morning, he apologized- me not realising and understanding what happened to me. Blocked up memory, tightly locked.

I just surpressed it. I did not know what He has done to me until just recently.

This happened four years ago...

Is getting raped my mistake? Should I have not make him so angry? Should I have not drunk?

Should I have covered myself with a burqa to stop him from violating me?

Is everything that happened my fault?

What did I do to deserve this...

Existing is a sin. Living is torture.