The Artist Thinks and Thinks and Thinks

When Yujia headed back to Lingxin, after she recorded all the details of the story she heard from Madam Liu down, she found herself sitting in front of a canvas. The oil paint set her master gifted her was open and laying on the table. She busied her hands with the paints, while her mind went over everything that she recorded.

Even though she thought about these details, it felt like the more she went over every little word in her head, the blurrier everything was becoming. There were so many uncertainties. There were so many places in the story that Yujia felt like she needed more details about. Yet right now, she had nothing except for her own mind to try to sort everything out.

And out of all of it, the most glaring question in Yujia's head was if Madam Liu told the truth or not. 

Just the idea that every part of the story she heard was one big lie made Yujia's hands stop painting mid-brushstroke. 

She realized: indeed, who was to say that every story she heard wasn't just a pile of lies? 

Madam Liu could've been lying to her. And everything she heard from everyone else before, the stories from Hui'er, from Yang Xiaoyi, from even her master… how did she know that they weren't lying? 

Everyone could've been lying to her all this time. 

Yujia set the brush in her hand down, leaning forward and pressing her fingers against her temples. 

"F*ck," she muttered. 

These trust issues were getting to her. She needed to stop herself, before they went too far. Though she did have some of these thoughts before in the past, they were to a lesser degree. The emotions that she felt before were similar, but not as overwhelming as they were now. 

Why was she even having these thoughts? Perhaps she could excuse not trusting Hui'er or Xiaoyi, but her master… she had to trust him. They were master and disciple, a relationship closer than father and daughter, even. Her master would have no reason to lie to her.

Though then again, why didn't she trust Madam Liu? 

For a moment, Yujia thought that the same logic could be applied, that a mother shouldn't have any reason to lie to her daughter. But with another thought, she realized that Madam Liu could've had, within perfect reason, lied to her. If she thought that keeping the truth from Yujia was beneficial to Yujia, then surely, she would excuse her act of dishonesty. 

On the other hand, Yujia's situation with her master was different. Her master was talking about old matters with him and his wife. He truly had no reason to lie to her. She could trust him. 

Yujia smacked the two sides of her head. She was beng dumb right now, and letting the mess of emotions going through her right now take over her thoughts. 

Why was she so sensitive today? Could it be that the things told in the story, with all the scheming and poisonings, unsettled her to that degree? 

It felt different knowing that Yujia herself was directly stuck in the situation. Unlike the story she heard from her master about his wife, Madam Liu's story about Madam Zhang and her past directly affected Yujia. After all, Madam Liu claimed that Zhang Ruoyu was the reason for Yujia's poor health and the poison in her body. 

At this thought, a new idea struck her mind. 

All along, Madam Liu had been the one treating Yujia when Yujia was younger. It didn't seem like the Fourth Miss visited many other doctors. Yuija's experience with a doctor, though a highly esteemed one, was also fairly brief. She thought that getting her medicine checked along with the diagnosis from the doctor before would give her all the possible hints she could get in that area. But maybe if she went to see a completely different doctor and received new insight, some more things could click. 

This idea made Yujia decide that tomorrow, she would go find a doctor. 

For now, though, she would just have to paint and think some more. Yujia picked up the paintbrush again, dabbing it in a bit of green paint she had mixed. 

She realized that her messy perception could've probably been fixed if she was looking at it from an outsider's perspective. Yet being in the situation right now, knowing that the truth she discovered or the truth that she believed in could completely change her personal outcome, was what made her so sensitive about everything. 

She stopped her brush again. 

Another thought appeared in her mind. Did she really have to chase after the truth? What if she just accepted Madam Liu's story, regardless of if it was a lie or not? Wouldn't it just be easier to accept these lies and to live with it? It wasn't like Madam Zhang could harm Yujia any more, now that she was in Lingxin. Why was she so desperate in seeking after the truth? 

But no. 

That wasn't the kind of person she was. Living with lies and an unclear past like that just wasn't something that sat right with her. Yujia didn't think she could live out the rest of her life with a little voice telling her in the back of her head that she missed out on such a crucial truth.

She had already gotten so far in her investigation of her poisoning. To let it all go now through choosing the easy route would take away plenty of her worries. Still, though, it was such a waste, to let go of the truth just because of a little bit of frustration that she was feeling. 

She wanted the truth, and she would get to it, regardless of how many struggles she would have to face to get there. In the past, especially in her past life, Yujia had too many moments of giving up halfway. This time, she wouldn't let that be the case again. 

Yujia looked at her canvas, focusing on her painting and not her thoughts for the first time in a long while. She wanted to try painting some sort of landscape scenery, maybe a field of grass, when she first began to paint. The image on the canvas right now, though, was more of a mess of colors and brushstrokes, tossed together in one big pile.

However, in the mess of it all, she began to piece together the shapes and dots of paint, seeing it form a field of grass under blue skies and brilliant rays of golden sunlight. She could see the way that the grass flickered in the wind, and the way that the cool breeze changed the patterns of clouds to reveal the glory of the sun. 

She never liked abstract painting too much in the past, but now, things felt different, seeing this painting on her canvas.

Maybe that was the beauty of abstract art, to make out the order amongst the chaos.