Who turned out the lights?

"Royal flush," I announced, laying my cards on the table.

"That's the third one," Anko replied, her jaw metaphorically on the floor. "I…how?"

"I wasn't kidding about my luck," I explained. I stood up and took out the guitar. "And I think that was my last game. You guys want some music or something while you play?"

Hisako gasped with a huge grin on her face. "You brought the guitar!"

"I did," I nodded, sitting on one of the couch's arms and starting to strum. "I think I'm pretty good with it now. So…background music?"

"Yes please," Hisako nodded enthusiastically.

"Sure," Nichiren replied with a nod of his own.

With that, I started playing the amazing and great tune that was Black Sabbath's Iron Man. Didn't try the lyrics because they didn't make any sense when translated and I couldn't sing worth anything. But strumming the guitar? I could do that. And I earned that.

"So, sensei. Mitarashi-san," Nichiren started. "What can we expect from the tests? They're going to be fair, right?"

"As fair as can be expected from Shinobi," Kakashi replied with an amused look in his single eye.

"Are they the same tests across all villages?" I asked with a frown. "If we fail in the tests here, could we expect similar trials in our village in the next round?"

"Well, yes," Kakashi admitted with a nod. "The Chunin exams have all been designed by and agreed upon by each of the villages. Each Chunin exam is roughly the same, only modified by location and the applicants themselves."

Oh. So, the idea that each village had its own individual exam is fanon. That's…odd. I'm actually a little disappointed. I thought I was going to have to do something new and exciting and all I'm doing…is retreading canon. In a new place, sure, but…retreading canon, man. I thought I was immune to that slog for another six months at least.

I swear if Naruto has to go through the wave mission one more time I'll, I don't know, actually go C'thulhu and just scrub the whole thing. Except the bridge. And the people working on the bridge. They're okay.

You know, I have to wonder what the odds are for Orochimaru being here for these exams? I mean, he has to have heard of me and want to body-jack me as disconcerting as that thought is. Him and his little mole, Kabuto. Actually, come to think of it, didn't Kabuto take the Chunin exams seven times?

Wait, where is he? He wasn't in the group that came with us-oh, that's right! Kabuto got busted for being a member of ROOT and he's on the run just like Danzo. Huh. Well, that's almost criminally lucky.

I found myself stopping the tune for just a second.

10 Luck really was the best investment I ever made. Totally worth the extra perk point at level 2 to bring it up to 10. Just…wow. Just by existing, everything is falling into place perfectly, way better than it ever did in canon.

"Daisuke, you okay?" Anko asked from her spot at the table.

"Yeah, just zoned out for a minute," I replied, resuming the tune.

I mean, the only reason I haven't put perk points into charisma is that it's a waste of potential. With only have 25 perks to obtain, I don't want to waste nine of them bringing the stat up to where it needs to be when only one would suffice.

Soon, the Hokage arrived. "I'm glad to see that everyone is settling in."

We gave our greetings to Hokage-sama and he started to fill us in.

"So, in case any of you missed the briefing," The Hokage started. At first, I thought this was pointless since we were all at the briefing but then I remembered that I had the tendency to zone out at the oddest times so this explanation might be just for me. "The exam is divided into three parts. The first is a written exam to test your information gathering skills, the second a survival test to see how you operate behind enemy lines and the third is a tournament show piece where you demonstrate your capabilities to clients so they're more likely to hire us for missions. Any questions?"

Nope. It seemed pretty straight forward.

"Where's the second test being held, exactly?" Hisako asked, her hand up.

"A training ground they've come to call The Blood Dunes," The Hokage replied. "Apparently, they have an infestation of something called Blood Worms that appeared over there since the last time we've been here for the exams."

If that thing doesn't turn out to be just one big shout-out to Dune, I'm going to be disappointed. I haven't even read the book or seen the movie, but I know 'giant worms' when I hear them and that sounds like giant worms.

"Realistically, how hard are these exams going to be?" Nichiren asked with his hand up.

"I would keep your guard up," The Hokage replied. He started to chuckle. "But I don't see how this would be very difficult. Each of you stand head and shoulders above the other contenders, enough that we simply considered field promoting you to avoid potential complications."

"Then why did you want to risk those complications from arising?" I asked with a blink, setting my guitar aside.

"We wanted to show you off for the exams," The Hokage answered with this huge grin directed at me. "I'll consider it worth it if the other villages don't see work for a year."

"Oh, got it," I replied. Wait, wasn't Sand in dire economic straights? If they're our allies, why is he trying to make the situation worse?

"What other villages showed up?" Nichiren asked.

"The only two we're worried about are Hidden Rock and Hidden Cloud," The Hokage replied. "So while none of the examinee's here can stand a chance against you, you are to watch out for any attempts at sabotage and no deliberately springing any traps."

"Awww…" I groaned. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

"It's for your own protection," The Hokage nodded, his mouth pressed in the firm line. "Unless poison doesn't affect you?"

I can just feel the Cazador venom piercing my veins and bringing my health down as I'm repeatedly stung by a swarm of impossible-to-hit, giant mutated wasps. "No, poison is definitely a problem. Well, unless I put on a poison-filtering seal."

"A poison filtering seal," Anko repeated. "You've got one of those."

"Yeah, I came up with it last night," I replied with a nod. Then I placed the seal on my chest. "There we go. Now I'm immune to poison."

Anko started sputtering and pointing at me, as if that one move had completely and totally rendered her lost and confused.

"What's the chakra drain on it like?" The Hokage asked.

"…moderate," I replied after a moments consideration. "Well, none until I get poisoned but then I just recover what I lose in a few seconds."

"Hm. I'm not sure it's a good idea to place it on anyone else, then," The Hokage said. "A moderate drain wouldn't be good on someone with finite reserves, a dedicated use of poison could inflict them with chakra exhaustion on accident."

I frowned. "That's unfortunate. I was hoping to render my teammates immune."

"It's a shame," The Hokage said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Now, I think everyone should get some rest, it's been a long trip and the exams start tomorrow."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

The exam building was multi-storied and, as what happened in canon last time, there was a Genjutsu on the floor below the exam floor and the floor was packed with people trying to find the exam room and failing miserably.

"There's a Genjutsu on the floor," Hisako whispered to us. "I think we should just leave it there. Less competition means it's easier for us to move on, right?"

"Makes sense," Nichiren nodded.

There was a time, long ago, when the suggestion of cheating would have me recoil in disgust because I believed that everyone deserved a fair shot. I didn't now because I had spent the past six months being a true-blue ninja who believed playing fair was for schmucks and this is actually a test of how good the applicants are at getting around cheap tricks like that.

We left it and went up another floor.

"Hey, I've got an idea," Hisako said, snapping her fingers with a sudden smile. "Let's make another Genjutsu, switch these two rooms and narrow the competition down even further."

"Good idea," Nichiren replied.

Inwardly, I balked. "This might sound odd coming from me, but I don't like cheating."

"We're ninjas," Hisako replied with a raised eyebrow.

"And we all deserve a fair chance for promotion," I replied with a nod. "I know how it sounds coming from me, but I don't like the idea of using a dumb trick to get ahead."

"Well, the fewer genin that make it through, the fewer people that'll be trying to kill us later," Nichiren explained with a nod. "I like increasing the odds of living. Even if it delays a power spike…sorry, Daisuke."

"Besides, if they can't dispel this Genjutsu, they probably won't survive being chunin," Hisako shrugged. "We might end up saving their lives by weeding out the weak."

…they had me. "Alright, you want to do it or shall I?"

"I got it." Hisako brought her hands together in the seals needed and produced a reasonably strong Genjutsu, switching two of the rooms around. We entered and saw that only one other team made it besides us, all sitting scattered around the classroom.

Still didn't like it, but surprisingly, I was okay with the saving lives aspect of denying promotion.

"Alright, guys?" I started, grabbing them both by the shoulders. "Would you guys be okay with me just handling the written exam?"

"I thought you didn't like cheating," Hisako replied with a wry smile.

"I don't like it," I whispered back. "But you're my teammates and I'm not going on without you."

"Aw, that's sweet," Hisako replied with a smile. "If you can sneak it past the proctors, sure."

"I'd actually really appreciate it," Nichiren said with a nod. "I, uh…don't do so well with written exams."

Our desks were assigned to us, our names written in the upper right corner. I sat down behind one of the ninjas, a guy with a brown shirt and…wait, is his arm made of wood?

It is!

His arm is made of wood! Well, it's an arm made and animated by Suna's famous puppeteering methods. It's a cybernetic arm. He is a cyborg ninja. That is actually insanely cool. Now all that remains is for him to be a pirate, which he could if he ever takes to the seas, and a zombie, which is totally possible here, and he'd be a ninja pirate zombie cyborg; the whole package.

But he's not so he isn't. Sad. I mean, he's still cool. I mean, the internet would have a field day with him if they knew about him. The memes alone would flood the web and everyone would know that Naruto did, in fact, have a Ninja-Cyborg in its universe. Amazing.

Hisako and Nichiren took seats on opposite corners. I was around the middle-ish, Hisako was in the upper-left corner and Nichiren was in the back on the right. Gradually, other students started to trickle in I could hear others go into the room to the side. A little annoying, but I given how I was nearly killed by a Genjutsu on my first mission I guess Hisako had a point. We were saving their lives.

Eventually, the proctor did walk in the door. He was a man with a turban-scarf thing draped over one of his eyes. "Alright, welcome Genin. My name is Baki and I wish to congratulate you on making it to the first part of the exam. Those in the other rooms are now being informed-"

What sounded like riots exploded on the other sides of the walls, with shouts of anger and disbelief almost being intelligible inside our room.

"-that they have been disqualified for failing to make it to the exam on time," Baki finished.

He went on to explain the rules, which, as the Hokage had said, would be the same as in Konoha. Written exam, don't get caught cheating ten times. A little disappointing but it made sense – best to avoid diplomatic incidents over perceived slights, right? Right. The biggest difference, I think, will be in stage two where we're put through the environment and no-one can really help if the exams are in the mountains of Kumo or the forests of Konoha.

Good test of survival skills, though.

…mine are at a paltry 26. Uh oh.

Well, at least I have my team.

Wait, the exam started.

Intelligence Check Success: 10/7.

A little bit more difficult than I thought it should be, but then again, you're supposed to steal the answers. They're not supposed to be figured out which means that Sakura really is a genius and should be treated as such. I'll remember that when I get back to the village.

Shikamaru too, but I already had him figured for a genius so I don't need to treat him any differently.

Anyway, the plan to skirt my teammates through this exam hinged on the fact that I could get caught nine times before getting thrown out, so…

Chakra Control Check Success: 100/90.

You have unlocked Invisible Chakra Strings!

+600 exp.

You know, Chakra-strings were visible by default simply because of the chakra concentration they were created light. Making them invisible required the strings to be both concentrated and threaded appropriately so that the light they generated remained inside the string and never reached anyone's eyes. I stretched the strings out to Hisako and Nichiren's desk.

Sneak Check Success: 100/65.

No one saw the hand-signs, so here we go.

Darkness.

The room went pitch dark and amidst the sudden panic, I whisked the two tests of my teammates off to my desk along the strings and with a jutsu, filled out the tests with the correct answers and zipped the tests back to where they were supposed to be.

I rolled my eyes at the couple shouts of 'kai' that came about. This was a Ninjutsu, one that bound up all sources of light from entering the room, not a Genjutsu to be quickly dispelled.

9,950 more EXP until level 26.

So glad I figured out how to make actual ink with jutsu. Made paperwork a snap. The tests were returned and I lifted the jutsu. With that bit done, I took a look around and…yeah, Gaara is not here. He is not participating in the exams, but I did get a look at the guy in front of me again, with his wooden, cybernetic arm.

You know what I miss from the old world? The internet. More particularly, fanfiction. See, I had tons and tons of books and writing all on one machine and if I ever needed entertainment, I'd just boot up my PC, head over to FFnet or Spacebattles or wherever and be able to read whatever. For free, too.

Honestly, I miss the internet in general. Youtube, FFnet…all that stuff. The internet is awesome. I should try to bring something like it to the elemental nations. Be able to talk with anyone, anywhere at any time feels like something they need, especially with how…cloistered Konoha is. Sequestered.

It's kind of annoying. My trips to the vault are technically illegal because you aren't allowed to leave Konoha without, you know, leave unless you're a jounin. Even then, they want you to at least tell them where you're going.

Anyway, once that part was done, Baki got up and gave us the tenth question that wasn't on the test. I was so proud of Hisako and Nichiren, neither of these kids stood up. But they did look at each other and at me. But they didn't stand.

One team stood up. Then another. Then more. Some from Konoha stood up, not wanting their chance at being a Chunin to be blown by a foreign power that didn't actually have any say in the matter. But then again, maybe they did or it was a real possibility that they could. Because things are never really what they seem in the Ninja world, are they? It could have been something that the Kage did, in fact, agree on because…I don't know why.

Anyway, we passed. Baki congratulated us for our commitment to being Shinobi – you know, on that note, once I get to max level, or even just to almost perfect, would I even mind retiring? Right now, it's inconceivable, but there does come a time when, at the max level and nothing poses a threat or challenge to you that combat becomes, well…boring.

The game becomes boring.

The one part of this existence that I can truly say I enjoyed is going to become boring.

I…okay, I'll say it right now. Well, think it. I don't like that. I don't like that one bit.

The next proctor showed up, coming in through the front door instead of…I don't know, coming in through the window like, say, Anko would've done. She was this gaunt old woman that towered over Baki with tired eyes and thin lips. She introduced herself as Emiko and told us to follow her to the next exam.

Honestly, I'm bored out of my skull and I can't wait for the survival portion of this exam to be over.

"This is the sight of the exams," Emiko said, her arms held behind her. "We call these the Dunes of Blood."

Oh, it just looks like a random stretch of desert that's been fenced off. I wonder why-HOLY CRAP!

Out in the back, way off in the distance, a giant sand worm erupted out from the dunes in a tidal wave of sand, before sinking back down into the dunes. The Ninja around me were whispering in astonishment and awe at such a huge, magnificent creature.

Well! The Hokage wasn't kidding about Blood Worms. I guess it is a shout-out to Dune and I'm happy! Now I just need that spice-drug…thing…whatever it was, I never read Dune. I know it was important somehow.

"The dunes get their names from the inhabitants," Emiko explained. "What you just saw was a Blood Worm, the queen in fact. It is the largest of the inhabitants dozens of times over. In the center of the dunes lies a plateau with a fortress built into it."

She then explained about the heaven and earth scrolls and how we need them both so we'll need to fight the other teams to get the scrolls, yadda-yadda. I get it, hurry it up, I want to start stomping worms out.

One final thing," Emiko said. "Before we let you inside, some of you may have delusions of grandeur about killing the Queen Bloodworm. You are welcome to try. Others have thought as you have, and they were the queens next meal. They failed, and you will fail. Do not try to kill the Queen if you value your life."

But-but-but!

Okay. I guess if the fight with the queen turns out like how the Behemoth did in the sewers but without a surprise Hokage to the rescue, it would be pretty bad. Really, really bad. I mean, I might die, but Hisako and Nichiren would die.

Our team was called up and we were given a Heaven scroll.

"So," Nichiren started, with a bit of…dread in his voice. "Are you excited."

"Oh yes," I nodded. "I am very, very excited."

Pest control, fighting an interesting enemy that in no way will I even feel bad about ever? Yes please.

"We're going to stick together for this one," Hisako asked, grabbing my arm. "Right? Right?"

"I'm not going after the queen without you guys," I replied with a sigh.

"So we're not going after the queen," Nichiren pressed forward with a worried look on his face.

"Nope," I replied with another, deeper sigh. "I guess not."

Again, probably for the best.

We got moved to our starting gate and after entering, it was shut behind us. We were in worm territory now. And not the really fun kind of worm, that had bazooka's and infinite shells kind of worm. But blood worms, things I'm having a hard time believing were ever a part of the manga. Maybe they weren't?

So many things that I don't know where they came from.

"So, first things first," Nichiren started. "Daisuke, we need a way for you to reunite with us when you invariably get dragged off to somewhere awful."

I blinked. "Come on, it's not that bad."

"Yes, it is," Hisako retorted with a groan. "Monster house, you got dragged off by a giant cement monster. Our first C rank had you fighting an A-rank missing nin by yourself. In the sewers, you got impaled by a trident made of rocks and rusty pipes. No matter what happens, we always end up separated."

"Okay, it is kind of that bad," I replied with another sigh. "Alright, give me a second."

With a wood-release, I created a pair of white arm-bands. They were technically made of a leaf, but they should be sturdy enough to endure the wear and tear we'll inevitably face fighting our way through the sands. Then, I drew FTG seals on it. "Here. Armbands with the Flying Thunder God seal on it. I get dragged away or eaten or whatever, and I'll just teleport back to you."

"How long have you been able to do this?" Hisako asked, eyes wide as she carefully placed the armband on her right arm.

"Since sometime after the sewers," I replied with a shrug. "The Hokage was about as shocked as you were."

"I'll bet he was," Hisako said. "Wait this is how you've been disappearing?"

"Yeah."

"I thought you were using a Genjutsu," Hisako muttered to herself.

"Not really a fan of Genjutsu, to be honest," I replied with a shrug. "I mean, I can do it…but I'd rather my enemy see the oncoming firestorm that's going to wipe them from the face of the earth. Make sense?"

"I guess," Hisako shrugged.

"This work, Nichiren?" I asked him.

His eyes narrowed. "Why don't you test it first?"

I ported to his side. Then to Hisako's side. Then back to where I was. "Satisfied?"

"Yup!" Nichiren smiled. "I think we're ready to go."

"Then let's not waste any time," Hisako nodded with a smile of her own.

And we moved off into the desert to start this second stage of the exam.