Review Detail of MrAuthor101 in Moonlit Identity [BL]

First of all, I’ll start with the prize, because it’s the best thing I reviewed so far. It’s well written, the story is interesting, and directed in a good, fluid way, which makes this simply a good read. Dialogues are very nice as well. So putting that aside I’ll move to the pointers, as I have a few, but mostly small things. I start with the beginning: I’m not so sold on how you start the novel. As a starting writer with no cloud, you should make sure your first chapter ticks some basics, and you by all means do, but I think It could be done better. So normally you start with a hook, so people will continue reading and you will have the room to sell them the premise of the story, the protagonist, the setting, and all that stuff. For me, the later parts with Luan on the ground dit it better than the falling star-thingy. So yeah, that’s a possible improvement. Then we have some awkward words here and there. Just a few, but they give an off-vibe. Examples: The fourth paragraph of the 1 chapter. „As he tried to get his bearings” - I presume it’s to avoid the repetition of words but ant it as supposed to be something along the lines of „regaining his posture”, but it feels awkward. I would even say that the repetition would be better in this case. Then a bit later you have the ‘Stunningly’ where mister shades kick Luan. That also does feel awkward. I would use surprisingly, or just simply go with a dry kick. There is more, but I’m not gonna point them all. What I’ll point out, on the other hand, are those weird brackets. It feels as if you use them for the protagonist's thoughts, but not always. So, as far as I know „ „ - this is for dialogue, and ‘ ‘ - for thoughts. At least in English. With this, the third paragraph of the second chapter feels really weird. Then the „...” and the lines. I feel like those are useless there. It’s as if you want to jump to a different scene, but we are left each time in the same scene, so why not just simply continue? Then the office and the club. You kinda described them, but also kinda not. It by all means didn’t feel empty, but I also have this hunch that you could do it better. Flesh it out more. Then the 24-year-old girl. You narrate the story as we are following Luan, but this feels like we zoom out and have the narrator tell us some additional info, which makes this feel off as well. I would either just approximate the age and her soberness instead of stating it. Or completely zoom out, and go full narrator style there – but this, I believe will also feel awkward. Then the re-appearance of the redhead (vampire?) and the return of the brackets, which are again like adding the narrator mixed with the protagonist's thoughts? I don’t know. Then, as the dialogue progresses you start telling instead of showing. You tell what the girl is feeling/thinking, and start telling more stuff as the bulky guy comes. It could be shown instead, which would make it much better. Usually, you want to ‘tell’ only the stuff that’s useless for the novel. Like a quick background of a background character, that’s meaningless, and would only interrupt the flow of the plot. Here I think showing would benefit the story. The stuff about delaying could also be shown, for example by Luan getting weaker or feeling some symptoms of whatever is happening to him. There also is the consent thingy. It feels important for the story, but actually, why is there, and why should Luan care about this? It feels more like an irritating addition to the drink blood quest, which I feel the protagonist, who showed his rebellious side already, could consider ignoring. That would be it from me.