Mahenzz

I think you need to work on your fight scenese my guy. Ik its just a dungeon but, this is technically his first time using magic… even if it is the gamer it seems like there is a shaping/manipulation of magic gojng in and he wiuld needa learn. Just kill kn zombie while getting a feel woulda been better than just skipping right ti the boss fight.

Very good so far, the author knows quite a bit of the world and it shows. It seems to be an AU but it isnt anything crazy, mainly just Baki beaing more of a bastard than in reality. Main issue with the story is a small part of the writing. Author very much enjoys telling instead of showing. There can be entire chapters without dialogue and often things just kind of happen and Gaara just tells us. Recommendation for the author is to have the writing be a little more interactive by descring his methods and thoughts as he goes. You often just skip past quite a bit of the process as you go. The best example of when you did it correctly was the medical exam but even then you could’ve gone a bit deeper. Give us the feeling of Gaaras chakra, describe the smell, the feel of flesh, all that. This issue mainly pops up in your fight scenes as there isn’t enough build up between actions and it can make your fights feel very choppy.

In dxd the “three factions” represent the 3 biblical factions. Not necessarily all factions. It specifically just refers to the fallen, devils, and angels

Good idea written poorly. The setting itself is great and the author does a good job expanding on it. Even the power given to the mc is pretty good. It scales nicely and he has to work to get truly powerful. He even still has weaknesses to magic and hasn’t truly started to scrape the top of the power system. However, every so often you’ll just have a paragraph that doesnt make any sense. Or there is a random time skip that isnt set up properly. When you time skip you have to give just a little context right before or during the beginning to help set the scene and let the readers catch up. This doesn’t happen often and when it is, its done haphazardly. And, because we are going forward and backwards in time it is even more confusing. Lastly, fight scenes are messy. It can be hard to keep track of movements and the placement of enemies when writing but the author sometimes just doesnt care. In the beginning few chapters there is one fight scene with two issues: when fighting against 3 cleaver dudes the Author accidentally starts with the three men dead. I assume that sentence was supposed to be at the end because the rest of the fight was written in present tense. However, if you were trying to do the, “Here is how the fight went.” You didnt set it up properly with dialogue or pre-context. Secondly the fight misstracked the action and had the enemies teleporting, if read at face value.

*The rod even helps

*Is some ROB fucking with me? Get rid of da Did and restruc.

This is tagged system, but summary is talking about nit having one. Does he get one?

I think it should be something like the world itself or the pygmy trying a last dirch effort. From ds3 we know that the pygmy’s have been trapped by Gwyn in the ringed city at the end of time and gaurded by dark eater midir. You’ve already established that the system was made by the pygmy and that he has been calling souls to try and keep the world moving. Whether or not he wishes for the age of darkness is a little blurry as Gwyn obv wouldn’t let him know about that but it’s possible they figured it out. I like the idea of the world sending it out looking for help as a desperate plee as we know that in some sense the world in darksouls has weight to it. Thats why things repeate and everything. The darksign might have been sent to the naruto world and discovered by tobirama but he couldn’t use it because the world was waiting for someone who could actually help and continue the cycle of light and dark so that the worlds natural order can continue. And who better for that than the boy of prophecy? You could probably tie the freaky ore eating noodles into it.

I wonder why… I can only imagine what a soul massage feels like.