HalfX

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125415th #1 GhostyZ hater Also why can't I set the sun as my hometown? I live there.

2021-01-06 JoinedGlobal

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HalfX2 years ago
Commented
Definetly more readable compared to last chapter
Ch 4 Chapter 4: The Pain of Living
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Replied to ShinSoma
Yep, try splitting the description into 2-3 parts.
The softest chirping of birds echoed through the tiny window, while the sun shone through the tiny slits in the wood that lit up the musty room. A rusty cot had been placed in the right corner of the room while a table with a stool sat on the left, and next to the cot was a broken nightstand. The contents on top of the nightstand were only a small mirror and a candlestick. A nub remained of a white candle that had burned through the night. Wax coated the smallholder and dripped onto the ground leaving dried wax that seemed to outstretch the candle but would never reach home again. A makeshift rug had been made with strips of fabric that once had been a blanket. The makeshift rug had been placed in the center of the room, a barrier between the freezing stone flooring and one's feet. On top of the table was a small bowl filled with water either for drinking or bathing while a wooden hairbrush sat next to the bowl. Another candle had been placed on this table, the candle far less used than the nub that remained of the other. Towards the table on the right sat on the ground a small chest that contained clothes, toiletries, and any other item the small vixen was able to procure, which was not much. She had scrounged everything she owned, grateful that they now seemed to ignore her unless their anger got the better of them. No longer used as a dog's chew toy she had earned her role. After the brutal death of the previous caretaker, she was granted the role of caretaker of the residence, but to a home that did not want her.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Replied to ShinSoma
pretty much just experience for the MC, a stepping stone in another word
The stench of feces and decayed food filled the cages, and vomit and other bodily fluids seeped into the floor. Unlike her room, the cages were kept heated, making the bait smell up to high heaven. The scent makes it easier for the pups to track their prey. The entire room was filled top to bottom with 5x5 cages. Depending on how the family was feeling, some cages had only one person in them while others were cramped to see how many could fit in them. Fortunately, they just had a chase so most of the cages were empty. The ones who had survived were placed in individual cages, many chewed up from their ordeal. Whimpers filled the room as well as the labored breathing of others. The hunts were brutal and only when one more of the prey was left standing would the victor be allowed to either die by their own choice or be enslaved to the family. Their minds were lost from the horrors they had faced in the hunt. Most chose to die, refusing to be forced into slavery, and decided that death was the better option. Laverna had chosen life.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Replied to Derubin
You don't need to be a newbie reader, no one really likes walls of texts in a webnovel
The softest chirping of birds echoed through the tiny window, while the sun shone through the tiny slits in the wood that lit up the musty room. A rusty cot had been placed in the right corner of the room while a table with a stool sat on the left, and next to the cot was a broken nightstand. The contents on top of the nightstand were only a small mirror and a candlestick. A nub remained of a white candle that had burned through the night. Wax coated the smallholder and dripped onto the ground leaving dried wax that seemed to outstretch the candle but would never reach home again. A makeshift rug had been made with strips of fabric that once had been a blanket. The makeshift rug had been placed in the center of the room, a barrier between the freezing stone flooring and one's feet. On top of the table was a small bowl filled with water either for drinking or bathing while a wooden hairbrush sat next to the bowl. Another candle had been placed on this table, the candle far less used than the nub that remained of the other. Towards the table on the right sat on the ground a small chest that contained clothes, toiletries, and any other item the small vixen was able to procure, which was not much. She had scrounged everything she owned, grateful that they now seemed to ignore her unless their anger got the better of them. No longer used as a dog's chew toy she had earned her role. After the brutal death of the previous caretaker, she was granted the role of caretaker of the residence, but to a home that did not want her.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Replied to crobett
Denied.
'I should see if I can solve this for her as payment for teaching me how to read and write.' Shiro thought. She wasn't the type to repay hatred with 100 times the hatred. Nor was she one to repay kindness with 100 times the kindness.
Nanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl?
แฟนตาซี · Reili
HalfX2 years ago
Commented
that's the longest description I ever saw for a potential xp family
The stench of feces and decayed food filled the cages, and vomit and other bodily fluids seeped into the floor. Unlike her room, the cages were kept heated, making the bait smell up to high heaven. The scent makes it easier for the pups to track their prey. The entire room was filled top to bottom with 5x5 cages. Depending on how the family was feeling, some cages had only one person in them while others were cramped to see how many could fit in them. Fortunately, they just had a chase so most of the cages were empty. The ones who had survived were placed in individual cages, many chewed up from their ordeal. Whimpers filled the room as well as the labored breathing of others. The hunts were brutal and only when one more of the prey was left standing would the victor be allowed to either die by their own choice or be enslaved to the family. Their minds were lost from the horrors they had faced in the hunt. Most chose to die, refusing to be forced into slavery, and decided that death was the better option. Laverna had chosen life.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Commented
reading that character desc, reminded me of
Laverna softly yawned listening to the birds arise as she knew she must too. The soft click of the door could be heard as she got up and out of bed. A shiver ran through her spine as the chilled air graced her bare skin which the dark brown potato sack did not cover. Outstretching her arms she felt her spine crack and purred softly in delight. "It's the small things..." She thinks softly to herself before pushing off the cot. The female was rather small, only standing 5'2 and weighing only 115 pounds. Her long orange hair sat in tangles that fell down her back as the natural waves swayed in her movements as she moved toward her chest. Pulling it open, she smiles softly as the scent of lavender fills her nose. The drying petals were another small thing that seemed to bring her happiness. She carefully drew out another potato sack and pulled her night one off her and put the new one on. The scratchy material irritated her skin leaving small patches of red as she threw on a clean pair of undergarments as well.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Commented
What I'd recommend is split these massive walls of text to several smaller paragraphs, makes it both look much pleasing to the eye, and feels a lot better to read
The softest chirping of birds echoed through the tiny window, while the sun shone through the tiny slits in the wood that lit up the musty room. A rusty cot had been placed in the right corner of the room while a table with a stool sat on the left, and next to the cot was a broken nightstand. The contents on top of the nightstand were only a small mirror and a candlestick. A nub remained of a white candle that had burned through the night. Wax coated the smallholder and dripped onto the ground leaving dried wax that seemed to outstretch the candle but would never reach home again. A makeshift rug had been made with strips of fabric that once had been a blanket. The makeshift rug had been placed in the center of the room, a barrier between the freezing stone flooring and one's feet. On top of the table was a small bowl filled with water either for drinking or bathing while a wooden hairbrush sat next to the bowl. Another candle had been placed on this table, the candle far less used than the nub that remained of the other. Towards the table on the right sat on the ground a small chest that contained clothes, toiletries, and any other item the small vixen was able to procure, which was not much. She had scrounged everything she owned, grateful that they now seemed to ignore her unless their anger got the better of them. No longer used as a dog's chew toy she had earned her role. After the brutal death of the previous caretaker, she was granted the role of caretaker of the residence, but to a home that did not want her.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Replied to ShinSoma
Uhh, not sure about that
Shin nodded, smiling at the coachman. They shook hands after Shin rides the Carriage. Yuri and Shin waved farewell to one another as he is off to his first mission. The coachman introduces himself as "George Applebee". He stands at 6'0, has dark skin, wearing the Guild's Coachman Uniform. Shin Shin almost slipped his true name, but he corrected his name and said his other surname. George raised his eyebrow and didn't mind the quick mistake. Shin is in awe of the nice breeze of the outdoors. He can see meadows and plains with farms and even friendly travelers they meet. For a long while on their journey, they talk about the metal horses and how to ride them. George the coachman teaches Shin about how to drive the horses, giving him a chance to drive for a little while since their destination is around the border of Laginaple. That is where this 'illustrious' mystery family is located.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma
HalfX2 years ago
Commented
ride horses not drive horses (:
Shin nodded, smiling at the coachman. They shook hands after Shin rides the Carriage. Yuri and Shin waved farewell to one another as he is off to his first mission. The coachman introduces himself as "George Applebee". He stands at 6'0, has dark skin, wearing the Guild's Coachman Uniform. Shin Shin almost slipped his true name, but he corrected his name and said his other surname. George raised his eyebrow and didn't mind the quick mistake. Shin is in awe of the nice breeze of the outdoors. He can see meadows and plains with farms and even friendly travelers they meet. For a long while on their journey, they talk about the metal horses and how to ride them. George the coachman teaches Shin about how to drive the horses, giving him a chance to drive for a little while since their destination is around the border of Laginaple. That is where this 'illustrious' mystery family is located.
Master and Fox: A Tale of Forbidden Love, War, Honor, and Duty
แฟนตาซี · ShinSoma