Korraly

I only read the first little bit, but it had my heart aching in the right ways. I still want to see how MC grows, but I have a feeling deep within my heart it will be amazing. Love that strong...plus the emotional song I was listening to sold it for me.

It's funny to read this reaction due to one of my characters being named Amaryllis. They quite different people.

I...I couldn't get through the first paragraph. It's English, but the writing made me think it went through google translate. I really wanted to read the story, but I couldn't. I wish you the best of luck and hope to see grow as a writer. Regards, Korraly

Thanks so much for those kind words. More determined to get the next chapter out.

The Good: I saw writing improvements from the first three chapters starting at Chapter 4. I'm glad to see that your English writing skills are improving and you're finding a style of writing which works for you. I like the characterization of Logan and Daiman. I want to find out more about them and how they'll react to the Love Game. The Needs Improvement: The fact that the first three chapters are in 1st person and the following chapters are in 3rd person. That needs fixed. It was little shocking to go from 1st person to 3rd person all of a sudden. Another thing which needs to be addressed is the use of psychological conditions for descriptors. The book opens up with Madison describing herself as someone with antisocial disorder and later on she says she "feels the claustrophobia set in." It's risky and irresponsible to blatantly use these terms without treating them with the care that's required. These are complex conditions which need to be diagnosed by professionals. I don't mind if you want to have a character with these conditions, but you must show the readers that and not tell them they merely have those conditions. Conclusion: I wish you the best of luck in continuing this story. I hope you finish it and continue to improve on your abilities as a good writer.