Faith

Hey

This is Bella. I never thought I would end up writing something like this. This, I never expected to happen but it is happening now. I should have started writing here a long time ago, so sorry for that. Anyways though I am late but still I have to let out this somehow, somewhere. I need to speak. I need to share my thoughts because this is killing me inside.

But not to a person because I cannot take any indiscretions or judgments anymore. They will tell me to let it go and I already know that. But I cannot, it is not that easy how it seems to be. It is not simple. It has never been simple. So here I am.

This often happens to us humans. We seem to be strong from outside but I think we are not. We are just mere emotional beings. At least not me when it comes to something that I treasured from my heart. This is something you can't forget. These are not wounds but scars. So here I am writing to you without worrying about being judged or judging someone.

I know I am being selfish, self centered but I am one of those people who are inexpressive. I am not like those who share everything with their friends or family; to be more precise I do not trust people that quickly. Even if I do, I take my time to understand and study the person. I do not know why but I guess that is the reason I do not get along with everyone out there, but a very few of them. Though I share a lot of things with my mother, this time it is a totally different situation. That is why I chose you as a medium, my diary. I can't deny that.

What should I call you?

Yes, 'Faith' it is.

Now you are the closest to me and I can say that a hundred times that I trust you. It's a little cliché, I know, but isn't it what it ought to be?

My Mom said we should never make decisions that we will regret later. She said making decisions recklessly would only harm us at the end. However, we never know where it will lead us to until we try it. There are moments when you think that you are taking the right decision, you are meeting the right person, being with the right person but then suddenly everything changes. Then you don't even know which wrong stone did you stepped on. Well sometimes, we know the ending but we still push ourselves into it so much that you can't come back.

Apparently, for me the decision was not the problem but the aftermath.

I thought I am one of the lucky ones to have a person like him. I and Chris have had a relationship for the past two years now. I know it no longer has any meaning. In fact I should not even think about it. Well it sounds so easy but deep inside I know this is actually not how it seems to be. I guess it's the same for him as well or maybe not? 

Moreover, a relationship which lasted for more than two years should not have ended in that way. All we want in a relationship is happiness. It needs to be strong without any exterior support. We are the one who needs to grow it into something healthy and beautiful.

We all have some expectations from a particular relationship but the issue is if we or the other person is able to fulfill them. Sometimes things do not go the way you want. Even if I gave my best and believed it will stay as it was in the beginning, it still ended. We cannot and will never be able to predict the future, can we?

Still I am not satisfied with myself, with this ending! All those things that I did on my part, were they just for the namesake? Why do I have no explanation to what exactly happened with me? Now all I have is some mixed feelings. I feel abandoned, sorry, unhappy and maybe free as if a huge baggage is been removed from my back and yet I am unsatisfied. 

It seems like nothing happened to me as I have a smile plastered on my face every moment. I have no other way but to cover it up, for myself. But I am not fine at all.

All this mess started with that phone call. I wish I had never answered that. I regret it every time.

I still remember, my friend called me that afternoon and said she wants me to meet someone. At first I was not even sure if I should go. But then I decided to try it once.

I would not say my decision was wrong. I was happy, actually more than happy. That is why when it ended so suddenly I was broken into pieces. It has been disastrous to me.

The most tragic thing is when he sent back my things. I did not even wanted to see them again, but the urge to know if he still got something back with him, drove me towards it. I checked them and surprisingly there was not a single thing he forgot to pack me back. Did he never appreciate those things, those instants? Is it just me who has been cherishing them until this moment? Was I being a fool to believe whatever he ever said or did to me? How could he be so different now? How did things ended up this way in between us?

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