Regret does

Ch 6 - Regret does

I remember the time before I confessed.

How I'd get dismissed before him and I'd wait for him and go to the bus together.

The first time I caught him after class and he looked so hopeful that I'd end up going home with him on the bus and the tiny victory pump he did when I checked my phone and ended up telling him I could do it.

God I genuinely laughed after that.

I don't know how to describe it.

He doesn't smile much. Talk, laugh. Not with me anyway.

My friend tells me he used to be much more cheerful. Less depressed the way he was right now but I was the same and things changed. I can't blame him.

But that's fine. I don't mind.

Because it's like heaven when he does laugh, smile. There was once he'd gone up and widened his eyes in front of me.

He laughed. He was smiling. I could see the curve in his eyes.

It was the closest his eyes had ever been to me. It was the first time I realised. Fuck, his eyes are so pretty.

I don't know why I never noticed before. He looks at me a lot. When we're talking. And I don't particularly like looking into people's eyes like that. It's awkward, I can't stand it.

But for his sake it was worth it.

I don't know why I never noticed before.

When he's happy… he's genuinely happy.

And that's all that matters.

When he's happy, I can't stop the laughter that bubbles up my throat and I'm over the moon the way he is.

The way I'd wait for him after class because I was always miraculously dismissed earlier than him.

There was once he got dismissed earlier and assumed I left without him.

When I left the class and couldn't find him. The anxiety I almost forgot existed surfaced.

The abandonment issues I hadn't addressed in a while waved in greeting.

I was on the verge of tears. I recall.

The panic when I peeked into his classroom and found that no one was there.

I wanted to text him. Ask him why he didn't wait for me.

But I thought better and believed that he had extra classes.

He didn't. I found the courage to text him.

He thought I left without him.

Am I that bad of a person?

To leave without telling him would be a terrible move so why would he think I'd do that to him?

The following week I confessed to him and we've missed each other on the way to the bus every single motherfucking time.

I wonder if it's deliberate.

At this point… should I even be surprised?

I saw him go out with his friends through his friend's fucking status.

He didn't even think it'd be important enough to tell me but I guess we aren't that close anyways.

The only time we ever talk is online.

What a fool I've made of myself thinking I was worth a single thing to him outside of that.

What a fool for me to think that he was like me. No friends.

Gods with how close he is with one of his other friends. Holding hands, touching, laughing.

If I didn't like him so I'd actually tease him about it.

They're so close and cute and perfect for each other I'm shipping them even when I like him.

More perfect than I'd ever be for him.

After all, who'd love a broken doll when a perfectly fine, limited edition one stood far closer to them, right?

What a fool I was to think I'd ever stand a chance with all the people in his life.

I don't like regretting the things I do.

I like living with the consequences. No time to think of what ifs. Only looking to the future and nothing else.

So I don't regret.

No matter what I do I've never regretted.

But I can't help but wish I never said anything to him.

I can't help but think we'd be like before if I just never said a thing.

Never fell in love.

Hell I can't even call it love because I'm scared what it's be like to love someone and I don't want to accept the fact that I may have fallen in love with someone.

How nice is it to feel that love is beautiful.

Because all I get from love is heartbreak.

And I'd rather never love and never lost than to love and have lost.

It's easier to live your entire life not knowing the taste of honey than to have a lick of it and nothing more for the rest of your pathetic life.

But somehow… I wish I could have felt what it'd be like in a genuine relationship.

Not the one I had with someone online.

Where he manipulated me and gave me anxiety and breakdowns 4 times in a week.

But someone I've met. Someone I could feel, see.

Someone I might have loved and been happy with and laughed and made better memories than my online relationship.

But relationships are like friendships but with more of the anxiety paired with it.

Was what I thought when I had a terrible friends circle that shamed me for being everything I was and I'm in so much of a better friends circle now.

But every time I think of what it would've been like if we were together, my brain reinforces that thought.

Because what am I without my anxiety and suicidal thoughts and dark beliefs? What am I if I was allowed to be happy and innocent and naive? Would I even be me at that point?

I'm too scared to find the answer so I let my thoughts be thoughts and the wish to confess in five more months will never be allowed to come back.

God I don't even know if we'll end up as friends after this.

I hope he doesn't leave I really do.

I staked so much into this I don't want to see another one of my friendships break again.

I'm so tired.

I wonder why my friend was so surprised when I was sad after getting rejected.

Isn't it normal?

Maybe it's because I didn't tell him I've been liking him since 3 years ago.

Maybe it's because he doesn't know how close we are and how close I was… how close I was to having him love me the way I loved him.

Maybe it's because I had so much pent up feelings but I had to play it and be strong in front of my friend and him.

Because I couldn't cry when he said no when my friend was around and I couldn't feel anything after because she was staying over at mine and I felt like shit and I didn't know who to cry to or tell this to so I kept it all inside.

And my friend talked to me and I realised. Hey maybe he likes me because his friend technically asked me out for him that one time.

And I was feeling reckless, and sad, and tired and I just wanted someone to love me.

I was guilty for lying to him and playing with his feelings like that.

But I was too tired to care.

And it's not like it worked out anyway so it doesn't matter.

I realised how dumb that idea was after I woke up and my emotions reseted.

And all the pent up feelings just piled as I went on with life because of the vaccine and the pain I suffered with it.

And I didn't know who to talk to or tell my anxieties to because it'd be too real to say this to my online friends.

And I didn't have any close friends other than the guy I confessed to in real life.

And I couldn't talk to my parents.

And I was just so alone.

I just want someone to take to. To spill this all out to but it's like the closer I get to someone the less I tell them and honestly, I'd rather say this to a stranger because at least I wouldn't have to face the consequences of seeing them again and having the thought that they're judging me afterwards.

And I just wish someone would understand.

But no one ever will.