You're Angry

Startled, I opened the door for him before going into my room to change. When I grabbed my bag, Matteo calmly took my arm and walked me out to the car.

"You've got time, Shey," he said. "You won't be late."

I nodded and consciously had to slow down.

Andie pulled up as Matteo helped me out of the car. She unlocked the door and I gave Matteo a hug before following her inside.

I was on register a lot today, so I made sure I studied all the different buttons to see if I could remember how to use them. We only had a few customers this morning, but I waved at Patrick when he came in. Something in his energy field caught my eye and I left the register long enough to ask him about it.

"How are you processing, Shey?" Patrick asked, as I stepped into his office doorway.

"Okay, I guess. I haven't really noticed a lot yet."

"That's fine."

"Patrick, I wanted to ask you something."

"About?"

"An image in your energy field. There's a lot of blood and darkness. Faces come and go from the darkness."

"You're seeing more of my past," he sighed. "I don't have time to explain it now, but I will soon. What time are you off today?"

"4:30pm."

"Okay. Best get back out there I don't want to get you into trouble."

"Alright."

I left Patrick's office and returned to the register. The image startled me. It seemed too dark for someone as kind as Patrick. I learned a few more of my co-workers names today. There was a very sweet older lady with silver hair named Lana, and a middle aged blonde called Jacks. There were a few others whose names I still needed to learn but they were on vacation until the following week. I felt more confident in talking with customers and co-workers today, but I was still missing so much of myself.

Patrick's last client left just after three and he stayed in his office until I clocked out at 4:30pm. I knocked on his open door before coming in.

"Patrick?"

"Shanna. Have a seat." He motioned to the couch before closing the door. "I hope you take what I say as calmly as you had the first time. The only thing I ask is that you not share what I tell you now with anyone else. Not even Matteo."

I nodded.

Patrick explained why I saw darkness and blood, not only of what had happened to him when he was younger, but also explaining that I had a gift to see the energy in addition to being able to feel it.

"Is there anything I can do to help you with it?" I asked.

"I'm not sure."

I nodded.

"I should let you go. Matteo might be waiting for you."

"Patrick. Can we meet tomorrow at nine? I would like to review some of the Kinesiology books I own."

"What time do you work tomorrow?"

"Not until 11am."

"It will make for a long day. Are you up to it?"

"If the Kinesiology was important enough to me to take as many classes as those books represent then I need to do something to get it back—long day or not."

"Okay. I'll meet you at 9am."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Shanna."

I gave him a brief hug then left the office with him.

Matteo sat on the soft chair just outside his door. "Another balance?" he asked.

"No. Just trying to get a few more answers about myself," I replied.

"Alright."

"We'll see you tomorrow at 9am for study, Shanna."

"9am."

Matteo took my hand and we left. His energy felt agitated. I guess I really hadn't noticed it until Patrick mentioned that I felt energy.

"Are you doing alright, Matteo?" I asked before we got to the car.

"Just fine, Shey. How was work?"

"It was good. I was able to relearn the register alright."

"That's good."

"How was work for you?"

"Somewhat busy. I was given a manuscript from someone who wants to be published. There are a lot of fantastical things that happen and come out of nowhere. Reminds me of some of your earliest writing."

I nodded.

He was trying to hide something. His energy was becoming more and more agitated as we drove to my place.

"Are you sure you're okay, Matteo? You're energy feels a little agitated."

Matteo sighed, but didn't look at me. "I'm a little bothered about the delay your accident has caused. We were going to get married a week from now. And now… I just don't know."

"I'm really sorry, Matteo. But nothing I do is triggering any sort of memory. I feel blank, empty of experience. If this truly is my life then hopefully the memories will return soon."

He nodded and brushed aside a tear that started to fall.

We didn't talk for the rest of the drive. Once we were parked in the driveway, Matteo got out and went into his parents' house. Slowly, I got out of the car and went down into my basement apartment. My stub ached more now and I applied more Comfrey ointment to it. Then I sat at the table and called Nancy back. I apologized for the delay in returning her call and scheduled an appointment for her two weeks out—hoping that would be enough time to know enough about the Kinesiology material to work.

I had just decided to call my mother when Matteo came in.

'Well, it's about time you called.'

"I apologize, Mother. I've been occupied."

"Shey, hang up," Matteo said.

'Is he there with you?'

"He is."

'That no good son of bitch. Why did you let him take you away from me? I was taking care of you. You had a good life here Shanna.'

"Matteo is nothing like that, Mother. Why do you hate him so much?"

Matteo set his hand over mine, but I refused to let him take the phone.

'He changed you. You were never the same after you brought him home.'

"Was I happy living with you?"

Matteo shook his head and tightened his hold on my hand.

'Yes. Quite happy. You did as you were told, never got into trouble. Until Matteo came.'

"And what if I was meant to be with Matteo?"

'Then you can enjoy rotting in hell with that bastard. You shouldn't have left me, Shanna. I love you.' Her mother was crying.

"Love doesn't always mean staying together, Mother."

My mother was silent, but I could feel the rage boiling through the phone before the line disconnected. I lowered my phone then hung up.

"Why did you call her?" Matteo asked.

"Why wouldn't I call her? She's my mother."

"She's a task master, Shey. She made you miserable. That is why you moved out here."

"I don't remember that, Matteo. How in the world am I to remember anything if I can't experience things enough to try and trigger the memories?!"

"You're angry again. You're always angry after talking with your mother."

I let out an exasperated sigh and went into my bedroom. I wouldn't get anywhere this way. My "fiancé" was upset with me because I could not remember anything. My job, my knowledge of herbs and the Kinesiology were gone from my mind, if that really is what I had learned. My mother tells me I was happy before I met Matteo. But how could I be happy with anything when everything that I am "supposed to remember" is all foreign?

I lay on my bed and buried my face behind my left arm. I thought of the boys that represented my masculine energy. I had retarded their growth when I was young. Quite young. But for what reason? I lay there for a long time, trying to recall, to remember at least something. But nothing ever came.

Matteo knocked on my bedroom door. "Shey?"

I didn't respond.

"Shey, dinner is ready if you'd like to come eat."

I rolled over to my back. Matteo was even more agitated than before. If he walked away because he was frustrated with my lack of remembering, how would he react now that my having called my mother had upset him more? Letting out a sigh, I left my room and entered the kitchen. Matteo sat at the table with a plate of food in front of him. Another plate for me sat in front of the chair next to him. He trailed his fork through the pasta and his head was bowed.

He looked up when I sat.

"Thank you for making dinner, Matteo," I said.

"You're welcome, Shey. Are you feeling any calmer?"

I shook my head. "I'm not angry because I called my mother. I'm just frustrated that I'm expected to remember a life I can't recall living."

"Did you work on it with Patrick at all?"

"A piece of it, but it hasn't done much good so far."

"Are any new thoughts coming to mind?" Matteo asked.

"New as in possible memories? No."

Matteo nodded.

We ate in silence. He washed the dishes then left me with a kiss on the cheek.