Double McGuffin Fakeout

"It's go time, baby." Cole stated as the elevators reached the Hollow, a system of tunnels dug out by near mythical creatures known as Riftworms.

10 miles long and half a mile wide, the Riftworms burrowed the numerous tunnels through the crust of Sera, and their feces spawned the various subterranean species of this hardcore planet. The Locust Horde worshipped the three known Riftworms as gods, their religion called the Trinity of Worms. From the shit of the great worms all life on Sera rose up, including the imulsion.

That liquid fungi was the source of the planet's greatness and its pain. Imulsion makes for some mean fuel, and like all great resources, wars are fought over it. The Coalition of Organized Governments and the Union of Independent Republics launched an eighty year war that claimed millions of lives over the stuff, all the while it infected the people until it created the lethal disease, Rustlung. On the road to the cure the amoral science team created the Sires, which they used to create the Locust, who would eventually evolve into a hive mind race called the Scions because the scientist who made them went full god complex and coded them to be able to survive extinction events by rapidly adapting and overcoming the threat.

Its like the fucking krogan on steroids, and I now had that power five times over.

Me gusta.

Basically the Locust needed to be wiped out violently, because if someone tried to Genophage them they'd be over it within twenty five years, not the thousand it took the krogan. That is why the Lightmass Offensive is so important, not just because humanity is losing, but because the longer the conflict lasts the stronger the Locust become.

"Grunt." Marcus called me over, "You, me, and Dom are going to clear the path ahead while Cole and Baird defend the Resonator."

"Nice." Baird and Cole high fived over not having to do jack shit for now.

"Fuck, man." Dom cursed, "Being underground like this gives me the creeps."

"It helps when you can see in the dark and have over a hundred years of memories navigating this place." I told him.

"How the fuck does that work exactly?" Dom questioned me as we marched.

"Basically, my species can get so drunk and fuck so good that reality can't handle it. Gapes open its sphincter and shits us out somewhere else so it doesn't have to deal with our mind blowing sexual prowess." I explained. "We adapt to the new universe by eating whoever we land on."

"That sounds like absolute bullshit." He countered.

"Some guys explode, combust, flat line, or just pass out, but the rare few become interdimensional gods who can rend reality itself with their cocks. That's what happened to me by the way. Unless this is the afterlife and I blew up on top of Jack."

"Okay." Dom sighed, "Say I accept that you have the ultra cock of destiny, why is Jack here too."

"She's half the equation, dude." I told him, "A man can't do his best work unless he has a hellcat in the sack with him."

"I have trouble getting it up when they are all crying and shit." Marcus grumbled.

"Why the fuck are the people sleeping with you crying, dude?" Dom cocked his head at his partner.

"I'm a warrior, Dom." Marcus answered.

A terrified shiver went up my spine as I looked at the ex-inmate. Maybe Hoffman was right to leave this guy in prison. No, he was definitely right.

Fortunately the pair of them slipped on a shallow stream of water moving down the side of the tunnel and took a ride down the slope like a waterslide.

"Incoming!" I yelled as they scrambled to get away in time.

"God damnit." Marcus grunted and activated his short range radio, "Baird, we hit a problem. You and Cole are going to have to find an alternate route."

"I could get us back up pretty easy." I told him.

"How?" Marcus asked.

"I'd carry you." I answered.

"Yeah, Baird, you definitely need to find that alternate route." Marcus radioed again.

As we walked ahead I saw a weak point in the floor.

"Collapse risk up ahead." I said as I stopped.

"You say something, Grunt? Dom asked as he continued ahead and collapsed the floor.

"Dom!" Marcus screamed and then dived in after him.

"Head first!" I shouted, "Why?"

After the sound of beefy guys bouncing around stone walls stopped I yelled down to them.

"Ya'll still alive?"

"Nah. We're dead." Dom snarked.

"If you don't move over you soon will be!" I yelled then jumped down the tunnel myself.

"Fuck traveling with you guys is a blast." I told them.

"Yeah, everything about this mission has been just so much fun." Marcus's tone dripped with sarcasm.

"Got you out of prison." Dom noted.

"That it did." Marcus nodded.

The path forward led us to an imulsion lake. Why the hell these people fought a war over this shit is mind boggling. It is fucking everywhere down here.

From our left came the thunderous pounding of a full grown Corpser moving through the tunnels.

"Ah, fuck." Marcus growled.

"No worries, I got this." I grinned as I took up the Hammer of Might.

"Dude, that thing is going to take a whole lot more than your edgy sledgehammer to take down." Dom stated coolly.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." I smirked then charged the big spider centipede hybrid monster.

My demon powered warhammer met the scaly hide of the Corpse in a deafening collision that caused the beast to real back.

"That all you got you big bitch!" I shouted and hit it again, this time causing it to flee.

"Damn thing is smarter than most." I commented when I got back to the gaping maws of Marcus and Dom.

"Did that just happen?" Dom asked in shock.

"Yeah." I told him, "I do shit like this all the time."

A bit farther down the tunnel we saw Baird and Cole across the imulsion lake.

"Sun is coming up soon!" Marcus shouted, "Let's get moving with that Resonator!"

We came upon a more developed section of the tunnels and heard the hissing 'Hostiles' of a Theron Guard alerting his teammates of our presence. They were holed up on a mining structure and just looking for the chance to bring those Torque Bows they trained with so much into play. Dumb bastards didn't know they were in a duel with the Torque Bow King.

I put an explosive arrow into the chest of one of the Guards when he leaned out of cover briefly and the fight was on. His upper torso blew into chunks all over the drones he was leading, lowering their moral and making them easy pickings as they lost a key piece of their command structure. The others I outmaneuvered, knowing their steps and plays better than they ever could. They ate buckshot point blank wondering how the fuck I was so far ahead of them.

"Nice work, baby!" Cole shouted as he and Baird caught up to us.

The techy set up the Sonic Resonator to go off and map the tunnels for the attack while the rest of us worked on restoring power to a nearby lift.

"Am I the only one pissed that we didn't know about this fucking elevator shaft?" I asked, "We were some rope away from skipping all that walking."

"I am just happy we have an easy way out." Dom reminded us to be thankful.

We made it out to the surface to see the sun rise before the Resonator went off and unleashed a blue wave of sound that travelled throughout the tunnels and blew us off our asses.

"Holy shit!" I said as I got up, "The fuck were we going to do if that elevator wasn't there."

Not that anyone could hear me as their ears were all ringing.

Marcus reported our success and just after the team collapsed in weary heaps Colonel Hoffman radioed it to tell us the resonator didn't accomplish jack shit. It was a boondoggle!

Then Baird revealed that he found some other McGuffin to deliver us from this sticky situation. It was a double McGuffin Fakeout.

Classic Baird.