7. Driving Miss Hazy

Driving Miss Hazy

Today, Laney was doing something completely different. She was in kitchen washing dishes. She placed all the clean plates and bowls in nice stacks. And while she was placing the last stack of plates she was jumped by sound her sister Lucy.

Lucy: Hey Laney.

Laney: AAH! [she threw the plates up in the air and ending up juggling them as they landed, she slipped on a splash of water and fell breaking the plates] Oh dear...

Lucy: So what's your excuse?

Laney: [stands up] Well, tomorrow's Liam's birthday party and since Lori is the only sibling who's old enough to drive, I asked her if she can drive me to his house. She said she will If I do the dishes. [sees the broken dishes on the floor] Though, something tells me I might be a little late.

Lucy: Why would you go to some kid's birthday party anyway?

Laney: I heard he has a bounce house. I've never bounced on one before, but it's sounds fun! What about you?

Lucy: I wrote a poem for Lori's ten week anniversary for taking me to the cemetery. It's called "Bobby".

Lucy: [clears throat]

"Bobby, I thought you were a stalker

When you left brownies in my locker

Bobby-"

Laney: Uh. That's very nice Lucy. [sighs] I'm going to Lori's room. Perhaps I can make it before Liam opens his presents.

She walks upstairs to Lori's room, and finds Lincoln talking to his dumb blonde sister Leni. She continues to walk to Lori when Lincoln notices her.

Lincoln: Where you going Laney?

Laney: I was seeing if Lori can take me to Liam's house. Maybe she has something that doesn't involve anything breaking. [picks a piece of a broken plate out of her hair] Ow.

Lincoln: What if I told you that there was a way to drive you anywhere you want to go, without doing any medial task?

Laney: I'm listening.

Later, Laney, Lincoln, and Leni were in the living room playing Total Turbo XXII. Hoping it will teach Leni how to drive.

[Lincoln puts the game into the console and gives Leni the steering wheel controller]

Leni: Wow! It's just like a real spinny thingy!

Lincoln: Technically, it's called a steering wheel. So, you ready to get started?

Leni: WAIT! I need my special driving outfit! [changes into her special driving outfit and makes a couple of poses]

Lincoln: Great. So, can we get sta-

Leni: WAIT! I need my special driving smoothie! [makes a smoothie and takes a sip] It's a soy pumpkin cookie crumble cream. It's seasonal!

Lincoln: Great. So, now can we-

Leni: Wait!

Lincoln: [exasperated] What is it now?

Leni: Aren't you gonna open the door for me? [takes another sip of her smoothie]

Lincoln: [sighs and pretends to open a car door with the sofa as the car] Click! Creak!

Leni: What a gentleman. [sits down]

[The game starts and Leni's image is the player]

Laney: Nice looking avatar.

Leni: Aw. Thanks! Wait, what's an avatar?

Lincoln: Okay, all you have to do is keep the steering wheel straight, and you'll-

[As soon as Leni starts playing, she crashes into the wall and the game is over]

Leni: Like that?

Lincoln: Um...let's try again.

[Leni chooses to continue]

Lincoln: Just keep the wheel straight.

[Leni crashes again]

Lincoln: Okay, one more time.

[Leni continues]

Lincoln: The road is straight, so keep the wheel straight.

[Leni crashes again and her virtual self jumps out of the car and it explodes, resulting in yet another game over]

Lincoln: [irritated by his sister's incompetence] Leni! You have to stay on the road!

Leni: [tosses controller in frustration] But, what's the point? We're not going anywhere fun!

Laney: Let's move this along... [clears throat] Actually Leni, were going to the mall.

Leni: [gasps and takes controller back] Why didn't you say so?

Game announcer: GAME ON!

[This time, Leni plays the game like a pro with words of praise such as "Good!", "Holy Cow!" and "Dang, Girl!" appear on-screen]

Lincoln: Wow! Go, Leni!

Laney: I may be shy, but I am smart.

Leni: [her player stuck behind a Sunday driver] Move it, slowpoke! Mama needs a new driving dress! [drives off a billboard and moves ahead; gets to the mall at the end of the level and beats Lincoln's high score]

Lincoln: [amazed] That was incredible!

Leni: [has her virtual self punch an old lady] Outta my way, granny!

Lincoln: Easy there fast and furious. [takes away controller]

Leni: BUT I HAVE TO GET TO THE MALL!

Lincoln: The mall can wait. You've got a driving test to pass. [Leni grins and heads out the door] Go, Leni, go! Go, Leni, go! [notices Leni went in the wrong direction] Wait! The bus stop is that way! [Leni turns around and heads the other way] Go, Leni, go! Go, Leni, go!

Moments later, Leni was escorted back home by a cop. You can tell things did not go well. The cop handed citations labeled "Crazy Mall Chick", "Incident Report", "Forgot the speed limit", "What are "blinky blinks"?", "Hijacked test vehicle", "Assaulted Instructor Jelinski", and "NOTE: Culprit is dangerous". Mrs. Jelinski was in the police car yelling at Leni for her maniacal driving.

Leni: It's not fair! When I did all that in the game, I won! You guys need to get your rules straight! [heads upstairs]

Laney: [sighs] Well, thanks for trying Lincoln. But I guess there are some people who just can't be taught. [also heads upstairs]

Lincoln: B-B-But wait! This can still work.

Laney and Leni had already left upstairs. Then Lori appeared from the dining room after hearing everything that happened.

Lori: Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. That's your plan? Teaching Leni to drive? She can't even drive a lawnmower.

[flashback to when Leni tried mowing the lawn]

Leni: [panicking] AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! [drives the mower through the hedges; flashback ends]

Lori: Trust me. You're gonna fail. You and Leni both. Now, where's Lynn. She owes me a pedicure. [looks for Lynn]

Lincoln: This isn't over yet. [shakes fist]

Lincoln was determined to teach Leni how to drive. He went to Lori and Leni's room to see Leni going back to literally making Lori's bed.

Lincoln: Hey, Leni. [amazed at how she's doing] What are you doing?

Leni: Going back to making Lori's bed.

Lincoln: Nice craftsmanship. But you can't give up on driving. It was my fault you didn't pass the test.

Leni: Maybe I'm just not meant to be behind the spinny thingy. You know?

Lincoln: No. See, my video game approach was all wrong. Let me try a different method. [holds up an instruction manual]

Lincoln has set up a pretend car test for Leni to practice on.

Lincoln: Okay, lesson one: preparing to drive.

[enter Lynn with a sanding tool]

Lynn: Ah, you're teaching Leni to drive? Score! Can I help? I'm sick of sanding Lori's calluses! Ugh, barf! [tosses tool away]

Lincoln: Thanks, Lynn!

Lucy: [out of nowhere] Me too. [Lincoln and Leni scream at her appearance] I can't write another poem for Bobby. I've run out of words that rhyme with 'babe'.

Lincoln: [chuckles nervously] Thanks, Lucy...

[suddenly, all of the other sisters come in wanting to help Leni learn to drive and get out of doing tasks for Lori]

Lola: I can help!

Luna: I'll help! I'll help!

Luan: Me, too! I wanna help!

Lana: Me me me me!

Lisa: I can be of assistance.

[enter Laney with a feather duster]

Laney: Are we seriously doing this again? Haven't we already established that Leni can't drive, and she can't be taught! I want no part of this!

Luna: C'mon dudette. You wanna bounce at that party don't ya?

Laney: Well I do, but...

Lana: And all this work for an escort is really getting tiring.

Laney: Um...

Luan: C'mon Lanes, you can't be mad at Leni 'cause she drived you crazy. [laughs]

Luna: All were sayin' is give Leni a chance.

The kids came up to stubborn Laney and they all smiled at her with hopes in their eyes.

Laney: Promise this will go well?

Lincoln: Trust me Laney, this time my plan is foolproof.

Laney: As long as the fool doesn't crash and burn like last time. [sighs] What have I got to lose?

Lincoln: Great! Now guys, we need to set it up like a real car. [They gather up some of their things and do as Lincoln told them] Thanks, guys! Luna's bass drum is the brake. And Luan's whoopee cushion is the accelerator. [puts foot on them to demonstrate their uses]

Luan: Accelerator? Don't you mean gas? [chuckles] Get it?

Lincoln: This golf club's the gear shift. The wreath is the steering wheel. Car horn, turn signal, and...oh! These keys... [grabs Lily's baby toy keys] ...are, well...the keys. Got all that?

[the others smile in hope]

Leni: [obviously confused] ...Sure.

Others: GREAT!

Lincoln: Okay, first, fasten your seat belt.

[Lola puts some of her beauty pageant sashes on them to simulate the seat belts]

Leni: That was easy.

Lincoln: Next, check your mirrors.

Leni: [panicking] Why? Do I look bad?

Lincoln: No, no, no, no. I meant-

Leni: [runs off] Stop the car! I can't drive in this hideous condition!

[everyone else groans; Leni comes back now wearing a helmet]

Leni: That's better.

Lincoln: [sighs] Lesson 12: Avoiding road hazards. There's a squirrel in the road. What do you do?

[Lily walks in dressed in a squirrel costume and makes squirrel chatter sounds; Leni gets out of her side and screams in horror; eventually, it seems hopeless as the others seem to have already given up]

Lincoln: Use your turn signal! [Leni taps Luna's drum] No, that's the brake! [Leni taps Luan's whoopee cushion] No, that's the gas! [Leni slaps him] No, that's my face! [points to ladle] This! This is the turn signal!

Leni: Oh! You mean the blinky blink?

Lincoln: [discombobulated] The blinky blink?

Leni: Yeah. It's right by the spinny thingy. [points to wreath]

Lincoln: The spinny... [realizes] Wait a minute! Laney, what exactly did you say to Leni last time?

Laney: I said we were going to the mall.

Lincoln: That's the problem! I haven't been speaking Leni!

Leni: There's a country named after me?

Lincoln: No. I mean, I haven't been using words you understand. Let me try again. Use the blinky blink. [Leni nods with a rattle sound effect and flips the blinky blink] Good. Now turn left. [Leni doesn't know] I mean, turn to your good side. [Leni gets it and turns to her good side] Now we're getting somewhere! Hey, crew, we're gonna need some new car parts.

So the kids replaced everything with shoes and boots, things only Leni understands.

Lincoln: This is a break pedal. What does the break pedal do? [Leni doesn't know] White shoes after Labor Day!

Leni: Ew, stop!

Lincoln: Exactly.

Luan: [takes back her whoopee cushion] I gas you won't be needing this. [chuckles]

[Lola scowls painfully at Luan's pun and hands Lincoln a Go-Go boot]

Lincoln: This is the gas pedal. What does the gas pedal do? [Leni doesn't know] Boots from the 60's.

Leni: Go-Go!

Lincoln: Yes! Leni, I think you're ready for the next level!

Later Leni's skills were put to the test as she was on lawnmower.

Lincoln: Remember what we practiced, Leni!

Leni: Go-go boot! [accelerates] White shoe! [stops for a squirrel to pass] Go-go boot! [accelerates; heading for the hedges]

Siblings: [worried what might happen] Whoa! Watch out!

Leni: Good side! [turns left in the nick of time]

[Everyone starts cheering for her]

Lincoln: She's doing it! Yeah, nice job, Leni!

Leni: I'm doing it!

[Meanwhile, Lori has to do her laundry herself]

Lori: Stupid jeggings! [pulls them through the door only for them to fall on top of her] Where is everybody? LYNN! I'M STILL WAITING ON THAT PEDICURE!

She suddenly hears the others cheering outside and finds out that Leni has improved so much, that she can now sign her name on the lawn!

Lori: I'm not giving up the car keys that easily...

That night...

Lincoln: Night, Leni! You're gonna do great tomorrow! [leaves]

Leni: Night, Lincoln! Night, Lori!

[Lori is fast asleep; Leni puts on her sleeping mask and reaches for the lamp switch]

Lori: Click.

Leni: Got it! [goes to sleep]

Lori was determined to make sure she is the only sibling who can drive. So she slips a fake driving instruction tape over Leni's ears to ensure that she will be doomed to fail.

Recording: Never check your mirrors. Always comment on your driving instructor's weight. In America, we drive on the left side of the road.

Lori goes back to bed with a sinister grin on her face with Leni being none the wiser. The next day, Lincoln was waiting for Leni to get back from her driving test, unaware of what happened last night. Lori came by with her load of jeggings, confident about her nasty trick.

Lori: Ah! There you are! Don't you need a ride to the comic book store? And lavender sheets. Don't forget. [hands him jeggings]

Lincoln: No, thanks. [hands jeggings back] I think I'll wait for Leni to get back from taking her driving test, with her new license.

Lori: Pssht. She's not gonna pass. Now, get to washing. [passes jeggings]

Lincoln: [passes back] Actually, I'm pretty sure she will pass.

Lori: No she won't. Because I made sure of it.

Lincoln: [shocked at what Lori just said] Wait. What?

Lori: Nothing!

Lincoln: Oh, no, you don't! [grabs a sweater with a wolf howling at the full moon] So help me, Lori, I will shrink your favorite Bobby sweater in the dryer if you don't tell me what you-

Lori: [admitting defeat] STOP! FINE! [grabs sweater and puts it on] I might have sabotaged Leni by giving her bad driving instructions while she slept, but it's just because if Leni can drive, my room will never be clean and no one will ever need me for anything ever again! [Gets sadder near the end]

Lincoln: Are you crazy, woman?! What if your bad driving instructions make Leni crash? What if she gets hurt?

Lori: I didn't think of that...

Lincoln: We gotta get to the DMV!

Lori busts out the keys. Then the two were driving to the DMV to find Leni not totally hurt.

Lori: [relieved] Oh, thank goodness, she's okay.

Lincoln: [still hopeful] And maybe she passed!

Unfortunately, the same cop from before arrives meaning only one thing...

Cop: No, she did not! She did, however, drive on the wrong side of the road, neglected to check her mirrors and commented on the driving instructor's weight!

Lori: [gets in the van; heartbroken] Well, that makes 14. Guess I'll have to drive a lawnmower forever.

Lincoln: Look, Leni. It wasn't your fault.

Leni: Yes, it was. You worked so hard to help me pass. You even learned to speak Leni. Which I still can't believe there's a country named after me. [sighs] I blew it. I was just thinking about all the fun places I would drive us to. The mall, the comic book store, the mall...I'm sorry I let you down.

[As Leni laments at her failure, Lori feels extremely guilty for her follies]

Lori: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! It was my fault! I sabotaged your test.

Leni:: [not knowing the meaning of the word] Sabo...tage?

Lincoln: It's like she went and bought the dress she knew you wanted.

Leni: [gasps] HOW COULD YOU?!

Lori: I'm really sorry, Leni. But I know how to make it up to you.

Leni: [excited] You'll buy me the dress?! [Lincoln and Lori facepalm at her taking Lincoln's example literally]

Lincoln: It was really nice of you to help Leni practice for her next test.

Lori: [a little shaken] It's the least I could do.

[Leni has driven the van into a swimming pool, having forgotten all she learned from Lincoln's training]

Leni: Is this the carpool lane?