Jaded

I woke up in a panic; the room around me taking time to reform itself to its truth. The colour of the lavender walls majestically cooperated with the saturated navy blue finish and shelving, giving the room its own peaceful aura. I chose those colours because of this, because this happens most nights. The voices echo in my head, saying the usual; at this point I don't care. Every newly passing second I spend still living on this hell of a planet the more I wish for nothing more than for him to have gone through with his promise, for me to not be trapped here any longer.

I prepare breakfast for myself before putting on my standard wear; a black buttoned dress shirt accompanied with a white collar, to match that I also throw a white oversized coat overtop so I don't seem like some high-class corporate fuckface. I tie my hair back to complete the look and leave for work semi-satisfied.

To be honest, I don't even know what I mean by semi-satisfied anymore. For two years now my life has been dull. Black and white. Empty. Jaded. When I do feel things, I pretend I don't; it's easier to live your life when people aren't constantly nagging you about how you feel. I've learned over time that it's easier to just reply with "good, how are you?" routinely when asked how you are; I've learned people don't care. People never care.

I have a lot of secrets, not that anyone cares. For one, I'm gay. I guess that isn't a bombshell secret, which is why I told you, but it's big enough that I feel the need to hide it about myself from people I guess. I'm sure nobody would care about it even if I did come out, but I would always feel it to be a vulnerability. I'm like that all the time because I'm stupid or something like that but I don't fucking know. I can't trust anyone.

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After school, I head right to the bar. I may be too young but LingMian always lets it slide because he likes me. Not like he can complain; I pay my tab, I don't act out, and I tip well. He makes me enter through the back, though, to avoid any public outrage at the finding of a high school boy getting hammered at a bar.

Sometimes on really bad nights I may bring a guy home, but it doesn't last. In the morning I always come to my senses and have to get rid of him one way or another. I wonder, if these guys knew how old I was, would they still want to be with me? Would they be disgusted? Would I be hit? Another risk I just can't take.

As long as it gets us back to my place quicker, I'm 21 and my boyfriend just cheated on me. As far as they know, I'm a wreck after losing him. As far as they know? He broke his fucking promise. As far as they know? I bled out for hours. As far as they know? ḥ̴̥̝̆e̵͎̲͔͈͌̚ ̸̞̱̄̍̂̉͗l̶̜̽̔͊̕ȩ̷͔̄f̵͉̲̳̺̾̔t̸̝̘͕̝́ ̶̪̭̽̽̈̌̈́w̴̩͇͔̱͝i̵̜̙̣̾̈́t̷̮͉̝͇̬̃̄h̶̢̻̹͙̲̋̀̋̈́͗ō̸̲̥̬͛̕͝ṳ̵̹̣̝̑͒͠t̶̜̣̖̋ ̷̣̪͕̊̂͗̿͜ȩ̶̰̺̋v̷̯̥̣̍e̷̯̭̳̺̫͊͌̆̓̋n̶͍͙̩͕̓̾̓ ̸̪̣̯̉͊̓s̷̲͚̝̥͛̈́̒͘ȧ̷̳̥͈̠͌͝y̶̝̰̅̉͠i̵̬͛͌͒̃ņ̸̲̇g̷̢̺͋͛̂͘ ̸̡͔̦̹̬̆b̴͇̭͋̀͜͜y̸̱̽e̶̘̦̒̽̿̂͝.

I wonder if he still thinks about his old friend. I wonder, if he knows I've been in love with him for over 4 years. Guess the world is just full of mystery.