-Make it all make sense-
---
Ax made a very unhappy expression. It actually looked quite funny. But this wasn't a time for laughter. He sighed. -I believe the phrase is, I told you so-
"Yeah, I know. Whatever. But what the actual fuck was that?" I patted his large face. He sighed again. -It would be better if you didn't know-
"Unless knowing puts me in active danger, I'm gonna have to call bullshit. Tell me." I demanded. "Please." I added. He kept quiet. I scowled. "TELL ME! I'm SICK of you keeping all these secrets from me!" he looked away. I snarled. "Dammit Dad! If you don't FUCKING tell me I'm going to FIND OUT MYSELF by PURPOSELY tracking another one DOWN an-!"
He pulled me close and settled on a cloud heavily, looking exhausted. -Broken dimensions and discarded timelines- he said with a miserable look. I paused, actually surprised he answered.
"...explain?"
-There are an infinite dimensions, an infinite stories crafted by the infinite storytellers-
"So...the other AXOLOTLs?"
He hesitated before nodding and then shook his head -Most were crafted by the Time Giants before they fell, others by the other Mes, though...we're all the same entity at the end of the day. I only have dominion over this Reality, some of my alternatives command multiple- Well yeah, I knew THAT much, Seb's Ax obviously had power over at LEAST two dimensions and Blue has hinted at his own Ax commanding a VAST number of them.
I tugged at his finger. "So…that Bill was from a world created by some other AXOLOTL?" He nodded and I frowned. "But...what the fuck is that other Bill I saw?"
-An abandoned story. Left without a conclusion- Ax poked me gently -And you, with your Dreamscape filled with nothing but Stories, have attracted them to you-
Well fuck. That sounded...kinda sad actually.
"So what did he mean by...how we were all supposed to be one until people split us apart or something?" Ax stared at me. -I'm sure you know-
Oh. Right. If the other doors that to lead to different dimensions created by different Axolotls are all branching alternative dimensions, then the one TRUE Bill would be the Canon Bill. But all these other worlds were created and branched out, caused him to split apart in all sorts of ways, in all sorts of characterizations...ok, I can see why they might want to come back together again but...hell no. I'm not gonna combine myself with the others. I'm ME and I refuse to be anyone else BUT me. Besides...I'm...not really a REAL Bill Cipher!
...right?
Wait.
"Abandoned dimensions?" I clarified. "So...like...what exactly does that mean?"
Ax closed his eyes, looking pained. -Their AXOLOTL abandoned them. Allowed them to crumble into nothingness to start anew building another Reality-
I froze. The implications of such a thing making me feel faint. "Why? Why would they…"
-To start anew when the old didn't turn out how they wanted, or because existence came to an end and they were forced to leave or reset- his mental 'voice' sounded strained.
I shook my head, horrified. For the AXOLOTL to abandon a world, truly abandon it...what would that entail? Without the salamander's power keeping that reality in existence...wouldn't it just...cease to exist? An entire reality, with a whole multiverse within it...trillions upon trillions of lives...all...gone. And even if existence came to an end there, shouldn't the AXOLOTL be able to fix it?
How could a creature who was meant to be the ultimate GOOD do that?! Wasn't the AXOLOTL supposed to be a good God?
That Bill I saw. Had he somehow escaped his collapsing dimension? He must have. And somehow, he found me. That would be the true danger of my Dreamscape. I can visit all the infinite realities there were, but doors are a way both in and out. My Exit doors were something I still didn't fully understand. Did they only exist when I opened MY door? Does me opening my door and going out there cause doors to exist within the Mindscape of all the other Bills? Is that how that Bill got in?
Then I was hit with another thought. I peered up at Ax. My...surrogate father. He had his face tensed up, unhappy and stressed.
"Have you ever abandoned a reality?"
I don't know why I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. Ax is a good guy. He's supposed to be a good guy. I look to him for guidance because I KNOW I'm coming apart and I don't know how to keep myself together. I've done so many awful things and half the time I don't even care anymore. I NEEDED Ax to be my anchor of good. To give me something to ground myself. To hear him critique me, advise me, punish me if I go too far.
I stared up at him with tears welling up when he remained silent. "Ax?" I trembled. He...can't have done that. He just can't….
I reached out to take his hand, my small black fingers contrasting starkly against the pale pink of his skin. "...dad?"
He turned away from me. -You weren't what I was expecting-
"W-what? Why? Why would you EVER do something li-?!"
He cuts me off by enveloping me in his large hands. It was dark in here as he squeezed. It didn't hurt, he was simply pressing down.
-You are more than I've ever dared to dream for. I shouldn't have told you. I knew this would upset you…-
"Ax?" I pressed my hand against his palm. "Ax, let go. Talk to me! Explain this to me!" I wasn't quite panicking. Not yet. "Dad? Dad, please! I just want to understand! Quit being stupid and just TALK to me!"
-It would be better if you never found out-
I shoved against his hands but I couldn't get out. I was starting to get a little scared. "Dad? Let me go please? Daddy?" I was starting to sway, it was hard to keep my eye open. I reached for my powers but they weren't working. "Dad…" I slumped over as the strength left my limbs. "Please...just...tell me...I promise I will listen...to...you...explain…" I laid there in the dark, listening to a growing rumbling sound drown out his words.
-I won't risk you...not when you're the one I…- I closed my eye as the rumbling took over my senses.
I blinked my eye open. Huh...what was…?
Oh...right. I came to bother Ax about how he was a great grandpa now. Hah! He's old now~
Wait. That means I'm a grandmother/father. Eugh...nope. I refuse to be called a grandma/pa. No thank you. I shook myself and float up from where I was lying on Ax's arm. I fell asleep again?! Ugh. BlueBill might be right. Having a Dreamscape is more trouble than it's worth.
Ax seemed...tired?
Huh. Never thought someone who sleeps constantly would be tired but hey, what do I know? I was planning to wake him up to tease him but he looked paler than usual with his gills and tail curled around himself tightly. His breathing was also somewhat labored. Was he sick? I laid a hand on his face to find him warm yet clammy, which, despite the fact that he's a salamander, actually wasn't normal for him.
Thoroughly worried now, I created a nice blanket out of the clouds and tucked him in. I didn't know what to do if Ax really was sick. I've never seen him sick before. I hung around, fretting over him and growing myself into a larger size just so I could hold him and try to keep him warm on my bricks. I was relieved when he finally opened his eyes an indeterminate amount of time later. "Hey Ax. Are you ok?"
He stared at me before swimming out of my arms. -I'm sorry- he rumbled. I grin and waved my hand "It's fine. I don't mind taking care of you for once. What happened anyway? Were you sick?"
He settled onto some clouds. -I used too much power trying to do something-
"Gasp!" I said the word dramatically "You actually tried to do something?!" I swooned as I shrunk back to my default size and flopped onto his arm. "No wonder you got sick. You're so out of shape from sleeping constantly!"
He rumbled and buried his face in his arms. I poked him. "This is proof that you need to get out and exercise more!" I was hiding my relief behind my jovial tone. Seriously, don't scare me like that! I poked him again, because I had been scared that something bad was happening to him and I needed to let him know how afraid annoyed I was. "Seriously. If doing something causes this much of a problem, you obviously have to exercise more."
-...I will take your words into consideration-
I pouted and poked him even more to express my scolding. "I'm serious! I don't want you collapsing on me old man." he rumbled. -Then please let me rest-
I huffed and put my hands on my hips (well, my bottom corners, but they're pretty much hips) "Well fine~I can see when I'm not wanted." I made to leave but Ax spoke up. -You are not unwanted. Do not ever think that-
I paused. That was...Ax almost outright telling me he cared. I turned bright orange. "W-well...just get some rest before you collapse again ok?" I blinked out of there with a full feeling in my core and a bright smile in my eye.
---
"Mom! What do I do?!"
Pyrone held his screaming daughter as Flora put out the fires. Pyronica coo'ed at her granddaughter. "Aw~Barely a cycle old and she's already setting the house on fire. I'm so proud~" I giggled at the scowl on Pyrone's face. "Don't PRAISE her for it!"
"Here, gimme." I felt bad for his obvious stress and floated up to gently take the hybrid from him. "Hey~What's wrong Rince? Are you hungry? No?" She scowled at me, barring her sharp teeth. "Poopy? Nope." I gushed at the little red ball of fire. She stared at me with her angry, tear filled eye and flicked some more fire around. "Oh I know! You're sleepy and can't go to bed because you keep setting it on fire~" Rince lunged forward and bit my eye out.
I'm starting to get the feeling she doesn't like me.
As I rolled around screaming, Pyronica grabbed the baby from me and Flora panicked about the whole situation. It took us hours to get the infant settled down. Yeesh. Even the twins weren't this bad growing up. I spent some time fireproofing everything in a half mile radius. The new parents looked exhausted. Flora called me a miracle worker for Cursing their kitchen to cook food FOR them if they say the command word. It helped a lot since they were too tired to make food.
To my despair, my every attempt to hold Rince was met with violence. She simply did NOT like me. Pyronica gave me a comforting pat. "It's fine. I get the feeling she doesn't like anyone."
I left the new parents to their child and headed home.
---
Pynelope said she wanted to do an interview with me. "Maybe if I can get some real information for my article I can get people to understand that you're not that bad." I sat on the couch as she setup the recording device. I fussed with my bowtie. "Do I look good?"
"You look fine dad." Pynelope rolled her eye. "Ok...3...2...1...and go." She sat down next to me.
"So. Hello. I'm Pynelope and this is Bill Cipher, who kindly agreed to sit down for an interview with me today."
"Hiya~" I waved at the camera. Oof. I'm going to need to get less camera shy if such a thing keeps happening. Pynelope looked down at her notes. "So, tell us a little about yourself."
"Well…" oh gee, what can I say? "I'm a demon god of Knowledge and Chaos. Which isn't really as bad as it sounds. I mainly grant summoner's desires in exchange for a price. Information you want? Done. An object you desire? No problem. A person you desire? Now that is something I refuse on principle simply because I don't want to."
"Why is that?" Pynelope asked. I adjust my bowtie again, resisting the urge to spin it. "Well most of the time when people ask for that sort of thing, it's like 'I love that person but they don't love me back' so they want me to MAKE the other person like them. I don't like doing that because it interferes with Free Will and all that jazz."
"But there are plenty of gods that alter people's minds. And as a master of the Mind, wouldn't such a thing be easy for you?"
"Just because I CAN doesn't mean I WILL." I rolled my eye. "Besides, going into someone's head and messing around? That's EASY. There's no challenge to it. So I don't bother because it's boring and it leaves a bad taste in my eye."
Pynelope wrote some stuff down. "And how do you feel about the gods who DO mess with people's minds?"
"Look, this is one of those case by case basis things. Maybe they're rewriting someone's personality, maybe they're erasing memories or maybe they're removing a mental trauma. There are both bad and good applications for this." I waved my arms around. "I know there are good, consensual ways to alter minds, I can't condemn others for doing it without knowing their reasons."
I thought about it. "Also, there are a few species out there that have mental effects as a natural part of their biology. There's one species that let out a signal to make people think they're an old, trusted friend. This is a natural self defense mechanism and I can't blame them for that."
"That's very interesting. Do these species affect you?" Pynelope asked. I laughed. "Only if I allow it. Heck, there's a species of flobberworm in Dimension 87 that causes wild hallucinations if you breathe in their pheromones. I've used them to make incense before. Actually, that was part of a Deal."
"A Deal?" Pynelope flipped to another page. I was starting to relax, this was nice. I liked talking. And even if the camera was on, it wasn't a live recording so I didn't have to worry about messing up and being embarrassed.
"See this Dorioth was hoping to start a business of an...entertainment kind. What better way to have fun then getting high, sort of thing. So he wanted to use the worms for that but couldn't actually get close to them without collapsing into a giggling mess. So he summoned me, asked me to get the things for him and-" I shrugged "-it wasn't a big deal for me so I did. Even taught him how to distill the worm's natural chemicals into a liquid that could be stored safely."
"And what was the price for that Deal?"
"Well it was just a simple fetch quest and tutorial I threw in as a freebie. Frankly, I was impressed at his initiative to try something new and make something from it, I do so love innovation, so my only price was that he would not be able to use the incense he made on himself."
Pynelope blinked slowly. "So...the guy who wanted to use the stuff to get high...can no longer get high on the stuff?"
I giggled. "I know~ironic right?" I tilted my hat. "But there was an EASY loophole if he ever wanted to have fun with his own product."
"Loophole?" She asked. I nodded. "It's pretty obvious. All he had to do was teach someone else how to make the stuff and he could use the ones THEY made to get high."
It was so simple. I left in such an easy loophole for him to abuse because I actually liked him. Very different from the first frog I made a Deal with. Pynelope frowned. "And did he ever discover this loophole?"
My cheery smile dropped. "No." I groaned. "Why are people so stupid? I left in a perfectly exploitable section of the Deal for him...and he never realized it!" I leaned back in my seat. "Which actually turned out well for him, he started his own company and became a successful businessman. So...yay?"
I still wasn't sure how to feel about the outcome of that Deal. Pynelope held back a snort of amusement. "Ok. Well, it's nice to know one of your Deals had a happy ending."
"Plenty of my Deals have happy endings!" I protested. "There are a bunch of people who agree to be my pseudo-friend in exchange for my protection. They're perfectly fine out there. I protect them from harm and they grant me a bit of worship."
"Worship…"
"I AM a god after all." I rubbed my hand along my bricks. "If they worship me, I can feel it. It's pretty nice actually." I sit up straight "And then there's my other worshipers. The ones who start cults in my name without even asking me first."
"Ah, the Cipher cults that you...sometimes destroy?" Pynelope asked. "One of the reasons people think you're crazy is because you're a god who kills his own followers."
"Oh I AM crazy, but that's not why I kill them." I explained "See, most of these idiots have never even SPOKEN to me. How the heck am I supposed to accept them when they run around using my name as a EXCUSE for all the shit they do? Fuck, there was a guy who raped and murdered and told people that I asked him to do it." I fumed. "Which I FUCKING didn't! I've never even talked with the guy!" especially since I ripped out his vocal chords when I finally found him. So, yeah, never even spoke with him.
I turned to the camera. "And just a side note, I would NEVER ask my worshipers to do something as stupid as rape and murder. That's what the Federation does."
Off screen I heard Kryptos shout "Oh snap!"
"So you feel strongly about people who use your name without your permission?" Pynelope held back a smile as Kryptos and Hectorgon high foured in the back of the room. A bunch of my friends had come to listen in. I sighed. "Once again, this is one of those case by case things. I'm fine with people invoking me or whatever. And if they want to start worshiping me without ever having met me, that's fine too. But I don't like it when they LIE and claim I told them to do something when I CLEARLY didn't."
"So...you, as a demon, dislike lies?" Pynelope pressed. I rolled my eye. "Just 'cause I'm a demon, doesn't make me a master of lies. That is an awful stereotype. Once again, lying to your face is something the Federation does."
"Hear hear!" PaciFire and Hectorgon grunted from off screen.
"You seem to hold a lot of animosity towards the Federation."
"I actually don't hate them." I admitted. "I hate the laws and policies and hypocrisy within their government. I can count on one hand the number of actual GOOD people in their council. I can't condemn all of the Federation while these people are trying so hard to change things for the better."
I sighed. "Despite all the awful things the Federation has done over the past few millennia, they have done SOME good too. Not a lot, not enough to make up for the shit they pull with their forceful colonization, genocide of entire 'problematic species' and attempted erasure of culture." I closed my eye and breathed heavily. "The Federation began as a group of aliens banning together for survival. They were focused on keeping themselves and their loved ones alive and happy. But as the years went on, this kindness vanished as their successors became more interested in controlling the world around them."
Everyone was quiet. Most of them didn't know this about the Federation. It was the FEDERATION. They have never known it as anything other than the giant, powerful system of government looming over the multiverse. I felt so old. And...tired.
"I…" I rubbed my eye. "...don't even know how I feel about it anymore. They're annoying as a collective and their police force is trained to be way too trigger happy...but mainly I'm just...kinda tired of them." Tired of them always spewing out 'anger' 'suspicion' and 'fear' around me. I sighed. "Can we change the subject?"
Pynelope pressed her lips together before nodding. "So what are your hobbies?"
I clapped. "Good question! I like dancing, drawing, crafting nightmares, cooking, cleaning, singing, stalking people, playing video games, screaming at people over the internet, defending the honor of my husbando Rakushun…"
I can hear my friends stifling laughter.
"...cosplay, dressing up in general, designing pretty clothing, listening to heartbeats, trying new foods, helping people, crafting adorable animals then releasing them into the wild on an uninhabited planet…"
"I think we're good Bill." Pynelope interrupted. I pouted. "Oh please~" I tilted my hat "I haven't even gotten to the barest minimum of what interests I pursue in my spare time. And if this interview is going to be about getting to know ME..." Some music began to play from an unknown source. Pynelope face palmed. "Not a song…"
"When you're rife with devastation there's a simple explanation, you're reality's creation trapped inside a crystal ball~and whichever way he tilts it, know that we must be resilient, we don't let then break our spirits as we sing our silly song~"
I danced in the air, twirling my cane around. My friends were all groaning.
"When I was a little kiddy, a ravenous flame overtook my city~so he shipped me off to the Spaces Between, he said 'control your powers so this won't happen again'~" I rolled my top hat down my arm and grabbed it by the brim before it could fall.
"So I poked a thousand holes and broke myself to reach my goals~now the memories all blur and the faces are obscured but I still know the words to my songs~" I swept my arm to the side, still gripping my hat.
"When you've broken all your angles and your loved ones have been mangled, listen to the twinkle twangles of the music's merry strings~cause these chords are hypnotizing and the whole world's harmonizing~so please children stop your crying and just sing along with me~" I slipped my hat back on, twirling in place and finishing with some fireworks.
"...you didn't have to...but you did." Pynelope groaned. I float back down to my seat. "You know I can't resist any excuse for a musical number!"
""Yeah. We know."" all my friends groaned.
Pynelope looked down at her notes. "One last question. What are your plans for the future?"
I considered that. "I...really don't know…" there was my wait for humanity and eventual meeting with Ford...but I didn't really have major aspirations for the future. Anything else I was working on were things for my hobbies/careers with my other identities. For a moment I worried over what it was I was planning to do with my life. Did it even matter?
"...the problem with being as old as I am...and knowing that there's an infinite amount of time still yet to live...is that I don't have anything I can really..aim towards. There's no...end goal. Just stuff that I can do to fill the time while I wait for the end of existence. Wild parties and entertainment...but those are extras, not goals." I sighed. "I'm still searching for my own meaning. What it is that I want to do. When this all began...when I started out...I wanted to help people. But all I seem to do is mess things up."
It was a somber thought. Pynelope looked sad. "That sounds really…" she couldn't finish her thought. Finally she sighed. "Well thank you for your time. I'm going to fix up the footage and submit it to my news screen."
I watched her turn the camera off and sighed. "Sorry that I brought down the mood." I told my friends. "Sorry that I'm making you all go through this with me.. Keyhole looked a little pale but ultimately he ran up and opened his arms, inviting me in for a hug. I took it, relaxing into his embrace with a sigh.
"At least we won't be facing it alone." Keyhole heaved a shaking breath. "We'll have each other and you, right?" he looked up at me. I nodded. "I will always be here. Even if I get destroyed, I'll come back. I won't leave you all alone." Not like I was.
We eventually let go of each other and Keyhole blushed. "I AM glad to be your friend Bill." He furrowed his eye ridges. "I'm going to try and pursue a career." He declared. "I don't know what I want to do...so...I'm going to try everything and see what I like."
Ammy folded and unfolded one of his blocks. "I suppose I should try as well." It seems like my words about how I didn't know what to do with my life had inspired them to think about their own futures.
That was...good?
I gave each of them a hug and then I had to leave due to another summoning. As per usual, I checked for traps before I appeared.
Funny story.
There was no binding circle but there WAS an entire troop of aliens training their guns on me. I notice they took the effort to make sure there were no triangles anywhere in the room. None except the drawing of me they used to summon me. With them all hidden in the blind spots of where my Eye could see, I suppose I was a little surprised when I heard the whirling of their guns preparing for fire.
My first instinct was to discard my vessel.
The first few shots missed when the target they were aiming at turned to stone and dropped to the ground. Within the Mindscape I blinked slowly as I processed what was happening.
Oh you cheeky little buggers.
An assassination attempt? On ME? I laughed at the thought. Part of me wanted to kill them all and string them up somewhere noticeable as a warning to others...but the other part of me wanted to see where this went. I watched them shoot at my vessel a few times before hesitantly leaving their cover and walking closer to it. Nice try dudes. My vessel in it's stone form is nearly indestructible. Much like a Weeping Angel under observation, it was stone. And you can't kill stone.
"Is he...dead?"
"Naw, he turned to stone right before we could shoot 'em. I bet this is a self defense thing. Well jokes on him. He can't move like dis and we'll shoot the instant he unfreezes!"
I giggled. Oh. I had a much better idea~
After all, the one who summoned me still needed to ask for a Deal. I followed them as they bound my discarded vessel in chains and carried it off. "I thought we were going to kill him boss?" One of the people, a rather cute Manrilla female, asked while she picked up the statue. The apparent boss, a rather large and muscular creature resembling a chair, the damn chair dimension, so weird, scowled. "That was the plan but I think this here's a golden opportunity. We've captured Bill Cipher! Now we can make him work for ME!"
"I'm not sure that's how it works boss." Another alien, oh my, it was a lava lamp creature. Was it the one I saw from the show? Don't really know. "The second he unfreezes he could just kill us all."
"Dun worry. I have just the thing." The chair hopped over and directed the Manrilla to put my vessel down. He poured salt all around my vessel in a circle. Oh. Looks like this guy wasn't a complete idiot. Still, what was it about salt that allowed it to make barriers? Probably the belief that it worked. If enough people believed something it would become true. Also, I think there was a certain god who popularized this sort of thing, pouring his own power into this 'concept' until we all had to deal with it.
I floated around and watched them. Frankly, I could escape a salt circle by doing what I'm doing now, returning to the Mindscape. It was safe here. At least, it generally was. I've met a few ghosts and other things here, not quite Souls, more like...Shades of strong emotions and fragments of what might have been Souls, too broken to be whoever they originally were but similar enough to pass. None of them could over power me and simply left me alone. They did try to get at my vessels if I happened to leave one lying around.
Ghosts are weird.
---
I spent the next week subtly messing with their dreams and building up their fear and paranoia. They were confused about why I hadn't unfrozen myself from my statue form. A few of them wondered if I were dead. I sent them dreams that were exactly like their waking lives. Their same routines, habits and motions until one day bled into the other and they would go to sleep in the dream to wake up in reality and go to bed at night to wake in their dream.
They were scared and confused, wondering if something was wrong. Wondering which was the dream and which was the reality. I had linked all their dreams together so they really were talking to their co-workers within their dreams and in reality, leading them to question which was real.
They could no longer tell. I could accurately stimulate the sensations of taste, smell, touch and even pain within their dreams. I grinned to myself as they slowly went mad trying to figure out which was real. Serves them right for attempting to kill and bind me. The frozen vessel was still kept inside a circle of sand. I wonder when they would figure out what was happening? Just for fun, in one of their shared dreams, the vessel unfroze and I grinned at them from within the fake circle.
"Well, well, well~ sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. I've been busy." I examined my nails, hm, should go get them painted again soon. The chair scowled at me. "Finally! It took you long enough!" He muttered "Was starting to think you really had died…"
"HAH!" I slammed my face into the salt barrier "As if!" I made sure to pretend the barrier actually did something. "If killing me were this easy, I'd have been gone ages ago!" I laughed. "So, what's up? You wouldn't have gone through the trouble of all this for no reason?"
"I want a Deal without any of your stupid side effects. Just a nice, simple Deal in which you give me what I want." The chair said snobbishly. "And in exchange, I'll free you." I giggled. "And what makes you think I need YOUR help for that?" Under his terrified gaze, I floated right past the salt circle. "B-but...the rules…"
"I'm Bill Cipher." I grinned. "Fuck the rules." He screamed "Shoot him! Shoot him now!"
They fired at me and I laughed maniacally as the shots bounced off me. "Did you really think it would be this easy?" I waved my hand and tore their hands off. I knew how to simulate the pain from this, I've felt it before during one of my bad days. Days when I inflicted all sorts of horrible injuries on myself just to try and feel better. My attackers all screamed in pain and fell to the ground as their stumps sprayed blood around the room. "Rude. Who the heck opens fire on a guest? For shame." I scoffed.
After I felt like they've been sufficiently intimidated, I healed their hands, the blood flowing around and being sucked back inside them. "Well, let this be a lesson. Now…" I turned back to the boss. "Why don't we skip all this stupidness and you just tell me what the Deal is?"
The chair stuttered. I leaned on my cane. "How 'bout I make this simple for you? You want riches. A boring desire but a relatively simple one. So, how about this? I give you a pile of unobtainium and you are not allowed to use the money you get off them for any personal purchases? Does that sound fair?"
"...no…"
"Well TOO BAD. You lost the chance to barter when you tried to kill me." I jabbed him with my cane. "Alternatively, I can leave and you're left with nothing."
"But I summoned you! You have to grant my wish-!"
"I don't do wishes buddy." I sneered at him. "Not unless I really like you. And guess what? I. Don't. Like. You." I punctuate each word with a little thunk of my cane against the ground. "I'll give you a week to make up your mind about the Deal. Take it or leave it. You wanted no awful side effects? Well then, I can promise that as long as you follow the agreement, nothing bad would happen to you."
I allowed myself to float back to the salt circle and became a stone statue once more. One last message ringing out "Unless you offer me something really nice instead…"
I made the rest of their dream day play out as normal. This was a long term trolling that I was starting to get bored of. The chair raged about my terms. One of his men asked "Why don't you just offer him something better?"
"What is considered better? He's a DEMON! He probably wants my soul." The chair muttered.
A Yellowtail Grogart adjusted their glasses. "Actually, if you compile the information about Bill Cipher over the past few millennia, excluding the PSAs the Federation puts out, you will find that Bill Cipher is actually a very unusual demon. While he enjoys mayhem, he actually shows a dislike for obtaining souls, appearing almost offended if you offer him one and prefers more practical prices such as items, favors and entertainment-"
"Shut up Dy. I don't want to hear your stupid jabbering. The chair snarled, not listening to a word he said. I frowned. Way to disregard the words of the only smart one here. Ugh. Why do people always do this? I stared at the Grogart, what's their name...David...huh...for their species, shortening or mangling their name was considered a high offense. Which meant mister chair (whom I wasn't even going to bother learning the name of) was being quite disrespectful.
He was too good to be working here. A historian...how did someone like him end up mixed up with this gang? I put a pin on that thought for now. Perhaps I can shift the deal somewhat to help him out...
I spent a few more days fucking with them even more as I observed David on the side, trying to figure out why he stayed here. Ooh~so that's it. Well, that can be easily fixed…I disguised myself as the Manrilla girl and started spreading a little rumor. The idea that Bill Cipher liked to collect people. It was almost true.
A week comes (technically, half a week since they spent whole days within their dreams) and I stood before the chair boss within their shared dream. "So? Have you got any better offers for me?" I twirled my cane lazily. The chair sneered. "How 'bout this, you give me all the riches I'll ever want and in exchange, you can have one of my men."
"B-boss?!" The others gasped. My grin widened. This was too easy. I made a show of peering around the room. "Selling out your own guys? You really ARE the worst aintcha?" I pointed my cane at one "Who should I pick?" I moved my cane to point at someone else. "So many choices~and such riches aplenty~" They begin shuffling back, trying to hide behind each other.
"So, just making sure, the Deal is that I give you all the riches you'd ever dream of and in exchange, I'll relieve you of your unneeded cronies?" I asked, wondering if he would really be stupid enough to fall for such an OBVIOUS trap.
"Deal!" The chair said, extending one of his legs. I laugh maniacally as I shook his hand. The fire spread up my arms and all over my body, it seared through the room all the people within. The chair screamed at first but when the fire faded he gasped at his surroundings. Gold and precious metals, gemstones and more. He laughed as he ran to the nearest pile and dove into it, laughing in astonished delight.
"Yes! Money money money!" He cheered. I slid out of his dream, watching the chair stand in his room, fast asleep. Too easy. He didn't even notice I changed the wording of his deal pretty drastically. Really.
All around the building, the others were beginning to wake up. I ignored the lot of them, didn't care about them, I was after just one person. I moved some objects to break the salt circle and reclaimed my vessel. Now it was off to David's room. His eyes went wide when he saw me floating over him. His first response was to hide his head under his wing.
"You're free now." I told him. He slowly peeked his face back out. "What do you mean?" I rolled my eye. "Of everyone here, I'm sure you would have realized it." he frowned and thought about my words. His eyes went wide as he stood up and flapped his wings a few times. "Boss is...gone?"
I laughed. "Go see for yourself." I leaned on my cane "Frankly, you're too good to work here. And now you're free to leave."
"But...my contract with boss…"
"Terminated. That was the deal after all. I relieve him of any unneeded cronies, and with your boss's current state, you're ALL unneeded, hence, you're free."
"But...my debt…" he frowned. I floated closer and grinned. "Paid off in full." They all were, the Deal kinda necessitated that. I even spent a few days cashing (ha!) in a few favors from several criminal gangs and organizations to get all chair-dude's workers cleared of whatever they might have owed in preparation for this. It was a gamble, the chair might not have taken the bait. But regardless, I still wanted to free David so getting everyone else was just a bonus.
David's beak dropped open and he looked at a loss for words. "W-why?" He gasped. I shrugged. "Truthfully, I'm a little interested in you. You're not a complete dumbass. It was a waste to keep someone like you here." I floated down to be eye level with him. "I'm here to offer you a job."
He blinked. "A job?" I nodded. "You're a historian. A pretty good one too. Well, my son has decided he wants to pursue research and I've found him checking out historic records and even getting my friend Hec to hack Federation files for information. I think having an actual historian help him with his interest would be a big help."
"Your son?" David was already twitching his talons as if he wanted to write this down. I nodded. "Ammy's a good kid but he's never really been to school. I've tried teaching him but neither of us really have the best attention spans for any thing long term." I paused. "I feel like I've fail him in that regard. Nevertheless, if this is something he wants to do, I want to support him. Like a proper parent."
David stared at me and fluffed his feathers. "You really are..." He tilted his head back and squinted in what I believe is a smile. "So...you want me to be your son's history teacher?"
"Something like that. Of course, I will pay you handsomely." I tilted my hat. David considered it. "What sort of pay?" I grinned. "5000 Credits monthly, room and board, food, healthcare and…" I leaned in "...vacation days." pretty much the same as Google got. Maze of Knowledge was on its 3rd season and the royalty credits were doing well. I can also transfer credits between several other accounts I've made. I'm thinking of giving my Yun persona her own ID and accounts as well.
He blinked. "And...how long will this employment last?" I considered it "We can go for one year, standard galactic time and after that you can renew your contract or leave." I informed him. David still looked hesitant. "Do I need to make a Deal?"
"Not unless you want to make it so." I shrugged. "I already made a Deal today, and making too many in the same day leads to terrible consequences." His feathers dropped and he took a small step back. "No offense mister Cipher but that sounds terrifying."
"Oh it is. The last time that happened I ended up eating my summoner and all his friends. Not something I want to repeat."
He nodded slowly. "And...I can leave after a year. And this is ONLY being a tutor for your son?" I grinned. "Yup. If you are unsatisfied with the arrangement we can renegotiate or you can quit, but you won't be paid for that month unless you're more than halfway through."
"That's more than fair." He nodded. "But what do you mean by room and board?"
"I generally allow my staff to live with me. If you'd rather commute or have Ammy come to you for lessons, we will discuss with Ammy for whichever he is more comfortable with. I simply prefer not leaving my son alone with a stranger, no offense."
"None taken. You are a father after all-"
"Mother." I corrected.
David looked gobsmacked. "You...oh...my pardons ma'am. I...all the records refer to you as a male." I groaned. "I know right? It's fine, I'm both male and female, it's not too big of a problem for me."
He nodded. "Well, I can understand why you worry for the safety of your child. I have a son of my own...whom I haven't seen in years…" he looked saddened by this fact.
"Have you had any contact with your family since you came here? Or looked up any information about them?" I asked. He shook his head. "I haven't been able to." He said morosely. I flickered. "Well, as a sign of my good will, here's a little freebie…"
"Huh?" He gasped when I wrapped my hands around him, stretching my arms until they enveloped him. Good thing his home world was in another dimension or I wouldn't be able to do this.
We reappeared outside his old house, his old nest. There were soft sobbing sounds coming from inside. I see David's eyes go wide behind his glasses. He stumbled forward in disbelief. "This is…"
I hung back and watched as he entered his old home, heard the surprised gasps of his grieving family who had just seen him dragged off by the mob merely 30 minutes before. Ain't time travel great? Good thing ol' Glasses here didn't make contact with his family or I wouldn't be able to do this. Damn Time Baby and his paradoxes. I even took the liberty of de-aging the bird so he could live a long happy life with his family.
I twitch as my bricks throbbed. Oof. My powers did not enjoy that. Quick, I need to do something awful before my powers tried to enact some horrid side effect…
I blinked away to the Infinetentiary and turned all the cell walls into candy. "MERRY CRIMBO EVERYONE!" I cheered before blinking away as the guards got there. My powers settled, satisfied at the resulting prison break.
Stupid powers. It was annoying sometimes. I got back to David and found him explaining to his family what had happened. He looked up when I floated over. "T-thank you...I don't know what to say…" he looked down at his wings, the formerly gray feathers now blue. "This is more than I've ever imagined…"
"Your imagination is limited." I told him simply "But this is the last freebie I'm giving you. So, let's discuss your future employment…"
I confess, there were multiple reason for this. Yes, I wanted to give Ammy someone to tutor him, but I also wanted to try and change my reputation...at least a little. Perhaps...someday.
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