I want to wake up!

So there I was, standing on top of the city hall of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The the largest municipal building in the United States. The building is 167 meters high, including the statue of William Penn – the founder of the city – which is standing on top of the highest tower. To be correct, I am not standing on top of the city hall, but sitting on the shoulders of the statue from the city founder.

To better understand what I was doing up there, I should tell you a bit of myself and my past. My name is Fred, I am 21 years old and I am a stuntman. At the age of 14 I started to train my body to its limits and never stopped doing so. At first I pushed me to the limits with parkour – climbing up balconies and jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Since after a while these "small" stunts could not satisfy me anymore, I started parachuting and base jumping and what not, you name it! When a company hiring stuntman was looking for young talented personnel they stumbled upon some of my videos on the internet and immediately hired me.

Today is Halloween and the day of my biggest and craziest stunt ever. I am dressed as witch – a sexy one – with fake boobs and the usual witch stuff. A classic witch hat, a black basic witch dress and, of course, a broom. One could say that I looked like an attractive woman if it wasn't for me being almost 2 meters tall and being very beefy due to my permanent training. Dressed like that and with many flood lights pointing at me, I will jump from top of the city hall eastwards to the Delaware River. The distance is about 1.5 kilometers and the jump into the river will only be possible due to the starting device which is basically a bungee rope to provide me with the needed initial speed. The next important tool was the specially prepared witch costume which hid a wingsuit.

This special Halloween stunt, which is of course was a marketing gag for a large company, should start any minute and I am only waiting for the countdo… 9 – 8 – 7. Immediately after hearing the start of the countdown, I flexed every single muscle in my body – except the one needed to take a crap – to be prepared for the initial force of the bungee rope.. 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – shooooooosh. The initial force was far stronger than I had anticipated but I was sure that my body could handle it. The bungee rope shot me slightly upwards to obtain the perfect flight curve with the longest air-time. When closing to the highest spot of my flight I made full use of the wingsuit as planned. Now it was just a matter of seconds until I would reach the river. Everything looked good so far.

But whats that?!? What is that freaking helicopter doing here? Right in front of me. My extra sense, acquired by surviving countless near-death-situations, immediately started to go through all possible reactions and I gave mental answers.

"Gain height! – Not possible"

"Crouch! – Not possible"

"Dodge somehow! - Too close"

"Broom! - IDIOT!"

--- Blackout! ---

I woke up when I was hearing shouts not too far from me. But what was I doing in that grassland? There is no grassland this vast on the way from the city hall to the Delaware River. Why do I not feel any pain? Could this be heaven?

"I FOUND HER! She is over there. That witch who fell down from the sky."

I was not really sure if this guy is part of my team who was looking for me, but I am absolutely sure that he is an idiot! If I was really lucky enough so survive such a fall, including a crash with a helicopter, why did he still call me "that witch". Is he dressed for Halloween as well? Or why is he wearing such ragged clothes and a burning torch? I decided to just wait there and to pretend that I am dead to scare him a bit. Hopefully the rest of the team isn't as stupid as that idiot.

"Ah", I thought I can see the lights of the torches from the rest of the team. "NO!!!", is everyone totally nuts today? Why are they running witch torches as well?

"KILL HER!!!"

My thoughts were "This can't be real…" There is even one with a pitchfork and I had never seen those ragged dudes before. They looked really pissed and if they weren't good actors I would have said that their facial expressions showed real killing intend.

My extra sense told me "Better get out of here!"

So I stood up and ran towards the lights which were probably of a small building nearby.

"STOP!"

Even though I was well trained I was not really able outrun those idiots behind me – its like in a bad dream. "Jackpot!", I thought. The lights in front of me were from the outer houses of a small medieval village - "Where the sh*t am I?" Immediately after reaching the first house, I climbeb up the facade of the first building like I did countless times before in my parkour runs.

"She is flying up that building! She definitely is a witch! We need to hunt her down and kill her!"

My thoughts were only, "Are those guys for real? I must get rid of this hilarious costume!" But everything was glued onto my body to make sure nothing gets loose during my stunt. The hair, the costume and even those humongous boobs… They told me that the glue could be easily removed with some glue-removing liquid which waits in the headquarter.

"Get away from those idiots first, then get rid of the costume!", told me my extra sense.

So I decided to jump from house to house like never before until I found a good place to hide where I could plan my next steps. After escaping for about 15 minutes I found a stable with two horses and a donkey in it which seemed to be a good place to hide for the night.

Step one done! Time to undress! I grabbed my witch-hair on the head and planned to pull the hair off with one strong move. This is going to be painful… stupid glued hairs. With one fist in my mouth, to make sure that I don't scream to loud, and the other hand on a big bunch of my hair, I counted backwards before pulling. 3 – 2 – 1 – "MMMMMHhhh!!!", oh my god! That hurt so much, just like pulling out a bunch of real hair. Whats worse is, that I only had a handful of hair in my fist but the rest of the hair was still on my head. While rubbing on the hurting spot of my head I realize that there was no hair left at that spot. No fake hair, no real hair just skin – thankfully skin, and not brain!

Ok, lets keep the hair for a few more days and get at least rid of those humongous boobs! So I grabbed that left balloon with both hands tightly and decided to move the hands outwards in a sudden movement, to rip off that left ball off my body. 3 – 2 – 1 "HHHHMMHHHHMMHHH!!!!", Sh*t! Why does it hurt so much? It didn't even get off a tiny bit! Wht kind of glue is that?!?

I need to piss! Lets pee onto that stupid donkey to vent my anger at least a bit! The only good thing of that basic witch dress was that I only needed to move it up to take care of this business.

"Haha", what that sleeping donkey must think when suddenly something warm is raining onto his head. Ok, weener out and… what? But! No! How? No way! NOOOO! Where is my…?!?

This is the most wicked dream I ever head! Am I a girl now? Dressed as a witch in a medieval village where everyone is going nuts to kill witches? How can I wake up from that crap dream?

"Pain should wake you up!" told me my extra sense. So I pulled out one more bunch hair from my my head!

"AAAAAHHHH!!!!" - Forgot to put the fist in my mouth! My persecutors must have heard that scream! While I thought these thoughts, the door of the stable suddenly opened and that one idiot with the torch was standing in the gap.

"FOUND HER! COME HERE!!", he yelled, and with a slightly lower voice he said directly to me

"your truly have a disgusting haircut!" - No sh*t sherlock!

"Need to escape fast, before the others arrive!" - told me my extra sense. So I jumped up to that rope hanging down from the upper floor of the stable and climbed up. At least my body strength was still the same even if was a girl now. From the upper floor of that stable, I ran towards the window and jump to the neighboring house.

Lets find a new hiding place. I need to find out where I am and why I am not dead. And I definitely must find out where my big boy between my legs did go!