What Am I doing here ?

I just wanted to write for sometime. Everybody has experiences in their lives that define who they are, and it is then that we form our image and their version of us in in their minds, what we do, how we do it, every little thing adds up to create an image of us in peoples eyes. But what they do not know is what goes on in our minds, only we do. So what is our true personality ? Is it the one that we show to those closest to ourselves or the one that we show it those we trust the most? Perhaps the one the we think of ourselves as but are too scared to actually put it to reality ? I do not know. Maybe everyone has a different idea of us with respect to their own experiences regarding us. So lies the question which of those exactly are we ?

I am not sure at all. I had always thought that I am someone courageous, I maybe someone who doesn't speak a lot, but at the same time I am not afraid of others, what I am truly afraid of although as I have found recently is what others think of me. I do not wish to be ostracized, I want to be validated and have people talk about me. I know it is not the right kind of trait and I proactively try to dissuade myself from walking down that path but it is the truth that I cannot deny anymore. I am not afraid of much, maybe just what other people think about me.

I think I have a crush on a girl, we are good friends, but I am too scared to confront my emotions, let alone her. I pretend to be scared of losing the friendship but what I really am scared of is what if she tells other people or stops talking to me entirely. I do not want to tell my friends either, and they by no means are bad friends, they are the people who have supported me a lot, and I genuinely feel good around them, but I am scared to tell them, because I don't want them to think I settled for less. I know I should talk to them, it's just I am scared of myself I suppose, that if I do, it will be acknowledging my feelings.

I just don't know what I am scared of anymore, I want to tell it to somebody, get it of my chest, why am I even so scared I don't know I just fucking don't know