To Be Loved

"I've heard about you, the girl who intervened in that bird attack."

That was the first thing her supervisor said to her as she sat down. Yukika heard words like that all her life. Someone heard about her racing track record. Someone heard about how she was an ice queen, how no one could get close to her. Someone heard about how she was obsessed with Sakura, not coming close to anyone but her. It was always something said about her, rather than who she really was.

She didn't say anything in response. Her body reclined in her seat as her eyes bored into the person studying her. The woman with overdrawn lips was analyzing her from head to toe. An intense tapping reverberated from her neon boots. Her hazel eyes darkened as she tore up Yukika's posture, her expression, and the aura she gave off.

Everything about her was precisely calculated to portray around strangers. She refused to let anyone pry open the lock to look inside. No one could be given that control over her. A clap resounded when she was finished running her eyes through Yukika. Her eyes were laced with intent.

"May I take a record of your spirit senses?"

She nodded. The woman smiled in anticipation. She retreated to the back of the bus, her boots stomping. Yukika took a moment to let her eyes roam around. The pure white reminded her of freshly fallen snow in the morning sun. It helped her relax in her seat.

Like any sort of examination, the space was teeming with fear and despair spirits. Their downtrodden and fearsome appearances could make anyone who saw them lose their joy. Those who walked did so with heavy steps and even those who floated seemed to be weighed down. This time, there were bright celebration spirits in their midst as well. The palette of celebration spirits appeared to be minor ones drawn to the joyous excitement that radiated off the students. Seeing them made her smile.

A stomping of boots resounded. Yukika turned to see a barrage of devices that threatened to probe and dissect her. Yukika disliked that aspect of being a spirit soul. She knew that being open about it would lead to encounters where she had to subject herself to such tests. She had dodged it before by staying quiet, but now it was unavoidable. However, if it meant staying together with her friends, she would resign herself to it.

"We'll start with the hard part first," Neon Boots decided. She pulled out a syringe with a glowing liquid inside. Yukika was immediately drawn to it. Her fingers itched to touch the mysterious substance. If she focused her energy, she could easily pull the liquid out of the nozzle. It must have been some sort of spirit energy. She had no control over regular liquid. Neon Boots smiled at her. "You must have guessed what this is, huh?"

She fitted a needle onto the nozzle. It glinted underneath the shining lights. Yukika shuddered. What if she ended up accidentally freezing it and it got stuck in her? Cold sweat formed on her forehead. Her concerns were silent, but Neon Boots already started to reassure her.

"It's alright. Just stay calm and nothing will happen," she said smoothly. Her small fingers rubbed some anaesthetic on her arm. "This is just to test your capability to host spirit energy. It's the minimum amount of spiritual energy required for regular spirit attacks. After we finish the observation, I'll give you a pill that can flush it out of your system. Is that alright?"

She nodded fervently. It was best to get it over with as soon as possible. Neon Boots wrapped a piece of fabric around her arm. It wasn't too hard to find a vein in pale skin. They both counted to three. The needle pierced her skin. Her eyes were shut tightly. An agonizing second drew out as the substance was injected into her. Yukika counted down all the prime numbers she knew within milliseconds. The needle was pulled out. Her lungs heaved with a sigh of relief.

Yukika stared at her arm. The substance was producing a rush similar to when she used her powers. Strong energy flowed down to her fingertips. It would be so easy. Just a snap and she could conjure a cyclone to knock the neon boots off Neon Boots. She kicked the desire away from her. If she went to jail for cyclone-based assault, she would be left all alone in a gloomy cold world.

"Good control," Neon Boots said. "No ill side effects from using your powers in small doses, I gather." She typed in her Featherpad. Neon Boots handed her a tiny blue pill and got up to get Yukika some water. The pill was rolled around between her fingers. An image manifested of it rolling off into an unknown abyss. After hours of searching to no avail, she bloated into a giant blob from untreated spirit exposure and exploded. Angie liked to say those kinds of things, and she couldn't help but imagine her saying that. She smiled to herself. It was absurd.

Neon Boots returned to her side with a plastic cup in hand. Yukika popped the pill into her mouth and swallowed it down. The cool rushing down her throat was exceedingly refreshing after the cold sweat the injection had given her.

"Last time I was given some bigger white pills to flush spirit energy out of my system. This one was so small," she remarked.

"Oh, really? That must have been because you used so much of your powers last time. This pill is meant to flush out smaller amounts of spirit energy within hours. Neat, isn't it?" said Neon Boots. She was flipping through a magazine on her Featherpad. Yukika snuck a look. 'Five Most Iconic Moments From City Seven Idols!' was the title so brazenly slashed over the page. She resisted the urge to laugh. Neon Boots realised the screen of her Featherpad was showing and coughed loudly. "Erm... next part!"

She gave Yukika a pair of goggles. They flashed every few seconds, showing strings of numbers and flashing shapes. The sleek technology and compact craftsmanship made it very high end. Yukika was in awe of the technology the S.U.N. possessed. She put them on. Every spirit she could see was highlighted. Any ambiguous shapes sharpened to let her see every detail. She looked around and took in each spirit in her line of vision. She had never seen them with such detail before. Neon Boots furiously typed on her Featherpad.

"95.1 per cent ability to sense spirits with 92. 5 per cent vision of spirits," she said. Yukika could hear her clacking away on her pad. She took away the goggles and recorded Yukika's use of them. Yukika blinked away the surprise at seeing the spirits so close. She didn't think her senses would be that high.

"Now, here's something I bet you would like!"

Neon Boots brought over a headset. Yukika frowned. That kind of thing was something Sakura would like. She never knew how to feel about such things. Immersing herself in a different reality while being unaware of the real one.... even when lost in a book, she would keep herself aware of all the things around her. Listening to the chatter that surrounded her, or focusing her powers down her arm.

But it was a part of the evaluation, and she would do it for her friends.

The headset was strapped on her and she was strapped onto the seat. A bright light set off and overpowered her vision. All her senses went blank. The light morphed into a flame. An uncomfortable burning engulfed her. The smell of smoke forced its way up her nostrils and down her throat. Someone was turning the dial underneath her, ramping up the heat bit by bit.

She opened her eyes. The room that met her gaze was a pure inferno. Flames lined the walls. A blazing orange lit the empty space. Discomfort pricked under her skin. She couldn't stop picturing the room as a burning sun. Burning hot, bright and torturous to exist nearby. And now she was in the middle of it.

Yukika's head snapped around to look for respite. She caught sight of a flow of water coming in through the corners. It flowed around the perimeter of the room. If she froze that and carried it over, it could melt and douse the fire. Exerting her powers out of her outstretched fingers did no help. It was too hot.

'Try harder. Bheur, help me...'

Bheur's thoughts spilt over to hers. Her mind overflowed with memories from happy winter days. Once upon a time, she was free to act as she liked with her love by her side. Rolling down a hill covered in snow, with someone in her arms. Holding her warm hand to keep her love from being bitten by the cold. Looking out of the frost entwined window to see her lovely face.

'Bheur, you can't catch me!'

'I don't have to. You're already in my heart.'

A blush spread across her cheeks. The strong emotions gave an inkling of more power to Yukika. Her movements became precise and defined. Freezing cold rushed out of her fingers. The flowing water turned to steadfast ice. She absorbed the powerful reach Bheur's memories gave her.

The warmth of love made the bite of cold more ferocious. Focus drove her to pull the ice towards her. However, it wasn't enough. The flames licking the walls radiated a heat too intense for the ice to reach them. Yukika lost control of the ice as it split back into water. Frustration built inside her along with the drips of water.

'There must be a stronger memory...'

She closed her eyes. The heat climbing up her skin didn't matter. What mattered was the cold inside her. She needed to groom the melting cold into an unstoppable storm. Bheur's memories were searched thoroughly. One stood out, a howling memory of endless cold. She dove deep and unlocked the feelings inside.

'Bheur, we mustn't keep seeing each other.'

She was gripped by confusion. Bheur reached out to her love, but she shyed away. They were right next to each other but so far apart. The look on her lover's face was of sadness. Her mind had been long set.

'No... I can't,' she spoke. Her bottom lip quivered. She tried once again to bring her love into her arms. Bheur's fingers were caught and placed on her lips. Tears formed in her love's eyes. Those burgundy eyes... how many times had she stared into them? How many times had they looked at her, wishing for something that could never be? She couldn't bear to look at them one more time. Her heart clenched with sorrow.

'Your betrothed will be kind to you,' her love said, voice choked by anguish. She turned away. Each step she took was another stab to her heart. Bheur reached out to her in vain. She could never bring her back. She was falling. Falling into an endless pit of despair.

'Amada....'

Sorrow, anger, hatred. All the feelings took hold of her and didn't let go. A sickening cold built itself into Yukika. Left behind..... she had been abandoned. She was alone. The warmth would never reach her again.

"No... it's not me, it's not my memories," Yukika muttered. Her head fell into her hands. A throbbing headache split her head. The cold was overwhelming. She couldn't let it take over.

'Why.... why am I always left behind?'

The loneliness of winter was choking her. Her powers shot out of her fingertips, desperate to escape. She wanted to outrun the neverending cold. She created chaotic winds that wailed in her ears with a wave of her hand. It was useless. It would always take over her.

The heat around her dissipated. A familiar sensation comforted her skin. When she opened her eyes, she was stunned. The room was encased in ice. The suffocating heat had been swallowed by her winds of frost. Layers and layers of freezing powers left a smooth surface of white. She crouched down to the ground. The ice sang to her.

'You don't need anyone else. The cold is always here.'

She sank to the bottom. The cold devoured her. Yukika's eyes closed, and she entered a new world. The change didn't present itself to her at first, because the cold still surrounded her. Singing false promises. But once she felt a spirit of malice pass her by, she opened her eyes. Hatred was in the air. Clawing, devouring, destroying.

Yukika was standing in front of a dilapidated back space of a house. There was nothing but jagged concrete and weeds to meet her eye. A moonless night sky stretched out above her. A rat scurried away out of sight. No one would be able to witness what was happening in that small space.

The back door opened. A woman carried a baby in her arms. The baby wore only a diaper and was swaddled with nothing but a thin cloth. The woman's face spoke of loss and hatred. Her eyes were colder than any winter she knew. She turned away. She hated to see that beauty immaculately chiseled from ice corrupted by malice.

She nestled the baby between a clump of weeds. When she let go, the baby began to cry. Any desperate pleading for her mother would never be heard. The door shut firmly behind her. The lock turned.

Yukika sat on the ground, away from the baby. Her hands rose to her ears and pressed down tight. The baby wailed and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity. The cold was biting her bare skin. Her hunger was twisting her stomach. Pain tormented her fragile body. Her ears picked up on the sound of the baby dragging herself to the door, despite her weak limbs. She pressed harder.

The baby's cries faded with the wild winter winds. Blood rushed as her hands dropped to her sides. She turned to look. The baby was still. Closed eyes told lies of a baby deep in a peaceful sleep. Rustles resounded from her feet. Yukika sat next to herself. She caressed the baby's head full of white hair.

The wind blew past. She twisted to see Bheur descending from the winds. Her blue skin blended with the night sky. Her coat shimmered like stars. She didn't say a word. The cold that Bheur left behind was a comforting kind. Bheur's thin fingers touched the baby's forehead. A tear escaped her eyes.

Her body dispersed into black fog. It flowed into the small limp body. Yukika stared. The baby's chest began to rise and fall again. She looked up from the baby to stare at the closed door. Her heart twisted with unimaginable pain. She held the baby in her arms, even though she wouldn't be able to feel it. At least for the night, she was kept safe from the winter cold.

Her vision flooded with white. Yukika dove into the white sea. Her senses were blank. The world between realities was a void of nothingness. She was left to swim to find the shore. Her body weaved through the waves. Her hand caught on something solid. A weight left her. Yukika blinked as her world was filled with sounds and colours. Something was strapped to her head. Neon Boots smiled at her and took off the helmet.

"Sorry, we were monitoring your spirit powers as you were tested in that virtual world," she said. Her face was gentle with happiness. "Your powers are very strong, Yukika. I have no doubt you'll be accepted."

Yukika breathed in the warm air. It had never been so inviting. A burning wish ignited inside her. She didn't want to be alone for one more second. She desired nothing more than her warmth. After Neon Boots unstrapped everything off her, she left her seat. Oko stopped her at the bus doors.

"Yukika," she spoke in a low tone. "You should pack your things and be prepared to join the S.U.N. starting now. You will be a great addition to the Otherworld Defenders."

She should have been excited at such a surefire entrance. However, her emotions and mind were clashing with each other. Thus, she was unable to respond. She looked at Oko. Her arm was outstretched on her shoulder as if to welcome her. A cold climbed up her neck. She gripped the door tightly.

"I'm not going anywhere without Sakura," was all she said. Oko's eyebrows lifted in surprise. Yukika left the bus in top speed. Angie waved at her as she entered the cafeteria. Her friends seemed so happy, unlike the conflicted Yukika. The two were brimming with questions before she even sat down.

"The test went well," she told them. The two groaned, already knowing that for sure. She smiled silently. She didn't say anything about Bheur's memories. She didn't say anything about her past. And when Sakura spoke of Elettra, she didn't say the bitter words Bheur put in her mouth.

The rest of the day passed with only excited discussion and wild speculations. Yukika didn't take part in any of it. She only tried to go through her own feelings. What use was it to feel so many conflicting things? In the end, she couldn't make sense of it. She pushed it down further into the back of her mind with all the other things she refused to think about.

"Can you imagine what Mama will say about me joining the S.U.N. so I can get involved in combat?" Sakura laughed on their train ride home. Yukika frowned. It would not be a simple discussion at all. Sakura knew this, and she shook her head. Her friend stared out of the window. Her next words were quieter.

"Are you going to tell Akira?"

She crossed her arms defiantly. It hadn't even occurred to her to do so. Why should she? It wasn't like Akira would have noticed she was gone.

"I know, I know," she said after seeing the bitter look on Yukika's face. "But you can't just disappear. You're going to have to go back to pack... I mean, if we get chosen."

We. Yukika put her hand on Sakura's. Sakura bit her lip. Even she seemed to be unable to fathom them being apart. She leaned on Yukika's shoulder. They left other words unspoken.

Sakura was right. There wouldn't be any harm in telling Akira. If she died in battle, at least Akira could tell Manuel that his sister died a fool. She returned back to the accursed house so she could pack her clothes. While she made a fuss of taking her things to put in a suitcase, Akira came in her room holding Manuel.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Yukika didn't look at her. She stuffed a jersey between her books. She took the time to think of what to say. Her words came out plain and simple. No frills or courtesy needed.

"I'm leaving. The S.U.N. accepted me into their defensive team."

"Oh? I didn't know you wanted to join the other demons in their silly war play. Don't come running back when you're scared to get killed."

Yukika ignored Akira's sneer. A desire arose in her to snatch Manuel from Akira but there was no way she could bring him away. She reminded herself to say goodbye to him once they were alone. That gummy grin needed to be seen by her one last time.

"I can't take care of Manuel any more, so find someone else to do your job."

Akira stiffened.

"Whatever. I'll be glad to be free from a burden like you," she spat. The door slammed. The sound of footsteps receded from her room. Yukika sat on the floor among her pile of clothes. Finally, she could be free from that horrible house. Pain seized her chest. A tear slid down her face. But why... was she crying?