Here is my honest review for your novel! I hope it can be useful for future references :D
The way you write the story is very charming. Lots of choice of words and very less repetitive words.
You can describe the appearance of location without making it sounds boring, and I also have a clear image of the location you described.
There’s also lots of good one liners. Amy has most of them. Nero has lots of them too, but mostly it’s not the spoken dialogue, it’s in his head.
The tone of the story. It’s full of tension (no pun intended) from the beginning to the end. The lighthearted moment didn’t ruin the tension, which is even better.
Battle scene. The battle scene is clear and it has very less repetitive words. Normally in battle scene words such as ‘attacked’ or ‘defended’ become repetitive, but in this novel it doesn’t.
Personal opinion only:
1. About Nero:
Nero described as someone very hard on himself, but he ended up telling lots of his life stories to the two new friends he just met. Looking inside Nero’s mind is fun, the choice of words described in his mind is really good. I like this protagonist, but I’ll like him more if you show more his internal conflict of trust to contrast with Amy’s charisma to move people. (After reading some more, I notice Amy has died, so never mind ._.)
2. About Amy:
I think Amy’s charisma will shine more if only she could move the protagonist at later chapter (maybe chapter 3 or 4) instead of the first chapter at their first meeting. I really like Amy’s one liners, she had all the cool positive quotes without making it sounds annoying or demanding. And that is why I think her charisma will shine more if you show a scene where a character slowly show their trust to her at later chapter instead of their first or second meeting. It doesn’t have to be only towards her friends, Amy could be a really great character if her charisma will somehow affect one of the villain. (However since she died, maybe never mind. I just put this here coz I have spend some time and thought to write it ._.)
3. About wolf
From the description, I instantly Imagine a very cool and edgy villain or maybe rival. However in his first battle, he said something along the lines of
“everyone exist for my entertainment.”
This line ended up became very cartoonishly evil. One of the charm of edgy villain is, they are actually intimidating. But these lines are not intimidating at all.
Rather than writing about how
“everyone is insect and lowly trash for my entertainment.”
How about try to make it more like:
“They are small, weak, helpless. I want to kill them to relieve their suffering. It’s a give and take relationship, I got my entertainment, I gave them a painless death.” (Edgy, realistic, somewhat sad, sympathetic)
however it’s also depends on the personality of the villain. The dialogue I write above doesn’t match Wolf at all since he’s more ruthless and less sympathetic.
Also, wolf has this dialogue:
“What belongs to me is mine and only mine to destroy.”
This sounds somewat funny and not intimidating at all. I think it will be more intimidating if it’s reworded like this:
“My belongings is mine and how I treat it is none of your business.”
For a realistic edgy villain, avoid using cartoonishly evil insult such as (trash, insect, lowly something, etc) and try to find any other word to replace those. Cartoonishly evil insult will make the villain less intimidating, less charming, and less relatable.
4. The girl Amy fight in chapter 6
This one is also a comically evil antagonist. Most of her line is just served her role as an antagonist, but not as a person.
Normally ‘people in power’ would avoid topic about oppression. But this character just going with the topic and said “I do it because I can!” Which normally actual evil people won’t say. Normally actual evil people would made it seems like it’s the fault of the oppressed one, in other words gaslighted them. Adding various gaslight moment will make this character much more intimidating and horror inducing.
Example: if this antagonist fight Nero
Nero: why did you have to kill her?!
Antagonist: ask yourself, why did you abandon her?! You’re stronger than her, so you should be the one who took her place at that time! (This is example of gaslight)
Nero: *induced with guilt* (it’s not actually his fault)
(I know she’s dead, this is just example. Also my portrayal of Nero in the dialogue above might be out of character)
5. Space between paragraph.
I notice lots of times 3-4 dialogue shoved into 1 paragraph. Separating the paragraph for each dialogue will make it easier to read. Putting more than 1 dialogue in paragraph usually done when the character continuing what they said after they stopped for a brief moment for some reason. Example is if the character chuckled for a bit before continuing what they said.
6. Update
Writing a good piece takes time, I know. In this webnovel however, their standard is kinda different. They give better exposure for novel that updates often. Many webnovel authors aim to update daily. Or at least five chapters per week.
However if your novel is really just a passion project, then you don’t need to worry about this. Updating daily usually done by author who tried to win a contest to get their story contracted.
That’s it! Please keep up the good work!
