37. Chapter 37

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Chapter 37,

Erin's eyes fluttered open and her eyes adjusted to the light slowly as she took in her surroundings. It took her several moments to realize she was in her bed, and she had no clear memory as to how she had gotten there.

The last thing she could remember was sitting on the couch trying not to succumb to sleep. But the sleepless night the night before and the events of the day must have gotten to her, and she must have fallen asleep.

She felt Jay's arms arm wrapped around her waist, and his warm body pressed against her backside. She tried to wiggle slightly to loosen his grip, but after several failed attempts, she had to physically remove his hands from her body.

She didn't want to leave the safety and warmth of Jay's arms, but she desperately needed to pee. And she should probably brush her teeth, too, which she was at it. She slowly slid out of the bed and walked into the bathroom, turning the light on only after she had closed the door quietly behind her, hoping not to wake Jay.

She may have needed her sleep, but after the day he had, he probably needed it more.

She didn't close the door quietly enough, because Jay shifted as a result of the sound. His body woke before his mind, and he reached his arm across the large bed looking for his girl.

His mind woke fully when his arms came up empty. He opened his eyes, and it was only then that he noticed the light peering from under the bathroom door.

He was exhausted. Even though he slept soundly the night before, he had awoken feeling ragged instead of rested. And then there was this day, which had been emotionally draining to say the least. But as exhausted as he was, he didn't want to go back to sleep. Not until he spoke to Erin.

He had wanted to talk to her when he got home. And he could wait until tomorrow if he had to, but it was Friday, and they had plans to go to Molly's with the Intelligent Unit after the girls went to sleep. Lexi was coming over to babysit, and it was one of the first nights out they'd had in weeks.

So instead of going back to sleep, he waited for Erin to return from the bathroom.

After another couple minutes, the door opened and she tiptoed slowly towards the bed. She must not have realized he was awake. She slipped under the covers and moved her body towards him.

"Hi," he whispered.

She jumped out of her skin at the sound. "Jesus, Jay." She said, completely out of breath. "You scared me."

He laughed at the terrified look on her face. "Were you expecting someone else?"

At that, her lips broke out into a slow smirk. "Maybe," she replied.

"Oh, well, in that case..." He slowly slid his hands up her waist as his tongue slid easily into her mouth, letting her know that the someone else wouldn't be nearly as fun to sleep next to.

Before he let himself get carried away, he eased his lips back, his hands still stroking her skin. "Hi," he tried again.

"Hi," she whispered back, her voice husky and her eyes dark with arousal from his teasing.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." She had wanted to tear his clothes off only moments before, but as she searched his eyes, she realized that he seemed ready to talk. She pressed her forehead against his and instead of leaning into press her lips against his, she whispered, "Tell me something."

"I love you," he repeated.

She laughed, easing her forehead away slightly. "That's cheating."

"I know," he laughed throatily. "I just like saying it."

"I like hearing it," she instantly replied. But from the moment she woke up from his nightmare last night until this moment right now, her day had been riddled with anxiety and she really wanted him to finally share what was on his mind. "Tell me something else."

He kissed her, and then he held her gaze and said, "I was going to." He wanted her to know that he had stayed up for a reason. That he wasn't sharing because she asked, she wasn't dragging the information out of him. He had been planning to tell her everything this whole time. "I just wanted you to know how much I love you before I tell you my something," And I just wanted to be sure you would still love me after you heard it.

Her expression grew serious as she took in his words, as she understood the meaning behind them. "Baby, I know you do." She pressed her hand to his cheek and added, "I love you just as much." Probably more, she thought. "And there will never be a time where the something you tell me makes me love you any less."

He relaxed at her words, and his fingers wrapped around the hand she still had pressed to his cheek. He leaned into it, closing his eyes and taking in the moment.

"Just start from the beginning," she said.

And so he did. "I wanted to tell you about the reason I was so upset last night."

You missed Allie, she wanted to say. But she didn't interrupt, wanting to hear his own words.

"I don't think I've ever been this happy," he said softly, almost like he was admitting something terrible.

"Okay." Why is that terrible? I don't understand.

He shifted his position so he was sitting up in bed, his hands pressing into his legs like he was pushing his own body away. "And for the first time in 20 years, I forgot Allie's birthday."

"Oh." And now I do.

"I know I've told you about my mom," Jay said, moving his hands from his legs to Erin's. "But I haven't really told you much about my dad." He began drawing circles on her legs, trying to keep his blue eyes steady on her hazel ones. "He's the chief of surgery at Northwestern." Jay thanked God everyday that their victims always wound up at Chicago Med, that had been able to avoid that hospital all these years. "And it was just kind of understood in our house that his kids would be doctors, too." His brother had followed that path willingly, and it was always assumed Jay would, too.

Erin had been wondering about the doctor comment, but hadn't planned on asking. It had seemed like a sore subject, and now she could see why.

"The day I signed up to enlist," Jay shook his head in defeat. "I've never seen him that angry." The Rangers was supposed to be impressive. It was one of the most elite military formations. And he had quickly moved up the ranks, ending with dozens of soldiers under his command. He had worked hard, and performed exceptionally well, but it had done nothing to change his father's minds.

Erin noticed the way his body seemed to flinch at the memory, and she reached out to touch his arm. She was damn proud of his military service.

"Our relationship was strained from them on," he continued. "But at least we still had one," he sighed. "But when my mom died..." his voice trailed off, as he relived the days and weeks after his mother's passing. "His disappointment felt like a noose around my neck. Every time we spoke, it felt tighter and tighter." He closed his eyes, remembering how bad it had gotten. "But he was my only parent left, and so I just took it. Every time he made a demeaning comment, I just gritted my teeth and tried to bear it." He subconsciously reached his hand back and rubbed the back of his neck, as if there was a physical noose to reach for.

"Allie came home a few weeks later for winter break, and she stayed with me while I was on leave." He remembered that they had had sex then, too. They had always seemed to seek each other for comfort back then, especially when they were feeling particularly lost. It was as if they were looking for a way to regain some control of their lives, to put some order back into it. Or to at least to take a few moments to pretend they were still in high school, when there was actually some order to it.

"It sounds like she was a really good friend," Erin said, softly.

He knew he should elaborate. Lying by omission was still lying. "She slept in my apartment for a whole week," he said, figuring that was elaboration enough. They had actually only had sex the one time, but she slept by his side every night. "And every night she would try to reassure me that I wasn't a disappointment."

Erin took a deep breath, knowing exactly what that meant, and unable to help the tiny bit of jealousy that snuck in. Why is he telling me this? she thought.

"She convinced me that it was my life." He said, trying to rush through this and get to the point. "And that my father wasn't my only family." He found Erin's feet lying next to him and lifted them into his lap. "She brought me to the Corson's." He began massaging her feet and her toes, trying to keep his fingers busy as he spoke. He was finally getting to the good part of his story. "And they welcome me in. Told me that they were proud of me." He could still remember the shock he felt at the sound of their words. He shook his head slightly, "I'd been fighting for my country for three years at that point, and no one other than my mother had ever once said those words to me. And my mom was gone." A tear slowly trickled down his cheek, and he quickly brushed it away.

"Allie went back to school, but Gail and Danny, they stayed in my life." He smiled slightly thinking of them. "And it wasn't like it was in high school when I was just their daughter's boyfriend. We had our own relationship. They sent me letters, Gail sent me packages filled with muffins and cookies. They treated me like I was their own." They had been his saving grace in the years since he lost his mother. "I stayed with them when I was on leave, even when Allie wasn't there."

"Allie gave me so much," he admitted quietly. "Between her parents, and Maddie. She gave me everything." Then, he shook his head, disgusted with himself. "And I couldn't even remember her fucking birthday."

Erin almost flinched at his words. Jay rarely ever cursed, and when he did, he was usually inside her, trying to regain control before exploding.

"I'm living this whole full life, with the family that she gave me. And it just..." his voice caught, and he could barely get the rest of his words out. "It isn't fair."

"I know," she said, moving her body closer to his and leaning her head against his chest. "I know."

"And last night," he said, regaining his composure slightly. "I didn't tell you because I was so ashamed." He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her even closer. "I was leaving her behind, building this whole life with her daughter that she is never going to get to be a part of."

Erin could hear as the emotion crept back into his voice, the way he was almost choking on the words.

It was guilt, she realized. Sure, he missed Allie. He missed his friend, his daughter's mom. But more than that, what he was feeling last night, this morning, all day... it was guilt.

Guilt that he had lived.

She leaned away from his chest, finding his eyes. She knew there was nothing she could say, nothing that could possibly take this pain away.

"It was never supposed to be like this," he continued. "I found you," he shook his head slightly, "But she was supposed to find her soul mate, too."

Erin sighed, feeling a little selfish when her heart blossomed at the words I found you and Soul mate in the same sentence.

"We had this plan," he said, softly, remembering. "We were going to live in the same neighborhood, right near each other. We would have our own families, but we would all get together to have Saturday morning brunch together every week." They had talked about that when she was pregnant with Maddie, after they had decided to return to just being friends. It had been the inspiration for chocolate chip pancake day. It was his way of honoring her. "And of course, we would only marry people who would fit in with our plan. They would value it and understand it." He smiled wistfully, realizing now how crazy this all sounded. "It would've been unconventional, but-"

"No," Erin interrupted, her voice full of compassion and understanding. "It would have been amazing." She was shocked at how much she meant it.

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Jay and Erin spent the next hour laying in each other's arms, both mourning the loss of Allie and what could have been. When Jay began to notice Erin's breathing evening out, he realized he still hadn't brought up his conversation with the Corson's.

"Er," he whispered.

"Mmm," she responded.

"There's something else," he whispered.

She lifted her head from where it was resting in the crevice between his neck and shoulder, and looked down at him. Her eyes were slightly glassy from sleep, and he instantly felt badly for waking her. "I can tell you tomorrow," he said.

"No," she shook her head, nervous. "Tell me now." The conversation with Jay had been difficult. The conversation had healed and broken her heart at the same time, and she was still processing it all.

"I talked to the Corson's tonight." They had spent the first hour gushing over Grace and Erin, and then they had shocked him with their news. "They... uh... they want to give us their house."

"What?" That she hadn't been expecting.

He hadn't been either, but now that he had mulled over the idea for a few hours in his mind, he was starting to warm to it. He assumed Erin may need a little more time to get on board. "They only use it twice a year when they come to visit. But they've never been able to bring themselves to sell it."

Erin's head was spinning. It was one of the most beautiful houses she had ever seen. She could see Jay living there. And Maddie and Grace would have so much room to run around. "That house is huge." For some reason, with all the thoughts running through her mind, that was the first thing that popped out of her mouth.

Okay, Jay thought. Reminder to prepare her if she ever sees where I grew up. Jay's childhood home was at least three times the size. "I know," he said.

"I don't understand. They want to give you their house," she was fulling sitting up now, her previous exhaustion now completely gone.

"Us," Jay corrected. Erin's eyebrows shot up in shock, and Jay realized she hadn't heard him the first time around. So he repeated himself just to make sure. "They want to give it to us."

"But..." she began. She hadn't been upstairs, but she was willing to bet there were a lot of extra bedrooms. Bedrooms she and Jay could fill. "They don't even know me," she finished, shock still evident in her voice.

"They couldn't shut up about you after you left," he laughed, hoping to lighten the mood somewhat. "They seemed to love you almost as much as I do." He smiled and kissed her gently then. "Listen," he touched her cheek softly, "We don't have to give them an answer right away. We can just think about it."

"Okay," she replied, her world still spinning. She felt like her head was going to explode from this day.

"Hey," he said, kissing her again softly. "Please don't freak out."

She sighed, smiling at how well he knew her, at how much she loved him. "Okay," she said, this time more confidently.

He leaned into kiss her, and this time she captured his mouth with fervor. She poured all of her emotions into the moment, allowing all the stress to drain from her body.

"I love you," he whispered as he broke the kiss apart.

"I love you, too." She replied. And then his hands found her hips, and her hands found his chest.

She kissed him again, and decided after this insanely long night, she needed to find something to lighten the mood.

"So you were supposed to be a doctor, huh?" She smirked at him and her voice was slow and sultry.

He raised his eyebrows and tilted her head, unsure of where she was going with this. "I was," he saw, drawing out the words uncertainly.

"Well that's handy," she said, as she straddled him. "Because I think I could use a physical."

He flipped her over and roamed his hands over her skin. "Happy to oblige."

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