Part 5

"You can't do this."

"I have to!"

"No, you don't!"

"It is the only way."

"Please don't"

The little boy looked at me, desperately. His cheeks were covered in tears. I felt my eyes burning and prickling, but I stopped the tears from coming. I was afraid that if I

Let them flow, I wouldn't have the strength to continue. That fear would finally take over.

"Is everything true?" Rafe asked, with a shaking voice. "Will he really stop the war if... If you..."

"If I give my life? If I let him kill me?" I said, "Yes"

Both of us were quiet for a while. Then I said, "I have made arrangements for you. You can spend the night here. They have a couple of mattresses on the second floor. Tomorrow Lucien will arrange a lift to Laster."

"I won't go, I can't go to Laster. I have to help you!"

"There is nothing you can do, Rafe, if I don't go, everyone will be dead and it will be my fault. Shaye, Connell, you, all of you will die because of me, just like my parents did."

He said nothing, he just stared at me. After a moment of silence, he asked, "why does it have to be you? Why do you have to go?"

I didn't know what to say. I knew the answer, I just didn't want him to know it. "I... He, you know... It's complicated." In an attempt to get out of the question, I took my mug and chugged the water down all at once. After this, I stood up and took the letter and the cape. "It is time. Come on, I'll take you to Lucien." Is said softly, keeping my eyes pointed at the ground." Rafe stood up, reluctantly, and we walked in direction of the bar.

"Lucien," I said. Please, take good care of him?" "Yes of course." He answered. "What's wrong?" He asked after seeing my face. I saw that Rafe wanted to say something, but I warned him with my eyes not to do it. He turned back to the floor, fidgeting with his fingers and shuffling with his feet. This was really hard for him, but for some reason, he kept quiet. I had been afraid he'd throw a tantrum, but luckily that didn't happen.

"Nothing, just preparing myself for the next part of the job," I said, with a fake smile on my face. I suddenly stepped forward and gave him a big hug. "I'll miss you," I said.

He looked surprised. "I'll see you in a week at the summer festival, won't I?"

"Yes, yes of course," I said, releasing him. I did my best trying to make my voice sound normal. "I'll see you then." I kneeled down in front of Rafe. New tears fell down his chin and landed on the floor. I stretched my arms and he hugged me so tight, that I got trouble breathing, but I said nothing.

"I will miss you, Mak." He whispered in my ear. "Can you promise me that if you see another way, you will take it?" I nodded. "I promise." I hated myself for lying to Shaye. I hated myself even more for lying to Rafe.

I stood up, put on the cape and double-checked the position of the letter. Then I finally turned around and in slow, big steps, I walked away. I couldn't bring myself to look back. I couldn't bring myself to see his face again. I knew I would start crying, and I had to stop that at all costs. I would break down, there and then, sink to the floor and just sit there. I wouldn't be able to do what had to be done.

I decided not to take Faolan. I would only endanger him if I did, and I didn't want that. It was not more than an hour to the castle anyway.

Bit by bit I continued my journey. Reluctance growing with every step. I tried to clear my head from all negative thoughts and feel a little more relaxed, but it was impossible. I didn't look back once, for the same reason why I couldn't cry.

I would not be able to continue to walk towards my death.