Dropping the Bra and Choking the Bird

Ms. Peterson reached into the neck V of her white blouse and yanked on both sides.

**Explosive Ripping Sounds**

Kline's eyes widened in disbelief.

**Dramatic Ripping Sounds Continue**

His little brother leaped for joy!

**Awkward Grunts and Ripping Sounds to Get Past the Seams**

He dry-swallowed when he saw Ms. Peterson's generous bust covered only by a black and grey lace bra.

She didn't have a peak 20-year-old's body, but for a recently widowed yoga mom, she was hot AF!

Kline looked to the sky, giving a prayer of thanks to Suburu. All he had to do was manufacture a reason to leave his mom, then first sexual experience—here he cums!

A system window popped up, blocking Ms. Peterson's rack.

-

[Lithco: Kline, you're in a bad situation right now.]

-

"Yeah, yeah." Kline scoffed internally, "My super healing produces FE137, a super pheromone known to cause mild to extreme sexual arousal in women.

I get the issue. It's extremely dangerous because it can turn me into a neverending scandal magnet.

The pheromone is ironic misfortune gold, especially for a virgin.

But it's bad because it's good, right? So if I'm getting the bad part, I might as well enjoy the good portion. It's like the stalker thing. Learn to enjoy the little victories, Lithco."

[Lithco: This isn't a victory, Kline! You need to get out of—]

The aspiring Chad used his thoughts to push the chat window away from Ms. Peterson's breasts, which were now pushing against his chest.

"I don't like that we're doing this in front of my mom." Kline gulped, feeling the woman's hand moving down his stomach toward his crotch.

"Then let me show you to my hot tub." The cougar said seductively, biting her lip while ignoring the teen's protesting mom.

The horny virgin dry-swallowed. "I'm okay with that."

"Then there's no time to waste." Ms. Peterson said, turning around, "Let's move there with—"

Kline watched a shotgun-style blast of buckshot hit the woman when she turned around. And by [buck seed], he meant high-quality rabid bird-attracting food pellets.

Before they knew what was happening, a flock of aggressive geese sharply navigated course from their annual northern migration and fell from the skies swooping, screeching, and honking like a pack of feathered Vikings.

"AgGhHhhHhhHhHhHhHhH!"

Kline and Ms. Peterson screamed as the feathery creatures descended upon them.

They ran to the house but found that his mom had entered it and locked the glass door.

"Mom!" He yelled, banging on the door as his mother looked at him with a face that said [I'm sorry. It's me or you!]

"Sarah! Let us in—aghhhhhhHHHHH!" Ms. Peterson screamed as the geese attacked her from behind.

Kline watched in superhuman slow motion as the geese bit at her back, periodically snapping at her bra strap and fraying it slightly. He developed a slight chub, hormonally praying that one of the snaps would make the oppressive melon tarp snap off and fly away.

However, when the world's sound returned, he remembered that the woman was getting pecked to death by a violent mob of fucking geese!

"Get the hell off her!" Kline yelled aggressively, "Wait! Why am I not getting mauled?"

He turned just in time to see an angry goose charging at him at full speed with a snapping beak. However, before it got to him, an explosion of feathers weaved through the air, and the bird dropped dead.

"What the fuck was that, no, I mean, this!?" Kline cried, scanning the mound of dead geese bodies surrounding him, "Every goose near me has exploded, but Ms. Peterson's squad tapped!"

He turned back to the screaming woman. The geese had snapped the shoulder straps off her bra, and now only a flimsy mesh frame hid those heavenly Double D's, and it would fly off any moment.

The sight mesmerized him until his conscience bitch slapped him back into reality.

"Gah! Why does my bad luck always crank up my hormones and make me feel creepy directly after!?" Kline roared, extremely annoyed.

He was supposed to be becoming a man, but instead, he felt like a creeper looking at the woman who was stripping and trying to bang him 90 seconds ago! The injustice!

The indignant virgin charged, running at the woman wearing large birds like a coat. Without thinking, he reached out and grabbed a goose by the neck.

HONK!

"Yeah! Do you like that?" He growled, "What does it feel like to almost get what you want from a woman but have a cockblocking third-party rush out to fuck you instead!?"

CRaaaaACK!

Every goose turned to Kline, holding a goose with a broken neck in his left hand like it was a peace offering.

"Don't you see the irony?" Kline laughed with crazed eyes, "We were both migrating to get laid. But you just had to go after my woman too."

The geese dropped to the ground and began backing away slowly in fear, looking for a perfect moment to fly away.

"Well guess what!?" He cackled ominously, "I don't tolerate NTR in my story!"

HONK! Honk! honk! Honk! HONK! Honk! honk! Honk!

Like a demon, he used his unnaturally refined muscles to rush into the rioting geese and grab one before—

CRaaaaACK!

**Epic whooshing sound from swinging a goose by the neck!**

**Legendary impact sound from a goose's body smashing into another goose's body!**

THUD! Honk! Honk, honk…. Thud!

—he used the goose as a baseball bat to kill another.

Kline didn't stop there. He threw his "baseball bat" at the barely-breathing goose he had just home-runned, breaking its spine. Hands now free, he jumped in the air and grabbed a third mid-flight.

**Sound of a goose expressing pure desperation as it found itself in the grasp of the Bird Feed Killer.**

Without mercy, he threw the goose to the ground unceremoniously with full force and—

BOOM! CRaaaaaACK!

—landing on its skull, crushing it under his heel.

Sarah and Ms. Peterson watched the remarkable showcase of athletic ability with blank expressions and agape mouths. They had never seen someone so passionate about anything, let alone massacring large birds with their bare hands!

**Extra satisfying neck-snapping sound**

Kline held the last goose in the air as a warning to the migrating geese that flew by. "If any of you THINK about showing up again, I swear to fucking god—I'll teach you what bad luck means!"

All the geese flew away as fast as possible. Some even turned away and flew south! Even getting laid during the breeding season wasn't worth their lives!

He threw the bird on the ground, spit on it, and then turned around.

Ms. Peterson looked at the man as if he were a god. The poor woman was bloodied, but her appearance had its own mystique. Like… they survived the apocalypse, and now she was offering herself to him.

Sure, his quest to lose his virginity was temporarily cut short. However, the situation T'd him up for glorious savior sex.

Nice!

Kline flashed her a charming smile. "I hope I didn't scare you, [Becky]. I've only recently acquired the power to protect the [things] I love, and what I love most are your…."

The teen watched in slow motion as the frayed strap on the back of the woman's bra gave way, twisting on the final strands.

It would be less than a second before it snapped, and he'd be face to face with a rack of Double D's IRL for the first time.

As a perfect counterbalance to such a mythical development, a light breeze ruffled his hair before—

**Harrowing snap from a 37-year-old yoga mom's kneecap blowing out.**

—an orange bean bag shot from an ARMA 100 anti-riot bean bag gun smashed into the woman's kneecap, making her trip forward right as the bra's strap popped off.

Kline stared at the screaming, barebacked woman in disbelief. He turned around and looked into the distance with his enhanced eyesight.

It was only a glance, but he saw a short, black-clad figure with a beanbag gun jump off a rooftop.

"What the fuck…." He laughed awkwardly, "Are you telling me that all the accidents over the last eight years weren't supernatural forces?

You're seriously telling me that they were caused by professional ninja assassins!?"