Why am I like this?

After taking those books from the library — and burning the other one — I had to work hard to figure out how I could translate those books.

Alexia avoided talking to me for a while, after all, I had deserved it, however, as soon as she calmed down and seemed to forget a little about what happened that day, she helped me.

Returning to the library, I found inkwells that still contained such ink, and with quill pens and paper I was able to go over the new alphabet and modify it to what I could read.

Each letter had a different symbol, but with Alexia's help, I was able to understand them.

What he had confirmed was being very useful for this purpose, despite the time it took to read each page.

I also stopped to think about the things that were happening up until now.

My memory was blank of whatever things I had done in this world. From the looks of it, the last thing I did was fight a dragon — and not just a dragon, but the God of Dragons — using a legendary weapon capable of killing even Gods: The Twin Swords of the Moon and the Sun.

What's more, old Arx commented that he was also with the Presence of the Ancient Red Dragon God: Red.

How would that be possible?

I put my hand over my head thoughtfully and let out a long sigh.

Seeing the sunset over this abyss is so elegant and beautiful that it comforts me. But it's been five days and I have no idea why I'm here.

We weren't given an exact day for that person to arrive who would help us control that power and from what we saw in the few tests we did, both Alexia and I would be extremely dangerous if we walked around without knowing how to deal with it first.

I looked at the pad of paper lying on the floor, next to the coded paper and some books on politics. Does this kind of thing really exist in this world?

I remember I created stories and tales for it, there were cookbooks and everything, everything for players to acquire attributes by reading them in game, but, that's quite different from a medieval world, right? Well, what does it matter now? I can't change it anymore.

I took a deep breath and started putting things together.

Without electric light, out here at this time it becomes Darkness itself, and I couldn't do anything but listen to the sounds of wild animals and maybe contemplate the two moons and the stars in the sky.

I went through the small door—which was even smaller because of my size—and down the stairs to my bedroom hallway.

As I passed Alexia's door, I stopped for a moment. I'd better apologize again... even though it's been a day since that crimson book.

I put the books and papers to one side and with my free hand knocked on the door. Once, twice, three times in a row, but no response.

My body acted out of control, it wanted to open the door and I already had my hand on the doorknob, when I heard a...

— Cough. What are you doing? said Alexia, standing back a little, but still in the hallway, looking at me as seriously as someone ready to scold a mischievous child.

- And me? — Yeah, Wynan, what are you doing? "Nothing, yeah, just checking that this doorknob is working properly."

"Didn't I tell you not to go in there?"

— Yes, I didn't, I swear — what's that? He was "agitated" like a pig, trembling with fear due to the aura that Alexia exuded. Even the dead stone walls would cry out in fear if they could.

"What do you expect to find in there?" - she asked me. But, it wasn't supposed to answer, right? A question asked to catch muggles...

"You—shit. How did I fall into this?

"Hm? What? she said a little awkwardly. It wasn't the answer she thought she would hear.

"Yeah... I know I shouldn't do this, but I wanted to meet with you." That didn't sound all that heroic or even respectful, and why the hell did I still have the doorknob in my hand and books under my other arm?

- For what? You're just a pervert...

— It's not like that, I just can't measure some actions... — finally, I put the books on the floor, and sat there, next to her door, preparing to explain the unexplainable. At that moment I noticed that she had a tray of things to eat, bread, cake, among other things — Is this for me?

- No.

- No? "Well, are you going to lock yourself in your room and eat all this then?" Like a preparation to be able to hibernate? She carried so much stuff on that tray that it would surprise me if it was just for the two of us.

- Yes and no.

- OK I understand. Like blackmail.

- Bribery? No! You who were trying to get into my room.

"Well, I knocked three times and you didn't pick up... I just popped in to see if you were okay." That was good Wynan, best answer in the world.

"I know... you thought I shouldn't be there, at least?"

— I thought — shit, what? Because I said that, I was supposed to not say that, if the idea was to enter with a certain reason. Wynan, you idiot.

"Oh, so you were trying to get into my room.

- Yes No? I don't know. I'm sorry, Alexia." I put my hand to my head and settled into a very humiliating position, right there, right next to her and the blessed door. All that was missing was sucking your finger and crying, in a secluded corner.

"You're very confusing, you act recklessly, sometimes you're a pervert like no other, sometimes you seem like a nice guy, and sometimes you scare me..."

- Serious?

She then sat down there in the hall too, only on the other side of her door. She placed the tray on the floor and dragged it over to me. Was she offering? Well, I was hungry, I couldn't resist, and then I had a cookie or two in my mouth, munching on them like there was no tomorrow.

— Yes... Master Arx said something about that — she looked at me who, when picking up the cookies, was in a very funny scene and took one for herself.

"H-what do you mean?" — I chewed a little and then swallowed the first cookie — Why didn't you tell me before? I'm quite confused now, in fact ever since - I blasted one more and swallowed - I acted recklessly even though I was able to measure them almost instantly.

— Calm down Wynan, well... Master Arx said not to talk to you about it... it's a kind of test. After all, he wasn't sure yet.

- Test? I asked even more confused, and even so, I kept chewing the cookies.

"Here. I got this cake, I made it myself... I mean, I got the ingredients myself this morning and I didn't go to the storeroom.

- Serious? — I took the cake, and took a piece, put it in my mouth and felt such magnificent taste. Our! How well she cooks and... Wait Wynan, what are you doing? Don't lose focus — Hey. You're doing the "test" again, aren't you?

"Yes"—she smiled, but then pulled back and looked at me—"Master Arx commented that you could act in strange ways sometimes. Then he asked me to review his changes and then talk to him when he got back.

"That... am I not able to control this body?"

- Do you want to go out? she asked shortly after getting up and dusting off her skirt.

- What? — so suddenly? Wait a minute... it's the test, right?

"Breathe some fresh air… while we walk I can tell you what Arx said to me before he left.

- Okay for you?

"I can't say, it's up to you... are you going to try to do something?"

"No." For a moment, I tried to decipher what she meant, but, understanding the situation I was in, beyond everything I'd been through, I stated my answer, "It depends.

- Serious? Are you going to answer me with a "it depends"?

- Yes. I don't want to do anything to you, nothing bad at least, but you yourself can see that it's not easy to control me.

"I understand." She looked at me once more and this time it was she who seemed to be trying to decipher me. I sighed and asked:

"Do you still want to go out with me?"

- Yes. I called you, didn't I? Either way, you have to understand what's going on.

- Do you have any idea?

- About this? No, Master Arx only told me what could happen. AND...

"Are you going to eat this piece of cake?" - what it was? Hunger appears, and there is no other way to end it than to eat. And thinking with the Protagonist's Powers is pretty exhausting.

- There is? No, you can take it. I brought it to you.

"I knew it," and I pounced on the other piece, and even as I got up, I continued to pick up a few more pieces of biscuit.

— Convinced — she said with a smile on her face and after seeing me acting in that childish way, she asked — Shall we go?

"But won't it be very dark outside?" — of all the times I've stood on the porch or outside the building when it got dark, I couldn't see more than a few feet. And, just like before, the noises of nocturnal animals gave me the chills.

When porsolar ended and night finally took over, we could only see each other because of the small candlesticks. And speaking of them, there was only one between our doors, one in the kitchen room and one in my bedroom and probably Alexia's too.

Apart from these, all the rest of the building was swallowed by shadows and darkness. Maybe that was one of the reasons I didn't like walking around at night.

"Today is Mystra's Day..."

"Mystra Day?"

As I recall, days 72, 192, and 312 are the Day of Mystra, known to be the time when creatures and demons are released from their curse to walk the earth. Despite the popular tale, what happens on this day is the alignment of the three moons in their full moon phases. By the way...

- Do you know?

— Oh, that ... well ... — what am I going to tell her, oh, I know — I read it in one of the books. Are you referring to the alignment of the moons? On that day, each moon is capable of lighting up the night like the sun itself, but with its silver glow — and I ended my speech with my hand raised like a museum guide.

"It's good to know you're getting through the books."

"Yes…Alexia?

- Yes?

"Can you tell me what day it is today?"

— 12th of Libra.

— And the day of the week?

"Degon II" is what I guessed.

I didn't use the Arkana calendar, even though it had been created, and now I also need to get used to these things. Four hours a day weren't enough, we're going to have to study the Thenderian Calendar too... what a thrill, but no.

I gave a sheepish smile, after all I hadn't read much so far and one of the things I would like to talk to her about, apart from the apology of course, would be if she could read the books for me again. Still, Mystra...

"The true guide, the light that penetrates the darkness, but, with infinite and lonely thirst in its Solitude"

The largest Moon of the Arkana, which shines as brightly as a sun in the nights of this world. Despite the light it sheds on the land, such light comes with a silvery aura that grays everything it touches.

It's not quite safe to walk on this light, as I remember what I created, creatures cursed by the Solar are only able to walk the earth when this event happens. So it would be a kind of Monster Day, right?

Indeed, the light of the moons on the Day of Mystra allowed us to walk without too much trouble. Normally even with the light of the biggest moon it wouldn't be enough, but with the alignment between them, the clarity not only became real but something extremely incredible.

We decided to walk beyond the main walls of this building.

We hadn't gone this far before, but my curiosity allowed me to ignore the fear I was in before exiting the building. Alexia was beside me, carrying a flower with her. She rotated the stem so that it spun gracefully.

— So it's true... — I started to talk — This whole building and its surroundings were made on the side of a great abyss. I mean, we're on a mountain, right? — the question was obvious, but coming from a fantasy world, we could expect anything.

— Yes, that's why we see the tops of the trees and not necessarily them themselves — she answered, continuing to look to the sides where we could see some, trees, only, and all the others on levels below ours.

Then I noticed that, despite the tension with the situation of walking alone down the mountain trail, Alexia didn't seem to mind.

- You are not afraid? I asked, not stopping walking, but looking at the horizon.

- From you? Yes," she answered so quickly it was like a stab in my pride.

"Not from me, well… I mean, besides me.

- Than?

"All of that. Of this immensity, of the unknown... of the other things... I mean...

- Of death? From loneliness?

"Yeah, stuff like that.

"Yes, all humans feel this kind of fear. You don't?

— I don't know — I stopped walking at that moment, looking at the moon so close and so big — You know... in the world I came from, we were capable of living other lives in games...

- AND? She stopped too, surprised by what I was saying. I'd heard the term "game" before, but until then I hadn't gone into detail about it.

I had decided to keep as little information about the real world as possible, however, it was as if something came over me giving me the need to talk about it.

"Yes, but, it was all just a game or several games..." I looked at her in the silver light, so beautiful. "If you died, you'd go back to a brand new spot just to keep playing." Or even ignore that life and start another.

That's the advantage of a game, right? You live another life for a moment without worrying about your own life. In this case, you could play the hero, the villain, or just be someone different.

"Isn't that supposed to be good?" A place where we can't die?

— I understand how you think, but what's the point of living if eternity can't make us dream or wish...

"What do you mean by that?

— Do you know why the races that live less than the others have more living members? — I kind of ignored her previous question because I didn't know what I was talking about, I just let myself go.

— Because the Creator wanted it.

— Yeah, I can't deny it, but it's not just that. It's because they need others to keep living through their dreams and desires. Let's use the example of humans — and I took a stick and on the earth I made a kind of drawing — Humans carry the Eternal Flame, which burns everything it touches.

— ... — she ran out of things to say, but, very interested, she paid attention to everything I said and drew on the floor.

— We can say that it's a disadvantage, but if you look at it from the other side, it's what motivates men to keep moving forward, as a goal in life — and I put some arrows and words in the drawing — after all, when he gets what he wants the previous one, goes in search of the other, being always on the move. When that doesn't happen, it's probably your time to go.

Alexia walked over to the drawing and pointed to the fire.

Then I realized that I had written in Portuguese and probably wouldn't understand anything for her. The curse of symbols would make a barrier to even my explanation. Even so, I placed the stick over the symbols and spoke "Eternal Flame".

- Eternal flame? she asked again, curious.

- Yes. It is like a fire that constantly needs to be renewed. Your dreams and desires are the ways to get the fuel to make it burn. Meanwhile, satisfaction and happiness are this new fuel.

"You said that if one doesn't fill that fuel, it's time to go..."

"..." I nodded, then continued. "This fuel that feeds the Eternal Flame brings satisfaction and happiness, but it also consumes our bodies. And that has to do with the times we live in. If we live a long time, someday we will die of old age simply because our body will no longer be able to pursue dreams and desires as before because of this consumption itself.

"That's pretty sad.

- Sad? We can say yes, however, if you look at it from the other side, this sadness only makes each man look for even more happiness to compensate. Also, the Eternal Flame is shared. So if you're happy, chances are your friends and family will be too.

"I think I'm getting it...

— Answering your first question, about eternity, an immortal creature does not have the need to aim for something that, for a mortal, would need to be done while he is alive. I mean, the time that limits you is also the time that motivates you to do everything that needs to be done while I live — I took a few steps to the side and made another drawing — In this case, someone who is not forced by time to act will not need to wish or dream anything. Of course there are exceptions, but it's like a rule: He who doesn't need to aim for something before he dies, will never need to aim for something.

Why was I talking about all this anyway? What did it have to do with starting the argument?

I never got into a discussion like that, not even in the RPG era and now I even drew on the floor... Yes, I think I understand.

I was trying to create a relationship between the fear of death and the purpose of life. After all, we didn't know what happened to people after they died in the real world, and here and in virtual games, death wasn't the unknown.

I mean, it's not the end, right? I took a deep breath, and maybe got a little lost - and again - in my reverie, I looked at Alexia who took the lead and I started to follow her.

"That was very different, Wynan. I've never heard anything like it and yet it sounds so realistic. Where did you learn this?

"Oh, over there. My thick head isn't just for hitting the wall," she said, smiling. Don't ask me, because I myself don't know where I got all this explanation from.

"Sometimes it doesn't.

"How cruel." She laughed when I said that.

"The Maker knows I meant no offense—Alexia sometimes mentions about the Maker, could it be . . .

"Alexia, you mentioned the Maker…

"Yes, he is God. The God who created everything.

"Do you believe in him?"

- Clear. You don't?

"Say yes, say no."

"How could anyone believe and not believe at the same time?"

- I don't know. Only this doubt comes to me. Speaking of which, I didn't know you believed in the Song of Lights. That was indeed a surprise.

"Yes, I am a follower of Amaranthine and her Songs to the Maker. Got a problem with that?

- No. It's okay to grab onto something, after all.

- What does that mean?

"That we need to have faith to live." At this point I couldn't tell if I was just saying what she needed to hear or if they were my own opinions.

The Cantar das Luzes had been created to be the Christian religion in the RPG. Monotheistic and such. Even so, in the real world I considered myself an agnostic. And even though Cantar das Luzes is the biggest religion in the RPG, with followers and temples, it was funny to know that Alexia was a follower of Amaranthine.

To make it easier, consider Creator as God and Amaranthine as Jesus Christ. Basically they have the same functions as the Christian religion. Therefore, the Cantar das Luzes had as one of the greatest teachings: Love your neighbor as yourself.

But, like any other organization created by "mortals", it had its flaws. Anyway, The Maker did indeed have its own existence — at least in this world — it was just that it was inaccessible to any player or in-world person.

So even a follower of Amaranthine should have faith in the Creator as there would be no proof of his existence. And I'm not even referring to myself as the Creator.

Since she was looking at me a little confused, I continued the conversation with one more question:

- What do you think about him?

- Also?

- AND. What do you think about him? There is a war going on... nay, about to start again, between Arkana and Arglësia. What do you think of the Creator about this?

"He has a purpose behind it, I'm not worthy to understand what he plans to do...

- AND. Good answer—what should I say to Alexia?

What wars were made to give an atmosphere to the RPG? For players to choose sides or even be affected in any way by it?

This was all done just to have something to "play" with, but what about the dead and destruction, where do they look in all of this? I took a breath, this was not the time to try to understand such things.

Alexia looked once more at the drawings on the floor and started to walk away when I asked us to continue. We went down a trail through the mountain seeing only the trees and streams through the abyss. She looked at me and started:

"You say these things, and yet you don't remember much. What are you?

"A human, I think. I look like a human, don't I?

"Yes..." She stopped and looked at me with that "really" expression? "That's not what I meant.

"Let's just say I still remember some things, but it's not about me.

"It's pretty weird.

"Believe me so." I looked at the abyss ahead on the right side of the trail we were using. We sat there waiting for a while until I turned and asked, "You mentioned the Destroyer, Alexia, what do you know about it?"

"It's been a few months since something was happening in the Arkana. Some places were being completely destroyed by a huge wave of energy and explosions.

- Serious?

- Yes. Then some historians started to spread rumors about the Destroyer, an old tale - she held the trunk of a tree and looking at the horizon began to talk about the tale. About that story, I hadn't done something similar and equal to her before, I paid attention to everything she said.

"When the Earth is in its final time, behold, the one with the title of Destroyer will arise, preparing the right moment for his fatal blow. Bringing the end of everything and pain

He was created with only one purpose, to fight. He would even face the gods just to win and everyone he once dared to face.

His abilities would be feared throughout the kingdom, there would be no border for fear. His tyranny would begin at last, and when there was no other way he would deliver his final blow. The end of the world and everything"

"That was pretty impressive. Do you think I am the Destroyer, Alexia?

- No. But I'm not sure. Wynan, what you've shown yourself to have done without "knowing" is something very difficult to accept.

"Yes, I know—even more so for me as anything new is new enough to make my mouth drop.

"Anyway, I didn't see the image Master Arx said he saw. If it's true, the fact that you fought the God of Dragons already qualifies you for that title.

"Didn't you accompany him when he removed my body?"

- No. In this case, Master Arx brought me to the old Academy building and told me what I was going to do from then on...

- Take care of me?

- Yes. He wasn't sure himself. He believed that you might still be alive. Then he used my ability to see the magician and I was able to confirm it for him.

- I understood. So he had to kick in this case.

"Kick?"

- Oh sorry. Betting is the best word.

- Like this?

"I was thinking about this, Alexia. Why would Arx go where I was?

"Why did the village guards call you?"

— If so, what is the name of the village?

- I don't know.

- OK. Why would he think I was still alive?

"Well… your body. He had no wounds and was at the center of an explosion.

"That's what he said, right?

— Yes, but, I saw... —she blushed, but, she breathed and took courage to continue — I saw her body, it was dead, but without any signs of struggle.

— I see... Oops, saw what?

"Why do you try to take it that way? She turned away even more in embarrassment.

"Just kidding, kidding. All good. So let's summarize that he was where he needed to be and realizing that I might be alive due to my condition, he brought me here... I mean, why?

— He said he couldn't take you to another place or it would cause a lot of problems, with the population.

- It's because? Before you met me would you know who I was?