Chapter 24 Zenith's Lament

Zenith [pov]

Click. Click.

I finished the final touches, locking up some now empty cabinets.

Today's my last day. At least for a while.

I locked everything up, and was ready to go home. Anything that is heavy or valuable was already taken home earlier in the week, and all that was left to do on this day, was to clean, and lock up.

Well that was short.

Being the head of the clinic-Well, it's only member, but still!

I can't help but think how quiet these days are going to be. Everything is spotless, and organized, all that is left to do is wait. I sit on a table, and open up a book I stumbled upon while cleaning.

"The Legend of Perugius…"

A good read can pass the time. I drop the book on my lap.

It's been a quiet series of days lately, with not even a kid with a common cold coming to visit. With the cold weather coming in, there are more sick people going to be moving about, but less injuries. Unfortunately my specialty is healing magic, not detoxification, so I can't offer much for the common cold that a good parent can't either. I have a few medicines in stock, for serious cases, but they will have to come to my home if such a matter arises. Some already came ahead of time just to be safe.

I won't be able to make such hazardous walks into the future, Rudy or no Rudy.

"I think my life was simpler when I was adventuring." I flip the pages of the book wondering, if I should read it or not.

It could make me nostalgic for days long gone.

"Sigh," I lament. "I wonder if I'll be a good mother this time around," I rub my belly, that's starting to show. "Seven years ago, was it…" I flip the pages to page one, and start giving it a read.

Once upon a time…

I was born in the country of Millis to the Latreia family, a very rigid household, a noble household, my family. My life was rigid, and controlled back then, nonetheless I was happy.

Or at least I thought I was.

Back then my life was a simple one; a path was made before me, and I was to walk down that path. Do as you're told, and you'll find happiness. That's how I was taught.

I followed all the church's teachings. I had exquisite etiquette. I followed Millis teachings, and if I may be so boastful, I'm quite a beauty. I even had a talent for healing magic. I was the Millis's young lady standard. The ideal every Millis lady was supposed to reach for. Beautiful, Devout, Courteous, and Dutiful. A daughter one can be proud of.

So it must have come as a shock, when I decided to rebel.

Living my life, no… living 'their,' life, under my parent's doctrine, I would eventually come to my coming of age party, where an arranged marriage would be set up for me. It was to be a happy occasion. My purpose until then, to become an earl's wife that one could be proud of, including myself. A life I could hold my head up with pride. The road was laid before me, and I was expected to reach its conclusion.

Needless to say I chose not to.

On the eve of my fifteenth birthday I rebelled against my parents will, and decided that I would no longer walk down the road that laid before me.

Why did I do it? Why did I, after 15 years of subservience, finally rebel against my parent's path?

Simple; envy.

'I' was born under a rigid set of rules, but my sister was not.

Until my 15th birthday, I thought that this life set before me was enough, that I was happy, that it was enough.

It wasn't.

My younger sister around the eve of my 10th birthday had started her own rebellion of her own, she decided to hop off the road laid before her as well, and decided to become a knight. We became distant, with only the occasional letter, as she was busy with training. I thought I would never see her again. She had, for all intents and purposes, been cast aside from the family. Her name became a taboo in our family.

So when I saw her on the eve of my engagement party, I was surprised. She was given a pass to come back to the family.

She was not expected to succeed. She was not expected to reach such a high rank. She was not expected to do a lot of things, but she succeeded anyway. She had become a daughter someone could be proud of as well, if in a different way.

That was the day the seed of rebellion was instilled in me.

We talked and reconnected after not talking to her in years. She depicted a tale of how she lived in the years I haven't seen her. There were some tough times, the training she had was difficult, and at times even painful, but she's managed to rise up the ranks. Even when speaking of the hard times, she said it with a smile on her face.

She was happy.

She had rebelled, and found her own happiness. I wanted that as well, and so I did.

For a moment I thought I could discuss this with my parents, on my birthday, and they could call it off, at least giving me the freedom to fall for someone I love.

…the discussion was not civil…

To be married to a man I've just met, or to seek out my path?

The answer was simple.

I set out that same night, and looked for my happiness elsewhere. That's when my adventure begins.

///

I was naive.

After running away from home I decided to become an adventurer, having learned healing magic to an intermediate degree, which is rare even in Millis. I thought I would easily find a party, and be able to establish a suitable income.

Unfortunately, I didn't know what that meant.

Being the sheltered wallflower that I was, all my monetary expenses were handled by my parents. I had no concept of what is rich, and what is poor.

I was taken advantage of, as soon as I registered.

Looking for parties that had a need for a healer, I joined a few parties, who offered a 'fair,' price.

I was struggling to survive during those days.

I must have developed a reputation of being able to be easily bamboozled as that kept happening.

That is when my meeting with Paul would happen.

When I was traveling with my current party at the time, Paul would appear before us one day, and beat everyone down into the earth. A wild-man coming, and beating everyone up, it was a little worrying. He did not make a good impression. Not knowing the circumstances, I thought I was being robbed at the time. I suppose I was.

Paul kidnapped me that day.

Or at least that's what I thought.

Back then he was not good with words, or at least worse than he is now.

If his party member Elinalise didn't explain the situation in detail I would have assumed Paul was a bad person. Turns out I was being rescued from a party with dubious intentions. That doesn't mean I liked him.

At first, I hated him. He was obviously a former asuran noble, but the way he speaks is like a thug. Frequently breaking his promises, and getting brash easily. Greedy and condescending towards me, and likes to feel other people's butt, and never hides his perverted thoughts. He was insufferable.

But I knew he wasn't a bad guy.

Eventually…

It took a while, but slowly but surely, I started getting used to his mannerisms, and started getting closer.

Even though he looked down on me and mocked me for not understanding how the world works. He always said that there was no choice, and helped me out.

Paul's the complete opposite of me, but he's reliably wild and actually quite dashing.

It didn't take very long until I fell in love with him. But he already had many charming ladies around him, and I'm a follower of Milis. It wouldn't work. That said;

"If you don't sleep with any other woman again, I can sleep with you," I proposed.

He agreed to it with a smile.

I knew he was lying.

But I still thought that it wasn't a problem.

If I get lied to, I can just give up on him.

But I was still too foolish. Too careless. Too naive.

Because I actually got pregnant after one time.

I didn't know what to do. I was extremely uneasy.

I didn't think at all that Paul would actually take responsibility and marry me.

The rest is history.

Soon after I would give birth to Rudy.

That would mark the ending of the first chapter of my last life, and the beginning of my new one.

I closed the book I was reading. Reminiscing about my adventure days is only something old people do.

I'm still young!

If my life was a story, I would be the princess that married the dashing rogue. If life was as simple as that… Well, I think it would be nice.

I rub my belly, "I wonder where's Rudy?" I continued waiting for him.

After Paul's betrayal, Rudy has been my own personal torch bearer, as he walks me to our home. He's a lifesaver.

But he's also difficult to raise. In the fact that he won't let me. The other chapter of my life…

Being Rudeus's mother has not been easy.

Rudy has always been a free-spirit, so much so, that it's actually quite lonesome. Except for the short year after his birth, I almost never get to hold him. I have to sneak-up on him just to do so. Even when he was a baby, he would waddle away.

Let Mama hold you!

At first I thought Rudy was just an exceptionally energetic child, and that he just couldn't wait to go out and explore the world, but later I started thinking I might have been wrong. Perhaps Rudy just didn't love me.

This insidious thought first took hold during 'that,' incident.

Once, two years ago, Rudy was being his energetic self as usual, and I thought it was just going to be the same old. Then he fainted. He had developed Paladin's Syndrome.

Paladin's Syndrome?! How absurd is that?!

If it wasn't for his serious condition, I would have slapped him across his face several times for being so reckless. Luckily Roxy was able to convince me that she would take care of this, and that it was her responsibility as a teacher to do so.

I should have countered that it wasn't, that it was my responsibility as a parent to correct him.

But in my shame I didn't. I didn't do anything.

Roxy being closer to him, I felt would be the best choice at the time to address this matter. Noticing her fervor, and worry for my son, I couldn't help but agree, and let her care for my son.

Paladin's Syndrome; A healing disorder that usually develops in Paladins who have seen extensive warfare. A condition in which the body's meridians are unable to absorb mana properly, and consequently hurt itself when attempting to produce spells. Patients might suffer from fevers, nausea, delirium, sweating, white scarring, mana blockage, and unstable mana casting. Cases of Paladin Syndrome usually develop when a patient is pushed forcefully past his limits, forcing the body to work, or injuries mid-casting.

Severe cases may lead to death.

During said time; the body may experience small cases of euphoria, and continue moving, while malnourished or sleep deprived. Users are highly encouraged to halt healing, or receive healing services from another, until symptoms die down, less the users lose the ability to use mana, followed by a slow death over the span of a decade.

…and that is what Rudy had at the age of 4.

How the hell does a four year old get a condition only seasoned warriors are supposed to get. It's impossible. For him to get Paladins Syndrome it wouldn't be enough to be simply exposed to healing magic every day, but to actually feel the effects. Which meant he had to be injured to a level that healing magic was working extensively through his body. And he had to be injured consistently for Paladins Syndrome to sit in.

And I didn't even notice…

I struggled a lot back then, my son was growing up fast. Too fast, and I was powerless before it. I even wondered back then if he even loved me.

I spent so little time around him, I felt I deserved it.

He tries his best to hide it, but he looks quite unsatisfied at times. Like he's always looking for more, like he can't wait to leave.

Honestly, I've probably spent more time around Caravaggio. Even our maid was able to spend more time with Rudy than me.

That said, despite my early mistakes, I wasn't gonna let it stand. I wasn't gonna let him escape from my grasp. Not just yet.

After the incident, I conspired with Lilia to help me set up some mother/son bonding sessions. She had the wonderful idea of a family get-together, by the lake.

It didn't work.

There was the time with his birthday party, where I bought him a present I thought he would like.

It didn't work.

There was another, when he was depressed about failing his graduation test, and I tried to cheer him up.

It didn't work.

Again and again, big moments, little moments, nothing did the trick. It was like talking to a wall. I don't even think he noticed me. I would ask him about his day, and he would say, 'you know, same old same old.'

No I don't know! What is the same? What is your normal?! Please tell me!

That was our everyday interactions.

Again, and again; Rudy would swim, walk, or run away. 'I'm busy,' 'have to meet Roxy,' 'have to meet Lilia,' 'have to meet Sylphy,' time and time again, he would say something along those lines. It felt like he always had time for something, or somebody, but never his own mom.

I hated it.

It didn't feel like I was his mother. It felt like I was an extra. I don't like to think about it, but… it felt like Rudy just considered me an extra in his life. Someone that's just in the way.

I wondered why he didn't love me.

Then I did the worst thing a mother could do… I gave up.

I thought it would be best to give Rudy what he wanted, and give him his space.

Those were not my best days.

When I got pregnant, I thought this time I would do it right, and I would pamper my child properly, and show them how much I loved them, and maybe… maybe this time around, they would love me back. I was a little lost back then. An odd cocktail of worry, and hope, but soon the winds of change would start to flow.

Rudy started talking to me.

One day out of nowhere he gave me a hug.

Rudy has given me hugs in the past, but they were usually in response to being hugged, or because Rudy noticed that he hurt me. Never did he start it.

I was shocked. I was happy. I was suspicious…

After so long, I was worried that this wasn't real as well, and it was another of Rudy's placations, and is just trying to stay on my good side.

'Did you break something?' were my thoughts around that time.

Regardless, I ignored it, I was just happy to have my son back. I could care less what he broke. We got closer. We started talking, and my worries that it was all a ruse disappeared.

During said talks I realized the truth, this is just who Rudy is.

It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he doesn't know how to show it. It's almost like he has an aversion to showing his affection.

My husband and I must have messed up somewhere, no, of course we did, because Rudy seems to have grown into the type that can't express his feelings properly.

Well, it's fine. I'll set him right! Because that's what being a mama is all about.

Those days were my happiest. Pregnant, with a loving husband and child at hand, and another on its way.

Those days were great.

…until they weren't.

Soon, the moment of truth would arrive.

It was last month when the news of my husband's infidelity came to light.

My world was shattered. I was devastated, and everything became clear.

The fairy tale was over.

My husband had cheated on me with the maid.

The moment I was dreading had finally come true.

I trusted him completely, and he betrayed my trust.

I knew he would do it, but… but I thought after seven years, that he had changed.

I was wrong.

I was betrayed. I was lost. I was in a bad place. I was angry. I was miserable. I was soooo many things. I was just so angry!

Then…

'...you can lean on me,' Rudy's words pulled me out of the darkness. He was there for me when I needed him.

Hearing him then, I came to a realization. Rudy always tries to cheer me up.

I came to realize just what the type of people both men in my life are. Paul is a liar, and Rudy is awkward.

I couldn't help but remember the times he did something wrong, or almost brought me to tears, he would try to placate me, and make me feel better. I always thought that it was for himself, but only now do I realize that Rudy has always cared, he just shows it in his own awkward way.

My worries were lessened.

On the night of Paul's and Lilia's betrayal, Rudy and I were furious. I struck Paul. Rudy struck Paul. We were both of one mind. We wanted justice. We wanted closure.

Rudy, my precious Rudeus. He is a difficult child to raise, with an even more difficult heart to understand, but he does care.

Now it's my turn to care for him.

I rubbed my belly. "It's time for me to be a mom. Jeez, Rudy~ it's not nice to keep a lady waiting. I'll have to teach him how to treat girls later."

Don't want him to grow up like Paul.

Being Rudeus's mother isn't easy. Being Zenith Greyrat isn't easy. Being a mother isn't easy. But… It's an adventure worth having.

"Yosh, I'm chastising him, when he comes over." I pump a fist up, rearing up for my next adventure. I don't want to hesitate anymore with Rudy. I was ashamed of my own weakness once, and let my opportunity to be a proper mother pass me by. "No more!" I psyche myself up.

Rudeus is almost seven. At this rate, he'll leave the house without me setting up a proper bond with him.

When I think about the us from before, I feel nothing but a pit in my heart. I hate it. Never again, awkward Rudy or not, this time… this time I will chastise him when he needs to be chastised and love him when he needs to be loved.

Because I am his mother!

Knock. Knock.

Rudy's at the door.

Finally, he sure kept me waiting.

I throw the book aside. I've had enough of fairy tales. It is time to open up another chapter in my life.

"Rudy~ I have something I want to talk to you-"I opened the door." …about."

"H-Hey, hi dear."

It wasn't Rudy.

"Shouldn't you be doing your rounds?" I asked him.

It was Paul.

"..."

If life was as simple as the covers of a book I'd like to skip this chapter.