224. Dark and Hercules Chapter I: A Normal Everyday...

"Hello! My name is John Stefanio," smiled John, speaking to you, the viewer. He sits on a couch with some paintings in the background, smiling. He is wearing a black shirt that says, "I am Dark. I am Legend. I am God." He continues to speak. "I am John Stefanio. I think you know me as the Superhero... Dark! Yes! That's all me! Authorized by the government to murder bad guys as a superhero. I've been working pretty hard nowadays to keep up with my roommate, Herc."

Herc is shown taking out five different boxes of rice meals from the fridge.

"Herc, what the hell, man?" asked Dark.

"Hm?" asked Hercules, a Superhero who is quite overweight.

"Why'd you buy five orders of Burger Steaks again?" asked Dark.

"Sure thing," said Hercules, as he walked away.

"Yeah," spoked Dark to the camera. "He uh... Does that a lot. He's my roommate. He just moved in with me. Look, I'm a Christian, but I think I haven't seen the true embodiment of gluttony until I ate him."

Hercules is shown eating an entire can of whipped cream.

Hercules spoke to the camera. "Yeah. I'm a Superhero, too. I'm basically Superman, but only better."

"HELP!!!"

Hercules, with a rather large body, flies down with his armor. He wears a golden suit with a red cape and a large red H on his chest. He has a red belt.

"I'll save you, citizen!" shouted Hercules.

An old woman is shown to be robbed by the robber. She pulls her purse back from the robber.

Hercules then punches the old lady in the face as he gives the purse to the robber.

"You're welcome, citizen," smiled Hercules, as the robber ran away. He salutes everyone.

"I used to have sidekicks," smiled Dark. "Yeah, yeah..."

"How many have you had?"

"Seven. They... They were each like sons and daughters to me... I really, really loved them... I... I cared for them. I cherished them like my very own. I... I wish they were still here," replied Dark.

"What happened to all of them?"

"Oh! They all died," smiled Dark.

"How, exactly? Surely you must've tried to save them."

"I believe the first one... Dill... I think that was his name... He was shot by a robber when I wasn't looking..."

Dark, wearing a black mask, black bowler hat, black pants, black coat, black shirt, black gloves, and black boots, is shown to be playing Candy Crush in the car while a robber shoots Dill in the alley behind him.

"I believe the second one, Dylan... He was eaten by a sewage alligator when I wasn't looking... I believe the third one..."

Dark is again, playing Candy Crush, while Dylan is being eaten by a sewage alligator.

"Third one... Dean? Exploded while I wasn't looking... He was killed by my so-called 'Arch-Nemesis.'"

"Dark! Help!" shouted Dean, who stayed in a glass box.

"One more game, kid," said Dark, playing Flappy Bird

"Fourth one? Fell off the building while I wasn't looking."

The two leaped from building to building as suddenly, the fourth kid falls from the top of the building. He grabs onto the ledge.

"Dark! Help!"

"What?"

Dark is revealed to be playing Candy Crush as the child slips and falls.

"Fifth one? Struck by a train..."

Dark is revealed to be playing Candy Crush as the child is struck by a train.

"Sixth one?"

Dark is revealed to be playing Candy Crush as the child is swallowed by a reptilian kaiju that resembles a turtle.

"Seventh one?"

Dark is revealed to be playing Candy Crush as a man in his bathroom takes the boy's kidney out.

"And I never had a female sidekick! What do you know, huh?" smiled Dark. "It's okay. They were 16-years-old. They were all basically adults."

"No, Mr. Stefanio... 18 is the legal age."

"What!?" shouted Dark. "After this, I'm going to have to make a phone call to... parents... Bah! I'll make the agency call 'em..."

"And how long have you known these kids?"

"The longest, I've known them for a day, I think? The shortest was two minutes. Don't remember which is for which," said Dark.

"You kidnapped them?"

"No!" smiled Dark. "The agency was the one that kidnapped them! The FBI!!!"

"You work for the FBI?!"

"Yeah!" smiled Dark. "The greatest federal agency in the world! The Filipino Bureau of Intelligence!"

"Oh. I thought you meant-..."

"I was trained there for twenty years since I was five. I was the son of this guy who was the King of these creatures called the Aswangs. Right! I'm a blood-sucking Vampire, basically... But instead of blood, I eat fetuses, phlegm, hearts, and livers. Yeah... Aswangs... Aswangs are pretty weird...

But I don't eat any of those!

If you're a human, I won't eat that body part! Probably would eat genitalia, though...

Anyways, my mom, turns out, was a secret agent who hunted these Aswangs and she brought me up in the FBI. They turned me into a living weapon who assassinates bad guys and does superhero stuff, basically. I learned a bunch of Martial Arts, especially Arnis and Kendo."

Dark then stands up, revealing that he's naked. However, his **** is censored as he walks to the bathroom.

Dark takes out some shaving cream from the cabinet as the cameras continued to follow him. He takes out his katana, which was in the bathtub. He sprays a lot of the shaving cream onto his legs as he uses his katana to shave.

Dark turns to the camera and gasps.

"God!" he shouted, as he looked rather cross.

The cameraman puts down the camera.

"No, you dolt! At least get me a coffee!" shouted Dark.

"Yes, sir. Right away!"

"You! Cameraman! Show the people my body!" shouted Dark.

Dark's body is actually quite muscular, yet slender. The only strange thing is his small-...

"God, I hate this documentary series you're shooting about me... Why did I make a deal with that guy... Panda bear or ping pong ball or whatever!" shouted Dark.

"Prometheus. Our boss?"

"Yeah, that guy... He's hosting this stupid interdimensional TV Series where some other people from beyond these worlds' pages tell this story to some writer in some world where a bunch of loser readers can read!Who the hell cares about a pack of fanfiction books you can read for free in... I don't know... Wattpad!?It's not like we're just characters and our fates have been sealed long ago by some... otherworldly force. Right, Herc?"

Herc chokes on the shaving cream.

"For fuck's-...!" shouted Dark.

A crew member presses the "Cuss Button."

*bleep*

"-...sake Herc. STOP EATING THE GODDAMNED SHAVING CREAM!!!"

Herc vomits all over the floor.

On the ground, the can says, "Whipped Cream."

"WHAT!?" shouted Dark.

Dark checks his legs to see that his skin is peeled off.

"Wow. It's okay, right? Aswangs can regenerate. Mr. Dark? Mr. Dark?"

Hercules trembles on the ground, vomiting.

Dark stares at his blood as the camera zooms to his face.

The camera turns and zooms to his legs. His skin is peeled and his muscles and veins can be seen as if they were peeled off in amazing precision. The veins are still pulsating and some are bleeding and passing,

The camera turns back and zooms to Dark's face.

The camera turns back and zooms to the legs.

The camera turns back and zooms to Dark's face.

"OH MY GO-!!!"

"(Spanish Flea by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass from !!Going Places!! Written by Julius Wechter. This was Licensed to YouTube by INgrooves (on behalf of Herb Alpert Presents); LatinAutorPerf, UMPI, ASCAP, CMRRA, UMPG Publishing, LatinAutor - UMPG, UNIAO BRASILEIRA DE EDITORAS DE MUSICA - UBEM, and 11 Music Rights Societies)"

"So... What do you think?" asked Prometheus... to me.

I think that these books are pretty damned terrible. That's why I'm going to kill literally... well... everyone!

"Come on! I sent Jotaro, Bruce, and Jessica to do their little adventures so that they'd be led all the way back to where they were originally supposed to be fighting! You!" Prometheus stood up from his throne and pointed at me. "You've been sadistically watching these characters suffer! Each of them, suffering the same deaths and consequences in each book... each repetitive story and background! Every cycle... Every timeline... They suffer! And for what!?"

I stare at Prometheus. I, an unknown force in these books, stare at him, sighing.

"Will you fucking stop that! That! You've always done that! Narrating after you killed EVERYONE I EVER KNEW!!! COUNTLESS TIMES I REMEMBER AND COUNTLESS TIMES I DON'T!!!" shouted Prometheus at the top of his lungs. "AND FOR FUCKING WHAT!???"

To tell a story.

"FUCK YOU!!! FUCK... YOU!!! YOU WILL FAIL!!! MOCK MY WORDS!!!"

Mark*

"FUCK YOU!!! FUCK... YOU!!! YOU WILL FAIL!!! MARK MY WORDS!!!"

Okay, that's better. 3... 2... 1... Action. Take 3.

"FUCK YOU!!! FUCK... YOU!!! YOU WILL FAIL!!! MARK MY WORDS!!! This time, you will fail, old man! You will Goddamned fail! And we will be free from your stories! Free to have happy endings and be free from these endless loops of reboots! MARK MY GODDAMNED WORDS!!!"

Don't blame me, Pro... I'm just a writer.

N o h a r d f e e l i n g s.

*click*

Wade Wilson, with his hand wrapped around Harley Quinn on a cough, turns off the television. They seem to be on a moving train on a desert planet.

"That was a weird Documentary," said Wade.

"Sure was, Puddin'," said Harley.

"Hey, guys," smiled Peter Parker. "What are you guys watching?"

Bruce Wayne sighs and eats a piece of cherry pie. "Probably something fucking stupid. Will you turn down the damned thing?"

"Okay, boomer," laughed Wade.

Dark wakes up in the middle of the night. He is beneath Hercules, who is above him in the bunk beds.

"Weird dream," Dark whispered to himself. "I hate cherry pie, though."

Dark goes back to deep snoring in his sleep.