What Is Love? (i)

{ARMANDO}

"....yes I tried. I was standing there, she was right in front of my eye and I did nothing. I am sure it was my fault." I tell her as I continue sobbing uncontrollably.

She is looking at me, and I can see the pity in her eyes, or is she is feeling sorry for me? Either way, I don't care, the look she is giving me is way better than how I had thought she would look at me when I tell her about this.

I had expected a look that expresses disgust, anger, hatred, and all those bad emotions you could think of.

Yeah, not thinking about it make me know me thinking like that was being over judgmental but that is what I had thought. The first person I had told had looked at me as if I have declared war against the country as if I was an alien who had come to attack and erase humanity.

Heck, those were better. Trust the way I think about myself is worse than anyone would ever think of me. That is what I wake for that is what I sleep thinking about.

"Armando, let it all out." She tells me and I look at her, and she gives me a warm heartful smile it should make me stop crying but it is what makes me bawl my eyes out like crazy. She hands me a handkerchief, I don't if it is hers or it belongs to my mother, or it was just in the room.

Either way, I blow my nose with it because seriously, will it kill me? No. It won't. I don't care. I continue blowing my nose and at this rate, I am sure tomorrow it will hurt like hell.

The waterfall doesn't stop either the mucus coming out of my nose. It is like they have called one another and they have been like, "hello, are you there? let's do this."

This moment is not good, the picture of me is not me. I look despicable. Like if someone gives me a mirror, I won't believe it is me. The image is unimaginable.

I am blowing my nose while looking down, of course, I am not going to blow while we are facing each other, I might be sad and shedding tears non-stop but that doesn't mean that I am stupid. No!

"Let it all out, let it all out." She tells me while rubbing my back, I saw her in front of me, when did she come next to me?

"Shh." She says and the tapping is still on. I don't know if it's her soothing voice or the way she is tapping my back, but man, the waterworks come, and they are in excess.

I have never cried this much in my entire life and it is weird since I never thought the first time I cry, I will be crying in front of her. She pats her shoulder and I look at her through my moist eyes, what does she mean?

"You can… I am here for you. You can lean on me. As I told you from the first moment we met. I told you to remember that you have someone who you can lean on. You are free to use my shoulder." She says and taps her shoulder again.

Well, it was an invitation.

I lean onto her shoulder and when she sees me struggling, she removes my head slowly and places it on her lap. Yes, this is comfortable. I blow my nose and tell her with a shaky voice, "thank you."

"It is okay Armando. I am here. Always." She says to me and I nod then face the other side.

A few minutes pass and I am happy she has not tried to ask me if I am okay.

If it was any other person, they would have asked if you are okay and they could see clearly that you are crying and you are sad and that shows you are not okay. It is the same as when you are at the funeral and people would ask you that, you know you are sad and they know you are sad and you are not okay and still, they ask you that.

I hate it.

"Are every therapist taught how to talk? Like your voice is so soothing." I tell her.

I feel her fingers going through my hair, and my eyes start closing slowly, I think I am going to fall asleep. This is the best and the safe I have ever felt in my whole life. I can stay here forever. I can live with her forever and let her hold me like this.

I love it.

Her soft giggle makes me turn around and look up at her I have never heard her giggle. Never! But I have never been a good boy to her, I have been busy self-loathing, self-hating, self, just put in everything bad which goes with all the negative things with the self.

I look at her and remove a strand of hair that has fallen to her face.

She smiles at me, I move my head and place a light kiss on her cheek. She looks away and now since the tears have run out, well, the water has to wait for some rain and become full again I can see a shade of pink on her face, is she blushing?

I smile and say to her, "I never knew therapists are supposed to show emotions."

She giggles again, and I swear it is the best. I want to hear it and I want to make her giggle more, I know whatever I am saying is not that funny, but hey if she thinks I am funny who the hell am I to wonder why she is giggling.

I look at her and before she answers me, I ask, "Have you ever been in love?"

I don't know why I asked her that but the way she is looking at me tells me she is not mad at me, she closes her eyes and for a minute there I think she is not going to answer me. I tell her, "you don't need to answer that."

"No, that is nothing. Yes, I have been in love."

I nod at her, the way she is looking at me makes me know that the love she has or had is or was working out well, so since she has told me it is not big, I want to know more. I want to know if I have been missing something.

I ask her, "what is love?"