Memory 1 | Love Is A Nightmare

RAVI'S POV:

I was holding onto that vehicle as though I was holding on to my own life.

Actually...

I WAS INDEED HOLDING ON TO MY LIFE.

SHE WAS MY LIFE!

And I wanted to save her no matter what. Even if it would cost my own life and soul, I couldn't bother less. I closed my eyes tight as my hands tried to tighten their grip on the vehicle. Although everything about reality was growing faint at that tragic moment and I can't seem to say anything, I still couldn't give up. My hands were bleeding and I was crying my heart out. Just like my eyes, the sky was also crying heavily and that only worsened the already muddy mountain cliff. Just then, I caught a glimpse of her head, turning around in my direction through the foggy windscreen. Her eyelids seemed almost closed in dizziness.

I screamed begging her to stay still because one wrong move could lead to the exact thing I was afraid to death of. That one terrifying thought that was grinding through the cracked ground of my broken heart. Though the blaring thunder was louder than my voice, and the striking lightning blinded my eyes, I still screamed my heart out because I wouldn't want to see myself without her even in a nightmare. However, she couldn't hear me, I guessed because she didn't stop at all.

Maybe she didn't know.

Or maybe she didn't bother anymore.​

Few seconds... Just a few more seconds before our eyes would have met for one time. Or shall I say, for one last time...

Right at that moment, my limbs went numb and I lost my grip. The jeep rolled off the cliff with a loud banging noise and my whole life along in it.

"ANDWAE! MIRA-YAH! JEBAL... JEBAL... ANDWAE..."

I fell onto my knees and cried louder.

And louder.

AND LOUDER.

But no one responded. The mountain was eerily quiet and lonesome, just like my own miserable heart and the sky was mercilessly piercing through my skin. She left while stepping on my pounding heart for her as I began crawling in hurry towards the now vacant cliff. My body was bruised up all over so badly, and that didn't ache at all, but the moment I realized that I've lost her for good, I felt my whole existence tremble in pain.

It felt as though someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest with hands burning like hell. It began to hurt so damn poignantly. So much that I thought I would die of the pain right away.

However, I didn't...

Even my own teardrops felt like boiling acid, as they burned down every inch of my face with misery and regret while I laid there lifelessly, crying out her name like a coward. My pleas died unanswered in the darkness of that stormy night.

And my entire life froze still in the pain of that very moment.

★

"Wonshik-ah..."

"Andwae...jebal..."

"Mworago?? YAH KIM WONSHIK! IREONA!"

The familiar voice broke into my subconscious world and dragged me right out of the raw moment. Awareness of my whereabouts clicked in my senses, as I slowly opened my eyes but unfortunately, the pain of reality hit my soul at the same time as well. The very reality without her, which seemed like a dream where she kept running away, every single time. The room was in an awful silent mode and I found everyone staring at me. N hyung who was standing beside me approached nearer as I blinked away the remaining teardrops that were threatening to fall.

"Hyung... Mian... Did I sleep for too long?"

"Wonshik-ah... Gwenchana? You had the same nightmare again, didn't you?"

Taekwoon hyung sat by my side and asked in his softest voice. He was worried. In fact, all five of them seemed utterly worried. Especially N hyung. He sighed, shaking his head slightly because he knew what that dream was about. All of them did and it burdened them to accept that there was nothing they could offer to ease my pain in that case. N hyung patted my shoulder gently and smiled a little, trying to lighten the obvious tension in that awkwardly quiet waiting room.

"Gwenchana, Wonshik-ah. Now, hurry up. It'll be our stage in a while, so we have to be ready by then. Ppalli! Ppalli!"

I obeyed our leader without another word as the waiting room went back to its usual noisy mode. After washing my tears stained face, I settled before the mirror and stared at my reflection blankly while our stylist began to do my hair. She handed me a pair of fashion glasses, hoping they would hide the harsh evidence of insomnia under my eyes. A silent sigh escaped my mouth as I closed my eyes again and travelled back to that tragic dream.

She should have been here with me.

Mira...

How I wished to embrace her before going on stage every time...

How I wished to find her familiar face among the crowd and grin like an idiot...

How I wished to have her waiting for me wearing her breathtaking smile when I return home with wins...

How I wished to just see her once...

I sighed in defeat. It was obvious how my hopes about her have deteriorated from wanting to hold her in my arms every day to at least see her from afar once. A bitter smirk crossed my features as I realized how love had really become a nightmare for me but if she was next to me, I truly don't care if it's a nightmare and because of that very reason at times, I'd wish I would fall into an eternal dream that I won't ever wake from. Right then, Kkomae stepped inside the waiting room and led us to the grandly decorated stage.

Loud energetic cheers and cries from our fans filled the room as I immediately put on my most joyful smile. Our fans were the ones who brought us this far and the least I could do for them was offer heartfelt performances with the same amount of affection and energy they give. After all, they have been the starlights that led me towards my success when I was curled up in the corner of my own soul's darkness and I owe all of my achievements to them. While they always conveyed messages with warm words that would make us feel happy and appreciated, members and I work hard in order not to disappoint them in return.

Isn't that what an idol is supposed to do?

"Annyeong Haseyo! We are REAL V! V.I.X.X! VIXX-imnida!" N hyung greeted with extreme enthusiasm like always while our dearest fans did the greetings with us as well. We started to have our usual brief conversations with the Starlights who came early in the morning to cheer us during the pre-recording of our comeback stage.

A few minutes later, the intro beat of our current comeback song began playing and I instantly switched into VIXX Ravi from Kim Wonshik.

★★★

GIA'S POV:

I strode down the flight of stairs at my slowest pace and began dragging myself in the direction of the kitchen. If I was going to have to think straight then I knew that I'll need a fair dose of morning caffeine intake to induce my brain cells. Spotting the beverage pot right away, I emptied its content in my Shinchan mug and began sipping it thoughtlessly.

My mind immediately went back to that dream.

A disappointed sigh slipped from my mouth when I realized that I didn't get to see HIS face, today either.

"Same dream again?" I glanced at the slightly older woman who sat beside me with her own mug of coffee.

"Yeah... The same ending again as well..." And this time it was her turn to sigh.

"It's been five whole years since you left Korea and here you are... still being bothered by nightmares. I didn't bring you with me to see you struggling with an uncertain piece from the past, Gia."

Unspeakable concern was crystal clear in her voice. I was well aware that she certainly didn't foresee this when she decided to give this life to me and it saddened me because I couldn't control it either. Do Lina, the woman whom I love and cherish with all my heart as my mother is a Korean who was born and raised up in America.

I am Kang Gia, and well... I don't really know anything about myself than what I do now.

From what I knew, five years ago, Lina and her husband found me terribly injured in a crashed jeep by the foot of a native mountain range while they were visiting Korea. The couple rescued me from the accident that day and when I woke up at the hospital, I was said to have no memory of myself. Not even my own name. My brain was completely blank as though someone had deliberately erased all my memories.

Ctrl+Shift+Delete

History cleared...

After a few weeks of trying to find people related to me, they finally gave up and decided to bring me to America with them instead. The couple who didn't have children of their own for a very long time was blessed with a child a year after I became a part of their family. Lina believed that I brought luck to them and began cherishing me more than they already have been doing before. Since then, I have been living as Kang Gia, daughter of Kang Junho and Lina with a little brother Kang Noel.

The only trace of my unknown past that I'm left with was, that dream and somehow, my past memories seem frozen at the final moments of that dream as well.

I've been to meet a countless number of therapists to help me remember the whole incident completely but every time they tried to get me to indulge in my subconsciousness, I always ended up having anxiety attacks. It took a while before I came to realize that I was actually acrophobic until one of the therapists discovered and mentioned it.

Apparently, fear of heights had been developed within me since that accident and that trauma was the exact cause of my anxiety attacks whenever I tried to recall the fall. In conclusion, there is no way possible for me to recollect my lost memories.

Ever again.

Although returning to Korea was suggested by a fair amount of people, Lina strictly opposed it. She believed, if there was someone related to me, a family member or a friend, then they would have tried looking for me. It's been five whole years and there has been nothing at all. Junho used to get updates from his family back in Korea to see if there was any mention of a missing girl, but he gave up later too. And... I. I have finally accepted the harsh possible reality of my forgotten past.

I guessed, that I must have been an orphan.

Conversely, that guy from my dream was concluded to be an illusion my mind had created at that traumatic moment between life and death. The therapists claimed that it was 100% possible for our brains to create such illusions to keep us from being affected by tragic realities. It's a way of our minds tricking us.

A beginner level of schizophrenia.

However, to me, he felt more than real to be considered as an illusion because everything about him was way too heartfelt. His voice... The familiarity of his deep voice that was crying in desperation and devastation was too obvious to be ignored. And the unusual sense of safeness I felt from his presence, even if it was just a dream, cannot be explained by any psychological test or theory. I found myself dreadfully wanting to go to him and pointlessly, I keep wanting to fall asleep again, so that I get to hear his voice.

I just needed to see his face once.

Just once.

To know if he's just a play of mere illusion or a part of my actual memories.

★★★★★★

| Title's Song ~ Eternity (VIXX - ETERNITY) |