My Fault

"The sorrow we feel when we lose

a loved one is the price we pay to have had them in our lives."

- Quote by Rob Liano

As Christina overheard that, she eyed forebodingly on me and bit her bottom lip, her mind racing a mile in a minute.

Out of the norm, I crossed my arms squirting in irritation while calmly messaging her to snap out of it. I guarantee that I'm not trying to help her or anything. I was merely defending myself even if I had to take practical consequences; as long as my ample satisfaction will grant me peace. I stood with my chin held high, 'This guy is the issue himself.'

Kelsy happened to had read the mood though in a sense of distinct honor. Her eyes bulged out of her sockets as she smirked applaudingly at me. She may also had been skeptical around this bastard. 'Whoever this guy be, I'm sure that I'm not gonna tag along with him well.'

She elbowed Christina and instructed her one more time, "Do as I told you." Without further ado, they scurried outside in a blink of an eye whereas they left behind this affair into mine.

I patted Albert in the back while counterfeiting in fascination, turning his face into abnormal green, "Excuse me, sir.-" I keep an eye on his feet, clicking my tongue beyond belief, "I'm sorry but your filth is touching the ground."

He snickered scornfully with fingers situated on his hips, " So you're initiating our situation to such-" An infernal snigger drawn upon his face as he wagged his head in negation, "-What an abominable way to rout my primary purpose."

I eyed inquisitively on him, slipping my palms inside my pocket while the god of certitude newly blessed me. 'I'm not certain when did I got the balls to stand up to a dude who clearly wanted to kill me although I'm not sure myself why... unless', "So what kind of problem you're dealing with? Jealousy over Christina for getting handed off to an ordinary guy like me?-"

He smirked spuriously, not admitting defeat. 'Uhh... This guy.' I showed my teeth as my veins popped off my neck, "-I'm sorry for getting your wires crossed but I had no other connection with Christina other than us being strangers. Stop drooling over absurd misconceptions!"

Suddenly he erupted into laughter, sarcastically throwing in the floor while clenching his chest as if his lungs will come out of it, "Oh... man, I am so exceptionally delusional-"

Without warning, he aimed his linear punch right at my chest as the forceful blow propelled me towards the concrete floor. In shock, the pain surged throughout my internals, every time I let out a deep breath each and every seconds. My eyes teared up outrageously, "What on earth!?" I shrieked horribly.

He jeered repulsively while resting his knee on my rib cage, causing me to howl in extreme agony, "If I were you, I wouldn't fancy myself to defend such claims; since I myself if I'm the suspect is pretty guilty of stealing someone's belonging."

I muttered under my breath, "Belonging? Who would steal anything that belongs to you, considering that such is obscene like the owner himself? Christina was never mine for f***s sake!" 'Did he just straight-up told me that he owned Christina and she is for no other? What's wrong this guy? I've met alot of weirdos to take all of this in.

Having said that, his upper lip edged and his eyebrows furrowed as he glowered, ready to aim his second strike at my skull, "My pride was wasted over a junk like you! You had thieved my one and only happiness, built interest over society, and conclusively favored by that old man. Now that you'd left for good, I was still blasted off with resentment. After all he still had deep concerns over your departure, even though you triggered an offense that will cause his company to downgrade financially and communally!" His forest green eyes squinted, struggling his tears to come out of its hollows. He gritted his teeth as his emotions buried him under the ceiling.

I wrinkled my nose and quavered in bewilderment, 'What did I do?' "What do you mean? I know nothing of this! What are you on?" 'Was I confident before then? Please kindly forget about that. I could piss on my pants at this moment.'

He bit his down lip while his chin jutted not believing what I had stated, "So you got amnesia... huh? You had forgotten that you murdered this precious brother complex friend of yours, right?" A hoarse roar pitched out off his vocal folds, "-I'm disappointed of you even before Christina showed before my eyes." Words started to echo at me again. 'You disappoint me, Aiden.' The horrors back then... that I don't want to recall ever since.

I snapped as my mixed emotions of hindrance and perplexity swallowed me raw, "How- Why are you playing the joker card all of a sudden?! What makes you-"

He laughed artificially letting in his wicked cool as he grab my collar close to the extent of ripping it apart, "Well duh... it matters to me. I was about to forgive you; afterwards you are living the commoner life. But on the other hand, you'd got a rough day not inviting me to be interviewed in this big project of yours. It was only lately that I got the news from my fellow workers here-"

He laid his gloved hands and stared blankly at the ceiling, "-I was like, 'Now that I have this close proximity of arranging a reunion with this brat, why he couldn't simply greet me first like the old days? We can have a bond with each other: eat meal together, joke around like those miserable times we had was just the rotten leaves falling every autumn.'-" He faced at me unbelievably, "-And you can't simply do that?"

My confusion did further anguish upon my existing self. 'Wait... Dude, what are you spouting out of nowhere? I'm really sure that me and Christina had asked every single of them- No way...'

My memory all at once recollected back towards yesterday...

'After going through so many steps, I was still so loss beyond hope; but then out of the blue I noticed that we sort of skipped another door. I asked permission from Christina while pointing my index to the clinic's name card Albert Scott, General Surgeon, "Ummm. This-" She declined, walking without delay as if knowing that I'm about to request this anyway. She insisted with an honest voice, "Of course no, I don't want you to go into trouble." I baffled, Eh... 'Christina had notified me in the first place.'

I'm not even sure if I was happy or not. 'Thank you Christina for once', I mumbled. "Then it's a marvelous thing! I'm afraid that if it were you, my ratings will go down in the process." I glowered at Albert, clenching my teeth while my head boiled in anger.

Without delay he attempted to punch me, swallowing his saliva down his throat with a smirk like that of a thug, "You... can now meet your buddy towards that hell! I'll help you reach that goal." I shielded my face from him seeking for protection. My heart pounding off my chest.

It was only then when an interruption came from outside the door. A womanly voice emphasized alarmingly, "Excuse me, Doc. We are starting the operation for five minutes. Doc. Kelsy awaits you."

A sense of loss approached him as his nostrils flared in a letdown. I sighed in relief, 'It is hard to find words to express my gratitude for this unknown person. Ah yes, thank you for heaven's sake.'

Albert stood warily without confessing his mistake... of course he won't, "I wouldn't pester you anymore; as long as, you will do one thing for me." I griped confoundingly, staying still down beneath as though the heavy weight was driving me relentlessly into the ground, "What?!"

He demanded while his dangerously placid eyes peered into mine, "Never talk, touch, or look at Christina; or else this normal life you had will be tormented into bits." 'Oh wow thanks. I'm totally scared.'

I rolled my eyeballs and muttered faintly, "That's three things-"

He cut me off, his expression insisted me to stop, "As an early warning."

Mr. Scott departed insidiously and opened the door as a person wearing a white ppe fetched him from outside. Seconds later I am certain he was a meter away from the door, giving me the time to get up. My heart bounced abnormally and ribs throbbed excruciatingly like I accidently ingested a burning object; thus, shorting my breath fierily.

'Again, what the hell did I do to deserve this? I frankly convinced him that I have nothing to do with their affairs and this is what I got? It is only my second day and I already got a threat. First, there was this virus running around; and now, I was supposed to intrigue between the lunatic doctor's and ass woman's business.' 'Why would bad luck prevail upon various places? How am I supposed to live my life here in fear of such?'

I sighed melancholy, Guess... I was meant to be pressured within such instances. The fact that during my lifetime I've gone through hell way worse than that. I was reminded again, 'After all your father had still deep concerns over your departure, even though you triggered an offense that will cause his company to downgrade financially and communally!'/ 'So you got amnesia... huh? You had forgotten that you murdered this precious brother complex friend of yours, right?'

I retorted mutely, 'Who is Albert to know this?' Thinking about this, sure is unimaginable as if I am an ignorant whose curiosity aggravated after coming across a restricted area. I reflected silently, 'Did I overlooked something distinguish and noteworthy? What did I do in those past years to infuriate him?'

After contemplating the truth regarding this uncomprehend incident, I stood stiffly from my spot. The muscles at my bosom winced in discomfort. My eyes twitched as if my face had been splattered by sand dust.

I screamed for air as the spasm rise from my bronchus and meditated, 'What matters most is who am I today- I was born in this world believing that.' Following that I hiked severely, attempting to withstand my chronic injury. 'Every step becomes heavier towards your final destination.'

A cluster of individuals were staring uneasily at me, every time I walked pass each of them. Of course, it's no shock for me; all in all, my appearance gave this effect to those people: I was leaning on the wall maintaining my balance, limping frequently like a slowpoke zombie wandering, and breathing rapidly the whole time wearing unaccordingly my protective gear.

Once a security guard asked what happened to me and I was like 'Wow... thank you for finally noticing me'; but instead of requesting for help, my foolishness slipped out of my mouth, "I was practicing for the play... haha and provided with a side role, umm... one of the zombies from the Walking Dead musical (Thought there'll be one) perhaps, by the theater producers. Bro, do I look good?" and he was like, "If you are practicing then do it outside, this is no place for rehearsals." So I had to go through the dilemma desperately again.

I staggered through the white cubicle containing the clinics of various specialists, dropped by the steel elevator going to the first floor, and drifted within the busy halls enclosing the wards of outpatients and COVID 19 victims. Ivory clean walls stretched towards the forward path. Five-seater stainless chairs and wooden hospital doors with aluminum frames stationed on the sides of each room. The atmosphere was rather scorching as the rays of the sun ignited domestically.

As per usual, health workers were active as always. Most were doing their rounds and few were dragging respective patients who were lying on the aluminum alloy stretcher to interchange quarters. Previously, a variety of health-care staff were rushing to the ICU almost knocking me across like a hay stock. In times like this, they could only look forward rather than be cautioned sideways. That I could understand, even if I myself need medical help.

When I toddled down before the ER, I settled down the nearest iron bench which is on the right of the white sliding hermetic door to wait for Kelsy. I was short of breath. My throat was kind of sore and the muscles on my chest ached intolerably, burning my organs from functioning. The nuisance till then was still chasing my mental presence. 'Guess... this is the only thing I could do for now.'

Beside me was a wailing woman in her twenties. Her wavy midnight ruby hair lowered down her shoulders as she shroud her face with millennial pink fitted gloved hands. She wore a long sleeve yellow polka blouse and clear white pleated midi skirt below. Her golden loop earing pierced on her auricle and her simple CZ layered gold necklace linked around her collar. A slim man in a tuxedo stood alongside. His ash brown hair, side-parted. His chevron mustache covered his entire top lip.

Without wearing a mask, he encouraged her formally, "Ms... I apologize in advance for interrupting you at this point but it is necessary to eat your meal before engaging-" The woman took out her hand and regarded deprecatingly at the servant like guy. At first, I thought she was a Victoria Secret model or something but I realize her image doesn't fit the criteria.

Her eyeline makeup smudged under her bags as the tears ran down her rosy cheeks. Her reusable white mask was a little bit smeared on tint red (must be from her lipstick). All the way, her horrid face affected the way she looked. Not only that though, her heavy mascara would had fooled young man (or woman); in view of the fact that she's an oldie, possibly... on her fifties.

She croaked charmingly although her blatant treat didn't meet my perspective of her: a sloppy foreman controlling her henchman, "You'd pledged back then to suppress a word unless I allow you to, so please contain yourself." 'Isn't that too vague. Just say 'shut up'.' I moaned silently.

In terms of what she begged, her servant obeyed grotesquely. He bowed down his head last second and with a quick turn facing his back to ours, he went his way through the passage at the left going to the exit while reaching his black barrier mask within his blazer.

As the man promenaded through the lobby, the mistress furthered her sobbing. She leaned on the wall miserably while tightening her white skirt. Even with her cries, prolonged silence moved between us.

It will be really disturbing of her, whether or not my guts sought to ask her. A momentary feeling of sympathy throbbed on my vessels as the beating relapses from the pain, which was peculiar for a misanthropist as I am.

Of all odds, why did this tiny piece devoured me at the rough patch. I had no other time for so; especially that she herself insisted 'please contain yourself'. That's what I thought, but my airhead self didn't go as much as my suppositions tells me to.

My eyes clenched with compassion while calling to her soothingly, "Excuse me, miss." She turned her head and eyed at me as if I was a clown, her blue cornflower eyes were reddish from crying. A little bit of wrinkles formed on her facial skin. She directed at me in endearment, "What is it young boy?" 'Don't call me that.'

I asked her, instantly knowing her situation, "Are you the patient's mother?" From this time, I reckoned she's not gonna answer me anyway prior to her particularities. Notwithstanding, she unbelievably replied a 'yes' refraining herself from breaking out a cry; which made me also conceal myself from screaming in pain, as the vast impact of her substantial effort overwhelmed me.

She suggested abruptly, her head pushed forward with interest, "I really need something from you..." A crease casted between my eyebrows as her amused aura flied close to me, "Umm... what is it?" Her hand suddenly held to mine which was stationed on the seat and the other's finger was twirling her curvy hair. As usual when this happen, big lumps molded on my throat. 'I doubt that I'm gonna live the next day not to regret talking with this old lady'.

A spot of light danced around her optic as she stumbled over words, "Can you buy me breakfast?" In response, I pulled myself backward and raised my hand in shock. My eyeball twitched subtly while complaining at her by matter of routine, "Breakfast? Then call back your servant to deliver it for you. I don't have any money to start with!" So this 'something' was actually a meal. 'Is pleading a stranger for a handout her remark of introducing herself? Come on, she look rich at first glance!'

She bribed triflingly as her eyes flushed with pity, "I can't trust them for my sake so please... I will annually pay you-" She drew a cross across her heart, "-I promise." I retorted contemptuously, "Never! You are taking it too far just to ask me for a plate. You had cash so use it wisely!"

She enveloped her arms with a cynical smile, "Since I don't have it right now and my tummy is really hungry; while you're better off leaving me to starve like this behind-" I shut her mouth from babbling nonsensical things.

I stood outward, clenching my fists and gritting my teeth, "Fine! Aside from paying me yearly." She giggled delightedly, "So this young guy after all is generous." I clicked my tongue in annoyance, "I'm doing this 'cause you won't zip your mouth. Nothing more to it." She smiled knowingly, "This young boy sure doesn't admit anything." I demanded at her, "Shut the hell up!" 'Do I have to say 'shut up' to every woman I met?'

Since the old woman insisted me for food, we have to go into certain places which means I had to go through hell all over again. To my surprise, she didn't even notice me tripping occasionally at some gaps on the cement floor... or maybe she didn't care because her eyes were searching for chicken and pasta.

As my knees began to wobble like jelly from strolling, a sudden feeling went through me. A single gulp swallowed through my throat, 'We are lost...' All this time we were wandering around this maze, confident that we will be able to get through; but now, I don't know where to go anymore.

The woman asked me in curiosity, her smile wide and convincing, "Is there a problem?" I answered her with an awkward laugh, "Nothing..." I scanned my surroundings, observing the movements around the interior. From the heavy duty PVC swing doors inside which was in front of us, the workers were working on various medicines and ailments. They were testing blood tubes, analyzing the aggregation infection data, and checking prescriptions of patients while uniformed in sky blue.

Having seen that, my mind adjusted to where Christina toured me around. This area is from the infection control department, a half mile away from the ER... 'When did we get here?' Suddenly a person in white passed across us and looked at us, thinking like 'Why are the two citizens out here?'

Considering that I had no other choice, I asked him inevitably, "Do you know where the cafeteria is?" He answered me, smiling as if we were joking around, "Umm... we don't have any cafeteria here... We only eat in vacated close areas." Out of the blue, I jumped recklessly which made both him and her jolt in surprise, "Tell me where this close area is." He responded, his head held back, "To your right."

We stared at the right at once, the pastel blue sliding door caught my eye. I cackled roughly as the awkwardness went through my digestive tract, 'In the end, where not actually far off from the cafeteria... no, close area.'

While the old lady ate her curry meal across the rectangular mahogany table, I was reflecting on some memories of my life a while back. From this time, I did all I could do to remember every single of them. I'm sure I haven't met Albert back then. But why is he shouting at me as if this occurrence he had gone through was my fault?

And yet he knew about this specific moment I didn't hope all those years... 'So, You had forgotten that you murdered this precious brother complex friend of yours, right?' It made me feel ill at ease... given that this incident was the basis of my present self.

The guilt had taken me over down the fiery road, wishing at the back of my head that it should not ever plummet me to death.

I was so preoccupied with suspicions and hunches that I was not able to perceive the old lady waving at me for notice. Her eyes were damped and her mouth turned down at the corners in concern, "Has something happened?" I attended to her, my face generally immobile, "Nothing in particular-" 'Are you the patient's mother?'

Without any hesitation while jumping off the next topic, I sat erect and questioned straightforwardly about her daughter, "-So... how are you coping in regards of your daughter's condition?" Having said that, she laughed it off fanning away her sadness, "Actually I'm not really coping with the situation... Inside me, I can't convince myself that I'm good as a mother should be." My skin blushed red in shame. This is too much of a sensitive topic. 'What will I do if this woman started crying again?'

She continued while stuttering between words, her head turned down, "Luna is always a frolicsome kid. She can't stand, staying in one place... I was too busy and everything- My life was all about work... leaving my daughter behind in times even though she needs me the most... She always wanted to meet again her brother in this hospital, missing him these few months while separated from each other... so I guess thats why it happened-"

She sighed shakily, "...Thinking about it made me responsible about her condition today." Having heard that, I gazed away from her, yearning to be not drawn in sympathy; whereas, her teary blue eyes darted at me as if she's asking for comfort. 'Comfort?... no, I'm not that kind of guy-'

Needless to say, I hate going around with people's business. I combed my leather black hair between my fingers, my face impassive without taking into account her puppy dog eyes. I was tapping my feet below the table and clicking the surface like I was playing the piano, eager to leave as much as possible.

The lightbulb overhead illuminated the cinnamon-bricked room as the glass scaffoldings were shut, blocking the intensified tension from the two of us while the noise of the centrifugal fan resounded in the background. 'I will not...'

When out of the blue, midgets of memories circled through my brain, rewinding back when I was a twelve year old kid.

The winter wind whispered on my ear as endless colored leaves from maple trees descended fluidly, landing one after another on the solid ground floor. A kiddie play ground stood behind blurred in the distance, without a single soul sliding, swinging, and talking through the breeze; as one curly-haired and chocolate skin teenager wearing a blue sweater and a dominant white hat, caressed my cheeks with a look of heartbreak illustrated on his face.

He kneeled down the clay platform adjusting to my height and apologized dearly as though he had caused millions, his grey eyes held low in regret, "Please forgive me. This is my fault. If I supervised you, this would never happen-" His lower lip trembled as the tears from his lids seek for an escape.

As he had spoken his words, I glimpsed dimly at the wound on my arm as blood cascaded down.

While he was covering it tightly with an orange polyester handkerchief, I flinched as the pain trickled on my flesh. He hesitated in a minute, biting his bottom lip and squinting his eyes; thereby casting myself down like I'm sorry for my own self- 'Sorry for letting the person feel guilty, despite not being the fault for it.'

Even if the grey clouds will eventually rain droplets of water, the most valuable thing that I can do at this moment is to watch him fabricate a smile on his face.

At this stage, my precise words from the past flowed out of my mouth at the present as the old lady's eyebrow raised higher than the other. I preached keenly, twinkling my eyes as the arid humid unruffled the gloomy skies, "Here I am pained and lost in places-" Every moment I'd experience for the day was articulated strikingly by the younger me as if it had a worthwhile lesson of its own.

"-Sought after by one shard and another, vulnerably crumbling as the heavy burden weighed down my composure. But still standing unsubdued knowing that the only way to evade this disaster is to go through the right path where intimate connection is there-"

I smiled at him convincingly, my eyelids closed while giggling contagiously as if this physical pain inside me was like the asterisk on the telephone, "I'm contented of you being with me,... always empathizing in every aspect I have that you can't grasp your own. As a result for making myself ignorant about your consciences and worsening it blindly on my favor."

"Its not your fault. The only one to blame is me myself for being unsecured and inattentive about others conflicted feelings. If you think about the other then this responsibility will upset you more in the near future."

I insisted with much more boldness than I could ever had done in my existence, "So scold me whatever. Let out all your frustration against me." At that specific time the nostalgia I had before everything took place, faded away like pictures being burned in accordance of the new ones.

By then I was back in the present, I faced at the old lady whose eyes were sparkling in astonishment, her smile a mile wide like a proud mother watching her son dance 'Swan Lake' in front of audiences in distinct colors. 'Did I composed a half ass speech? Wish not because... I don't care.'

After a moment of silence, she finally attempted to voice a word. However unanticipatedly, someone in a white ppe burst out from the door.

Judging his height and the way he speak as if we were a thug, he must had been the person who directed us to this room. He alerted at us, gripping the knob while peeking discreetly inside, "Is Mrs. Scott somewhere here?!"

I wandered questionably, 'Scott? That surname... is gravely familiar...' The old lady stood high eerily, her eyes widened in alarm while stuttering, "It's... me." The health worker locked his nut brown eyes to hers, full in regard, "In behalf of your daughter's situation, Doc. Kelsy is currently waiting in front of the ER." As he mentioned that a glimmer of hope passed, her mind racing a mile a minute.

Without a second thought, she scurried through the hall not pending for me and the worker. I followed trying to keep up with her pace even with my fatal injury.

Even in the darkest of days, hoping for the greater good is rather refined than expecting nothing upbeat but star-crossed presumptions.

I was awfully sluggish and slow barely holding myself up, relying on my insufficient muscle strength while shifting my legs from one step to another. After going through one hell of a journey, I was finally ahead of the emergency room, wise enough to know that she already had arrived before I could. At the right timing, a wail bellowed from the location. Having heard that, my chin pulled in and my heart beat quickly as if I'm running around the arena in twenty laps.

As I fixed my eyesight straight towards the ER, I had a difficult time swallowing back my solicitude. In the distance Mrs. Scott fell to her knees, crying out as her agonizing sobs dragged her down easily by the earth's gravity.

Thorough in regret, Doc. Kelsy inclined forward her head turned down and eyebrows held low, bloated with shame while stroking lightly the old woman's back with emotional comfort. She consoled her as much as she could do to alleviate her unfeigned sorrow, "I shall take full responsibility for failing the procedure... There's a chance but-"

She lifted herself up from her position facing directly at Mrs. Scott and bowed down at hip-level in utter remorse begging for consent, "-Please accept our sincerest apologies." Abruptly the old woman huffed and puffed, glowering furiously at the doctor as thoughts of her daughter's passing whirled her head.

My heart did a backflip witnessing Kelsy sniff as the cold tears threatened her to let loose.

My protective self urged myself to shield them from going through a girl fight, intimidated by Mrs. Scott's likely aggression. But to my surprise, she bit her down lip and closed her eyes while subsiding herself from slipping out all thousands of criticism against Kelsy's devastating setback.

As ceaseless tears coursed down her cheeks, she growled at the heavens her terms of a motherly love incapacitated through the air while escaping the resentments by then in contrary of her daughter's negligence, "Luna! Why can't you ever listen to me? I once promised to treat you more than I could ever do. Can you just please for once be mindful?- and trust me like you always do with your brother!"

She grappled her chest as the anguish thorned through her vessels and muttered under her breath. In reaction of Mrs. Scott sudden outburst, Kelsy's mouth dropped open, her eyelids blinking away her involuntary grievance.

"-If you had understand me, I would take you to places more... But since you can't, you were stubborn... in front of your one only mother who had go through the trouble to bore you-" I cut her off as I wrapped my arms on her shoulders, finally keeping close with her in comfort.

All this time, I was focused on keeping up with them not even noticing how much pain I had to assert myself. Since the only torment I had at this moment was to see these two, divulged their radical sentiments over the death of someone significant to them.

I reassured her with a soft voice, "You are a good mother. You always were till the end of her days...-" As I put my insistence into words, her sobs lessened and a contented smile plastered through her lips while she rested her forehead on my arms.

Kelsy giggled unintentionally, once again waking the butterflies on my stomach.

'This message I had said gone through Mrs. Scott all in all.'

I added soothingly at her, "What I formulated earlier... Luna must had thought the same thing as me. I guarantee it from the bottom of my heart."