The Burden

The days were beginning to shorten. With the sun going down earlier and earlier, it was starting to be dark by the time I left work every day, despite how early in the evening it was.

A chill hung in the air, making me bundle up as soon as I stepped through the automatic doors. I almost thought about skipping the gym in favor of heading home and curling up in my warm bed, but I didn't do skip days.

"You sure I can't convince you to come with us?" Devon pressed. "Tomorrow's Saturday, so we're meeting up around nine tonight. Should be plenty of time for you finish at the gym and do your shopping?"

Devon and I always left together—since we were partners, we usually finished all our stuff up at the same time, anyway.

I sighed and gave him a wan look. "I'll think about it, okay?"

"Sure, sure. You got my number."

"Yes, Devon."

He put his hands up in surrender and then gave me a light tap with the back of his hand. "You want a ride to the gym?"

"No." I shook my head. "I'm going home first to change, then I just jog down to the gym and—"

"On those legs?"

I frowned. "It's not far from my apartment complex and it's perfectly fine for me to jog. I do it every day."

"Alright, alright. Your complex doesn't have an in-house gym?" he asked.

"It does, but it's terrible."

"Ah. Well, you want a ride home?"

Again, I shook my head. "I'm fine, thank you. I'm sure you've got your own stuff going on, I wouldn't want to put you out."

Devon shrugged. "Alright, suit yourself."

"I like the bus," I said, feeling oddly defensive. "I don't meet anyone on it, but I see a lot of people, and I get time to think and reflect. And it keeps my carbon footprint down to a minimum."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Devon said with a grin.

I glowered at him and said, "Don't wanna miss my bus. I'll see you Monday," and headed off to wait at the stop.

He waved at me before walking to his parked car.

The cold didn't bother me much, even as I stood at the stop with one other person. It took several minutes for the bus to arrive, but it was right on time at least.

I swiped my pass and just as I sat down, my prepaid cell phone rang.

A quick glance at the caller ID made me sigh, but I answered the call all the same with a well-mannered, "Hello?"

"Hi, baby! It's Mom."

"Hey, Mom, what's up?"

"I was just thinking about you and thought I'd call. You still at work?"

Grimacing, I settled into my seat. It had been almost two weeks since the last time I'd spoken to her, and twice as long before that. Part of me wanted to keep up more often, but the other part thought it was better this way.

"Nope," I said. "Just got on the bus to go home. Gonna go to the gym afterwards and then buy some dinner, I guess."

She was quiet for a moment, probably trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to without starting something. I raised my eyebrows and just waited.

Finally, she said, "You have any fun plans for the weekend with . . . friends?"

/There it is. The bait./

"No, not at the moment."

"Mm, ok. You've made friends though, right? Everyone's treating you ok at the office?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mom, everyone's nice. This isn't the playground at school."

She huffed. "Well yes I know that! I just have to make sure no one's picking on my baby and that she's not lonely."

"I'm not lonely, I promise."

"So you have made friends!"

"I have my partner, and I'm friendly with some of the people at work. I get all my socializing done there," I assured her.

And whatever interactions I had at the gym. Mostly would-be suitors or people asking if they could have the machine I'm on next. Still, though, those were interactions.

With people.

Mom still didn't sound convinced. "Well, alright sweetie. So long as you're happy."

"I am," I lied.

"Try to make some friends, though? This partner of yours—do you see them outside of work at all?" she asked.

"Sometimes, for cases."

"That doesn't count! That's still work."

I shrugged. "Yeah, but we're off the clock."

Even through the phone, I could feel her disapproving look.

At that point, I was ready to say anything to get her off my back.

I sighed and chewed on my bottom lip before saying, "Look, he invited me out to drinks tonight with a few other people from work. I guess I could accept."

"Oh, baby, if you're not comfortable—"

"It's not that I'm uncomfortable," I assured her, "I just—I don't get out much, y'know? I don't know how to do this kind of stuff."

She made a sympathetic noise. "You used to be so good at making friends. You just need to get back out there. I'm sure it's like riding a bike. Once you put yourself out there, you'll remember."

I leaned back against the bench seat and held the railing when the bus stopped to let someone off. "Maybe."

"You're very likeable, Nichole," Mom said, switching into her mothering tone. "You can't let what happened keep you from having a life forever. You've been taking your meds?"

"Yes," I said, after pausing. Another a lie—but only a half-lie this time. "Mostly the sleep aids. I don't really need the antidepressants anymore."

"That's good!"

Before she could try to pry any further, I asked, "How is everyone else doing?"

Anything to move the subject off me.

She happily dove into how well Alan was doing at school at what my sister was up to. I made sure to actively listen, but I was only partially checked into the conversation.

I'd trained myself not to call, not to get too involved with my family and their activities. It was easy when we were so many states apart from each other—my siblings had their own things going on so they never tried to contact me, anyway.

Mom, on the other hand . . .

Dad would send a text every now and again, but he left it to Mom to keep me updated and to update him. We were both alike in that way, I supposed.

It would just make it easier on them, in the long run. If something were to happen to me. If I were to . . . go away.

"Okay, Mom. I'm at my stop so I'm gonna let you go," I said.

"Oh! Of course, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk your ear off. I hope you have a good time tonight with your work buddies!"

Right. I'd said that.

"I'll try."

"You'll be great."

I thanked the bus driver as I stepped off and then I returned my attention to my call. "Thanks, Mom. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, I love you baby."

"I love you, too."

"Bye, baby."

"Bye, Mom."

Before we could get trapped in a loop of good-byes, I hung up and shoved my phone back in my pocket as I walked into the gated complex where I lived.

No matter what I did, it would be hard on my mom. I would never win that battle. No matter how estranged I tried to be, it would be a blow that devastated her.

The guilt was almost enough to convince me to never call Wolf.

That list of cons was only growing longer.

I walked up the stairs to my apartment and tossed my bag on the ground by the door before turning on the entryway light. I went straight to my bedroom and stared at my dresser for a moment.

My hands balled into fists.

There was so much here for me, but there also wasn't enough. My mom, my work, my apartment, indoor plumbing and fast food.

Anything with Wolf was a mystery.

Taking a deep breath, I set my hand on the handle of my underwear drawer. I let it sit there a minute before slowly dropping it back to my side.

The thought of never seeing him again hurt, too. I didn't know what it was—longing, an attachment, obsession—but I couldn't get him out of my mind. I hadn't been able to for years.

Maybe if I tried hard enough I could, but I didn't think I wanted to.

Sighing, I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Obsession was starting to feel more and more like that was the case.

I changed from my work attire to my gym clothes and stared at my phone for a moment.

For some dumb reason, I'd told Mom that I'd go hang out and be social with Devon. The option of just not going no matter what I'd told her was there, but then if she called me again I would have no stories to regale her with.

Even after all these years, I still wasn't any good at disappointing Mom.

Groaning, I looked through my contact list until I found Devon's information. All I did was look at it for a few seconds, then I shook my head and dialed his number.

"Y'ello?" he answered.

"Hey, uh, it's Nichole."

"Yeah, what's up?"

Nervously, I shifted from one foot to the other while I spoke. "So, uh, I was thinking about your offer for drinks tonight, and . . ."

When I didn't continue, he prompted me. "Yeah? You change your mind?"

I wet my lips and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. I guess it wouldn't kill me to . . . take one night to break out a little bit."

"Really?" I didn't miss the childlike glee that was in his voice.

"Yeah. You said nine tonight?"

"Yes, nine. You gonna take the bus or can I come pick you up?"

With a grunt, I relented. "Yes, you can come pick me up. I don't know where y'all are going, anyway, so I wouldn't know what bus to take."

"Sweet." His smile was audible enough to make me blush.

Did he think this was a date or something?

He continued, "I'll call you when I'm coming to pick you up."

I forced a smile even though he couldn't see it. "Alright, I'll see you then."

"Yup! See ya then."

We hung up with far more grace that I did when I was on the phone with my mom. I sat down on my bed afterwards, my phone tossed on a pillow, and I rubbed my face with my hands.

No matter how much I tried to keep people at a distance, Devon just wiggles himself in there as the closest thing to a friend I had.

Did it really hurt anything, though?

What proof did I have that Wolf would come pick me up anymore? He'd assured me the device he'd given me would always work, at least.

There was no way he thought about me as much as I did him. It just wasn't possible and it would be self-centered and egotistical to think that he did. He may have forgotten about me altogether and I was here on Earth, pining for something that may not even exist anymore.

What if he was dead? He didn't exactly lead a comfortable and safe life.

And that was the life I was currently setting myself up for. Maybe my line of work wasn't exactly safe, either, but it was safer than his, I could guarantee it.

Going out for a few hours on a Friday night wouldn't kill me. At the very least, I'd flush it out of my system so I didn't feel like I had missed out on some great human ritual.

I still had to worry about those xenomorphs and plan something. Decide if it was even worth it to try and destroy them.

There was time, yet. I didn't have to make a decision tonight. I had the whole weekend.

Once I set a timeline I could make the call. If I couldn't come up with some plan to kill off the hive at the end of my timeline, I would call try to call Wolf. If, by then, I still wanted to.

I felt better with a goal in mind. Nothing was actually solved, but I had a way to solve it. Kind of.

It was good enough for now.

Feeling satisfied for the most part, I left my room and slipped on my running shoes and grabbed the bare necessities for the gym.

Before I started the three-mile jog to the gym, I sent my mom a text message. A single question that would make tonight just a little bit easier on me.

[What kind of clothes should I wear?]