You'll never get that time back. It doesn't want you back. Tired tired time.

Itchy.

Bugs under the skin.

Yet when you scratch and peel, there's nothing there. Just your own filthy exposed wounds, stinging and itching under the flesh.

So don't scratch. Don't make it worse. Don't make it bleed.

Cut off your heartbeat and you really won't bleed. Cut it all.

Sophie whistled and knocked on wood.

"Delivery."

This wasn't the first time she delivered him something. A backpack worth of green plums. Pans of salt, boiled and strained by the sea. Gathered and dried up gourds for liquid storage. One may even say that Sophie was particularly sweet on the older Asian man. She even brought those loving cooked meals, aka the occasional rations of rice and leftovers..

It was as much per their deal as much as it was how much Sophie knew Ryo to be a stubbornly picky eater.

Sure he'll eat when he's forced to, when hunger gnaws in desperation. But like an overworked student, he often got caught up and went without. The doctor would do no one any good by forgetting to eat, or passing out, again.

Of course, this sort of information was supposed to be unknown to her, to anyone. A part of Sophie still wonders if Aubrey ever knew. But it doesn't matter. Right now Sophie was just doing what she could to ensure the group's survival, which meant keeping Ryo in a decent non-starved state.

Observing the space, Sophie noted that it looked nicer.

Too nice even.

She knew Ryo was among one of the first to get his own space as voted by the crew. She knew how her own meddling had influenced the general shelter for the better. From building guides to spearheading the effort early on, before the rain could flash flood them. She just didn't think it would be this much of an improvement.

Trust Ryo to take one and turn it into ten.

But that's what made the fucker such a good investment. Someone she had to get on her side.

His makeshift medical office had been taken apart and rebuilt up much larger, using a pale tinged mud and dry grass.

Something with more clay to the cob mix. Built dug out and round, with not a corner in sight. It gourd-shaped, two circles attached by foundations and surprisingly sturdy mud.

When dried, it took on a smooth pale grey compared to the mass lumpy browns of the other huts. It couldn't even be called a hut, for it almost modern, and just as clean. Spacious and easy to breathe in, open and as sterile as this island could be. A suitable place for patients.

Sophie almost hated the man for how easy he always made it look. Being him.

"Like what you see?" Ryo looked up from his laptop, as if he hadn't already noticed her coming from the distance. In the port of the woodworked window frame.

"...You stole my ideas." Sophie set the supplies and rations on the still rough wooden bench. This motherfucker better be damned grateful.

"Were they yours? I simply took a reference where I saw them. Made it better."

Sophie continued ignoring him, especially that quirk of his lip. Something that couldn't have passed as a smirk or a smile to anyone else. He knew that she knew and that was enough.

Instead, she preferred to inspect, knock around a bit, especially at the built-in fireplace and chimney. Sophie doesn't know whether to be impressed or kick it in. So she settles for both.

It still holds. Cracked a layer of rough-coated covering acting as paint, but the thing still held up.

"So....did you come by to test out the durability? Did I pass?" he asks, voice monotone.

Sophie doesn't like how easy it's gotten. How things fell in place almost naturally. How relaxed Ryo had gotten around her. His confidence and denseness went hand in hand. She admits a part of her wants him to suffer more. A lot more. But not at the expense of his health.

They needed him healthy and alive.

For the group, the whole. Sophie needed this pawn alive and on her side. There are few people she knows as well, knows just how useful they could be. And Ryo was if anything, the most useful sort of partner for her to have down here.

She turns away. Ignores the way his eye light up at lunch and bundles of fresh medicinal herbs. She most certainly ignores it when those eyes turn on her in curiosity.

"You fire blasted them, they're practically bricks down here."

"What a luxury, but no it's just the bottom layer. Otherwise the material cracks under few uses and a wash. You have a surprising range of expertise Sophie to support your keen eye. I'm almost impressed."

"It's nothing. Just some...common sense. So. Just how many people did you enslave to get this done this fast?"

"If only common sense was as easy as you make it sound. Here, take a look."

He offers her a seat and she doesn't take it. He leaves a space anyways, enough for anyone standing behind to look over his shoulder at the plain but dizzying screen. Offline. Full of black text.

"Ah yes, the miraculous spreadsheet. I see." Sophie drawled.

"Amazing what little lines and blocks can do. Seeing so many.... proactive people about, I thought that organizing seemed a better idea than just waiting around for people to die."

That's one way of putting it.

Sophie tapped her finger, impatience leaking out against the back of the wicker chair.

Itchy.

The number was too high. Too low. Her reason versus her sense contradicting.

How many people did she save from her gamble? Dozens? They needed people early on. They needed every single pair of working hands, strong hands, no matter how much it took to feed them. They just needed to survive the rainy season and start building. After the airline gets the first base camp built and established. When the walls are up and the place secure, then Sophie can stop holding back so much. Then she can finally clear those numbers down.

Patience. Hold on. Hold out.

Don't scratch. Not just yet. It wasn't hunting season just yet.

"188. What an auspicious number." Sophie noted, eyes scrolling across the screen. Curious enough to lean over and roll the controls.

188 people accounted for. 188 people still alive, that they knew of. Men, women, children, demographics, whatever information the airlines had on file. Whatever Ryo noted was worth recording down.

"There's no way everyone is following this as directed," Sophie noted, silently remembering the wait.

It wasn't just a disorganized mess. The way things had originally gone had people more lost than they were desperate. A bad balance. So much wasted time, even more wasted chances. So much sitting, sitting and waiting.

They waited, and waited, and waited. But for what?

For something, a hero maybe, to fly by in the sky? A ship in the horizon, still docked like a wreck on the beachy shores? Hell, a magic tribe of friendly cartoon natives to take them all in and save them from this empty misery. Anything.

Even when someone got their asses up, tried to do something, make something out of the giant pity party they were all having, it fell short.

Saying something was easy, dreaming it was even easier. But the reality is the furthest thing from easy. The truth was the hardest thing to swallow. Doing everything, absolutely everything, from scratch was a fantasy that few people ever thought of let alone knew how to face. Gathering supplies, making shelter, the very basic 101s in any survival situation and they fucked up. They all fucked up big time.

They played it safe. Too safe.

It was what was reasonable for any modern person. Most people didn't venture out of their comfort zones. Even when it literally drops out from under the sky, forcing you to freefall. On one hand, it kept the stupid deaths down to the minimum. No one went out and ate shit raw, from fish to scavenged picked items. Not if they didn't know 100% what the hell it was. Or approached situations that were obviously too dangerous to face. They didn't get so arrogantly reckless yet, they hadn't gained their footing, their strength just yet.

When people tried to organize, when the airline crew finally picked themselves up from the scramble, split in decisions that were all as right as they were wrong, it was too late. The rains had come.

It started light at first. A welcome relief from the humid heat, a rain of freshwater to revive them all. It was a blessing at first.

Blessed be the rain. It just didn't fucking stop. Too much of a good thing.

Throw someone anywhere without warning, without preparation, and they were fucked. Sensibly, no one could have foreseen just how much or how long it would storm and flood. Nor how debilitating that was.

It wasn't just a light little sprinkle of water that went on and on. That shit stormed and hailed. It blew hurricane-force wind. Blowing off weak shelter and wildland debris. It was impossible to live in when you didn't have anything. Anywhere to go.

The rainy season kept them captive.

If only it could blow away all the survivors in one go. If it just ended them quickly, Sophie wouldn't complain. But fuck no, nature was unpredictable and it killed them slowly.

They couldn't hunt, the wild boars and other prey not suited to the season had seemingly disappeared. They couldn't move nor gather, the ground was constantly wet, slippery, and sinking. Fishing was out of the question the way the water's murky edge rose and fell. Get too close and you could only be so lucky to simply drown.

So they didn't. Conserving strength and cutting your losses was also the way to survive.

"They do if they want to get on the list." Ryo tapped and clicked, showing a minimized screen.

"I see, priority housing and lease. Tell me when did you become the big bad landlord?"

"Harsh as ever. It's more like a group project, whereas always I do the tedious essential work. I'm just helping the crew organize. We could all do with some better planning, wouldn't you agree Sophie? With all the initiative you seem to like spearheading. I thought someone like me could at least quietly aid where I could. "

"Yes, these are some very sexy spreadsheets you made there."

"Ah, of course. How can anyone resist Excel and documents?"

Their hands naturally brushed. Sophie pulls away slowly as if cautiously facing an animal. She kept calm, steady, and breathed out evenly despite her senses being on alert. She knew this person, knew him far too well to know this meant anything. She could climb into his lap undressed right at this moment and he would simply ask if she was ill, had a medical problem that needed seeing to. Perhaps an awkward rash or an uncomfortable boil?

Charming.

But that's the sort of thing that made him safe. Kept him off the hit list that most exes tend to grace in the fantasy of every scorned woman.

"You're learning, almost ridiculously so. They see the shelters and are migrating all back to get some, huh? Not bad. Not bad at all."

"Praise coming from you? Amazing, these spreadsheets really do work."

She hates him for a lot of things. For choosing some spoiled bitch over her. For hitting where it hurt most, just like she hurt him. For dying uselessly when he was so god forsaken damn close.

But she doesn't hate him.

"This is the last time I'm coming like this."

He raised an eyebrow in her direction but otherwise shows no wasted reaction. She would tell him why soon enough. Better to do something else than wait around in suspense. Like putting away the broken bits of partly failed charcoal and organizing the stuff she brought down. He was good at that, compartmentalizing.

And unlike her he doesn't do it out of need. Doesn't desperately run away from anything inside his mind. Not unless you counted that dark void. The emptiness. He can't find anything to run from but himself.

Sophie is sure that the island will give him something to finally fear. Make him finally, accept the broken cracks and edges running through his insides. No one is born empty, that's not how humans are made.

"How so?"

"I come with warnings. Before the monsoons flood us all."

"Warnings. Not lunch? Which I am very appreciative of don't get me wrong."

Sophie rolls her eyes at the same time someone's empty stomach noisily reminds them they didn't eat...again.

"You do realize, Kazehaya, that you're not a machine?"

"Ah. If only."

If only we could remove ourselves. From society, from humanity, from the patheticness of our own existence. They were powerless in the great grand scheme. Bugs struggling in a blink of time.

What were they trying so hard for? What were they living for?

Nothing.

Sophie knew him as much as she knows the reflection of her old self. She knows there is no answers to seek.

"You won't short circuit at least. Now eat, I'm not your mother or maid, and you don't need someone reminding you that."

She lit her own damned charcoal by the dead elevated fireplace. Reheating food as if to show this idiot just how it was done.

Open fire was never as easy or efficient to work with as people imagined it to be. Especially when the firewood was from a place as damp as this. Charcoal not only burned longer and cleaner, but it was also a hell lot easier to manage and control.

"Watch out in the shared spaces. Easy spots for disease. Or crime."

"Fair enough. I would assume both."

"June's at the shelter now, crafting grass and straw dividers to help."

"It won't help if anyone really wanted to get through to the other side."

"Even the illusion of privacy is a sense of control Kazehaya. They don't all get your office."

"Or wherever you've made your hideout?"

"Keep supplies elevated off the ground, rats scamper across any dry surface they can."

"Once again, I'm almost impressed by how....knowledgable you are."

"Come visit my old relatives in the countryside of Vietnam when this is all over. Don't think too hard city boy, it's all hard-earned experience. "

Not a lie. It was harder than anyone knew, could ever imagine. Every single scar, erased from her body but not in her mind. Sophie earned every single one.

"Hmmm. Any more warnings then, as you're the expert here?" Ryo nodded as he cleaned.

".....look in the black drawsting bag." Sophie kept her hands working, but looked over her shoulder, eyeing the man as he did was told. Watching his every reaction.

It was as expected as it was disappointing. He hardly blinked. Really now, she couldn't even fluster or bother this wall of a man so what fun was that? Well, she would play her petty revenge another day. She had many other toys in this place after all.

"Sophie? Any reason why you're delivering...'super value pack' condoms?"

"...They were on sale."

"Ah."

He gives a long blank look, a little dead eyed and she admits, it's almost funny.

"188 people here Ryo. Most of them adults. That's a lot of bored and desperate people. Use your brain, I know you have one outside of spreadsheets."

"You got me, really truly surprised me. I never would have thought you not only be so prepared but so generous." he praised and she didn't buy a single word of it.

"Very funny. That shit's not free. "

"You're saying we're pricing condoms to any poor horny patients who could want them?"

"What else are they for? Money is useless and now bartering is king. But you don't expect a pretty little girl like me to be seen with those? Why, people would get all sorts of ideas. But you? Oh, now you're a real professional. I expect to see a pretty profit if not a shit load of benefits from those."

"You're so awful it's amazing."

"Me? I'll even be nice and allow you to take a reasonable portion. Don't die from an STD and watch out for foreign blonds."

"I don't know, I might make the most of those profits from that type."

"A pleasure doing business with you once again Ryo."

For the first time today, they both actually laugh. Another part of the deal silent. He doesn't question her outside the necessary, even less than that really, does her quiet bidding and she provides the benefits. It was friendly talking business like this when they were on the same page.

Too easy.

She doesn't like how easy it is. But that was a personal matter on her end. It had nothing to do with this man in his current time and state. This was a Ryo before she had him, before anyone else snatched him.

This wasn't a game Sophie was ever going to play again. She was already in too deep in another deadlier sort. One that went too far years back, and blessed her with a restart. Now that, that was a game worth dying for.

"One more thing. Build a Kiln. Shared ovens. Use that fucking clay mix you figured out, works great. Put it on top of your list. Make it a community thing. There's a potter in the group, crazy woman, but useful in the long run. "

Ryo looked up, cocking his head in actual doubt.

"Of all things why that? There won't be enough time. They won't dry and harden soon enough." he explained, simply being reasonable.

"Make small ones then, shelter them well. It's going to get real fucking dark and wet." Sophie didn't care.

Reason was a handicap. Reason was a limit they set on themselves. You had to be insane to make it out alive.

"You don't say."

He looked out the window, up at hazy clear skies. Summer blue without a cloud in sight. He wasn't mocking her, he of all people would understand how fast the world could change. From nature to people, both. He looked up as if it were rolling thunderstorms already up above.

"You can't survive off broken engine parts and the airline's microwaves and coffee makers."

"Wasn't planning on it. Might be better to break those things apart to keep the generators going. Isn't that what all those firewood stores you prioritized for."

"Won't be enough. You know that. Not with the way everyone uses them like it's a bonfire party each day. The smoke is a nasty bitch."

He clears the laptop and table, grimacing in his own way. Fresh firewood was an inefficient chore, one that he would rather not bother with. Too much time and effort for too little, but necessary benefits.

Which partly contributed to his bad eating habits. Doctors. The unhealthiest of them all.

Always advising others on their poor nutrition, poor this and that, in between sips of dark caffeine and too much overtime. Couldn't save anyone when you're dying yourself, but that's what people like Ryota do day in and day out. It was hard to turn off, to unlearn, especially when it was already in the core of your person. A childhood without softness or rest.

Which was why Sophie even bothered. She would think if it like fattening a stupid animal or something. Livestock. Could probably make it out on their own for awhile but really should not.

This idiot was going to die over spreadsheets and generators. Not really, but it was enough for Sophie to feel the need to step in where she could. Free charcoal for one. Ryo really had it too easy for her tastes, the blessed bastard.

"I come with warnings so you all don't die so damn easy." Sophie pours the soup. The modest dishware a slowly growing mix of the oiled coconut bowls and plastic cabin meal trays.

"You make it sounds as if you're not involved at all Sophie."

He sets the table for two, unused to the strange domesticity but knowing well enough this is how it goes with Sophie. Somehow he ate better with her at the table. He knows this isn't what it would be like even if his parents ever had another child to give him a sibling, actual family.

"Am I? Are you?" she asks, all riddles and nothing more.

"Do we have even a choice?" he asks back.

"Yes. You can choose who you let live and die. Yourself included. If you're lucky, you can even choose how."

"Is that really a choice you want to trust me with? Because you don't seem to trust me with a lot of things, not even myself."

"Why whatever do you mean? I don't trust nor expect anything. What a strange topic we've gotten on."

He mirrors her fake smile and helps carry the hot gourd of soup, noticing the hefty weight and floating chunks of chopped meat and bone. Does so silently as she puts out the other side dishes. Crunchy pickled green plums. Soft white young shoots steaming in their thin green skin. Basil clams stirred with pops of red pepper flakes. And of course, the rice, already precooked and just rewarmed.

It was quite the feast.

Especially out here. There were plenty of people already who would be willing to maul another for something more substantial to the careful rations. The wild-caught boar was a hit or miss, the flesh hard and the smell foul the older and larger the creature got. Some days, the hunter and cooks were either lucky, experienced, or both- and the meat tasted no worse than some fresh lean pork. Other days, it was preferable to starve than to get sick off the pungent crap that ended up in the rations.

"Will your cute little 'cousin' outside going to be joining?" Ryo asks, already moving to pull out another plastic drinking cup and pair of wood polished chopsticks.

It was too much food in between just the two of them, even if he suspects Sophie was half-assedly attempting to fatten him to survive the rainy season as if it were winter. Besides, he was interested in the one lurking around outside. Something told him he wasn't who Sophie claimed him to be, and it wasn't just the passenger lists.

"Ah right. Leon, come on in if you want to eat."

Perhaps it was an accident, perhaps it was the wind, but outside it sounded like a low growl and the knocking down of something hanging. To Sophie, it sounded like a petty misbehaving cat getting its cover blown.

"Sounded like the gourds."

"Sounded like a cat. Whatever you're doing out there, finish up and come in. You're getting that check-up no matter what if you want anything charged up, you might as well eat a decent meal properly."

"I didn't know I was getting such a patient today."

"It's only fair doctor. Careful with him, he's a touchy one. But I would like to make sure he's completely healthy and not hiding anything. It's just so hard in these times. "

"Why of course."

When a small hooded figure finally walked in, eyes glaring, it was met with two eerily nice smiles in his direction. A tiny groan escaped from the back of Leon's throat and he contemplated just making a run for it.

"You're both fake ass twisted bitches."

"Well isn't he cute?"

"I know, right? Our Leon is just so shy, it's that sensitive age." Sophie took a sip of the poured green tea.

Shit that was good stuff. Was there any chance she or Leon could swipe some of this under his nose before it's all gone? Oh hell, she was just taking his expensive ass matcha. Fuck Ryota. He fucking owed her, from two lifetimes. If she couldn't get it in blood and labor just yet then this was good enough.

Without any hint of manners, the boy plopped himself down on at the table, glaring the whole time. At their faces, down at the food, back at them, and per dish.

"Ah, I unfortunately understand. Well then, thank you for the food." Ryo clapped, observing these two 'cousins', as he picked up his chopsticks.

When the man didn't fall over dead and frothing at the mouth, Leon let out the breath he would swear he wasn't holding and started eating himself. Not before quickly trading his utensils for Sophie's. As if they could mess with even that. Never let your guard down, Leon's learned that the hard way.

"Don't choke. It's not going anywhere." Sophie soft reminding, scooping the rough boy a bowl of soup.

Hot meals were hard to come by when it came to swiping. Hot meals were hard to come by in general when it came to his history. Nor were they the safest thing. Dinner tables were awkward silences at best, and no one would choose to deal with that if it could be avoided.

Which is why Sophie presumes he still ignores her calls to up at camp.

Why he never showed up in front of Mattie nor June, despite all the temptations they tried whipping up or luring him out with. It was practically a game at this point for the younger siblings. Who could first to spy the supposed pet cat that Sophie brought back?

So far the score was 0-0, with June spitefully proclaiming she better win with how many times her games went missing and Mattie meticulously counting the packages of sugary snacks they still had left.

So why did the kid come out now?

The threat of games? The lure of food? No, Sophie knew it's just because Ryota was a fucked up bastard and Leon actually knew how to deal with that.

Normal sort of people unnerved Leon just as much as he unnerved him with his bad behavior. Their polite smiles and hidden intentions faker than anything Ryo or Sophie offered today. The two of them honestly not caring much about the attitude.

"Don't just eat meat." Sophie would occasionally pester, plopping another morsel of food in the kid's bowl. Already long sensitive to what Leon's tastes, even as a kid, despite how much he put a show of frowning.

Fattening livestock for winter. She had so much work to do on all of them.

"There's an even crazier old witch dancing around outside," Leon says. Not making conversation, not with the way his mouth stuffs itself well again. But it was something in the right direction.

"Ah yes, Ms. Heaven Lee. She's been performing...a ceremony. Something for rain and blessings I believe. It looks oddly...inappropriate? Sophie. I remember you mentioning something about...a potter."

"That would be her, yes. The....hippie white woman. She's actually a famous craftsman, who knew?"

Sophie did. Doesn't mean she particularly liked it. Well, best to get that woman to work in a way that was actually productive. God knows they needed so many things.

"Ah. As I feared. " Ryo continued to eat.

"Tell me Ryo, you've seen the passenger list. Is that really her name? Legally?" Sophie asked, willing to put down a minor curiosity to rest.

It was one bet no one ever won on the island years back, about their resident mildly offensive hippie. She was an oddly resilient woman though. Good with herbs too despite what it looked like.

"Actually yes, it is." Ryo paused, sincerely serious.

"Well fuck."

If they bothered looking out, they would see that strange woman dance just as Leon described. Honestly not yet elderly but her windswept gray hair and sunspot filled face would make you think otherwise. She chanted as she danced, something that looked oddly native...something.

From the fire, her much more put-together sister in law tiredly rested her head in her hands. Hoping not for an airplane to come by to save her but for lighting to maybe hit and take her shame away.

"Heaven. Heaven everyone already knows you're a crazy fool. So if you could just stop before you blow your hip, that would be great. "

"Oh no, I can feel the spirits. They're close. I can practically smell them." the hippie-looking woman stopped only for a brief moment, then continued bellowing in another language that no one could possibly recognize. Carol was absolutely sure it was made up.

"No. No it's smoke you smell. From that....fake sage to whatever you've been smoking. You smell like smoke...and stupidity."

"Oooooooommmmm."

Carol tucked her head back into her palms, unable to leave this woman alone but even more unable to bear through with her. Especially without wine...or modern life. Oh what she would do for a bottle of wine, she'd even make do with that cheap market stuff no one but poor college kids drank. She was perfectly fine moping in her own way until she felt the annoying splatter of something wet.

"Heaven stop that. I told you I don't need to be 'purified'!"

"Oh! It's working! It's here! Our wishes shall be granted! Ooooohmmmm"

"There are no spirits here!"

Carol shouted out just in time to get an almost dusty sudden mouthful of water. The fire was put out and they were drenched in seconds, without any time to react. Unless one counted Heaven's cackling laughter and twirling hug.

"What the hell?" Caroll choked, water going down the wrong pipe. "It was just clear?!"

"Ah but it feels good doesn't it?"

The two women watched as the world turned completely gray. Sudden rain pouring down to something more. Watches as if the whole world breathed a sigh of relief at the humid pressure. Like a popped and cracked joint. Satisfying in its odd way. They were soaking wet and should be scrambling off for a shelter. But it really did feel damn nice.

From a much more comfortable spot, with a strong reaching roof and the view of the window, they watch as the first rain pours during their meal. One really couldn't predict anything here from appearances, not even the weather.

Sophie sighs.

"So it finally starts."