Nostalgia

"I-Isabelle," I asked hesitantly, one afternoon in the school library.

"Hmm?" she looked up from the pen fort she'd been building instead of doing her homework.

"Ho- I mean what do you think of me as a friend?"

She tilted her head at me, almost like a puppy, as she gave it a thought. "I mean, I've known you for about three weeks. But you're easy to be around with. You're sweet and kind and genuine. Shy and quiet before I got to know you better. You feel like someone I have to protect." She flashed me a wide smile. "If anyone dares mess with you I'll fight them."

"Oh." My heart clenched. Someone to protect - did I seem fragile to everyone else?

"Why ask?"

"Nothing." I hesitated again. "I guess my other friends don't see that in me."

Isabelle furrowed her brows. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing." I looked down and began to pay extra attention to the math problem I was solving.

"Huh." She shrugged. "You're a good friend, Avery. Stop doubting something silly like that. I'll always be here for you if you ever need me. Remember that."

I bit my lip. "Yeah, okay."

***

13 May 2016, Friday

I've never been a believer in Friday the Thirteenth being unlucky, but today didn't go particularly well for me. Then again, my days never really went particularly well for me.

Kalen found out about the cutting. I'd been careless. I was revising for a test for this coming Monday when he appeared in my study, patting my head from behind and making me startle.

I remember turning around to greet him with a smile and freezing in place as I saw the tone of his eyes change from a warm summer to icy cold. What did I do wrong? I remember thinking.

"I smell blood on you," he growled.

"I'm on my per- " I began to lie, but he snatched my right arm in one hand and roughly drew back the long sleeves of my hoodie.

I've read somewhere before, about the temperature of the room seeming to drop as a character's anger and ire grew, and I never really understood it until today, in that very moment. The complete silence that descended upon us chilled me to the bone.

And the next thing I knew, was his lips on my skin, on my lips, at my neck, on my stinging cuts, his arms pinning me to the table as he descended upon me like a raging storm. "Avery," he spit out. "You're so, so precious to me. And you should know, I despise it when others hurt those precious to me."

I'd never seen this side of him before. I didn't think love could be terrifying, but in that moment, he was terrifying to behold. His every touch seemed to burn me, and his eyes seemed to piece my soul. I know he'd do anything to protect me but-

If he cared so much, why didn't he ask why I did it? Why didn't he ask how I felt while I was cutting? Why didn't he ask who, or what, pushed me to this state? I'm feeling a tinge of resentment as I write this. I shouldn't be like this, but I can't help it. I just want someone who'd understand.

So now I'm staying up, working on my masterpiece as I write this, imsomnia keeping me up. Kalen's left, so I'm alone in the dark again, with nothing but a small standing lamp and my piano to keep me company. I'm close to finishing this.

I've been feeling a sense of nostalgia as I write this piece, as if my mind's forgotten it but my soul remembers it. Every note, every line of the melody seems to call to me, bewitching. I sound like I'm bragging over my own composition, but I'm not; this is different. Never has a song given me so many goosebumps every single time I play it right.

For some reason, I think the most of Kalen, Isabelle and Amelia as I'm writing this - the three most significant people in my life at the moment. And they all have something in common; all the people I love and care deeply about, but are making my heart ache so much. When will the day come when I can love people without feeling so troubled?