Iris 5

As I finish filming Aaron's video, the sky above me has started to burst colors. Orange tones overpowers them all as colors of coral, purple, and red also add to the spectacular show. Sunset. The descent of the mighty sun below the horizon to give way to the ascension of the mystical moon. I am not sure if you know this but sabi nila sunsets signifies ending. Pagtatapos. What a perfect timing then, I am filming my last memories together with the sunset. Nalalapit na ako sa pagtatapos ng aking buhay.

"Iris, you are making a lot of people worried about you! Hindi namin alam kung nasaan ka or kung ano ang nangyayari sa'yo. Worse is, pinatayan mo pa kami ng phone!" The camera has started recording when I decided to turn my phone on and entertain another call from Paul. I could hear the growing frustration in his voice.

"Paul, I have a question." Paul didn't like me answering his questions with questions as well. For sure, hindi nakatakas sa kanya ang ginawa kong hindi pag-sagot sa mga nauna niyang tanong. "You didn't answer my question, Iris Kyle. Where are you? Alam mo ba kung gaano ako nag-aalala sa'yo?"

"How much do you love me, Paul?"

I could sense that Paul didn't expect my question. He was asking me what the question is all about but I insisted that he answers my question. "I know that we're fairly new as partners but I can assure you that I am in love with you, Iris. I love you like how I love pancakes in the morning, I love you like I love watching over the stars in the night."

"Thank you for being there, Paul. I hope you know that you are one of the few people I really wish to be happy dahil isa ka sa iilang nakapagpa-saya sa akin." I then ended the call before my boyfriend was able to say anything.

"I appreciate your patience for staying on this recording, I just had to ask a question from my boyfriend. Sorry you had to witness that. But why don't we start already? You know me, Iris Kyle Figueras, an empress in the guise of an emperor, an egg shell, and has recently been crowned the queen of the dead. This video recording would allow you to have a glimpse of what I have went through that resulted to me culminating my own life. Like a guide material, this video will guide you for you to meet Iris Kyle Figueras as himself without all the complications that he is surrounded with." I have just come to realize this, nakakapagod pala ngumiti ano? Especially if there's nothing worth smiling for. I have been smiling for the longest time but I have never felt happiness or any positive emotions. I was like a walking mask. I had to mask everything because not everyone would try to understand, most of them would not even care. "Oh you know what, the call I had earlier is actually relevant to our next subject. For this video, we will be talking about love. Romantic love, to be more specific."

"Oh baka sabihin niyo wala naman akong viewers interaction, kaya sige, I will ask you my dearest viewer, who do you love and why do you love him/her? What made you love your partner?"

Love is universal. Love is a universal feeling that everyone wants to feel. Love is happiness. Love is bliss. Love is innocent. Love is this. Love is that. Love has become the most popular subject of television series, songs, books and all other things in the entire world. Love has been tremendously commercialised by people. And yes, I was once and currently am, a follower of love. Kahit naman sinong patapong tao siguro, in one way or another, has been in love. Ako pa kaya?

"For this next video, we are to discuss love. What love can do to a person. And what does a seemingly innocent and good thing can cause your death. Yes, love can cause death. Because the person I love, is one of the reasons why I took my own life."

I picked up my phone not to answer any of the calls I am receiving but for me to show to the camera the photo of someone I value. "People, meet my mon amour. My boyfriend. He is Joseph Paul Rosales and we've been together for almost half a year now and I am guessing that that's the longest that we will ever be. And for this video, I will be talking about him. If you are watching this, mon amour, sorry but you will be my subject."

"I met Paul last year, when we were both juniors. It was, if I remember it correctly, a few weeks after school started when I first saw him. He was busy handing out fliers for some activity that his Astronomy club was hosting. I remember that it was at lunch time and the sun was shining brightly over the skies when I noticed him. I mean, sino bang hindi makakapansin sa kanya? Ang init init pero patuloy lang siya sa ginagawa niyang pamimigay ng fliers ng naka-ngiti. He was sweating profusely under the blazing sun yet his smile didn't falter. His smile looks genuine amidst the heat and the lack of attention that he's getting. I wondered how the hell can he still smile sa kabila ng init na dinadanas niya? Naisip ko, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't last doing the thing for five minutes. Malamang itinapon ko na yung mga fliers at dumiretso sa kung saan lugar malamig to cool down. Whatever he was doing that day, he definitely captured my interest."

I remember taking my umbrella from my bag, opening d it, and walking towards him. I remember asking him to take my umbrella para kahit papaano naman ay gumaan ang pakiramdam niya pero naka-ngiti siyang umiling sa'kin, he said that he's fine but that he would be better if I'll take one of his fliers and attend their activity. I looked at him for a good minute, is he really serious with what he's saying? Hindi ko alam kung punishment ito sa kanya ng club niya, I'm not sure if he was paid to do this but it wouldn't cross my mind that this is voluntary. I don't think anyone would volunteer himself to do what he's doing. If not passion, I can't think of anything this guy has except insanity. Kinuha ko nalang ang flier na inaabot niya at sinabi kong pupuntahan ko yung event nila, that made him smile even brighter. But after all that, I didn't leave his side which actually prompted him to ask why I was still with him baka daw naiinitan na ako at baka umitim daw ako agad. I didn't really know the answer to his question, I didn't know why I didn't want to leave his side kaya sinabi ko na lang that he had a good spot to observe people plus I can't afford a handsome guy burn just because he's fulfilling his duties. Yeah, I know, it's the lamest and lousiest excuse ever.

"The people who knew our story always think that I initiated the first move. And looking back, I somehow agree with them. It was not me to approach someone and to imply to that someone that he's good looking. Paul was, is, and I think will be my only exception. Up to my last drawing breath, Paul will remain the only person I have approached and initiated a bond with. Don't think hard of it, he's worthy of being my exception."

So, just like what I promised to the Paul I was newly acquainted with, I attended his club's activity. I remember that I was supposed to attend my own club's activity pero yung kay Paul yung pinuntahan ko. Medyo nagulat pa nga siya nung nakita niya ako sa event, he said he was not really thinking na pupunta ko kasi alam naman niya daw na I have other places I should be in. By the time we met kasi, I have built a name already in our school as one of the model students. People are starting to admire me as me. Yes, I have surpassed the shackles of Aaron. It was so hard to get away from the ghost he created for me but I did, eventually. So going back, Paul thought that I would be preoccupied with something that mattered more than a silly club activity. I casually shrugged and just told him that I always do what I say. That this gay guy stays true to his words, napa-iling na lang siya at napa-ngiti.

"That day, a new number has been added to each of our phone directories. We also have added and followed each other to our social media accounts. In short, we started being friends after that day." Again, Paul has proved himself to be my only exception. I was the one who asked him for his number and I was the one who added him. Yung mga classmates ko hirap na hirap makipag-coordinate sa'kin via email while Paul got my number with no sweat. Well, thinking of it back, I was really showing my interest. I was gambling. "After Aaron, Paul was the next man I felt comfortable talking to. He is always warm towards me kaya mahirap hindi magkagusto sa kanya. But his warmth made me doubt him as well, he was showing all the traits that Aaron showed me when you know, he was still putting up a show. I remember that my mind was sending me signals after signals of warning to be careful with Paul. My mind is telling me that I'm heading towards a new trap. But I took the risk."

I took the risk. I continued my friendship with Paul. I continuously felt like I was living a thug life, yung para bang ginagawa mo pa rin yung established ng huwag gawin. Like entering a place that says no entry. Like smoking on a non-smoking area. I was always nervous but my nerves failed to stop me. And now, looking back at it, I honestly think that I made the right decision. A decision that I sometimes think that I should regret but I don't.

"Spending time with Paul is like watching National Geographic or History Channel. He has tons of insights about things which gave me new perspectives. He somehow changed my view in life, that maybe this life isn't as shitty as how I got it. He sprinkled on me some positivity. Now, after bringing a little life into me, isn't he worthy of being my exception?"

We bond through various sorts of things but we bond the best and the longest when we watch the skies at night, Paul was really passionate with the skies and what it offers especially at night. I remember, Mom used to tell me that she's worrying whether I am keeping good people in my company. Ang dalas ko daw kasing lumabas sa gabi and to her, people who go out late is straying away from all the good things. Parang aswang na lumalabas lang kapag gabi na. And aswangs have never been a good company. Mom is like that, she wouldn't worry wherever you go during daylight but once you go home and go out again when there's nothing at the sky but stars and the moon, she'll worry nonstop.

So going back, we bond the best and the longest when we watch the sky. Nung una, hindi ko alam kung bakit namin 'yon ginagawa. I mean, I was not a fan of astronomy. I don't know, I just don't see the beauty of the skies above us before. But Paul made me admire the stars, the moon, and the skies. His passion of it made me see its beauty.

"Paul said that watching the skies above us humbles him. Sabi niya, kapag daw tinignan mo ang langit at pinanood ang buwan at mga bituin, mare-realize mo kung gaano ka kaliit as a human being compared to the universe. You'll realize that whatever you are undergoing right now is nothing compared to that huge space arching over the earth. You would realize that you're not the only one with problems, someone else who's probably watching the same skies as we do is handling a far bigger problem."

What Paul said made me realize a lot of things. I was a few strands away from totally cutting my own thread of life when Paul came in and slowly stitched me back. He made me think. He made me realize things. I questioned myself as to why am I whining on things and hating everyone when someone out there might be experiencing much worse than what I have experienced? Somewhere out there, someone out of the billions of people living on this planet, might be living a harder life and here I am caterwauling. He made me realise that I may have experienced bad things but who knows if someone else got it worse?

"And then one night, as we were wrapping up after another round of star gazing, Paul asked me a question. He inquired if I will let him court me. He wants to court me." I remember the night but I don't remember my initial reaction to his question, must be something stupid for me not to remember. "Somewhere inside me wants me to say no to him for he will just bring in trouble. He will just be like Aaron. He will just hurt me. But I said yes to Paul that night for that's what my heart wanted. I said yes because I wanted him to court me, because I wanted him for me."

And so, that's how my very own fairytale started. An ideal man asking me if I'll let him court me at an ideal place? Isn't that the ideal setting most girls would love to have? I remember being euphoric for days, I was just so happy I almost forgotten all the shitloads I am carrying. I was so happy that even my bestfriend Frances Arra has noticed my giddiness and my unusual positive outlook.

"Paul wooed me for a little over a month only. I know, I know, malamang iniisip ninyo na ang pamigay naman ng baklang 'to. Iniisip niyo na ang bilis kong bumigay sa lalaki. That's where you all are good at naman eh, judging. You all act as if you everything of me. But anyways, I honestly wanted the courtship to be longer pero it was because of the pangungulit ni Miss Ruiz kaya sinagot ko ng maaga si Paul. Miss Ruiz just can't stop gushing over the fact that we are perfect for each other and that we'll complement each other. But Miss Ruiz is only an excuse. She has always been my scapegoat kapag may nagtatanong kung bakit ko sinagot agad si Paul. Truth be told though, I am just into him too damn much. So there, it was a windy afternoon of September 9 when I became in a relationship. My first and last relationship."

More than what I experienced when we were friends, Paul as a boyfriend is someone that girls would love to have. He always find ways on making you feel that you are loved. I started looking forward for days once more. I started feeling lighter. I will always be happy that I made the right decision with him.

"So going back to the main point of this guide material, why is Paul one of my reasons? You might be wondering why is he here since I practically gushed over him a while ago. What did he do to be a part of this elite group of people?" Here I am once more, unearthing the deepest secrets I have. You know what keeps me from pushing this despite me needing to endure all this pain once more? It's because everything is about to go away as I passed on to another life. I would no longer feel all of this shit once my body has been processed by the embalmer. "I'm not the one to say if Paul really loves me or what, it's Paul who would need to answer that. What I am sure though is that I am not the only one he loves."

My days with him were a bliss. He became my solace, my stars, my light. I yearned for his hugs and touches. Little did I know that there's someone aside from me who's getting all of this as well.

"No, I am not that overly badgering gay guy out there. I am not paranoid. I'm that someone that would not require you for the passwords of your mobile phone and social media accounts because why would I?" That's actually one of the things that I don't get with the couples out there, why do your partners need to share their passwords? I mean, dalawa kayong magkaibang tao na may iisang nararamdaman, that doesn't mean you should be as one as well with each other's personal space. Individualism must still be existing regardless if you are already in a relationship. "So with that being established, iniisip nyo na siguro kung paano ko nasabi ang nasabi ko regarding Paul. How did I find out that I'm not the only one?"

Sabi ko nga kanina, my days with Paul is pure bliss. The relationship made me feel like I was just a normal teenager; kinikilig sa mga simpleng bagay, hindi mapakali, and just being all over the place. But one sad thing is, I have never grown accustomed to that wonderful feeling. It always felt too good to be true. And then one day, I was proven right with what I feel.

It was after a stressing week at school when one day, I contracted a flu. I remember Paul was so worried, he kept on texting and calling me to check on me. He even insists for him to go to my house so that he could take care of me. I wanted him beside me but I can't be selfish because what if he contracts the flu as well? I can't let him miss days of school dahil nagka-sakit din siya. I was down with the flu for a couple of days and Paul was consistent to try and show his affection. The very day that I got better, first thing I did is that I went to school to surprise him, but apparently it would be me that will be surprised.

I was walking my way through the deserted corridors when I thought I heard him. Thought because I wasn't really sure dahil the voices were talking in hush. I silently went closer to where the voices are coming from at napatunayan ko na lang na si Paul nga iyon nung marinig ko na yung pangalan ko sa pag-uusap nila. I initially thought na baka may surprise silang pinaplano for me but somehow, I didn't believe that. Because if that's the case, why would they still talk in hush voices if they're in a deserted room along a deserted hallway?

"Paul was quietly arguing with a girl saying that whatever is going on between the two of them ay hindi ko malalaman. Paul sounded like he was assuring the woman. The woman asked her if he loves me and Paul answered by saying he loves her more." I was thankful that I was at a deserted hallway that afternoon. People didn't see me falling to my knees and tearing up. They didn't see me wondering what I did wrong again. But more importantly, they didn't see me being cheated on by my boyfriend. No, huwag niyong isipin na sarili kong ang inuna ko kaya nagpapasalamat akong walang ibang tao sa paligid. I was thinking of Paul. Paul has a reputation to uphold and I can't let others judge him, he doesn't deserve it. No one deserves to be judged by others. I can't see him break. "We were fairly new to the relationship, the honeymoon phase hasn't even ended. Three months pa lang kami when I found out that I wasn't the only one."

Isang buong linggo akong nawala sa school that time. Four days for being down with the flu and the rest with me locking myself up in my room crying. I shut myself down to everyone, I didn't accept any visits from anyone and my phone's turned off so that no one can call me. My mother and my brother tried their chance of getting me out of my room but I didn't. I locked myself and then I wallowed. I wallowed over the hate that Life is giving me. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung bakit sa tuwing naiisip kong maayos na ang buhay ko, life would immediately respond back and would make me remember that everything is still shitty. Minsan iniisip ko na na hindi para sa tao ang buhay because if it is then I wouldn't stumble on all this shitbricks. Ang buhay siguro ay para sa mga halimaw na handang makapanakit para manatiling buhay.

"The first school day after my hiding, I returned to school like nothing happened. I went back to being the model student that everyone is starting to admire. I reverted back to being that clueless partner of Paul. Yes, I did not confront him and say that I am aware of me not being his only one. I didn't break up with him because I can't. Because I am into him too much. Naisip kong mas hindi ko kakayanin yung wala siya kaysa sa manindigan kung ano yung tama. It is indeed easier to do what makes you feel good instead of doing the right thing."

I made myself believe in the web of lies I weaved for Paul. Iniisip ko na lang that what I heard last week was just him practicing for some play he's part of and coincidentally, I share the same name as one of the characters. I made myself believe that Paul was loyal to me. But again, whoever is controlling fate wants me to suffer. Days after, I found out who the girl Paul was talking to.

"I didn't know what hurts the most; yung malaman mong hindi tapat sa'yo ang mahal mo o yung malaman mong kilala mo ang taong dahilan kung bakit hindi magiging tapat sayo ang mahal mo. I found out who the girl was and she was someone I never thought of being able to hurt me. You don't need to worry, you'll get to know her for she will also be featured in one of the videos. You'll get the chance to meet her so stay tuned."

I watched and followed them that day. I stayed relatively far from them to not see me because I didn't want to disturb them, I didn't want to cause any drama. Pinanood ko lang sila and they looked happy and in love. I wanted to be happy for them but I can't. My heart constricts everytime I would see them being sweet, everytime they would hold hands. It pains me to see the only man I love being happy with someone else. Ano bang meron siya na wala ako? What does she have that makes you happier with her than with me? Natatandaan kong umiiyak akong mag-isa nung araw na 'yon at pinagtitinginan ako nung mga tao sa paligid sa dahil ako lang yung malungkot. Dahil ako lang ang umiiyak sa isang lugar na punum puno ng mga masasayang tao. I was the odd man out of the bunch. I was crying for Paul seemed to have found his happiness but not with me. I was crying because I lost my chance of happiness to someone I didn't consider doing bad things for me. Pero naisip ko, baka tama lang na dinaranas ko 'to. Tama lang siguro na nasasaktan ako ng ganito. I mean, tanga ko din naman kasi eh. I was aware that Paul was into girls from the start pero sige pa din ako sa pagpapaligaw sa kanya dahil gusto ko siya. I let myself fall for someone who I know would not catch me.

"I wanted to come out of my hiding and hurt the two of you. I wanted to curse, I want to spit on the both of you but I can't because I can't afford to hurt the people I love. I want to make you feel the pain I am in but I am not that evil, I cannot subject you through this pain. Hindi niyo kakayanin ang sakit na dinaranas ko, you might end up quitting earlier than I did." I was heaving so hard from opening up another chest of untold stories. I am so tired of crying but this tears just don't stop from falling. I do not even know what I did to deserve all this pain I'm in. Why am I always in pain? "So Paul, my mon amour, you are part of this video because you took my heart away but I was not the only one in yours. I do not blame you for being in love but I blame you for not choosing. I do not condemn you for what you feel but I am holding you responsible for your actions. You knew I'm already broken, I told you the things I have went through, I opened up to you all my fears and worries. I hoped that you would be my saviour, that you would spare me from the cruelty of this world but you broke the very last piece I have for myself. You broke my heart."